Hi, shell. Welcome!

I'm sorry you're feeling confused and afraid about opening up with your T. I'm not sure I have anything helpful to say about this issue, but I am dealing with something similar (and not very well, I guess ), so I will describe my own experience and hope that it might shed some light on yours.

I recently had a rupture with my T because she did not provide any reassurance after I disclosed some very sensitive details about my experience with CSA. I was stunned, confused, and hurt, and I experienced an avalanche of negative/insecure thoughts about why T would "withhold" reassurance at a time I desperately needed it.

While I still don't understand it completely, I think my T is/was trying to allow me to completely feel (and express) those insecurities--because they are feelings from my childhood, probably the feelings that I had toward my parents for not protecting/reassuring me. Since I often struggle/refuse to feel and acknowledge my emotions, I think T decided to stand back and let me experience them full force for once. Tough love!

I think you were right and brave to ask for reassurance (I was not brave enough to ask directly--with my T or my parents). I'm not sure what benefit there is for your T to hold back... Could it be that he thinks you have grown enough in the last 6 months that you are ready to risk trusting his support/reassurance implicitly, without guarantees? Do you think a sentence or two of reassurance would make a difference in your confidence in him, or do you already know on some level that he is safe and trustworthy and supportive? Have you been stuck long in this fear of T abandoning you?

I hope some part of this is helpful, shell. If not, please ignore it. I hope some other folks will add their perspective to help you work through this.

RabbitEars

Hi Shell,

Welcome

Is it worth thinking about your fears in the broader context of your relationship with your T ie from everything you have already told him, he hasn't left you and seems to have remained attentive and attuned. Its hard to see and have faith in the genuine care and commitment that a good T can offer.

Nobody can know for sure why your T won't offer this reassurance and I certainly have had (and sill have) fears about my T seeing me differently or thinking worse of me when I disclose something I find to be shameful.

Therapy involves taking enormous amounts of risk and having trust and faith that our T's won't fail us the way other important people have. And I've found over the years that whether they fail or not, both are difficult to endure. If they fail, we feel the original hurt and rejection. If they don't then we have to grieve that while our T hasn't failed, our parents did.

Look forward to getting to know you better

Hi Shell, welcome!!
Hmmm, you and I have a lot in common background-wise -- and I too am in intensive therapy with a T I saw a number of years ago, but it was supportive therapy. It is amazing how much more I need from him in this very painful, revealing kind of work.

I don't know why your T would do that either,but my best guess would be that maybe he feels that you and he have a pretty strong alliance, and he has reassured you that he WILL NOT leave you - maybe he thinks it would be helpful (although quite uncomfortable to put it mildly) to "sit with your feelings" of fear that he'll think less of you, maybe to gain some strength in tolerating painful uncertainty?

(apologize for looong run-on sentence, hope people can understand what I was trying to say.)

Again it's just a guess. I haven't discussed that issue with my T -although I definitely feel it. Sometimes I have to force myself to talk about something that really triggers the fear you are having.

I know that my T sometimes explains later why he chose to deal with something we talked about in a certain way. I know he thinks about the different ways he could respond and chooses the one that he thinks will be the best for me, so maybe yours does that too. He has to know that you really want the reassurance, and I'd bet that he has a reason for not reassuring you. And I'd bet the reason is NOT the one you fear - I'm guessing again - is your fear is that he's thinking "I can't answer because the truth is I might think less of her"?? I really, really don't think that he is thinking that.

It must be very hard to take. Hang in there.

Oh and I don't remember if you said anything to make me assume you are female, please take this as gender-neutral!

Shell, I think you have a very honest T. The reason I say that, is that nobody can be sure, in advance of hearing something, whether hearing it would change their opinion of that person. For all your T knows, what you want to tell him is that you enjoy murdering puppies and kittens. Even though he may hold the intention to regard you in the same way no matter what you tell him, if he's human then he has to acknowledge that some things might cause his view of you to change.

I once had almost the exact same conversation with my T. I told her I was afraid she would judge me for what I was going to tell her. Although she is one of the least judgmental people I know, she wouldn't promise anything. So I told her anyway, and she didn't judge me. But I'm kind of glad she didn't promise. I think it would have diminished my trust in her, because she would have been promising something she couldn't fully guarantee.

If what you're thinking of telling your T has to do with physical or sexual abuse that was inflicted on you though, I think you should not worry about this issue. Nobody in their right mind would look down on someone for things like that.

Thank you so much for your warm welcomes and for your replies. I truly appreciate it.

RabbitEars,

Your reply was definitely helpful! You gave me a lot to think about. I am sorry for your recent rupture with your T. I don't understand withholding reassurance when you feel you need it so desperately! I am sorry you had to experience that also. Like you said, maybe it's tough love?

Thank you for saying I was brave to ask for reassurance. It was very difficult for me to do. I couldn't really look at him when I was asking. And then for him not to reassure me...ughh! Painful!

quote:

Could it be that he thinks you have grown enough in the last 6 months that you are ready to risk trusting his support/reassurance implicitly, without guarantees? Do you think a sentence or two of reassurance would make a difference in your confidence in him, or do you already know on some level that he is safe and trustworthy and supportive? Have you been stuck long in this fear of T abandoning you?

These are great questions, RabbitEars. I have been experiencing my fear of his abandoning me for several months. Your other questions are giving me a lot to think about. Thank you


GreenEyes, Thank you for your reply.

quote:

Is it worth thinking about your fears in the broader context of your relationship with your T ie from everything you have already told him, he hasn't left you and seems to have remained attentive and attuned. Its hard to see and have faith in the genuine care and commitment that a good T can offer.

