We have answered your poll, cos we think about this all sometimes. T has shifted a few times, maybe depending on whose out. Or sometimes she will take a very direct line like yesterday. One of the biggest shifts lately is when I am totally there, she will be very direct and challenging but not in a bad way. There was a bit of a seismic shift too after the 7 week summer break - think because we had both got stuck a bit. If T makes a physical change to the room like her chairs recently she explains the reasons behind it, somehow just on a personal level it makes that kind of shift easier? It was subtle but there I guess to do what maybe push the work along. Not sure if that answers your questions really (umm, feel free to ignore the ramble) but yes I think shifts are there.

The break was huge for us, as the most T had ever taken was two and a bit weeks. I think it might have been both of us really. I know we did not feel the same afterwards definitely and we noticed her shifting when she came back too. I know it was the longest adjustment post break we have felt and we spent more time discussing the length of the break than the really deep stuff about the shift. The shift we pingles felt and the shifts she made I guess were almost like secret shifts in that they were unspoken and kind of quiet. I guess thats because maybe we are usually incredibly attuned to each other (its a bit weird sometimes) so I guess it almost did not need to be spoken about in terms of the shift we were feeling inside and she was showing. I think she was aware of how impactful the break was on us, because it took a month or more of twice weekly sessions before we pingles felt she was back and we felt comfortable enough even to take our coat off. It has just meant we were able to make some progress rather than feeling like we were stuck in treacle. Does that help ?
Pingleys xx

Hey Draggers

I think the attunement is a big thing in our pingles relationship with T and could account for the shifts (might not be with T's who work in a different way perhaps more blank slate or CBT). Knowing T's theoretical framework attunement is a huge part of how she works and why she works in the way she does. Attunement is part of the relational side of her work.

T is very quick to pick up on all those unsaid things, like if we dont take our coat off, if we feel we cant sit down, like the other week we could not sit down in the chair, so the session moved to the floor (something T would not have done previously). She will never challenge us about things like the coat, but somehow she notices it ? She will also respond to subtle shifts in our mood (like we don't have to say something, she just shifts the tone, or even her position on her couch to reflect ours) other times she will sense we are getting upset without me saying it, and just get up and get us our cushion. Its kind of weird sometimes how in tune she is but she is also the first to verbally check out with us that she is on the same page as us too. Sometimes its gone wrong and we have both talked about it, so she is not perfect at it by any means but she says we keep working on the attunement and then we get to trust and know each other more each step we take with it.

So yes we think the attunement is part of shifts for us pingles and our T. Maybe it was attunement for you and your T with the chair thing too?
pingles x

I had to answer yes, 'cause T makes a bunch of little changes to the room and how he works for me...but these changes were never out of my awareness, as they were all offered directly in response to expressed fears or needs. Things like dimmer lights, lowered shade on the window (though he has tested my tolerance for those things recently, short periods only), sitting together instead of across from one another (which necessitates moving the clock in one office).

Other changes aren't so much staging in that sense and have been more subtle, though none-the-less discussed. T will bring up that he does work very differently with me. Certain cognitive-based interventions, he has to be more careful with, because of my sensitivity to perceiving invalidation (from past being not allowed to think/feel/remember in certain ways), and I will go into comply/shutdown, or crisis-numb. He goes lighter on some of the spiritual stuff with me than others, because some of it triggers badly as well. He also has to try to avoid his usual lines that work with others, like, "What would you like to talk about (of do) today?" Apparently, people just jump right in and get going, but being asked that just causes me to fall into panicked silence. As a result, I get a lot of, "So..." while he's trying to figure out how to get me settled as I rebuff the typical, "How are you/things?" questions.

I often feel ashamed, sometimes humiliated, about being so much work. He says complicated, and "good" challenging. He says he has no agenda with me, which is obvious from how he works, so from that perspective, I would really call what he does a shift, rather than any sort of staging. Because...he's not trying to set up the environment to get anything out of me, or to get me to go somewhere I'm not already heading in our work. It's more like he's meeting me where I am. He knows I am ready and willing and trying my best to heal. He also knows I can't do it on my own, or else I would have already. I need someone to be with me, so I can take those slow steps forward. So, when my T shifts things like that for me, I'm really just trying to see it as his way of showing (all of) me that we're together, not alone, this time.

I get the image of a baby learning to take his or her first steps. If her parents are all the way across the room and she's standing in the middle with no one to hold onto, she'll most likely just sit down and go back to the old way of getting around (crawling equated to other coping mechanisms, avoidance, etc.). But, if her parent first stands behind or aside her, holding her hands, she will try out what it's like to take some steps. Then, if her parent goes not too far away, where she can be caught if she falls, even the most timid child will eventually feel safe to try out her first steps with nothing to hold onto. So, that's how I see what T is doing when he shifts for me. Embarrassing to put myself in the role of a baby, but in terms of attachment development, that's one place I'm stuck, so...

