quote:

Its going to be so hard not to text her!!! I'm thinking of keeping a journal while she is gone where I write to her with the knowledge that I can share these thoughts with her when she returns from her trip, if they still feel important enough for me to share.

I think this is great! I do this during the week, like I'm writing letters to my T with the idea of reading them to her next session, but then I never do. Sometimes I just briefly talk about the feelings that I wrote about, but never needed to read them to her. I don't have text or email or phone calls between weekly sessions and there have been weeks were it was agony waiting to see her again.

I hope the 10 days go well for you!

This doesn't seem like good timing for T1 to be going on vacation, right after you ended with T2! I completely get why you feel you need to take care of your T by not texting though. Sometimes it is hard when we know too much.

I've tried the journaling thing before when I am trying to abstain from texting. Sometimes it helps. But other times what works best for me is finding continual distractions so that I will be less likely to think about it.

Like you, I'm also trying not to text my T right now, but not because my T is on vacation. I don't have a specified amount of time for how long I will keep it up. Right now my plan is just to make it until my next appointment on Monday. Then I'll re-evaluate how strong I am about making a new goal. But at least I will have the option either way. In your case, when T is in the mountains it really won't be your choice. That feels more awful.

Thank you for the encouragement and replies, MH, DF, and Ninn.

Wish I could say more in response, but I'm having a total meltdown about T leaving. I feel like I can't breathe.

(((LG))) I'm sorry about the break you're on. When my T was gone for two weeks at Christmas, I started keeping a detailed journal to avoid invading with my texts. The downside was...I spent several months journaling to that level even after he came back. As DF says, if you need to reach out, it's totally OK and I'm sure that's what your T would want.

LG,

I'm sorry about the break and that it is causing you so much distress. I think if she said it's okay to text and you need to then by all means do it if you think it will help. I also think keeping a journal is a great way to pass the time and have a list of things to discuss when she returns.

LG - sorry to hear all the stuff T1 has been dealing with. As much as it sucks for her to be on vacation, it sounds like she needs one!

I tried something new this past break from my T while she was away (aside from madly posting here daily!) In an effort not to leave her a message every single day (which I wanted to do) I wrote each message out in my journal. Once she got back, I shared the pertinent messages (which was only 2-3 out of 10) and left it at that. I found it pretty helpful!

We're here while you're T-less, and it sounds like she's there for you if you really need her, too!

(((LG)))

(((yaku)))), (((STRM)))), ((((R2G))))

Thank you for the suggestions. I am really gonna try hard to give T1 the vacation she deserves and stop hounding her with texts.

Unfortunately tonight I failed epically at this and texted her that I know I shouldn't be upset that she is leaving, but that I am. I told her that it reminded me of how I felt when I was 5 yrs old and my mother left me at home alone while she went to the store. I knew in advance that she was going to be leaving but it didn't sink in until I saw her her pull out of the driveway. I told T1 that even though I've known for two weeks that she is goign to be gone,it didn't hit me until after I hung up the phone with her this morning....and that I feel like that 5 year old girl running through the house crying, looking in every room for someone...anyone to comfort me, but nobody was there.

I was hesitant to text her that stuff, but I felt soooo much better after sending the texts. But then she wrote back and said,"Your mom really did that? that must have been scary". and I was sort of hurt by her response because I had already told her that story, and only about a month ago. So I texted back, "yeah, I told you this a month ago and then you told me a story about your son and how he felt abandoned by you once and told you, "U not my friend anymore mommy". to which she replied, "Oh, right". I was hurt she had forgotten.

But then she texted me back that she knows how painful this is for me and hurts deep down to my toes and feels like my insides are being ripped out. She said she is sending me a hug and that she cares about that 5 year old and that we really need to be there for her.

It felt really good to get that text from her,but in the back of my mind I felt like she must be thinking, "oh dear god, i can't believe I'malready having to deal with this client and I haven't even left town yet" and I was thinking she was probably like, "I better above and beyond and say some bullshit to comfort her now before it gets out of control. Maybe if I get all sappy and shit that will keep her from texting me throughout my entire trip". so basically I cannot even receive the nice things she said to me.

and I'm still hurt that she didn't remember me telling her about my mom leaving me at home alone when I was 5.

