My T would probably tell me where she was going if I asked, but I wouldn't care much. On the other hand, I am not attached to her yet.

probably better if you don't know. Less to fantasize about.

I'd say I agree that it doesn't really matter where they are going. For some clients it could be a detriment (example: you are/think you are better than me or get paid too much because you are going to Tahiti thinking - somewhere exotic versus say camping or sitting @ home). So I think from an emotional or an attachment perspective in my personal opinion it could be good, it could be bad depending on the client and the T's comfort level in disclosing. For example a have a phobia about a specific method of travel and whenever I know my T is traveling that way over a long distance I get nervous. My Ts and my P almost always tell me where they are going in general. I guess if one of them didn't tell me and I asked and they said that it doesn't matter I'd say... true it doesn't matter but I'd still like to know. I think it's helpful so I can stay connected. I love the forrest for example and my T went out in the wild one year and told me she'd think of me/send me good energy so when I missed her it was nice to think of her in a place I love because it was calming. I think it depends a lot on the individual pairing of T/client whether it's a good idea or not. They might be going to see their family which could bring up negative attachment stuff, or could be going to where they grew up and they don't want to disclose that info, etc. With my personality my response to a comment like that would be to tell my T where I'm going to imagine her going and we'd just go with that I'd make a vacation for her so my brain had something to satisfy it because my heart is connected to these people and I don't like to think of them as just floating in space.

My OldT would never tell me where he was going and treated it like a state secret. One year he did offer to tell me but I told him I was not sure I needed to know. I asked him if I could think about it. So when I thought it over I felt it would help me to know. He then refused to tell me, citing "boundary" issues, which was total bullshit. He was so inconsistent it made me unstable.

So... when I began to see my current T and he told me he was going on vacation I "froze"...I could not ask him anything and just about ignored the whole topic (big denial that he was leaving town ). So what did he do? He just told me where he was going like it was not a big deal at all (like my oldT made it out to be). Later after I told my T about how oldT handled it he was aghast and said he was being ridiculous and that he trusted that I would not show up in Mexico or whereever he was going on vacation LOL.

Over the year, when the next vacation time came up, again I refused to even discuss it and he worked with me to get me to the point where I could ask him where he was going. I was so afraid to ask. So I did and he happily told me and said I could email him, or even call him for an urgent matter. In fact, he WANTED me to email him to check in and I would experience that it was okay and he was still there for me. He said it helps to keep the connection for patients who are attached or working on attachment issues. He joked that his patients will check the weather report for each day for where ever he is and that also helps them. So I did that and it did help. He also told me it was okay to miss him while he was gone. He said that was very normal and okay. He told me that he didn't want me to suffer while he was gone but missing him was fine and he said he would look forward to seeing me when he got back. He handled his vacation time flawlessly and turned each trip into a therapeutic lesson. It made such a big difference for me that it was okay to feel a certain way about him leaving and he totally understood.

BTW, my T does not take more than a week vacation at a time, although he takes 3-4 vacations per year. He says that leaving his patients for longer than that causes a lot of anger and some begin to regress so this system works well for him.

Oh... and I did email him while he was on vacation to check in and connect with him. He was fine with it and praised me for doing that when we had our next session.

I really am so blessed to have found him.

TN

quote:

because my heart is connected to these people and I don't like to think of them as just floating in space

Hi Cat... this is so true. When my oldT would go away for three weeks at a time it was as if he just disappeared into a black hole and I could never maintain any kind of connection to him that way and I was usually in horrible pain from the loss.

TN

My T's style is very open and not at all blank slate-ish in general, so if all of a sudden she got all coy and mysterious over where she was going on vacation, I would probably think she was being silly and should get over herself.

However, it seems they all have different styles when it comes to self disclosure, and reading here I've learned that there are pros and cons to each kind of approach, and also that different clients may need different strategies. So if being a completely blank slate was part of my Ts therapeutic persona and that was working for me over all, I don't think I would have a problem with her refusing to disclose where she was going on vacation, (other than maybe feeling a bit snubbed).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it all depends on the larger context of the therapeutic relationship and how it is conducted between the particular client and therapist.

My T went on vacation a few months ago. She came back looking quite fresh and glowing.

I felt jealous that she had probably gone somewhere nice. I was even more jealous that she had gone away with people that she was close to. Even worse, a partner.

I don't want to know if she has a partner. It will make me feel sick.

Thanks for all your input. So it sounds to me like it's a bit mixed, like it depends more on the client/therapist and their relationship.

The reason I asked the question is because last visit my T told me she was gonna be gone on vacation. I know she's very open and willing to tell me where she's going. Normally I would just ask and deal with any extra pain that brings, on my own. I seem to feel a lot of pain with attachment separation and that. But I asked her if she thought it would be good or bad for me to know where she's going. I felt like on the one hand if she doesn't tell me then I'll be picturing something very triggering while she's gone, but if she tells me and it's just as bad or worse than I'm imagining than that could be even more triggering and hard. But on the other hand if she tells me and it's not as bad as I was imagining that could make it easier. So after I asked the question if she thought it'd be better or worse for me to know, she replied very matter of factly, "it really doesn't matter where I'm going." I felt pretty hurt by that. I'm not sure if subconsciously I felt like she was happy she was going away from me, or she wasn't supporting me in this, or why that felt so unsettling? So I was just trying to get some insight from you into whether or not it's wrong for me to feel hurt by that, or if she's right.