Did that make sense?

My T changes really subtly, but in most things she is steadfast and constant which I know I need. But she is so up for changing anything that might help me move forward but this is in consultation normally, so that there are no surprises.

Good question Draggers, I might have to think about it a bit more to reflect on changes over the years

starfishy

thanks for this interesting thread, (((draggers)))

the biggest thing i have noticed as of late is his coming in for closer proximity. he sits in his chair, and i never deviate from sitting on the couch across the room, with a coffee table in between us. the last few sessions, i have notice that he has come closer, does not alway just sit with his knees bent (he'll sit cross-legged now, or sit with one leg on the coffee table). he's a bit more casual. i don't know if it's counter-transference, or he's trying to make me more comfortable or what, but i think it has made a slight difference in the therapy. like, he's more comfortable, so i'm more comfortable kind of thing. don't know if that makes any sense, but that's kind of where it is right now. i have struggles a LOT with negative transference, and still do, but i feel as though that is turning around. i really am feeling as though T has some sense of care about me. and i have to say, it is very comforting. thanks for asking these questions, (((draggers)))

hey draggers! lovely to see you!
i also answered that she's changed tactics and that i think it wasnt just my perpective/ transference, although its all mixed together its hard to know sometimes. its like a small change on her part, then changes how you feel about T, then it might continue the change in how T talks to you...and so on, so then it becomes a big dramatic shift, especially compared to what you expect from the past.

in terms of 'staging' or 'being natural' - i think its all part of their job, i dont know if i would clasify it either way, its just responding to you and what you need. but i think i understand what you mean - i would also often feel like it's just a 'tactic' that she changed because of how 'stupid' i am.

the biggest change i noticed in my T is that she doesnt let me be silent for too long at the beginning now, even though we talked about it previously, and i sort of indirectly told her or implied that i would like her to help me talk (but probably in a very confusing way like also saying 'maybe i just dont want to talk' or 'i dont need your help' as well as 'sometimes i get lost or stuck')... anyway, there was one session where i was soooo upset because i had sent an important email which i was hoping we would talk about, but then she just sat there waiting for me to start!! so after, i wrote her another really emotional email (a poem) about how i felt like i was in the past again (small and abandoned) - and then she finally got it!!!! so now she would say something and not let me feel so abandoned.

i do hope you feel your T is genuine, and that its not really 'staging', it's being a good responsive T!

puppet

Draggles, do you worry that staging is like manipulation? That it means that the relationship isn't real somehow?

I guess from my point of view, I think of it less as 'staging' and more as being responsive to my needs.

For example in our early sessions, current T often let silence stretch out (which utterly freaked me out and I absolutely hated it and had to ask her not to do that if she wanted me to continue working with her). I know that use of silence is pretty normal, to give clients the opportunity to collect their thoughts and speak but it doesn't work for me. She is careful now to be more balanced and funnily enough I am better able to tolerate silence now after a year than I was 12 months ago.

I also remember worrying about her use of self-disclosure in later sessions but still quite close to the beginning of our relationship. I think I worried about it being manipulation to 'make me' open up. In reality, I think she was just trying to find a way for me to move forward and feel more comfortable with her and reduce the whole 'blank slate' feeling, which I cope particularly poorly with, as it feels as if the therapist holds all the power.

I think what good therapists is try to get alongside people on the client's terms, not try to move clients along according to a set agenda.

When my feelings towards her do a big shift, then usually that indicates something in the therapy has pushed one of my buttons. I might not recognise it as that though, which is really frustrating.

(((eme))) Those situations sound really hard, well, especially having your session cut short. My T will always warn me when he have less time than typical, but we always do more than a standard session, so less is still more in that case and I know he does it just so I know what we're working with from the start. I don't think it's right for a T to take away time that you've paid for (unless maybe they gave you the option of switching to another time and you'd rather just keep a shorter session).

Sometimes T would do or say things that would trigger me and bring a bunch of stuff up. I think a lot of us have worried whether T's are doing that. Early on, I did ask him whether that sort of stuff was ever on purpose, and he said it wasn't. He said something about not being "crafty" like that, which implied both it wouldn't be in his nature to manipulate (not the negative connotation, the neutral one) and he's not clever enough to do it, lol. Love my humble T. It's not that he doesn't do/say anything intentionally or with forethought, but I think his forethought is more, like...

"How will this affect my client? Would it be helpful at this point or not?"

I really don't think it's anything like,

"Wow, this client has a really negative pattern whenever she feels invalidated (or fill in the blank). I think she's unaware of it, so I'm going to say something she can perceive as invalidating, so we can bring it up to the surface and examine it."

I don't think I could work with someone who was doing that and not being up front.

(((YAKUSOKU)) Thanks a bunch for your kind feedback, I really do appreciate it.