(((((((Liese)))))))) I am feeling that way too. I'm so sorry. Awaiting your return, when you are ready!

((((Liese))) I'm sorry you are feeling so crummy and are in a tough place right now. I'm glad you are taking the time needed to take care of you. (I've had to do that myself before.) I'll look forward to when you are ready to come back. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers too.

will miss you,
~ jane

(((Liese))) I understand, you've been going through a lot - be gentle with yourself - talk when you're ready.
Morgs

Liese I hope you can work things out and are feeling better soon. I took a break too when things got too overwhelming with my oldT and the abandonment. I hope the break helps you and you are soon back with us.

Take care,
TN

Take care, Liese. Thinking of you.

xxJ

Thank you for letting us know, allow yourself as much time as you need. Take care,

starfish

Thanks to all you wellwishers. I think I'm getting in touch with my anger, which has long been suppressed and I don't want to push anyone away because of it. I can only imagine that one of the ultimate goals for me would be to get in touch with my anger but this is new for me and I am finding it overwhelming.

I always liked to think of the forum as a community. I come to learn, to get emotional support and to give emotional support. I try my hardest to give emotional support to everyone. I don't always relate to the particular thread but if I can say, hey, I'm thinking of you and praying for you, I try to do it. If I can offer more, I do. The problem now for me is that I don't find the same support reciprocated. There are some people who never post on my threads. And, I'm finding it very hurtful and wondering why I'm spending time here, trying to belong to a community that is only in my mind, I guess? Maybe I made up the community part because I want to be part of a community where everyone supports everyone, if only a little, to the extent that they can? Maybe that's not the way life works, huh? So naive I guess.

And, so, I've decided for now that my hurt and anger over this is much stronger than my need to learn. And, the learning and support I have received so far has been tremendous, and so I do not want to minimize that at all. I'm just overwhelmed by my anger right now and think it's best for me to retreat.

All the best,

Liese

((((Liese)))) Take care of yourself. Anger can be really tough to deal with sometimes.

(((((((((((Liese))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you're feeling angry and hurt. I know feeling ignored by people can really trigger some deep rejection responses in me. I'll still be here for you whenever you come back.

I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt at the moment Liese. For me personally I seem to post on peoples threads in spurts when I am feeling up to doing so and when I feel I can relate. I don't intend to miss out anyone on purpose. I do however know how it feels to feel ignored and rejected and sometimes wonder why certain people don't post on my threads too but I do try and believe that people lend support where and when they can and it isn't a personal thing as each of us has our own struggles.

I think it's great that you are getting in touch with your supressed anger and paying attention to it. If you feel the need to retreat please look after yourself and come back when you are ready.

((((Liese))))

Butterfly

Thanks STRM, Yaku and Butterfly,

I do recognize that the problem is mine. I wish I could be as mature as you Butterfly but unfortunately I'm not there yet. Maybe one day I will accept that not everyone is going to love me.

Liese
I'm so sorry you're feeling unsupported - I understand and have felt that way also and find it incredibly difficult to post at all. I have to tell you like I tell myself, 'it's not personal' - while many of us read the threads and follow people's stories we don't necessarily reach out but do send caring thoughts!! Not good enough perhaps but there are so many who do respond and offer great empathy and helpful insights, I don't feel my 2 cents worth would add any value.

Please be gentle with yourself and also with those of us who would love to reach out but can't manage to do it.

Take care
Morgs

(((((Liese)))))
I know that we all need to do what we need to do to take care of our own needs, but know that you will be missed on the forums.

Hi, Liese- I have no idea if I am someone who has hurt you or not- but just in case I am- I want to say first, sorry, and then, that there are many here whose threads I personally do not/ simply cannot always or every time post on, just as there are so many who cannot/do not always and every time- post on mine. At times I am on, and can, or I just relate- something strikes me just right and I have something to say that I think might help because I've been there- other times, I can't even post on my own threads! - and that is all my stuff, and has nothing to do with anyone else. It has more to do with happening being in the right place at the right time, having the time available- than ignoring/rejecting- truly.

Right now I'm paranoid for example of how this stuff can play out in the individual minds of each member here- yourself included- that you might be hurt that you were the "last man standing" in my latest thread. Maybe not- maybe that doesn't bother you in the least where others it would- but just in case it bothers you- I haven't been on all day, because I have been out of the house all day, and I wasn't able to post yesterday either, I don't think? frankly, I have been pretty dissociated for the past couple days so not sure what has happened on here.

So- I don't say this except to point out, what can happen with people. Very, very likely whatever is hurting has less to do with you, and more to do with the person/persons life, junk, problems- busyness- whatever.

that being said- I relate to the *feelings-* though I know what I say above is true- I often feel very much like you do right now- in spite of the incredible support I get from you and others in this place- sometimes, rational or not- hurt is just hurt, and it just- hurts- no matter what.