Mixed emotions. wanting to believe she cares. Feeling guilty for bugging her so much. Hating myself for needing her. Loving her kind words. Doubting them at the same time.

oh,it also didn't help that she appeared to be somewhat intoxicated in her texts. (mis-spellings, fragmented sentences, etc. ) So I feel like a major schmuck for bugging her tonight. her girlfriend has been posting awful shit about her for the past two months is finally leaving her. I am just picturing T1 drinking, trying to relax and prepare for her trip that she so deserves, and being hounded by my annoying needing texts. Poor T. She can't get a break.

Major self-loathing....

(((((LG)))))

What awful timing for a vacation. I hope you can see that all those negative thoughts you think T has about you are just projections or transference. It is so clear she cares about you. I hope you can stop beating yourself up for needing some reassurance from her. You got reassurance but you are invalidating it by having all those negative thoughts. Let it in. Let it wash over you. It still sucks that she's going away for 10 days.

(((HUGS)))

Liese

((((Liese)))))

Thank you for encouraging me to receive T1s words as being genuine, for I know that she is a genuine person who truly does care about me.

She sent me a few texts this morning initiated by her and not in response to anything I had said.....she said very comforting, assuring words to let me know that she is thinking about me and cares. I allowed myself to receive those words and not ruin them with doubt.

I am hoping that the week flies by. I have been going through job interviewing process with a company and am going into round 3 of interviews this week. I want to make sure that I am ready to start this job immediately if hired, and that means having my wardrobe in order, having my apartment and car in order, etc. Basically I have lots of little things I need to do so that I'm not having to deal with them while starting a new job. So hopefully that will occupy my mind and time.

9 more days.....

((((LG))))

Great news about the job interview. Good luck getting everything ready. Glad T sent you those wonderful texts.

Liese

LG,

Good luck with the job interview! I hope everything works out for you. I'm glad that your T sent those texts. I hope that the next 9 days pass really quickly!!

((((LG))))

How is round 3 going? 3 days down, 7 to go?

Yeah, I hope you are hanging in there okay LG. Thinking of you.

((((STRM))))),(((((Liese))))), (((((DF))))))


I am hanging in there. I've had a lot going on this week which helped pass the time. I missed T at first, but now I just feel sorta disconnected and distant from her. I don't know if that's good or bad.

We texted throughout the week. Her texts started off warm and supportive....they got more aloof over the course of the week. Eh. I guess that's just the way it goes. At one point she emailed me because she had apparently lost my phone number. She got a new phone and didn't have her contacts saved in the new phone. She was waiting for me to text her so she'd have my number,and normally i text her multiple times a day...but this time I went two days without texting her, so she emailed to make sure I was okay. That was nice of her I guess....but I feel like when she is checking in on me, its out of some sort of sense of duty or obligation rather than out of warmth or caring, and instead of feeling good about it...I feel a bit put off.

(((LG))) I'm sorry you are feeling like your T's care is obligatory right now. I believe she genuinely feels for you, but between her taking care of herself and your need to disconnect in the face of the break, I can understand while it would feel so blah. I hope the remainder of your break passes quickly and reconnecting isn't too hard.

(((((LG)))))

Glad she's back. Hopefully the connection will grow right back and it'll be like she never left. Hope the fact that you were busy means good things have come your way.

Liese

I don't understand what happened, but T1 seems to be giving up on me.


I got really sick due to my ED during her time away on vacation. At first she seemed concerned and caring as usual, but then I dunno....its like she either got scared for my health and is bailing....or she is mad at me for falling to pieces while she was gone. Maybe both.

But in any event....she is being very distant, cold, won't set up an appointment for me. I feel like the carpet has been ripped out from beneath me. I have texted her asking her if she is mad, if she wants to term me,I've asked her what the deal is, things feel weird,is she upset with me, disappointed, tired of working with me,etc.

