It used to bother me when I had to go long times between sessions, JD...I'm sorry you have a long break ahead of you...I think you should post on this thread each day, for one thing, and let us know how the break is going, and I think you should take your eq t up on the sessions, if that would help you...keeping really busy makes time go by faster, I've found, since leaving my T.

((((((JD)))))) Hang in there, jd...you'll get through it, just take it one day at a time.

big hugs,

BB

((((Jane))))

I'm sorry you're dealing with such a long break. Most of the time, the longest break I have to deal with is 2 weeks (just over halfway done with one right now), but I have had one or two three week breaks, and it's pretty hard, for me at least. Posting here has helped as well as PMs, journaling, and good old distraction. I know it's pretty much impossible not to do it, but if you can find a way to keep yourself busy enough that you're not counting down the days, that will help too. During this break I'm in right now, I've unfortunately been counting and it really makes it much worse, because instead of waking up one day and realizing you *only* have x amount of days left, I'm thinking, I have x amount of days left - that's too long!

Sorry that none of that is really helpful. But come here as much as you need and say whatever you need to say...we'll be here for you. Also, don't be afraid to take Eq T up on those extra sessions. Even if it's just to be with the horses...that will help immensely.

Jane,

I'm sorry about your break. I know you've had so much going on that has been really triggering, so it must be hard, but I am glad you have Eq T and she is offering you extra support. I think utilizing this forum would be helpful too. The longest break I've dealt with is slightly over two weeks and I had only been seeing my T three months at the time, so I was still in the running from the attachment phase at the time. However, I did make myself stop texting him almost entirely (except for one date that was a triggering anniversary) for his whole vacation. So, instead, I just started a daily journal about what I was experiencing at the time. Before that, my journal entries had been random things he had asked me to think about, summaries of how my sessions went, or responses to questions he asked in session where I didn't have an immediate answer. After that, it became more self-reflective. The journaling time I spent was really helpful to me and to him. It helped me track what was coming up for me, process some things on my own that I didn't really need his help with (but still wanted him to eventually be informed about) and come up with an agenda for when we resumed. That was the most help for me...

((((hugs)))) to you!!!

JD,

I'm sorry you are facing such a long break. I agree with what others have said. Distraction, staying busy, doing something nice for yourself (especially at times you would normally see T), journaling and seeing eq T would all be suggestions that I would have. I know it's hard to take your other T up on her offer, but there is no reason for you to have to tough this out on your own.

I hope that the time passes quickly and that you are able to reach out here for support. I know posting on vacation threads of mine was really helpful in getting through the time.

((((hugs)))))

Oh dear ((Jane)) the timing isn't so good!!! We've set up the 'Another countdown' thread where many of us post and drop in to support anyone on breaks - do drop in there!
Hugs, Morgs

Hi Jane
I'm sorry that T's break has come in the middle of a tough time. I recently got through a 21 day break so know how long that can be.
I found that the odd little treat helped, whether that was going for a nice walk, or having a coffee especially on the days I would have seen T helped and also the 'another countdown thread' where many of us found a little home from home while t was away and still post on helped. Plus all the other distraction stuff, helped a bit (colouring, play dough etc). I am glad that you have eq t offering some extra time, and although I know what you mean when you say you want to do this yourself, don't not take eq t up on it if you need to, its nice they have offered.
Take care

bb ~ thank you for the encouragement. Staying busy is a good idea - it is helping to do that... and I have a lot to do! It helps in many ways.

kashley ~ you are right about counting down the days... it is making it much more angonizing... distractions are helping, and you all are too. I'm so thankful for a place like this to post.

Yaku ~ thanks for the idea about journaling... my T suggestedsomething like that but I felt like I'd be a burden or something (a perpetual thought I'm always fighting) It is good to know that you did it - I think I'm going to start tonight. It helps to know I'm not alone in that.

Oh darn... posting from my phone and I have to go... I will reply more soon... thanks everyone!

strm ~ thank you so much for the support.

Morgs - thanks for recommending that thread! I'm going to go check it own now. It had been a topic that I was avoiding lately with this up coming break (denial never serves me well). You are right, the timing is awful! (Even my t said that). But I hope I can use this break to keep healing and growing...

jmb ~ 21 days? Ouch. It doesn't seem so long normally... ugh... but it helps to know you have gotten through it. I like the idea of treating myself. I think I'm going to go buy a new set of colored pencils tomorrow, when I normally would have seen t... that will help it will be a good outlet too!

ccccccccc*edited to take out personal info, just me being weird, sorry*

jane


p.s. sorry about any bad typing, posted from my phone

Hi Jane
Sorry to hear that you got so triggered by conversation/talk with your mother, no wonder you did when she said what she did, I think anyone would. Can you contact eq T and ask for that extra appointment ? As you say the birth of a new baby is something to be glad about So at the same time as sending congratulation aunt Jane, I''m sending you 's - JMB

JD congratulations on becoming an aunt! I'm sorry though that's it all been made painful by your mother's comments

Hope you can hang in there while your T is away, and are able to take up Eq T's offer of support. There's always the forum too to give you some comfort and support while you're getting through this break.