I just want you to know that I care- and that I like you and think you are nice. For what it's worth, coming from me. I have no idea myself whether that is important or not- but I hope it helps a bit.

The other thing I want to say is this- when we see people post every day for a long period of time- and then they stop posting for a day or two- or they post and miss our thread- it doesn't mean anything. Just means maybe they got stuff going on in their RL and can't post or respond consistently because of time- no matter how urgent it may seem in Psychcafe world...Idk if that makes sense. I know I worry about "regular posters" when they take a few days off- or don't notice what agony I am in- or whatever- but then I remember that I often have to do that same thing myself, painful though it may be- and I think, "that is must be how T's feel- with lots of clients that they can't always respond to because of time-" or I may not even log on to see stuff that is even kind of "urgent." Nobody has all the time in the world, and that means that some of us get hurt at times...it's a kind of weird existential problem. Not your fault. I hope you can work it out with the person/persons it was!

Oh, Liese- I hope this helps a bit-

hugs, and hugs,

BB

Hi Liese,

I am sorry that you are having these feelings about the community. I hope that I haven't said (or not said) something that has in anyway offended or hurt you. If so, please let me know!

Liese, I have noticed before that you have always been good to post on my threads. I thank you for that. I know I have not equally supported you, or others either. I have received more than I have given back. Please forgive me if that has offended you. I am doing the best I can, and it is not personal. You have given more than many of us can. Its ok to give yourself a break too.

(((((((((Liese)))))))))) I don't have much more to add beyond the love everyone here is sending you right now, but as I was out all evening with friends, I kept wanting to get back here and let everyone know I care and am thinking about them! I hope you can come back at some point and feel the connection that is here and (as the others have said) I hope I haven't done anything to make you feel rejected.

Aw guys, you've all posted support on my threads. Intermittent support is not what I'm talking about. You've all been wonderful. I sometimes don't relate to a topic or I wake up and find out a thread has taken off and is now 8 pages longs and I don't know what to say. I'm talking about people who never post a single word of support on my threads when I post support in theirs. I see that they post support for other people. So how do I process that?

Draggers,

It's probably that I'm too needy and it's a turnoff. Or I am caught in some kind of reenactment. Oh well.

My problem is that even if I resolve this, how could I ever return to the forum because those of you who have been supportive would now worry that I'm upset that you haven't posted enough support and I would just become a big big burden. Now look what I have done!

Anyway, in particular Butterfly, Lg and MH - I have just read all your threads and would like to reply but just can't. Know I feel for you all in your current situations.

Liese

Dear Liese -

I would like to gently request that you don't assume that you are too needy and a turn-off. So many things go on for people when they choose to post or not, and I think someone else has already said this - that decision is about the poster's own circumstances, not about whether you are liked or cared about or not.

For example, for me my choices are about the time and energy I have to post being pretty limited. So my personal internal rule tends to be that I only post a response to people when I really feel like I have something to say. It's not about whether I like someone or whether I want to help them - I like pretty much everyone on here, and want to help them all. But I can't. And the reality is just that there are actually not so many posters and situations these days where I really feel like I have particular comments I that may be helpful, because I understand or relate closely enough to the situation. Often when I do post it's because I'm also thinking through the issues the poster raised. So it's no judgment at all on any situation or person - just simply a matter of particular experience, ways of looking at the world and where I am at in any given moment.

Can I suggest that you take the pressure off yourself to try to respond to everyone? Your comments are lovely, but the point of a community is that no one person has to do the work. And you may be exhausting yourself trying to 'earn' comments from people who aren't playing by the same kind of points system you are. It would be nice to think it's a tit-for-tat thing, that we can just tag each other for responses, but that actually wouldn't be a genuine interaction. And it wouldn't give people the freedom to make choices according to their needs in the moment. Does that make sense? I know it opens up the scary prospect that one might post and no one responds - but that's a risk for all of us. And the lesson for all of us is that even if that happens, it still says nothing about our worth as people. Doesn't even say anything about the value of the post!!

So, your question about how you could return to the forum - that's easy, my dear, you just return to the forum. If you can handle it, just thank people for their support, and let people know that you don't want to 'make' anyone do anything. And then try to trust folks to make sincere decisions about what they feel okay with posting, and try not to make it about whether you're okay as a person or not. Coz Liese - you are okay as a person.

Take care, you. I hope if you do take a break that it's not too long. (((((((((Liese))))))))

Jones

Liese,

It could be completely unintentional on the part of the person or people who haven't replied to your posts.

When I first joined the forum, I was feeling overwhelmed with keeping up with all of the posts and I didn't reply to every single post nor did I even have time to reply to every reply within a thread I created. It was simply that I was very busy at the time, trying to juggle too many balls in the air at once and I couldn't keep up.

