I can tell you a few things from my own experiences in ED programs. First, if you go into the program wanting to make changes and making a commitment to challenging yourself, you will benefit. If you go into the program resenting that you have to be there, you shouldn't be there. It's really only helpful if you actively are trying to make the best of the time you have with that added support. Honestly, having that support is the only reason I started eating again, and it was a necessity back then. It is certainly emotional and draining, but everyone is in those programs for similar reasons and you really find yourself in a caring community. I still have friends from the treatment program I went to - and they are all still actively working toward recovery, making strides none of us would have predicted.

If it is an ED treatment program, it doesn't feel like "hospitalization" and they try to involve the families in most locations. I know parents who were in treatment centers and had so much compassion and support from their teenage children. Even if in a different state, the families were involved.

If you don't want to go, again, it's your choice. But, if you decide to give it a try, the one thing that makes all the difference is the willingness to face your fears head on. Really, if your T thinks inpatient is best, she is probably right. It is not a suggestion made lightly and it is hard for us as clients to see the reality of the situation when in our disordered mindsets.

I hope you are able to get the help that you need. By the way, not a single person started treatment without thinking he/she wasn't ill enough to be in the center, so your thoughts would be more than understood in that setting.

(((Jillian)))

I know it is frightening considering inpatient. I know cause I was there exactly two years ago this time. You are very right, I was at a "safe" weight for my body which was my justification for my ED not being *that* bad. However, I lost a scary amount of weight in a very short time, and kept losing and losing and losing cause the Ed had taken over and hijacked my brain.

In a period of 24 hours, my world flipped. I saw my dietitian and left there annoyed with her. The next day I had a check up with my general doctor, and from there was going straight to my T. Well, turns out my dietitian had talked to my doctor because she was that worried. My doctor didn't say much, just her usual concern. However, she immediately contacted my T, and my T was the last stop. T delivered the message from my dietitian and doctor - that my weight loss was dangerous and my body was in a dangerous spot. T and I wrote a contract out, giving me a week to turn things around or they were sending me inpatient.

Good news? I worked my ass off to meet the requirements of the contract because I SO did not want to go inpatient.

Bad news? I passed out on my first day back at work in January. Like, out cold. Scary shit. I was taken to the hospital, where, thanks to the previous week busting my ass to get my intake to the required level, I'd have been checked in right then and there. Thanks to the successful effort I had put in the week before, and the fact that my treatment team SAW that effort, I was able to stave off inpatient.

Instead, we kicked up my treatment so I was seeing my therapist 3 times a week, my dietitian once a week, and my doctor once every two weeks. The deal was that as long as my labs showed progress, I'd stay out of IP. The moment my labs slipped, I had no choice, IP would be happening.

Sorry this was so long.... I know it probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, either. (((Jillian)))

FMW do you mind me asking, how long were you inpatient? Also were there older people there too? I am 48 years old. A mom of three teenagers. Not your typical ED patient. I keep yelling at myself that I should know better. It doesn't help. My T keeps asking what I would do if this was my daughter.

R2G I was just reading your thread from two years ago. You were successful a to voiding IP? T said they would accomplish in a short time what it would take us months of therapy twice a week to accomplish. Do you think you have adequately healed?

Thanks so much for both your responses. I really don't want to do this for many reasons but having to tell my children would be the top one. I spent tonight helping my youngest study for her math test tomorrow. Who would do that if it was IP. T keeps talking about IP being choosing to put myself on the list and taking care of my needs.

Uggggh - this is too much to think about.

I actually did inpatient for just two weeks then PHP (a full 10 hour day program) for about 3 months. The following year, I was struggling a lot but wanted to stay in school, so I ended up doing an evening intensive outpatient program for four hours four days each week. Without those treatments, I don't think I would have made it to the level of recovery that I have today.

Jillann, there is no typical ED patient. I was 18 and 19, and I was the only one under 22 actually! There were a lot of mothers with children anywhere from grade school to college, and there were grandparents. There were men and women, and even an elderly woman in her late seventies. And yet, we all could relate with and support one another because we all understood the thought processes.

I always blamed myself, saying I should know better. But, I have realized that I did not choose the ED. If I could stop, I would have done anything to stop. But, it took control of me. It sounds like you are in that same situation.

And, your T is right. In fact, do this for your relationship with your daughter. Many parents had family pictures at their meals for support, and, although helping your daughter study is caring, taking care of yourself so that your daughter can see a healthy role model will have even greater impact. I'm sure you've given your daughter the tools to manage in your absence, and many parents took the time to Skype their kids if something came up. ED treatment is a hospital to help you reenter normal life, so most centers would not keep you from engaging with the people who are most important in your life.

It is a lot to process, but it sounds like every thought you are having is one that I had when entering the first program, and that is a sign to me that there is part of you that is seeking an option for health, knowing that this option is worth the consideration.