Sending you big hugs (((((((( Jane )))))))

LL

(((((JANE)))))

Such a long break, Jane. Sending you big hugs too. And congratulations on becoming an aunt.

xoxox

Liese

jmb, ll, liese ~ thanks for the encouraging words


update:
I have made it through week one of three weeks. So far, it has been awful. I guess it really can't get worse, and I'm 1/3 of the way there.

My T comes back in just over a week. And I am almost dreading it. I wish I could actually just pause all of my life and have more time...

I've gone from counting down days to... dreading my T coming back and seeing her again.

jane

(((JD)))
I've popped out from my break from the of to say that you are doing unbeliveably well considering all that's been happening for you lately you are being very strong in t's absence. I know what you mean about dreading t coming back after such a long absence (I was the same after my 21 day break not so long ago)you want them to come back and yet are not sure how its going to feel to see them again after so many days absence ? I did the shall I go or not on the 1st session back so I do get your 'dread' totally, it took me a week to talk to t about how her absence was for me, but we managed to work it out and got back on track quickly as t kind of guessed and hinted that she knew it was a super long break (we had just short breaks of a week until then) I hope you manage to do the same and hang in there, you are so very nearly there
JMB

Hello JD!

Nice to meet you. I joined this forum specifically to cope with my August break and have found it massively supportive so I hope you can get enough care here too. I find I read some therapyish books while my T is away too to kind of keep connected with it all. Good luck though - it's tough.

xx

How many days left now Jane? Are you still dreading it, or maybe starting to look forward to it a bit? I hope the latter, though I get why you wouldn’t feel too great about it.

Sending you lots of good wishes

LL

JMB, AnnieLake, LL ~ thank you so much for such kind words of encouragement. It helps my heart a lot <3

JMB ~ I am having such mixed up feelings about my T coming back, it helps to know I'm not alone in this.

AnnieLake ~ It's great to meet you! Yeah, reading here and elsewhere about therapy has helped me too. Immensely. How was it for you when your T came back?

LL ~ How many days until T gets back? Temp on call T just told me this morning that she flys back in tomorrow morning... ack! 3 days earlier than I thought. I actually don't have any appointment scheduled. She was going to call me and set something up for next week when she got back. Why didn't we schedule that? ugh.



I find myself excited that reg T gets back, and terribly dreading it. I fear I will go to my appointment and either just walk out or cry and melt into many pieces, or just be numb, or... oh shiesh... so much has happened the past few weeks... I fear she will hear of what has happened and think I'm incapable. Things were going to happen regardless if she was here or not though, so I duuno. It has all been stuff that was starting to happen before she left.

All of it just feels so exhausting to walk through. I feel so sad and angry and numb and... lots of feelings about her coming back. I think I feel mad at me for feeling so much about it. I'm not mad she left, just mad at me. Feeling like shiesh, can't she go on a vacation and have me not fall apart? At the same time, I did get through a lot of things without her, and sort of ok. well, I'm still here at least.

I want to run and stay and... most of all, I want to feel not feel so messed up.

~ jane

Jane
You sound really exhausted and tired at the moment . I can relate to the bit where you say you feel mad for feelings about her absence (I told t this week I hate feelings !) You should feel proud that you got through some serious things with out her and that as you say you are still here I know that doesn't make the mixed up stuff about her coming back any easier but its a little something to hold onto what you have achieved while she's been absent
I salute what you have done in her absence and I really mean that in a good way - you have been so strong

Hey

Oooh be kind on yourself JD. It's so tough having a break. Esp if you had lots of hard stuff going on to deal with too. This was my 4th August break and the first time I felt how much I didn't want her to go away. So for me, her going made me realise how important she is to me, how much I've changed and let her in. What saddens me is she's the first person I've ever let properly close. I used to find it really hard to talk to her about how I felt about her - good or bad - I was all like, ug no I don't feel anythign for you, this is purely a professional relationship. Oh dear how wrong I was on that. So I would say that whatever you feel is important - and to be able to talk openly about your feelings is amazingly hard but also soooo important. I am sure you will do just fine when your T returns. But take it easy in the meantime. I'm sorry I've just waffled on here - not sure how useful!