She just gives me these really short answers, "No, not mad". or "not thinking about termination" yet she won't set up an appointment or offer any words of encouragement. I'm very confused. it isn't like her to not give me some reassurance....so of course the lack of that leads me to think she's terming me , even though she hasn't come out and said so. Her answers seem very short and cryptic. Its not unlike her to give a short answer if shes in a hurry or between sessions, but eventually she gets back to me with a longer,more reassuring text later when she has more time. But this time...shehasn't done that.Its been limited to short,one sentence texts that ignore most of the questions I asked her in my texts.

I just don't understand what happened....one day she was my solid and never gonna abandon me T and the next, its like a switch just shut off. and I didn't even see her during that time. or even text much either. Its like she woke up one day and decided that she didn't like working with me after all,or that I am just too much for her to handle.


Feel like I can't breathe,need my ED to cope, but know that I cannot do those behaviors because the consequences r too risky.

LG - Try to wait it out until you hear more. There could be a number of explanations. She is still very busy. She is trying to think of what she wants to say and doesn't want to say the wrong thing in the mean time. She has something personal going on, but has realized that her recent over-emotional outbursts in therapy aren't a good thing and so has decided not to disclose as much in her life as a result. She is concerned and researching ways she can help you before moving forward. I'm not saying any one of these is the case, but if she says she's not mad and not terminating you, there is nothing you can do but take her at her word. It would be pretty stupid to send a text about not terminating right before intending to terminate. I'm not saying it's never been done, but I doubt she would do something that contradictory. ((((hugs)))) to you. Try to wait it out and be gentle with yourself. We're here with you.

LG,

This is complete speculation, but based on how your T has acted before, I think that her reactions may simply be out of worry for you. I'm not trying to knock your T, but it wouldn't be the first time her care for you has (seemingly) gotten in the way of your care, and it seems like it has gotten in the way of how she works with you again (possibly)...I think it's possible that hearing that you had a rough time with your ED and being sick during her break had a significant effect on her. I just want to add, though, that it's not your fault...you shouldn't have to take care of her.

So, you don't currently have an appointment set up with her? Can you go ahead and call her just to set up a time to talk later? Maybe texting isn't direct enough for her right now.

(((hugs))) Sorry you're going through this. And what I'm saying is total speculation, so feel free to just tell me to shut up.

(((((LG))))

I hope you hear from her soon and get some resolution about it all. The whole situation sounds awful. But I don't think she's giving up on you. Something else is going on for her.

HUGS

Liese

(((Yaku))), ((((liese))))), (((kashley))))

She texted me and said "I am still here. I am still your therapist. I want to talk with you about what you think you need and you think would be most helpful at this point".

so then I texted her back and said "that is exactly what T2 said to me right before she termed me".

She wrote back, "But I am not T2 and am not abandoning you nor terming you".

So I am thinking it is just that I am too much for her to handle. She says she isn't terming me...but what then? What do you call it when I don't have an appointment and she is putting a wall up???

You mean you asked her for an appointment and she wouldn't give you one,, LG, or is it just that you don't know when you will see her again, yet, when she gets back? Sorry I was a bit confused. I think that if she is asking you to talk about your needs to her, than talking about your need to have an appointment scheduled with her would be a great place to start. It' s hard to ask, I know...(((Lg)))

BB

quote:

so then I texted her back and said "that is exactly what T2 said to me right before she termed me".

LG...I'm confused here because I thought you terminated T2. That it was your choice to leave her.

I'm sorry you are facing this rough time and that your ED kicked in while T1 was away. I'm not sure what is going on with T1 but the only thing you can do is sit tight and be patient, although I would ask her why she cannot schedule an appointment for you. I know the waiting is so hard but try to remember your coping skills and do not resort to your ED to get through this time. We need you to stay well.

Thinking ofyou
TN

DF,

The reason the behaviors happened while she was gone had nothing to do with her being gone,and she knows this. What happened was is that in my last session with T2, we briefly discussed my anxiety with going to the grocer store. She make a suggestion that when I go to the store next time, I make a list of all the foods that trigger me and that stress me out about going to the store. She told me to write all of those foods down and commit to buying each and every one of them. She said that if I know in advance that I am going to buy those foods,I won't have to stress about going to the store...I won't have the anxiety. She said I needto give myself persmission to buy and eat those foods.

