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Hi, Brokes.
I feel for you! The uncertainty definitely makes an already hard process incredibly difficult. I don't know if I have any advice per se. But I can relate.
Last year my old T referred me to a colleague because of my trauma/SI issues, promising me that they would both work with me. Then, a month into it, he and his colleague had a professional rupture and that person left the practice. I was in the middle of a divorce, and being a casualty of their professional divorce was horrid. I already knew that he didn't feel fully capable of dealing with me, and I hadn't attached to the other person, and the feeling of abandonment skyrocketed.
I now have a new (and great) T. However, I don't think that's the course for you because it sounds like you're working well with your T, she recognizes/acknowledges that her personal issues are impacting your work together, and it seems like it might just be a matter of you being as honest about your feelings as possible and walk through it together.
I feel for you! The uncertainty definitely makes an already hard process incredibly difficult. I don't know if I have any advice per se. But I can relate.
Last year my old T referred me to a colleague because of my trauma/SI issues, promising me that they would both work with me. Then, a month into it, he and his colleague had a professional rupture and that person left the practice. I was in the middle of a divorce, and being a casualty of their professional divorce was horrid. I already knew that he didn't feel fully capable of dealing with me, and I hadn't attached to the other person, and the feeling of abandonment skyrocketed.
I now have a new (and great) T. However, I don't think that's the course for you because it sounds like you're working well with your T, she recognizes/acknowledges that her personal issues are impacting your work together, and it seems like it might just be a matter of you being as honest about your feelings as possible and walk through it together.
quote:
Anyone else been through something similar where T is going through personal life events causing some turmoil in the consistency and security of the therapeutic process?
There has definitely been significant turmoil in the consistency of my therapeutic process. There have been many, many occasions when T has called at the last minute saying she needs to reschedule, she has been over 20 minutes late for appointments on several occasions, and she even "stood me up" not once, but three times! I sense there is a lot going on in her life right now, but in addition to that I think that she is simply disorganized and that annoys me, but I've come to accept it as part of who she is for now.
This has affected me adversely, and in fact I've posted thread about this kind of thing on here from time to time when it's been particularly stressful. One time after she failed to appear for an appointment I was so distressed I barely slept for two days and forgot to eat for nearly 24 hours. I was crying at the drop of a hat, accidently running into walls. . .*quite* the mess, in short. Just wanted to acknowledge I know that this is tough to deal with!
I could choose a new T and maybe that is what many would do in my case. . . it's just that I have this very strong gut level feeling that my T is the The One to help me heal. We have a great rapport (I feel), I'm attached, and we've done a lot of great work together. I don't think I could make the progress I've had with just anyone.
She always apologizes profusely for her slip ups with scheduling and consistency, but they still happen somewhat regularly. However, it does not disturb me nearly to the extent that it used to. It can be frustrating but it doesn't make me feel like my world is ending anymore. I've come to recognize a pattern of consistency in the inconsistency, if that makes any sense. Meaning she comes through for me eventually; we re-connect. This has happened so many times that I know (or at least believe) she will reappear in time even after she goes AWOL.
I suppose there is a risk in trusting under these conditions, but it's one I've decided I'm willing to take. When weighing pros against cons, I've felt that this is a situation in which I'm willing to take the bad with the good. I really love my T.
Sorry this is causing you stress and anxiety. I hope you are able to make the choice that will bring you the most peace in the long run. All the best!
Hugs,
HIC
quote:Anyone else been through something similar where T is going through personal life events causing some turmoil in the consistency and security of the therapeutic process?
Yes! I'm there right now. I wish I could offer some advice
The best I can say is... keep going, still show up, talk about your feelings about the re-schedules... all of those things are still welcome in the room. I've not had my T's personal lives change my schedule but it does make things weird - sometimes I make things weird on my own though, too. ((Brokes))
Brokes and others!I don't have advice....just sympathizing.
Get this...I was coming here tonight to post a similar thread.
I'm sorry to hear that your T's personal issues are spilling over into your sessions and causing more anxiety and uncomfortableness.
Sometimes my sessions with T turn into chit chats and it's almost like we have become more like friends over the last 2 years. Her stuff comes into session and sometimes I feel I'm counseling her instead. Once in a while it feels like she is getting her therapy needs met through my sessions. Strange...