Big hugs xxxx

JMB ~ thanks for the encouragement. you are so kind. I am tired and so drained. I need a vacation myself! I hope I can hold on to some of the good of all mess of the past few weeks.

AnnieLake ~ thanks for sharing what it has been like for you, it is very helpful! I keep telling myself the same thing, that this is just a professional relationship that i have with my T... but one thing I have really experienced is that my feelings are deeper. which i suppose is really ok for this professional relationship... thanks for the hugs too

~ jane

my t is back... and we somehow have no appointment scheduled... and she hasn't called me... and I really feel so flat... like I just don't care at all, I have nothing to say to her... so why make any appointment? I don't feel mad, I feel horribly quiet. shut down. disconnected. unattached.

My T is on holiday now for 2 weeks. I don't know what to feel about it. I don't crave her all the time when I'm out of session. I think my mind is trying to detach from her, I'm really not sure. It's when I feel low or I'm contemplating, that I will have her in mind.

I don't know what I will do. When I feel low I will keep myself busy. I have to. It's hard not having much work, I've got too much time to think. And thinking is addictive and confusing for me.

She was lovely today. I don't know if what she was saying was the truth but she said that she keeps me with her when I'm gone and that she does care. She seems lovely. I'm lucky to have her.

(((((( Jane )))))))

I'm sorry it all feels so rubbish for you, with your T now back and no appointment scheduled. Is it down to you to make an appointment, or is your T supposed to get in touch?

I had a thought that maybe the way you are feeling, detached, disconnected, might be part of a defence against the fact of your T having been away for such a long time? I do get how easy it is to feel disconnected though, not quite out of sight out of mind, but who needs the pain of sustaining an attachment when the person themself has happily waltzed out of your life for x amount of time.

I am guessing that once you do see her again, you'll get the connection back. Just need to overcome your flatness and get that appointment made. I hope you get to see her very soon.



LL

(((Jane))) I detach from my T if I have to even go a week without contact, so it's no wonder you feel so disconnected. But, I think once you get back into the flow of things with a couple of appointments, you will be glad you did. The detachment works well as a short term strategy, but it doesn't necessarily mean things are fixed long term.

quote:

Originally posted by janedoe:
...I don't feel mad, I feel horribly quiet. shut down. disconnected. unattached.

With everything you have been facing during T's absence, it makes sense that you would feel exactly as you are feeling. I hope at some point this weekend you sense a tiny spark that cuts through the numbness and rousts you to ring your T. You need and deserve support. (((JD)))

df, yaku, hemlock ~ thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. I hope that all this takes is a few appointments to warm up.

I don't remember if T was supposed to call me, or if I was supposed to call her... Normally, I'd just call and say hey, I need an appointment and then, until I heard back from her, I'd struggle with occasional boughts of worry she is terminating or something else horrible happened... Every time I pick up the phone, I feel so shut down, that it is hard to find the desire to actually leave the message asking for the appointment... argh! but I'm going to try again. I wish I could get myself to wish that she would call... I must be disconnecting because of how hard the past months has been - maybe it all made me feel really scared to disconnect, and I'm disconnecting even from the fear. I have had breaks with my T before, and usually miss her a bit, struggle with some seperation anxiety, and then feel so glad when she comes back, eager to see her again. Now? I don't... I don't miss her? I am shocked that I could actually sort of feel that way.

~ jane

Hurting really bad tonight. There is a group my T leads that I can go to tomorrow morning... I had forgotten about that. I feel terribly unsure of how that will be for me after such a long break and with al that is going on for me. Maybe it would help to go. How could I forget about that group? I remember he said she would call me before the group Monday morning...

I don't want to see her at all, and yet I wish so much that she would call me back and say everything between us is ok. I feel desperate. I don't know why. I wish she would call... I left two messages yesterday. I'm tempted to text her cell, occasionally wehave done that, but I'm not surethe boundaries on that, and I don't eant to sabatoge things. At the same time, I'm in a really dark spot and struggling with a lot of dark thoughts. I'm sitting in the back of a church, on the floor... I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and is being crushed by pain... and I feel, at the same time no less, more apathetic than I have felt in a long time... maybe more than ever... (I rarely feel apathetic).

jane

(((JD))) Hope you are able to connect with your T soon and receive the reassurance you need.

Thanks hic


my T called just as I was typing a text to her (which I thankfully didn't send!) It was weird to hear her voice on the phone. Turns out, it is different because she is fighting a cold but at least it isn't because of me, like I had somewhat feared We made an appointment for Tuesday. I told her I was reluctant to come to the group tomorrow and she said it would be ok either way. She said he hadn't read over what I had written and sent to her while she was gone, and I asked her not to. I think that surprised her, but she was very willing to hold off on reading what I wrote. I'm not sure why that feels so odd right now. She said we probably have a lot to get caught up on... I wish all I needed to say was, "things are ok, let's go back to processing the trauma and doing EMDR." Ugh. I will probably need some time to tell her all that has happened... I told her I was hurting and yet feeling deeply apathetic in a weird way. She told me to try to connect with people, and that the apathy is probably protecting something and will wear off in time.