Jillann, I had one other thought. Have you ever gone on the SomethingFishy website? It is an online forum for eating disorder support. If you log onto that website, you could post the name of the center you are looking at and probably find someone who has actually been there. I did that before going into the program that I went to and it was helpful to have a first-hand account.

quote:

Any support? I don't know what to think. I really don't want to do this. I feel like a child promising to try harder. Please don't ask me to do this hard thing. I will try harder from now on.

I just want to give you the biggest hug

sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do. and the most important.
It's really hard to overcome an ED without intensive support.

I spent many IP's playing the game until I could get out. I wish now I didn't.

It took me having kids and still being very ill to propel me to committing to myself and getting healthy.
Bluntly, I didn't want them seeing me kill myself in such a slow death. I didn't want them to learn that it's ok to neglect themselves and harm themselves.

The last time I was in it was 3ish weeks and a couple of moths day treatment and then seeing my therapist 2-3x wk.

I still struggle occasionally. I def have my bad days but they are outweighed (forgive the pun) by pretty good days.

and btw - the pts ages varied greatly. as young as 13 yrs to over 50.

I'm not sure of the program your T is talking about, obviously, but I was inpatient, voluntarily, due to needing a depression/mood stabilizer med change and having suicidal ideation (and psychiatrist left town after cancelling appt with no other psychiatrist to call) (Lexapro). My stay was 12 days. I do suffer ED(s) relapses with my depression. I'm 40. I'll never forget when my therapist said, "What do your kids think when you don't eat with them?" This was after my inpatient stay....my ED actually got worse inpatient....hate to admit it. It isn't for everyone. They threatened protein drinks because I literally cried as I ate or hardly ate....it is a tough road whether inpatient or out.

I'm thinking about you and sending warm thoughts.

Ninn is correct. If you don't go into the treatment with the full intent to recover from the eating disorder, then it is more harmful than helpful. You do "boost" if you don't complete your meals because weight maintenance and/or restoration is one of the primary objectives in an eating disorder recovery plan. You can't recover if your mind doesn't have the nourishment to think logically. I tried every way to get around that, but it's not avoidable. You can't function the same when you are restricting. That being said, if you really try to make the most of your time there, you can build a toolbox with so many helpful resources to draw from when you struggle to eat. You can learn a lot about yourself and about how to self-regulate at the most difficult of times. You can build a support network and have a framework within which you can restart the eating process - because, when weighed daily, you don't have to worry about getting overweight. That would be against their point, because that would just lead to new issues in your health. So, when you are ready, if you aren't able to fight outside of treatment, treatment can be a really good option. Sometimes we are beyond our own limits and need a little structured push.

I think as long as it is a "program" and not just an inpatient to keep one safe (and drugged) (which is unfortunately what mine was) it sounds really good. And....after losing a bunch I've gained 80 lbs because when I was told to eat and I had no tools, well, I know nothing about being "healthy" emotionally or physically or mentally, so sad. Find a good program, and support group. By the way, after inpatient, I did outpatient while I could afford it....the support group was really good for me. As I type this I see I need more help to get back on track. Hugs to you.

Thanks Ninn, Draggers, Lucy and FMW,

Thank you so much for your stories. It is really helpful to hear positive stories that IP can help and not be a negative thing. It is surprising how many of us struggle with eating and food. Whether on the restricting side or overeating side. It is a tool we use.

If I accept this and do the intake, can I still choose to leave when I want? Can I walk out if I don't want to be there. I am terrified of losing my autonomy. T wants me to think of it like a retreat or class where I can learn alot of skills in a short period of time. I could see that I could learn alot in a short period of time being away from all the stresses of my life. But I can't be away from my stresses for too long. Maybe a week. Possibly two. Couldn't I go during the week and come home on the weekend? Do they do therapy sessions and stuff on the weekends? I would hate to be just sitting there when I could be home with my family. And I have no intention of telling my children about this. I think that is one of my biggest hesitations. I don't want to talk about any of this with them.

The program is at UNC Chapel Hill if anyone is familiar with that. I honestly can't imagine that they would admit me being above IBW. I am approaching IBW but it is the 100 pound loss in 8 months that is freaking T and Pdoc out. That and how poorly I handles Thanksgiving. Sort of makes me worry about sharing with T what is really going on. I do really want to get better. I imagine a day when I can eat like a normal person, where every calorie is not counted, where I eat when I need food and stop when don't, where sweets and treats are not bad but just part of what you eat occasionally, where feelings are just felt and not stuffed and purged to find the calm peace.

Thanks so much for the support everyone. I have a lot to think about.

Jillann

Usually they ask you to sign a commitment to at least discuss your decision to leave before leaving, but it is in your control. If you don't want to attend, no one will force you to stay - if it is an ED treatment program. They have more demand than supply, so they want invested patients.

