I think that's why Ts need to be very careful in deciding what and when to disclose. I can see your dilemma in that knowing some of your shared histories can be helpful on some level - maybe to trust them more? - but can also be damaging in your own ability to process your past stuff. I'm so sorry you're feeling that way! I think I would feel the exact same, as I tend to compare my hurt with that of others, who in my mind are legitimately hurting.

I'm getting my doctorate in clinical psychology and worked at a university last year. When one of my clients was dealing with something that I was dealing with at the same time, my supervisor (who knew some of my personal stuff - not from childhood or anything, it was current) thought that it could be helpful for me to share my stuff with my client. I didn't even give that a second thought. It was so clear to me that I definitely should NOT be sharing that with my client. I mean, that's my stuff and why would I share that so the client could just worry/feel bad for me? And even worse, might start watching what they said to me so they wouldn't affect me. I didn't tell my client anything, because therapy is not about me. I don't think it would have added anything to the therapy.

I'm sorry I don't think I'm being very helpful. Maybe the next time one of your Ts discloses something, you could tell them how that disclosure is affecting you? If they knew how it was affecting your ability to process, I would guess that they might stop doing that. I also do not like using the "oh, that's very common, lots of people feel that way" because that takes away from your uniqueness (of the situation, of your feelings). I know why that's used (to normalize) and I think there's a time and place for that, but also honoring how unique you are is healing too, I think. Because you ARE unique. The set of your circumstances, how it's impacted your life and shaped the person you are is unique and should be viewed that way. Not minimized or countered by some other horrific occurrence that you were so lucky to avoid (sarcasm).

Well that was rambling but I hope that made some sense? I don't even know if I answered your question but these were just my first thoughts.

Cat, this kind of reminds my of when my T would sometimes try to "normalize" things by telling me that lots of people experience them, and I took it to mean I should shut up and stop complaining about them. Disclosure, like normalization, is a double-edged sword, and I think it can be tricky for any T to know which way it's going to cut with a particular client at a particular time.

I really hope you can tell your T's how you feel about this. It might help you to hear their reaction to you thinking they don't want to hear you talk about your stuff. Plus they could stop disclosing so much which might help you. I think this is just one of those cases where they were trying to help you and they missed the mark. For me it's been really good to give my T feedback in those cases.

Cat,
My first T was also a victim of incest and shared with me (the fact not any details) and it was mainly helpful. For me it meant that there was hope for healing, because I had so much respect for the person she was and if she was able to overcome what happened to her then maybe there was hope for me. I also found it comforting as I felt like she REALLY understood how I felt.

OTOH, I think sometimes it made it hard because I would worry about how hard it might be to hear some of my stuff.

My present T occasionally discloses which I find very helpful, but that is usually centered around parenting or just normal life experiences. He kind of provides perspective on the fact that not everything I deal with is because of the trauma.

I'm going to say what I ALWAYS do, talk about it.

AG

((erica)) ((BLT)) ((AG))

Thank you guys...

Maybe I'm in denial (I most certainly am, I'm sure!) but I feel like it's not hindering my ability to process... but yet it is. I think I can continue to share but it's dealing with the shame and unending thoughts that this is so common, so ordinary that now that it can be compared against billions of people and it feels like there is nothing left to discover on my own.

With their own personal histories (rather than reference to the everyone else) I will still know which will lead me to assumption. I guess it just makes it hard to put my own stuff and my own feelings in perspective because if this stuff happens to a lot of people, then why does it bug ME so much. It really makes holding the secrets I have, or holding the hurt I have seem ridiculous, foolish, why should I have such a hard time expressing myself when the issues feel as normal as putting shoes on.

So... I guess it DOES not make me want to share sigh. Or it makes me want to just get the rest over with, roll my eyes as I talk to get it out there.

It makes me sad that, that I can't use their (my Ts) strength as inspiration for mine. I don't know what my inspiration is, or what my drive is based on but I don't think it's other people. Maybe that is what makes this difficult that the 'other people' confuse it for me because of my past with others.