[Later, after I decided I wanted to know, she did tell me.]

Thanks again

[edit] or maybe the fact that I felt hurt and unsettled by her words is more important than who is right...

For me, my T has only ever been off for time with his family. Once, it was a drive several hours south and I was paranoid about a car accident.

But, I think I could actually go either way with knowing or not knowing. I think my knowing whether it was time off for vacation (i.e. travel somewhere) or family or a church event or whatever it was would be plenty. So, I guess I might wonder about how he is using the time off out of interest in him as a person, but not need to know exactly where he is going. But, my T tends to volunteer that information anyway. For example, there have been times that he had his son's birthday party, so he would be staying in the city that his second office is in (he commutes to my area and across the bay M-Th and only goes home Friday night through Monday morning). It was relevant in that it changed when we could do a phone call we had scheduled and he would not be able to do it from his home office and wanted to make sure that was OK with me, but perhaps I didn't need to know exactly what he had going on. Truthfully, for some reason, it doesn't bother me. His son is my little sisters' age and I am a parent figure to them, so I guess I can relate to him on that parent level without the inside kids getting too jealous.

Anyway, I think a response like "it really doesn't matter," would be hurtful to me, not because it isn't true intellectually, but because it is discounting/invalidating of the fact that it feels important to me. I would rather a T asked why I was wanting to know and try to get at the feelings behind needing that knowledge. Otherwise, if a T didn't want to say, just to make it about his or her own boundaries. The fact that she told you later probably means that she is OK with it mattering to you and she wasn't intentionally invalidating that. It was most likely just careless wording. If my T said something like that, he would probably mean that no matter where he goes, we don't "lose" the connection, like I seem to think. He has told me that he still feels connected to me between sessions or on the rare occasion that he goes away and that it is positive and good. He said even if I moved to China and we didn't communicate very often, the connection would still always be there. So, if he made a statement about it not mattering, despite feeling incredibly shut down, intellectually, I would know that is how he probably meant it. But...the feelings it stirred up would definitely be something for us to discuss and he would explain it explicitly, even if I kept saying, "I know, but it doesn't feel that way!" the whole time, just so I would know that his sense of the attachment was still positive and sustained. I don't know if I made sense there.

Thank you yakusoku, what you said makes a lot of sense. Maybe I'll try explaining it to my T like that.

In my case I wouldn't want to know where my T is going. The further away, the more anxiety I get. When I went home for holiday break, I was in agony knowing I was X miles and hours away from her. Currently, shes out of town but for a conference. She didn't say where, I didn't ask and I really don't need to know. If it ever came up though, I would beg her not to tell me lol.

My T has never had a problem telling me where he was going and it was never a big deal. Actually, I was always like, oh, cool, have a great time. IMO, not telling where they are going when asked creates a bigger issue than is necessary.

But this from Cat is priceless:

"With my personality my response to a comment like that would be to tell my T where I'm going to imagine her going and we'd just go with that I'd make a vacation for her so my brain had something to satisfy it because my heart is connected to these people and I don't like to think of them as just floating in space."

So true. That's exactly how it would feel. Floating in space, or as TN said, just disappearing into a black hole.

Good luck with it. Are we guessing that your T won't tell you where he/she was going?

It would be strange if he didn't tell me where he was going-it's not his style. He is very open. On the other hand, if he was more of a blank state therapist, maybe it would seem normal. Non-disclosure can be a good way for a patient to express feeling and thoughts about the relationship, with all those blanks to 'fill in' with one's own fantasies, thoughts, feelings...It depends on your issues and the therapist's style, perhaps modality.

I usually get crabby with him when he goes on vacations, though they are normally less than a week. Sometimes I've been jealous too...

I remember the first time he went on vacation during our therapy, before I felt the anger (it was 2 weeks!), we joked about the movie 'What About Bob". This reminds me that I have to see that movie as I haven't seen it yet. My therapist told me the patient follows the therapist on vacation. It sounds really funny. I think that's how I'll deal with his next vacation-watch that movie and text him about it.

Oh, I didn't answer your other questions:

quote:

If your T was going away on a vacation would you agree or disagree with the statement that it really doesn't matter where they're going? What about from an emotional or attachment perspective? How would you feel or respond if your T said this?

I'd probably agree that it didn't matter where he was going in some respects at least, because the feelings behind the fact that he is leaving is our issue for discussion. Though I want him to have fun and all and am curious...That's from an emotional or attachment perspective. Of course if he was going on a vacation I always dreamed of, or maybe somewhere that had a particular meaning to me, i might feel differently.