She said she missed me. I feel awful about that. I'm such a mess. My life is such a mess. How could she miss that?

I think I'm going to talk to her about this disorganized attachment and detachment stuff that I think is playing out for me somehow right now. I hope she can help.

~ jane

Hey there JD
So glad t called about an appointment, you are probably gonna have a lot to catch up, so please be gentle with yourself while you reconnect with t.

df ~ thanks for the ensouragment. It helps to know that others feel this way, and that your T encouraged you to connect too. shiesh this therapy stuff is so complicated even when it is so "simple."

hic - thanks for the support. yeah, there is a lot to talk about...


update: I went to the group this morning. I was going to be about 5 minutes late, so i called T and let her know. I am hardly ever late, and I think my lateness was just me, hesitating about going. When I got there, no one was there but my T. It is a small group - just 5 people - but still - and she was surprised. Only one person called to sya they couldn;t make it, but said for next week, so my T thinks she told people the wrong date to re-start. (yep, she's human. ) She said we could use the time for just us to talk and catch up, or we could just meet on Tuesday. I took her up on her offer to just have us meet. Longest apointment I have ever had with her. It was ok... I was pretty flat. I wasn't numbed out in a dissociative way, and yet I also wouln't let myself feel much emotionally. My T noticed... I was able to talk, and I said a lot more than I thought I would be able to say. She helped a lot by asking about different things going on... She helped me find some postive things to talk about, to encourage me. We talked a little about the flatness. She said again, that I'm just trying to protect me, and it's ok. We talked a little about disorganized attachment as a kid and probably now and how she thought that was probably a part of what is going on.

I left feeling shakey, but ok. I made it about an hour before my emotional flood gates broke. I just started getting really teary. Over nothing that was happening at the present moment. I was able to go home for lunch. I'm still there, trying to hold back the tears that I'm afraid won't end once they start (even though I know they will, eventually - but I gotta go back to work soon...) I have no idea what I feel teary about... there is a lot to be teary and sad about, but no specific things are coming to mind. I'm just making a sandwich and trying not to cry.

I have no idea how I feel about my T. I think I'm glad she is back. So confusing. She was really steady and accepting and her normal self. She was surprised I picked up on her voice sounding different on her voicemail, as she changed her message at the very begining of her cold. She quickly said something positve about how perceptive and intuative I am... another trauma based learned "skill" I have. Just like the "skill" of becoming unattached...

She said I can still see her tomorrow too. It feels easier to think about going to see her now after this morning, and yet hard, almost overwhelming... I see my eq T tomorrow, and fear I will show up in tears. or numb. I think I need to ask how to "manage the attachment" without running away, taking a break, or numbing out. I'm willing to "risk" showing up in tears (even though there is not really any huge risk in doing so) but I really don't want to be so oddly flat or apathetic or numb... I don't want to hurt like this but I'm more tired of being numb and/or pulling away and not risking. I just don't know quite how to get myself to show up, like all of me. I can walk in the door with either T, but my mind can make me "disappear" without me physically going anywhere. It's not like I want to cry with my Ts either. I just want to be authentic, to be me, whatever that means. Going and being shut down doesn't help... and yeah, my Ts can help me walk through that... but shiesh... sometimes I get so tired of just trying so hard to show up authentically... even if it means a lot of grief showing up too. How the heck do I do this?

I can't quite let myself say I missed my T. I did miss her. Right now though, it all feels weird.

~ jane

((((JANE))))

So glad you saw T and that things feel a little better for you right now. I know it's not supposed to be about the T, but I am glad she missed you and she expressed it. Sometimes these therapy relationships get a little too clinical for me. We are human after all.

xoxo

Liese

Ahhh Jane I am sorry things have been so tough. Your t sounds fab thou so v glad you had a 1-2-1 Monday. How was your Tuesday session? Try not to beat yourself up about being numb or anything. You feel what you feel - and when you are ready it will come. I do
empathise with wishing things could happen faster - it is a slow old process. But I think something wise inside knows the pace to follow, how much we can take at any one moment.

Hugs xx

Hi Jane,
I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now. It's so important to be mindful and I hope you can get there and be in the moment. It sounds like your T is attuned to you. It sounds like you two had a good talk. I have been feeling so good about my T, I wish I could share the peace I have right now. Thanks Jane for being so there for me too. You're awesome and have so much to give. Love, ND