This is something I really don't think I CAN, right now, talk to my Ts about (it's mostly T1 but she is more disclosing in general about her stuff - I've also shared a lot of vulnerable stuff with T1 the past week and THIS... this doubting and feeling weird about stuff and finding stuff I don't really know if I like is definitely part of my process and pattern in this relationship so I have to be mindful of that too right now). Tomorrow this could all impact me differently

More than anything I don't want them to change, I want me to change to adapt but... sigh. That's not being a good relationshipee so to speak, I can't do the work for both of us.

Thanks for listening. What's... sadly ironic is... it does help to hear your perspectives and what you've been through with this I think it's different w/ my Ts in the relief.

quote:

I guess it just makes it hard to put my own stuff and my own feelings in perspective because if this stuff happens to a lot of people, then why does it bug ME so much.

One thing I think about sometimes is that there are so many experiences in life that ALMOST EVERYONE goes through that are really, really hard.

I got the stomach flu recently. I had forgotten how AWFUL it is just to get a stomach flu. I vomited all night and felt like I wanted to die. But that is a commonplace illness, not even as bad as dysentery or malaria or so many diseases that are common in the Third World. Yet I still wanted sympathy and to be fussed over to help me get through it.

Parenting is another one. Most people become parents by choice but parenting is REALLY HARD. Just because it's voluntary and normal doesn't mean people don't need support.

Trauma isn't voluntary, and not nearly so common as being a parent or getting sick, but it still happens to a lot of people. However the number of people experiencing it has nothing to do with how much it sucks. It just sucks. Period!

Maybe you were brought up thinking you didn't deserve any help or attention unless your circumstances were completely worse than anyone else's? I used to have a lot of problems with that belief, too. Like I used to think I didn't belong on this board because I've never been sexually or physically abused. But whatever! Just like everyone I've had pain in my life, and I deserve support, too. Just like you do!

((BLT))

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However the number of people experiencing it has nothing to do with how much it sucks.

I really like the way you've framed this. My T would (and has) said something similar. I'm just sad I can't feel, consistently, a sense of solidarity. Sort of like when you are sick with the flu (at least for me) I don't think "everyone gets sick" it's more "I'm sick" which is how it's supposed to work in therapy.

I was brought up not feeling like I didn't deserve attention but avoiding attention at all possible cost. Any attention is/was overwhelming. It's been a long, angry, road with my Ts (especially T1) to be okay with this.

I remember your post about feeling you didn't' belong here, but like you've said about too (or something like it) that the feelings are the same regardless of how the actual content came to be.

Thanks for your thoughts - they've helped immensely.

((((CAT))))

I'm super late here because I struggle with the same thing and didn't know what to say. It is interesting how we feel differently about having, say, the flu and wanting/needing to be taken care of and feeling like that's okay vs. the issues we struggle with. I can't help but wonder if it's because when we were sick when we were little, we got compassion and nurturing. At least I did. But if I was upset about something, that was a completely different story and was actually treated with contempt. And there were all sorts of comparisons made with people in third world countries who have things much worse than I did. I don't think my mother did that when I had the flu. I was sick and was entitled to be sick. She didn't say, oh it could be so much worse, you could have malaria. Right? Could you imagine?

The one thing that usually helps me feel a little better is to remember that trauma treatments are available for everyone to make life better for themselves, to help people become more functional. So it's not like I'm in therapy to try to establish that my life was worse than the person next to me although it might feel that way sometimes. I truly believe that big and little trauma have deep and lasting psychological impact on people. Why not process it so we could become the best people we can be? The experts are out there and they believe in it and are willing to help us. They don't think we are making too much of anything. It comes down to taking ourselves seriously and wanting the have the best life we can have. That I deserve to have a good life. It helps sometimes to think of it that way.

Hope you are feeling better. It sounded like you were starting to.

((Liese))

quote:

I can't help but wonder if it's because when we were sick when we were little, we got compassion and nurturing. At least I did.