I listen with my "third ear" and feel and get a sense that things are not going well in her world. I recently found out that T lied to me and now I'm feeling betrayed. In a way I see why she lied. It was a self protection and cover her own ass type of business thing. Maybe she is deeply ashamed of what is really going on with her, so she covers it up with lies. T, in my opinion, is either in a physically abusive relationship or is involved with some drugs/drug dealers. I care for this woman as I've gotten to know her over the course of a couple of years. Now, I'm concerned with her safety and it effects my session!
Part of me keeps wanting to see her because the majority of the time our sessions are good, but there are those times when she is really "off" and it causes me to be concerned. I'm in T training currently. I'm concerned also as a professional in training what might be going on with other clients and her. I don't want her to harm people. I hate to see her beautiful soul self destruct. It hurts me and I've shed many tears over the last few weeks thinking about my relationship w/T. I may have to end with her soon and move on. That's going to be one of the toughest things I've ever had to do.
Wow Athenacus...that seems worrisome to me too. Therapy shouldn't feel like two friends chit chatting, and it certainly isn't for the therapist to be spilling out with her stuff. I'm sorry you're going through that. I can tell how much you care about her through your posts. And I agree, as a psychologist in training I would also be worried about how she is doing with her other clients...which would just take away from my therapy. You're in a tough situation!
Unbroken - sorry you're in such a predicament! I don't really have advice other then to talk about it with your therapist..although it seems as if you're already doing that. If it were me, I'd probably take a break, maybe 4 or 6 weeks. I think the weekly anxiety/stress would be so hard to deal with. But obviously, you aren't me and you get to decide what to do. My therapist has never spilled anything from her life over into our sessions, so I don't really have much advice, sorry...but hugs!
Unbroken - sorry you're in such a predicament! I don't really have advice other then to talk about it with your therapist..although it seems as if you're already doing that. If it were me, I'd probably take a break, maybe 4 or 6 weeks. I think the weekly anxiety/stress would be so hard to deal with. But obviously, you aren't me and you get to decide what to do. My therapist has never spilled anything from her life over into our sessions, so I don't really have much advice, sorry...but hugs!
(((((brokes)))))
That's really rough, especially with therapy. There are times in my life where I'm not very reliable, to be honest. When I know I'm going to start dropping the ball with commitments to others, not just once, but repeatedly, because of my own personal stuff, I find someone else to take up what I can't do - for the sake of those I work for, and for the sake of my own self too.
I think you are considering this very wisely. You realize that while she is not intending to drop the ball, your needs are not being met, and it's likely something needs to change. Sounds like your T has a lot on her plate, especially with getting her new practice going, handling the fallout from being burned by the old one... and she knows it, you know it...
Maybe together, you two could come up with a better schedule for a season? one that she could commit to better, that would keep it more steady? Maybe you could take a break from her, and see another T for a short while, to have some support in the meantime? I think you have to weigh out how much the therapy is helping you right now, with how much this is triggering you.
Security is really key coming out of termination and abandonment, and the lack of it can be super tough. If you and her are doing well otherwise in the therapy, maybe there are other ways the two of you can increase the sense of security in the therapy while she goes through this season? When my T knows she has some stuff coming up that makes her less availible or changes scheduling, she will offer other things, like the occasional check in call, just to help me feel more secure in the relationship, despite other things changing. She also does more to help me feel safe and secure in the session, gives me reminders that we are connected even when things are not working out very reliably at the time. Over time, it has helped lots! Not just even in the relationship with her, but the theraputic process overall, and in my life. A lot can happen between us, and even when I'm not sure there's a way forward, I'll still feel secure in the relationship. I used to be very triggered by anything at all inconsistent... now, it's not always easy, but much less triggery overall. As HIC said, it doesn't feel like my world is ending.
So sorry you are going through this Brokes. I'm glad you have found a T that you have really connected with, and this is crummy for both of you.
hugs,
jd
That's really rough, especially with therapy. There are times in my life where I'm not very reliable, to be honest. When I know I'm going to start dropping the ball with commitments to others, not just once, but repeatedly, because of my own personal stuff, I find someone else to take up what I can't do - for the sake of those I work for, and for the sake of my own self too.
I think you are considering this very wisely. You realize that while she is not intending to drop the ball, your needs are not being met, and it's likely something needs to change. Sounds like your T has a lot on her plate, especially with getting her new practice going, handling the fallout from being burned by the old one... and she knows it, you know it...
Maybe together, you two could come up with a better schedule for a season? one that she could commit to better, that would keep it more steady? Maybe you could take a break from her, and see another T for a short while, to have some support in the meantime? I think you have to weigh out how much the therapy is helping you right now, with how much this is triggering you.
