quote:
I Apologize for feeling sorry for myself and being so negative.
Seablue... please do not apologize for feeling this way. This is a very major thing you are dealing with and going through. It is very hard. Leaving someone who you are very attached to feels like death and with good reason. Biologically leaving an attachment figure as a child would mean death. We as humans are hard-wired to stay close to our Attachment Figure. I felt like I was dying when old T abandoned me. I literally could not breathe or move. I felt paralzyled or in such awful pain I could not function.
I do think that you will need some time to grieve the loss of your T and it's important to find a new T that will allow you the time to grieve and miss her and will be patient enough to wait for you to be ready to attach again to someone new.
My experience... well I would say the first thing I thought about even in my grief was what exactly did I want in a T?? I wanted a male in his 50's or 60's... someone with experience but not too old who would retire on me. I wanted someone with an office close to my office since my appts are on lunch hour. I wanted someone who understood attachment and complex trauma, and who would allow outside of session contact via phone or email. This was important. It was also important that I felt comfy in their office space. My oldT had an office in a 200 year old farmhouse which had the aura of the past and a wonderful character. His office had this huge beautiful fireplace with handmade colorful tiles around it. I loved being in that office. It was not too big nor too small and not too light. The windows were small and 2 looked out into the grassy area with nice trees.
And so I went to see T1. I was so freaked out that day. It was only 3 days after the abandonment. I saw a T whose office was in an older building. It was an attic office. Small with low ceilings and very cluttered. I would not sit on his couch and he had to clear off a desk chair for me. He was nice but formal and stiff. In his 60's I would say. I mostly just cried and cried. And then I felt panicky about being alone with a strange man in an isolated office. I had to calm myself down. Basically, he said I needed better boundaries (which I heard as you are a wild crazy woman and need to be pulled in) and that he does not use the phone or have email and that I could only ever see him once per week. I felt he was too rigid for me and I never went back.
T2 was someone I knew slightly because he used to rent an office in oldT's farmhouse. He was a nice guy and now had a new office space. His office was HUGE. He sat so far away from me it felt like the Grand Canyon was between us. Probably it was 10 feet. He had nice new furniture, gave me all the appropriate paperwork and listened as I talked about oldT shaking his head in amazement. I cried a lot there too. He also told me no outside contact unless I had to cancel an appointment or I was suicidal. Gee thanks. I had to be suicidal to call him. Aside from that I remember I had to leave by an alternate door in his office which led directly into the parking lot. I felt like I was being expelled and it felt wrong. I sat in the car and cried for an hour after that. I never went back to him either. I did write him a note explaining a little and asked for my receipt which he forgot to give me. He wrote me back a very nice note as well.
T3 was "D"... you may remember she threw me under the bus in the "transition" session with old T. She had a nice office in a big office building. It as very feminine though which really threw me because I had never seen a female T before. We sat close and she was very casual, not a clock watcher and didn't mind calls or emails from me. But she seemed clueless about attachment and at our last session she told me I should learn to attach to myself. That was when I walked away. I didn't need to deal with that again. She totally mishandled that session with oldT, never defending ME but worrying about him. I saw her for 10 sessions and then left, despite knowing that she was the last connection to oldT. I felt strongly that she would end up hurting me at some point.
T4 was a male, 46, who was a Christian counselor and who promised me we could do therapy without the religious aspect which is what I wanted. He was well versed in complex trauma and followed Briere someone who I respect in the trauma field. The thing was I had to meet him in an old church office that he used on the ONE day per week he was in my town. My appointments would rotate either at 6pm or 9 pm. the 9pm was late for me with a child at home. He was smart and nice and empathic. I did like him and felt he was knowledgeable and he asked good questions and also shared a lot of info about ethical terminations. He seemed very open and honest. I hated the old shabby, messy office, sitting on hard chairs and surrounded by the church pastor's belongings. It could never feel like home, like my oldT's office did to me. It was too impersonal. He never offered outside contact and I didn't ask about it. But he WAS in my insurance plan (the others were not) and I was so broke from paying all the other Ts I hung in there for a bit.
But at the same time I had an appointment with my current T. I had one appointment and then he left for a week of vacation. I can't say I like him immediatly. Actually, I never believed I could ever like another T ever again. I tried to look at it from a totally intellectual viewpoint. Sort of meeting criteria that was in my head. Actually, I felt a higher degree of comfort with him right away from our first phone call...he told me attachment was perfectly normal and even desired in psychodynamic therapy. He understood complex trauma and abuse and how it relates. He understood about my abrupt and harmful termination and he was warm and friendly on the phone. When I met him he seemed really happy to meet me. He shook hands, told me to call him by first name, told me I could call, beep or email him anytime. He was in my insurance plan too! HIs office was modern but not too big or small and close to me. What brought me a lot of comfort was the huge wall of books he had and all the knick knacks (which I rightly assumed was from clients). I figured he was loved by many others.... good sign.
The strange part of this is... he was the T of my work friend who was the one who I called that horrible day my oldT called the police on me. She came with me to the ER and came home w/me and took all my painkillers. She was pretty freaked out by the whole thing and ended up calling my T/her T and told him the entire story. So he actually knew OF me before he met me and was actually very happy I showed up at his door. He seems to specialize in those with prior failed treatment experiences. He told me that he was so impressed with my courage in calling him because he knew I knew he knew OF me from my friend (if that makes sense).
The rest is history. I had to suffer through not having a regular appointment for 4 months. That was hard. He was somewhat similar to oldT in age and coloring and body shape so that it was hard to look at him and know he was not my oldT. Eye contact was difficult. It was really hard at times to stay with him. But he never changed. He answered my emails and remained consistent. I allowed him to know me more an the more he knew the more connected we became and the more invested HE became in me and in wanting the best for me and in moving closer to me.
It took about 3 months of seeing him sometimes 2x per week to get to the point of feeling something for him. Feeling the possibility of connection. I remember because it was around Christmas. It was like a miracle.
You pretty much know the rest. I'm still with him. He is wonderful and amazing and so much better than oldT. I am blessed.
So that is my SAGA. It can be done. It takes work and courage and stamina and risking gettinig attached to someone new. It's scary at times but we will all be here to support you.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Hug
TN
I am introverted on top of HATING the circustances I am in. 