So that is what I did. And $130 and 5 hours later, I was very sick from having done some ED behaviors. It was not the right exercise for me to be doing at this state in my recovery", says T1, who was pissed that T2 even suggested that.

So anyway, I was okay with T1 being gone. I managed my emotions, etc. I was upset at first but worked through it. The ED stuff was triggered by going to the store and buying all of the foods that I binge on.

SoI don't think T1 is feeling like I used my ED to punish her for being gone, or anthing along those lines, though maybe I'm wrong about that.

quote:

Originally posted by True North:

quote:

so then I texted her back and said "that is exactly what T2 said to me right before she termed me".

LG...I'm confused here because I thought you terminated T2. That it was your choice to leave her.

I'm sorry you are facing this rough time and that your ED kicked in while T1 was away. I'm not sure what is going on with T1 but the only thing you can do is sit tight and be patient, although I would ask her why she cannot schedule an appointment for you. I know the waiting is so hard but try to remember your coping skills and do not resort to your ED to get through this time. We need you to stay well.

Thinking ofyou
TN

TN,

It was my choice to term T2 but it was basically set up in such a way that she pretty much knew I would be choosing T1 over T2. So T1 has said that she thinks T2 wanted to term me,but made it look like I was the one who termed. Does that make sense?

quote:

Originally posted by blackbird:
You mean you asked her for an appointment and she wouldn't give you one,, LG, or is it just that you don't know when you will see her again, yet, when she gets back? Sorry I was a bit confused. I think that if she is asking you to talk about your needs to her, than talking about your need to have an appointment scheduled with her would be a great place to start. It' s hard to ask, I know...(((Lg)))

BB

BB,

I had an appointment schedule for this morning but I had to cancel it because I had a doctor appointment. T1 said no prob, but then didn't sched another appointment (which she usually would do). However, she did just text me and ask if we can talk tomorrow at 3pm. I texted back that I am scared to. I don't know what's worse...having an appointment or no appoitment at all. Right now I'm so confused and feeling terrified.

((((((Group hug))))

just wanted to thank you all for your support and feedback. I don't think I showed my appreciation in my responses to your replies....not really thinking clearly at the moment,but wanted to make sure that you all know that your replies, hugs,and feedback mean the world to me right now.

Glad to hear that at least you have an appointment time scheduled with her, and I hope that it will help you with the anxiety. I hope that things will get on track with your treatment soon, LG...you need all the good support you can get. It is a tough situation you are in. (((((LG)))))fwiw, I kinda had the same situation with my T...he didn't terminate my treatment, but he just kind of faded away and failed tomeet my needs, failed to meet me where I needed to be met, until I finally (after a long time) "got the picture." ouch. Still- I think it is good that you took the power of the decision into your hands. I'm not saying that there aren't some red flags with T1 but neither did I think it was great the way T2 handled things. I hope for your sake she will tighten up her emotional boundaries.

btw- you never sounded unappreciative or anything like it...hugs,

BB

BB,

That was terrible that your T stopped meeting your needs...but good that you recognized it.

Right now I'm feeling like everyone is hyper-concerned about my medical needs, but nobody is looking out for my emotional needs....which is what got me into this mess to begin with. I understand T is scared,but she is making some serious mistakes right now by emotional withholding out of her focus being on my medical issues. She's my therapist. not my doctor. I pay her to focus on my emotions. And she is failing miserably at the moment.

I am not sure yet if i will keep the appointment today. About a month ago,T1 was really tough with me in a session that went miserably and resulted in her crying the next two times we spoke. I honestly cannot handle another harsh convo from her where she tells me I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings (yes, she literally said that in that convo). I sent her a text this morning telling her I'm scared to have the session,that mayb now is not the timeto havethe convo, and that I will try to understand if she isn't able to tend to my emotions,but thatis what I need right now.

oh dear...I'm worried about that too. I'm glad that you told her what you need. Can you remind her that she has asked you to discuss what you need with her, if she says that you are not to talk about your feelings? Or is that too scary?