Security is really key coming out of termination and abandonment, and the lack of it can be super tough. If you and her are doing well otherwise in the therapy, maybe there are other ways the two of you can increase the sense of security in the therapy while she goes through this season? When my T knows she has some stuff coming up that makes her less availible or changes scheduling, she will offer other things, like the occasional check in call, just to help me feel more secure in the relationship, despite other things changing. She also does more to help me feel safe and secure in the session, gives me reminders that we are connected even when things are not working out very reliably at the time. Over time, it has helped lots! Not just even in the relationship with her, but the theraputic process overall, and in my life. A lot can happen between us, and even when I'm not sure there's a way forward, I'll still feel secure in the relationship. I used to be very triggered by anything at all inconsistent... now, it's not always easy, but much less triggery overall. As HIC said, it doesn't feel like my world is ending.
So sorry you are going through this Brokes. I'm glad you have found a T that you have really connected with, and this is crummy for both of you.
hugs,
jd
Hi Brokes,
Yes, this has happened to me too. A perfect storm of a shitty personal situation and a shitty work situation came up for my T and I was affected by it significantly. I ended up knowing a lot more about the situation than I ideally would have, because the other option was a mysterious termination.
I stayed with him until things got settled and secure again. Although things were very wobbly and he didn't protect me perfectly, I still got a lot of healing from the fact that he stuck by me and did his best at the time to look out for my welfare and explain what was happening.
Once things were settled and secure again, there was still some fall-out from what had happened and what I knew, which also was a weird combination with my own particular issues. And ultimately I decided to end that therapy, for two reasons. One was that the healing I describe above set me free. The other was that from that position of peace I could see the environment wasn't optimal for me in the work I had left to do.
We ended, but it was a very positive and freeing ending as I understood both his good intentions & care, and that the therapy could continue to hurt me for circumstantial reasons. I chose to take myself out of harm's way, and had his full support in doing that. He helped me with a referral and after a little break I'm beginning with a new person.
I wish you (and everyone else in this situation) strength and peace in dealing with it. Please know that it's possible to have an ending that is healing, in the event that you find that staying is harming you. The open communication you are doing with your T is fantastic, and is the key to the difference between a healing experience and a harmful one.
Yes, this has happened to me too. A perfect storm of a shitty personal situation and a shitty work situation came up for my T and I was affected by it significantly. I ended up knowing a lot more about the situation than I ideally would have, because the other option was a mysterious termination.
I stayed with him until things got settled and secure again. Although things were very wobbly and he didn't protect me perfectly, I still got a lot of healing from the fact that he stuck by me and did his best at the time to look out for my welfare and explain what was happening.
Once things were settled and secure again, there was still some fall-out from what had happened and what I knew, which also was a weird combination with my own particular issues. And ultimately I decided to end that therapy, for two reasons. One was that the healing I describe above set me free. The other was that from that position of peace I could see the environment wasn't optimal for me in the work I had left to do.
We ended, but it was a very positive and freeing ending as I understood both his good intentions & care, and that the therapy could continue to hurt me for circumstantial reasons. I chose to take myself out of harm's way, and had his full support in doing that. He helped me with a referral and after a little break I'm beginning with a new person.
I wish you (and everyone else in this situation) strength and peace in dealing with it. Please know that it's possible to have an ending that is healing, in the event that you find that staying is harming you. The open communication you are doing with your T is fantastic, and is the key to the difference between a healing experience and a harmful one.
No worries, Brokes. It is indeed a very confusing situation. I still find that I have times where I feel hurt, abandonment and anger about it all. The problem is that when a therapist is in enough pain or trouble that you know about it, the therapeutic situation is no longer ideal and in some ways at some times at least they are failing you. i love that you are willing and able to speak up about what you're feeling in it, because that is the ingredient that allows healing to come out of it, one way or another. That is where you are your own advocate. Go you!
I think you are right to bring it up to your T.
In any profession, we have the capacity to allow our personal lives impact our work lives. I would expect my employers (which is what you are to your therapist, they work for you) to point out to me if my performance at work were suffering due to personal stuff. In fact, they have.
So you are doing the right thing by providing valuable feedback to your T. She might not even be aware that personal life is spilling into your therapy.
In any profession, we have the capacity to allow our personal lives impact our work lives. I would expect my employers (which is what you are to your therapist, they work for you) to point out to me if my performance at work were suffering due to personal stuff. In fact, they have.
So you are doing the right thing by providing valuable feedback to your T. She might not even be aware that personal life is spilling into your therapy.