(((SD)))

I don't think you're crazy at all. Once I searched for my old T and decided I'd give her a try, it only took me a few more clicks to find her home address, e-mail address and phone number on line.

quote:

but it feels scary that she has them there and clients can google them and know where she lives. i think it scares me that someone will stalk her and hurt her.

Those were my feelings too. I didn't mention to her that I'd found them until after she moved house. Then I admitted I was concerned for her safety as she lives alone and asked if she was going to remove her details. She admitted she had been trying for months to have her details removed from this particular site and was grateful for my concern over her safety.

I think you were right to text her and express your concerns.



AV.

Hi

Slightly different perspective from me just because I used to have my sessions with exT at her house and I had her home address (obviously), email address and phone number. I liked that she practised from home (in an annexe, not in the main house) so I had a sense of her from her surroundings. I guess, she felt safe to have clients come to the house and her husband was quite often traipsing around outside. It didn't seem to me to be a problem that worried me.

I worry that she has put herself at risk from crazy clients (like me)... if she can't be bothered protecting herself and keeping herself safe, then she doesn't deserve my care. I am scared that something will happen to her. And that affects me. She has given me her passport for heck's sake to help me believe that she isn't going overseas and leaving me - so then she goes and puts her personal details on the internet.

When I told her she joked and said it was lucky that I wasn't a stalker then. But it has left me panicky and angry. Plus the fact that she didn't take me seriously.

Her and I have spoken about this. She keeps her professional name different from her married name and so they are separate. What she did - then put her professional name and phone with her personal stuff. I think she stuffed up.

somedays

yes SP, It pricked fear in me, fear for her safety and fear for me. She isn't that clever with technological things and too trusting. I know where she lives and know her family and I have a special relationship with her - I am prob the only client that knows her married name - and can then find out where she lives. Because she used her T name - she has then blown that anonymity.

The rest of what you say SP - yep, I totally get it. She is wanting me to trust her for years and to believe in her, trust in her and she says she will be there for me - yet she goes and does this and I think it is reckless.

Thanks AV for your reassurance that I wasn't going over the top and understanding me. I tell my T what we all do and the amount of online checking we all do - so my T should be aware. I will ask her to get them to edit the details.

Tygr - yes it would be so different if she worked out of her home. There is no way I would see a T who did that I think. But T and I have spoken about security and safety and that it is good that she never mixes her family life with her T name - so this flies in the face of what we have discussed.

The other issue is that I am a computer person and pretty switched on with online presence and safety and i have told her about this before. She didn't pay attention to i.

I am so angry at her and panicking.

SD

I can definitely understand why it's painful and feels like... well how can this T take care of me if she isn't "protecting herself". Yikes! I'm sorry she wasn't more empathetic

I've talked to my T about people stalking and/or researching her (you can sorta figure out where most people live if you want to enough). For me it is not regulating to look my Ts up, I have in a limited amount but don't on a regular basis. When I've told T stories from this board to process she was really surprised, and told me that the vast majority of patients [she has seen] honestly do not care. I found out I'm unusual in that I'm concerned about my T, she says most people aren't (I'm hypervigilant, empathetic and intuitive like the vast majority here but the world isn't really like that).

I think it's rare people will stalk their Ts in a threatening manner. I think the not usually putting that info out there is more for boundaries, transference, etc.

Above you said "crazy clients (like me)" do you think any of how you feel may be something to do with how you feel about yourself looking her up? Are you worried about things you want to do? (Not violent or anything... I just mean what is your motive? It doesn't seem like it's anything but innocent, and most people here do it out of attachment and/or innocence, curiosity. Everyone is a little crazy but like... murdering or breaking in to houses crazy is not common!!

FWIW I don't think you're crazy Sd.

As you may know I just met my new T last week and she told me that she is younger than me. I said "I know that, You're ## years old." She leaned forward with a huge smile on her face and said "HOw do you know that?!!" I told her that when I was looking for her number (because she was referred to me) I saw her age on one of the people search sites. She seemed totally surprised by it. Not surprised that I did that but that people can know our ages so easily. The intern told her that yes this is common.

I have thought more about this. I have sent her a raw, angry email so she knows the impact it has had.

It is about trust and risk. My T says she will be around for me for the long term - that is years. I realised that I have an inbuilt checklist of her - she is fit and slim, healthy, exercises, has a great family, great friends, is happy, very stable and is a safe and there is a great chance that she will be around for a long time. There is low risk of her being overweight or dying from medical issues / poor lifestyle choices or needing time off due to poor mental health, I already know she does supervision and looks after the professional side of things so she doesn't burn out. I have been doing risk assessment all the time I have known her - this is about proving that she is going to be alive, happy, functioning well professionally and healthy for the long term

Before I can trust her I have had to prove to myself that she will be available for me in all capacities.

part of my "checks" were online presence and security checks. She always had a minor internet presence and it "passed". Now it doesn't. I think it has opened her up to future unknown attacks.

Someone I know in real life has recently been stalked and seriously physically harmed by a seemingly normal person. So it has happened in my life in the past month. It happens.

My T's only sees people with mental health issues - she only works with that population - so the risk is very high that she is going to come across someone who might do something.

This is where I am coming from.

Somedays.

She has already told me that she has had some male clients who have scared her and she never sees male clients at night.

I emailed T twice about it- one was an emotional reaction, but mixed with some rational thought and words and the 2nd one was more thoughtful, calm but still emotional. T emailed back and apologised and said she hadn't thought it through and that now I had brought it up - she wasn't happy her details were there.

At our session we discussed it and T reiterated that she didn't want her details there. I explained how this is all about my mental safety and i told her the things I do, assess, consider etc with her to make sure she is safe, healthy and will stick around for me for the long term.

It felt like she was in imminent danger because her details were leaked on the web. It was danger and fear that caused my reaction.

I explained to T how much most of us search online about our Ts, I also have an IT background and so all this internet security and safety is a part of my job. This whole example made me stop and unpack the panic I felt. I thought it was her imminent danger and death that was going to happen, but having to stop and question what was happening (thanks to people posting on this thread) helped me slow it down and work out what was happening and why it was happening. This was something new for me. It didn't stop me from having a very distressing couple of days and in that time totally withdrawing from her as I thought she was gone from my life already and so no point in investing anymore energy and emotion in the relationship.

Somedays.