When I said, about emotional boundaries for your sake, what I meant was that if she is experiencing her own emotions in your sessions, rather than helping you to deal with yours, it may "feel good" to you, very understandably, it may even give you the warm fauzzies to know she cares that much- but then she will of course be telling you to effectively "shut up" at times, because hearing your pain tapping into her own pain- will be too difficult and painful for *her.* She needs to keep herself out of the room so that you can heal. I guess that is what people mean when they say a T needs to be able to focus on your needs. So if you can take power and right at the start of the session tell her that you need today to focus on your emotions, express them, and get them out and that it is not your intention to upset her, but that you need her to be emotionally stronger and a caring other to listen and hear you- I wonder if she will be able to recall her training, put herself and her needs aside- and help you? The way you are feelinga bout all of this is totally legitimate. I would be a total wreck, LG, in your shoes. You are handling it all extremely well, considering what you are dealing with. Now, try not to punish yourself for the sins and failings of others here, and sit with the pain that T is causing you- and if you can, try to tell her all about it rather than just punish yourself and accept it. You do not deserve any of this...nobody does.

Many safe hugs for you,

BB

T1 texted me and asked me to please keep my appt this afternoon. She said that she has so much going on in her life the last two weeks and that perhaps I am mistaking her exhaustion and stress as emotional with-holding. She told me that its not about me, not to take it personally,and that she is not terming my therapy but is very concerned about my medical issues and wants to talk with my doctors.

We are going to discuss it more later today in my session.

Okay, so just had appt with T1...everything is fine. She didn't term me...she said that she was feeling really scared about my health issues but she is not absolutely not terming me. She apologized for seeming distant in text messages and said that it was a combination of being overwhelmed an scared about my health stuff and also being exhausted because of her personal life and the things she has been dealing with. She says she feels at a loss for words sometimes when we are dealing with my medical stuff, and that its a lot to take in, but she emphasized that she doesn't think I'm too much to deal with.

LG,
I'm so glad your appointment with T1 was reassuring and helpful. It sounds like she owned what was going on with her personally and her worry about you without burdening you with it which is great. I'm glad she doesn't think you are too much to deal with and I hope the reassurance helps you with your ED behaviours.

Please take care of yourself because we would miss you here.

Hugs

LG,

I'm glad things worked out and T was able to explain herself. I hope that soon you will be in a place where the medical issues aren't as big of a concern. (((hugs)))

LG so glad things worked out for you today. Can I ask you a question? Is it ok with you that your t gets so emotional and personal with you about her life? Just wondering. I do have an outside friendship with my t. Not really crossing any boundaries but stretching maybe. However, she has never gotten that close and personal with me and has always kept our client/t relationship professional. I was just wondering.

Smiley,

It was okay in some ways that T got so emotional...because it showed me how much she cared. But it was also difficult because I found myself tending to her emotional needs and putting mine aside.

Also, it is difficult because now, when there are times when I feel like because she isn't upset or crying, that must mean she doesn't care as much now. Don't know if that makes sense...but I guess what I'm saying is that once I saw the depth that her caring could go to, I feel like she is shut off when it doesn't go back to that depth.

quote:

Originally posted by incognito:
LG,
I'm so glad your appointment with T1 was reassuring and helpful. It sounds like she owned what was going on with her personally and her worry about you without burdening you with it which is great. I'm glad she doesn't think you are too much to deal with and I hope the reassurance helps you with your ED behaviours.

Please take care of yourself because we would miss you here.

Hugs

(((IG)))

Thank you, IG.

Today she thanked me for working with her, for having gotten back into contact with her after all these years apart. She told me its a pleasure to work with me and that she finds it immensely rewarding. So I am back to feel warm fuzzies with her.

quote:

Originally posted by scaredtoriskmyself:
LG,

I'm glad things worked out and T was able to explain herself. I hope that soon you will be in a place where the medical issues aren't as big of a concern. (((hugs)))

Thanks, STRM. I'm having to go to doctor's appointments every day at this point. Its annoying but I have to accept that this is the consequences of the years of my ED taking a toll on my body. I am hopeful that my body will heal so long as I am able to lay off the ED. I'm feeling very optimistic about it at the moment.

quote:

Originally posted by deepfried:
((LG)) I'm so glad it worked out today.

THank you, DF. ((((((DF))))