I'm really thankful, Liese that you had parents kind enough to do this. When I'd had stomach flu (not often) my parents would set me up at the television with a bucket hehehe so they were good in that way. When I was sick/hurt 90% of the time I'd be in trouble. I had my parents screaming at me once while they drove me not to the ER but the place I was housesitting after I passed out in public due to abdominal pain. Sorry not trying to be dramatic but this was the level of 'don't give a damn' my parents were capable of. It was usually because if I was sick, or hurt it was their fault and they'd feel bad and I'd comfort them.

That's been my experience anyway, and it seems interesting that people who did receive some level of compassion sort of get where I'm coming from. It's not that I want to feel worse than my Ts it's... you know I think you just helped me realize it is the care taking - it is because I comforted my parents and they made my hurt about them. Maybe I am triggered by that that I feel like my hurt is being made in to other people's hurt and I feel like... automatically I can't feel/be hurt because I need to take care of someone else. I can't take care of my therapist, she takes care of herself but I still maybe feel that need to withdraw because I don't want it to be about me. I know with my parents I felt like...wow my parents are crying or wow they feel bad and since they rarely felt that way...it must be a really big deal because I was tough... I didn't cry, I didn't say I felt bad.

I'm sorry your parents met your communicating your issues w/ contempt. I think a lot of us have had that experience too - either with explaining and being invalidated, or being silent (and therefore invalidated also).

I really do agree with you that the point of therapy is - no matter what we've been through - working toward the same end of improving ourselves and I do want to improve. If what I think triggering me really is I just don't... know how to talk about it because part of my trust for her IS that she is so real and there WILL be a point in time I'll need that solidarity and if I say anything I can't have it anymore.

(((CAT)))

quote:

When I was sick/hurt 90% of the time I'd be in trouble.

(((((CAT))))) How awful.

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Maybe I am triggered by that that I feel like my hurt is being made in to other people's hurt and I feel like... automatically I can't feel/be hurt because I need to take care of someone else.

Cat, I know I would want to take care of my T if I knew he was hurt. I still do even though he's never disclosed anything to me about his issues. It drives me nuts that I can't take care of him. I guess, being the one who is in need of the care puts us in such a vulnerable position. It would be so much easier to take the focus off of our own wounds and tend to others.

quote:

there WILL be a point in time I'll need that solidarity and if I say anything I can't have it anymore.

Why won't you be able to have it anymore if you don't say anything?

quote:

Why won't you be able to have it anymore if you don't say anything?

I think in my best interest my Ts would stop disclosing if I told them it was bothering me. Ya know? Then I don't know if I could ask for that back or if it would be awkward or if my Ts still wouldn't because it's about me not them... but see I think I will value their disclosure in time... so..... my idea is to silently suffer in the meantime? Maybe not the best idea.

Being in need is definitely vulnerable It would be so much easier to think of someone else BUT that's how we got in to this mess in the first place sometimes... caring for others can be a coping mechanism.

Blargh. Thanks for helping me figure this out... or... at least talk about it. ((Liese))

((((CAT))))

quote:

I think in my best interest my Ts would stop disclosing if I told them it was bothering me. Ya know? Then I don't know if I could ask for that back or if it would be awkward or if my Ts still wouldn't because it's about me not them... but see I think I will value their disclosure in time..

Now I understand what you mean. I've been in that position with my T and understand how that feels. The most salient example I can think of is when my T started to hug me last December. Part of me really really loved it and part of me was really pissed off that he didn't ask. I mean, really pissed off. I held off telling him until after the holidays but decided it was best to tell him because my anger was really intense. I knew I ran the risk of having him withdraw the hugs - which is exactly what happened. But I needed to tell him. I needed to honor myself. Still miss those hugs.

((((CAT)))) Good luck with whatever you decide. Unless you really think keeping it to yourself is really hurting you, maybe it's okay to keep it to yourself. I could see how, with the way you described the dynamic with your parents, it would make you feel uncomfortable focusing on yourself and your pain and trigger all that stuff from childhood. Maybe you are integrating? With your parents, you had to minimize your own pain and take care of theirs in order to survive. It was all about them. But with your T, it's not all about her. Making those fine line distinctions. Maybe there is a way you could talk to her about it but let her know that you don't want her to stop disclosing? Just that you want help working through the feelings?