I am going to try to have faith. You're right, it is so hard for me to have trust. I am going to try, though. Like you said, therapy takes an enormous amount of risk, but I try to believe that my T won't fail me like other important figures in my life have (it is so hard though!!)
I look forward to getting to know you better, too.

peanut,

Thanks for your welcome, and it's nice to hear that we share a common background.
I would truly love to believe in my heart what you said, that my T feels we have a strong alliance and he has a good reason for not reassuring me.

quote:

He has to know that you really want the reassurance, and I'd bet that he has a reason for not reassuring you. And I'd bet the reason is NOT the one you fear - I'm guessing again - is your fear is that he's thinking "I can't answer because the truth is I might think less of her"?? I really, really don't think that he is thinking that.

I hope you are right about this, peanut, because that is my fear. Thank you for your reply, and I am female, so no worries



BLT,

You are right, my T is VERY honest. He definitely tells it like it is, so I guess his not reassuring me makes me believe he could think less of me or change how he feels about me.
Thanks for sharing your experience with your T. I am so glad you did not feel judged by what you talked about with your T. I think you are right about T's having to be careful about promising something they can't deliver. That would definitely diminish the trust.

Hi Shell,
Welcome to the forums. You have already gotten a lot of valuable input but this reminded me of a stage hit with my T so I wanted to reply. My T definitely approaches therapy from an approach of unconditional acceptance and at one time did tell me while there might be some things I did that he approved of and some that he didn't, it wasn't going to change his acceptance of me a a person. But we have also discussed that there were times when he could have said something and I might have believed it, but the fears ran so deep, it would change them. That when I walked into his office in the beginning, he could have said to me "I am trustworthy" but it wouldn't make any difference. That the only way I would really know he was trustworthy was for him to continue to BE trustworthy until I had built up enough experience to believe him. And he knew it was going to take a while as my prior experience was that someone in his position, of caretaker, had proven untrustworthy.

I remember once when we were dealing with anger (really problematic emotion for me for a long time), specifically that I was angry at him. I was struggling to express it but was terrified at what his reaction might be. Now in the past, he had verbally assured me a number of times that all of my feelings were welcome in his office. So I expressed my fear that he might abandon me if I told him how I felt. But instead of the reassurance I expected (and thought I needed ) he literally said to me "there's only one way to find out, isn't there?"

Therapy and healing isn't so much about what we know, as it is about what we experience. All of the verbal reassurance in the world is not going to affect our implicit memory built up from our prior experiences. We have to have enough new experiences, different from the old ones, to truly change what we *know* in our guts. So as terrifying as it is, therapy is often about walking into our fear, to experience that our fear does not come about so that we can learn not to be scared. What we want is to learn not to be scared so that we can speak but its backwards. We think that actions should follow feelings, when really we need to take actions then our feelings will follow.

It sounds like your experience with your T would lead you to believe that you can trust him, but your earlier experience very naturally makes you scared to trust him. This is what makes healing from these injuries so very difficult. You need the "gentle push." Be compassionate about your fears, you have good reason to hold them, but realize they are not applicable in this case, so you need to act anyway.

AG

AG,

Thank you so much for your reply. Your blog has been an inspiration to me, and it is actually how I found this forum. Your blog has been instrumental for me to help me understand all of these confusing feelings that come up during therapy. When I started therapy, I was completely unprepared for the therapeutic relationship and the bond and attachment I would develop for my T. Your blog has provided a great deal of understanding.

Your reply, along with the valuable input in the previous replies, has helped calm my fears a bit. When my T would not give me the reassurance I was seeking, my fears started to spiral out of control. I was (foolishly) starting to feel that I need to find a new therapist because this one is not giving me what I believe I need; I probably cannot trust his commitment to me; I cannot talk to him about a few important issues because if I do, it will destroy our relationship; and I could go on, but I'll stop there. My fears of abandonment and rejection run very deep.

AG, I am starting to feel that this is what my T is doing in a more round about way:

quote:

I expressed my fear that he might abandon me if I told him how I felt. But instead of the reassurance I expected (and thought I needed Smiler) he literally said to me "there's only one way to find out, isn't there?"

And this just scares me to death!

AG, I love this advice:

quote:

Therapy and healing isn't so much about what we know, as it is about what we experience. All of the verbal reassurance in the world is not going to affect our implicit memory built up from our prior experiences. We have to have enough new experiences, different from the old ones, to truly change what we *know* in our guts.

I am going to try to choose to believe that my T wants me to share my difficult issues with him without receiving his reassurance beforehand, so that I will have the new experience of being accepted, not rejected, for sharing very difficult experiences and feelings. I am going to take your advice that my fears are not applicable in this case, so I need to act anyway. (I *think* deep down I know this; I just wish so much I could feel it in my heart).

My T would answer that by saying "that would be part of the therapy and we would work with them". Her feelings that is if they were negative because of something I told her.

Hollow and Melba, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but I truly appreciate your replies.

Hollow, this hit home with me:

quote:

I feel a therapist can end up giving a deeper kind of reassurance by sitting with me where I am, reflecting their understanding of my fears, and calmly accepting it all. It implicitly reassures me that the therapist does not need to run away from my feelings or brush them under the rug by saying my fears are incorrect. When I am feeling uncomfortable it actually means something to me that the T can be comfortable with my discomfort (in a compassionate way), that he can survive it.

I am so happy you shared this, because I definitely feel this from my therapist. He is always calmly accepting of whatever I have told him, which I will now look at as a wonderful type of reassurance (although I would still love to hear the reassuring words from him

Melba, When I get the courage to bring up the issues I am fearful to talk about, I hope my therapist will not have negative feelings about it, but if so, you are right that that should be made part of the therapy.