went to T today and it started out to be the same old story .i get to her office, freak,and completely clam up. that lasted about 20 min i would guess. i wanted to run so so bad because i was already hating myself and not being able to say anything.

then my T (thank god) sent me a life raft. she said that it seems like i am all bottled up again. she said she wasn't sure but wanted to know if this is the case. i couldn't collect my thoughts at all they were all over the place.scared,confused etc... she was so frustrated. i said that i had no idea what is OK to say.i really don't but she never seemed to believe me.she sighed and literally threw her hands up. i immediately freaked and said i was sorry. i don't want to frustrate her. she said that she sees that i need guidelines around what is OK to say.but i didn't understand what the guidelines are. she said basically she has no rules about what to say. she explained that maybe some like if i said i want to kill her that she would be OK with that but if i said i am going to kill her that maybe she might have a problem with that. i smiled(yup i said all that)

she reminded me of what we had talked about the week before. other ways of non verbal communication. she asked if i wanted to play this game we play sometimes with colors and snails. or if i wanted to work with some clay ,or draw? i have been wanting to show her my drawings in my T journal but have been completely terrified to do it.i needed to do this .i can't keep behaving in this way i need to start changing things.she has never given me any reason to believe she wants to harm me. i asked her if she wanted to see the drawings in my T journal she said yes but i needed to let her know my boundaries. i reminded her about last time i showed her a pic she started reading the other stuff and it freaked me out. so if she would promise to not do that she could see them. she smiled and said she was being a bit nosy and agreed so i opened my journal and handed it to her (yup i just handed her my T journal)i believe i even got up from my chair and stood next to her a times for a few seconds.thinking back that probably freaked her out and i shouldn't have done that.

she was looking at the pictures and she asked if i copied these or drew them myself. i told her i drew them.she asked ,and the words i told her they were mostly songs and not my words.so it was OK if she read those. she said that these were amazing and asked if i wanted her to say anything. i shrugged my shoulders and said nothing. she said that i have humbled her. she asked me if i knew why. she said that she has been doing this a long time.she thought she new a lot about me and i just showed her that she was so so wrong that she now sees that she knows nothing about who i am and that their is so so much more. she was really looking at a few of them and started reading the words out loud and the panic started .i don't know if she saw that but suddenly she started whispering the words but i could still hear them. i seemed to work.i wasn't freaking out as much. the whispering seemed to soften them.

she thanked me for showing her my drawings.she said that she knew it was scary and that she appreciated how hard it is and that she was honored that i was willing to do this. now i am panicking and thinking it was all fake .she thinks i am horrible. she said she hopes i will come back next week. why did she say that.