It is more like a retreat than a hospital. Usually, a day consists of group therapy and individual therapy between meals. So, you will do art therapy, DBT, CBT, ACT, yoga, possibly cooking classes, psychotherapy, family therapy, grief/loss therapy potentially . . . you name it, most programs have it.

Do your kids not know that you have an eating disorder? They sound old enough to know what is going on, and I'm guessing the secrecy is just building shame and guilt rather than healing. Your kids might appreciate the honesty, and they might be open to doing a family session to get a little understanding as to what is happening. It is worth discussing with your T, because secrecy breeds ED thoughts and only severs the connection with your kids.

If you don't want to go on weekends, it sounds like you may want to look into PHP - partial hospitalization - not inpatient. PHP is a full day - from breakfast to a little after dinner, essentially. You go home or to a joint apartment with patients at night and weekends are, at first, shorter than standard days and then optional as you recover. PHP also isn't so much about treating people who are physically ill, so it's less about forced intake and more about psychotherapeutic treatment. It's worth a look.

I can't say I'm familiar with that program, but it's interesting that you're in NC. My sister is in school out there, and a lot of patients here in CO came from NC. By the way, most patients from NC were parents of teenage kids - so you are not alone and you will probably find a lot of support in your area.

Take care,

FMW

Honestly Jillian? If I were to go back and redo things, I'd choose to go inpatient. Here I am, two years later, and still struggling with ED thoughts. Yes, the behaviors are curbed, my weight has been restored and maintained for 14 months now.

But my brain.... I really do think that if given the chance to have a redo of that moment, I'd go IP, even for two weeks. Where I live, the closest IP facility is 2.5 hours away, so it'd be a big commitment and a big deal, and as my family STILL has no clue about my ED, I really would be flying solo. But I'd take 2-4 weeks IP, and then intense out patient (there's an out patient program about 25 minutes from me) over dragging this out as long as I have.

My treatment team still keeps a close eye on me, and the idea of IP came up just yesterday with my dietitian, musing over the same thoughts - would it have been more helpful for me to go IP two years ago? Would that have bungeed my progress to the point where I'd no longer have the ED thoughts? Dunno.....

I just wanted to post an update to this thread. It has been just over a month now and I've thought about this a lot. Every time I've seen T this past month she has directed all our sessions to how important she thinks this is for me to do. I really didn't want to do this. I don't want to leave my family and I don't want to have to explain any of this to my kids.

I saw my GP just before Christmas and had an EKG. My heart rate is very low and my heart is throwing out erratic beats. This information just redoubled T's effort to convince me that I need more help with the eating disorder than she can give me in once or twice a week sessions.

I decided to submit the paperwork last week. I've been accepted into their Partial Hospitalization program. Basically I'll be at the hospital 8-7 m-f. They have a dormitory like place that I can stay at for $30/night. Then I can come home on the weekends. I like this plan better than inpatient but T is still sort of pushing for inpatient. I do agree that the weekends will be hard for me to resist using ED behaviors.

Now I just need to talk with DH about this and get his buy in. He is coming to therapy with me on Tuesday. T is going to help me talk with him about this. I think he will be supportive but it is going to put a lot of responsibility on him while I'm gone. The intake coordinator said to expect to be there from 2-4 weeks. DH has to travel for work the last week of January so I will probably go the first week of February.

Just wanted to update everyone.

Jillann

(((Jillann)))
I'm so sorry for how hard all of this is, my heart really goes out to you I am so proud of you for taking care of yourself to go into the program, and will be thinking of you when you go in for session with DH.

Jillian, I am so sorry for all you are going through. When I read your update, my first thought was, how is your husband going to explain to your kids what happened to you if your erratic and low heart rate does you in. That would be awful! Please don't wait too long to go in. You know this, your kids are going to miss you a lot more if you die. It is nothing to mess with. I hope for nothing but the very best for you.

((JILLANN)) I really respect you for the positive decision you made, you are very strong to do that. Please no how sorry I am for the pain that you are going through. Keep in touch with us.

I'm really glad you are going to do this Jillann - especially in light of your most recent EKG.
This is a big decision and a very brave one.
Please let us know how your session goes with him on Tues - I'll be thinking about you.

AH, Becca, Eme, and Lucy,

Thank you all for the hugs and support. It is so truly appreciated. I will keep you all updated as I go through this process in the next few months. I see my issues as a terrible character flaw and feel that I am a failure. T is trying really hard and hoping that I will be able to reframe my thoughts. We have agreed that for the time being my children will just be told that I'm going to be taking a class at the university. Maybe at some point further on I'll feel better about telling them the whole story.

Thanks so much for all your kindness and support.

Jillann