T said I "depersonalized"

FIRST of all..im sorry this turned out so long : \..
I hope somebody can help me.
*im not sure but this may trigger so read with caution*'
I had been avoiding and being passive about anything sexual related in my T sessions, most of it focused on the physical and mental abuse from my mother and biological father.

We were talking about relationships, she asked me if I ever had a serious boyfriend...and I said no, she asked me why, and I said " I dont like being looked at *like that*"..and suddenly SUDDENLY, she said "Has any of the men your mother brought home looked at you like that?"
"What did they do?"
"How?"

All these questions came and all I could answer was "I dont know", "I dont know" I dont know anything, I dont know I dont know...

I wanted to say more, but suddenly, I felt like the foor went away and she was talking and talking and talking and Its like I had an air bubble in my head and I couldnt think at all, I didnt understand her , I couldnt talk...I couldnt hear properly...that I felt like there was a big weight on my head and the room was flattening, I felt like I was floating away, I mean she was in front of me..but everything she said sounded like charlie brown teacher speak.

Just without thinking or eventime to worry I took off my glasses and said "Please, Hold on" ....and then she asked me "Whats wrong??"..I dont think she noticed what was happening to me (even though for me it was terrifying). and I told her "Please, hold on one minute" and I just felt like I couldnt see, I told her "Im trying to listen but I cant" I couldnt believe she didnt see all this stuff was happening to me! Did I just look normal on the outside???
"I cant undertsand you" and everything felt like it could echo in the room.

I told her "I feel like Im not here".. and she was telling me to breathe, asked me if I needed water...I hate when people ask me stuff like that because I feel like im taking their time, Like im being stupid and dramatic...my mother always told me I was dramatic and made stuff up for attention, I would hate for her to be right. So I just told her "Im fine". Then I just made believe I was ok, because I dont like making scenes.

Even though I was stilll completely lost, I just said *Im ok now, im ok*because my mother used to get angry at me and hit me if I ever made a big deal about things or cried or anything like that, so I dont like tellling people I feel afraid or sad or anything...

Then she started talking a lot again, everything was muffled, all I could do is apologize
the room was spinning and I felt like any second something horrible was going to happen....
Its been a few days and .....I still feel like im floating, I feel angry and lost and my whole body hurts...
, when I left her office, I felt like everything was a movie, everything was some sort of film strip...
I feel like its been the same day this whole time.. Like I go to sleep and wake up but its still the same day.
I dont know what to make of this....
She said I depersonalized???? What does that mean, she asked me if it hapens a lot, and I said no, but now that I think back I do do it a lot...and blah I dont want to mention anything again, Im freaked out. too hard
Since then, Ive felt angry , "not here" and so depressed....I kinda even felt like I wish I was in her office.
I feel like nothing matters.

My T said, "I need you to tell me to stop before you have that 'depersonalization'" ....

I didnt even know it was gonna happen. I feel like Im supposed to apologize.
Anybody else go through this? how o u get out of it...I havent been back to normal since.

1/26/124:28 AM

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laurakMember

I believe I understand what was happening to you. When bad things happen to us when we are young our little minds can't handle it and they go into a state similar to what you are describing so our bodies are present but our minds go elsewhere to protect us.

Its common for those who have suffered various forms of trauma as a child and or specifically child abuse. What works really well as a coping mechanism for the child becomes a barrier for us as adults. Its a disassociation/ withdrawal or as your therapist was explaining it depersonalization. Your mind was protecting you.

People if they aren't familiar with the symptoms of child abuse are not familiar including therapists I've found. A therapist can intellectually read about symptoms of child abuse but its another thing to understand it well and identify its symptoms. People can't necessarily know or see what's going on within you unless you share it with them. I don't know if you could warn her before you go into it but you might develop a hand signal that she's triggering you.

How do you get through it / out of it? I think you have to integrate it with the rest of your being. Poke holes in it. Try to communicate and feel warmth when you are in it.

I hope this explanation helps.

1/26/125:16 AM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

(((((Don'tgiveuponme))))

It sounds like your T started asking questions that took you close to some very painful buried stuff and it pushed you out of the theraputic window. What you're describing sounds like disassociation, a defense commonly used by children who experience long term abuse.

It's really good that you were able to identify how you were feeling and communicate some of it to your T. Please try not to beat yourself up for this reaction. If dissociation is employed a lot as a child, it is often an unconscious reaction as an adult. You didn't decide to do it, it's how you react to certain forms of stress.

It can take a long time and a lot of hard work but you can learn not to do it. There was a time in my life when I often dissociated, it took very little to have it kick in, especially in sessions. But as I healed, I was able to become more conscious of doing it and then was able to learn other ways to cope so that I didn't need to use dissociation. It can still very rarely happen, but I am very quick to catch it and see it as a signal that I need to focus on how i"m going and see what it is that's bothering me that I'm trying not to pay attention to.

The best way to start is to be as honest as you can with your T about how your feeling and what happens. As you learn what triggers you, you can teach her so both of you can learn to identify when it's happening and take steps to keep you in the room.

There's a post on my blog I think you might find helpful: Dissociation and Trauma: It wasn't really that bad, was it?

You're not a drama queen, nor are you doing this to gain attention, DGUOM. You did this in order to survive things that never should have happened to you.

1/26/128:20 AM

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dontgiveuponmeMember

wow. thank u for ur responses. Thnk u for helping me understand why this is hapening to me. I dont remember feeling like that all the time when I was little, doing that *deperson* thing, but I do remember it happening a few times, strangely, when nothing was happening...I remember it happening at school once.

That blog post u posted was so helpful. I cant believe how it described things so wel and put the pieces together for me.

Sometimes I need people to tel me things so I can believe them, like that im not doing this for attention...thats what I was accused of the most, even when I was just sitting there doing nothing...Ide get told I was trying to cause trouble.

Thank u for helping me. Sorry it was so long but I appreciate u guys read it.

and ty for the hugs

1/27/124:05 AM

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