Unfortunately, I hurt someone's feelings to the point that they lashed out at me and have since never replied to a single post of mine. I felt badly for stepping on this person's toes and having hurt their feelings, because that is the last thing I want...and I feel that they misinterpreted my lack of reply as having something to do with them personally, when in all reality, that was not the case whatsoever.

So, although it isn't easy, I would encourage you to try not to take it personally if certain people aren't responding to your threads or even your replies within their threads. There are too many possible reasons it could be happening and I would hate to see you take it personally when the likelihood is that it has nothing to do with you, but is simply about them, their lives, and their own issues.

but of course I know it isn't easy to not take things personally.

I hope your break from here isn't long because although I cannot speak for everybody, I light up when I see that you have posted a thread or a reply in a thread. I find you to be very supportive, attentive, encouraging, a good listener, and I always enjoy your posts here.


((((Hugs)))))

LG, Draggers and Jones,

All good points, to be sure. LG, I'm sorry you had that experience. Did the person tell you that they were upset because you didn't respond? Or you just assumed?

Draggers, you are always a sweetheart. Thanks for being there.

Jones, I completely and totally understand what you mean by genuine relationships and building genuine relationships. Having been forced into friendships and relationships because of my mother's own needs since I was basically born, I probably don't know exactly what genuine relationships are or how to get there even. I've been taught to twist and turn myself into something that would please everyone.

But just for the sake of argument, what if I like someone. I am attracted to someone. I guess I notice them before they notice me. I think they are smart. Well-balanced, well reasoned. And, I would like to engage them. And, so I try. And I post on their threads. But they don't post back on mine. And, so at that point, how do I process that? Just say, oh well, I guess this relationship isnt' going anywhere and I don't know why this person isn't posting on my threads but they are not so either I can continue to post on their threads and not expect anything back or if it bothers me that much, I can stop posting on their threads and give up hope at this point that any kind of mutual relationhsip will develop? And, if I choose to do the latter, what feelings will I be left with? Disappointment? Confusion? hurt? anger?

Liese,

I am afraid I am one of the people (possibly the person?) you have been talking about. If so I apologize and want to thank you for your support. I'm in the process of writing you a PM. To answer your question about what to do... I once sent someone a PM to ask if they could read my post and comment on my thread because I valued their input. It is possible that the person doesn't realize that they have missed commenting on your threads for their own reasons (it is hard for me to write because I'm taking it very personally and feel like I'm just making excuses).

Di

Sorry Liese, I think my post may have come across as not being understanding and that was not how I meant it to be so have removed it. I know how it is to feel vulnerable about posting.

I really hope you are able to work through this Liese. I have also found your posts to be extremly encouraging and supportive and I am sorry if you feel you aren't receiving the same in return.

Butterfly

((((Liese))))
I Hope you feel some resolve to these feelings....not fun.
seablue

Incognito, I replied to you via PM so I hope we are good.

Butterfly and Seablue, thanks for your continued support. Butterfly, I'm not sure I start out posting on people's threads hoping they will post on mine. I very often feel badly for what that person is going through and want to offer support. Even if I can't relate, sometimes I try to stretch my brain and try to understand what that person might be feeling. I guess what I am referring to is that after a while, you start to notice that they NEVER post anything on my thread. And, so then, I guess I just have to decide if I'm going to continue to give that person support or not. What is important to me. Am I just being supportive to get support back? Are there those strings that I'm not aware of? Is that why it burns? Am I still trying to get Daddy's love? Am I just some idiot in the corner that no one can relate to, just as IRL? The odd one. The girl up in the tree who didn't like playing barbries with the other girls? Is it just the way it's going to be for me? Most people aren't going to relate to me? I am not going to relate to most people?
And, so I am relegated to some little corner of the world, the fringe, the edge?

Butterfly, I'm not expecting you to answer the questions. Good thing I have my T. I think it's really time for me to take my break.

Thanks for trying guys. I'm just so knuckleheaded about this!! I guess it's the same ole same ole, trying to solve a right brain problem with the left brain: not going to work!

Hi Liese,

So sorry you're feeling the way you are. I have found myself feeling the same way at times. But I have come to realize what others have said to you, so I won't reiterate it all. I just want to say thank you for the support you have given to me, and also that I understand if you need to take a break, as you need to do what is best for you. But please know I care and hope you won't stay gone forever.

MTF

Liese, you ask great questions here and I would really like to respond thoughtfully - but I need a little time to do that. I will come back.

Love,
Jones

Hi Liese,

quote:

Jones, I completely and totally understand what you mean by genuine relationships and building genuine relationships. Having been forced into friendships and relationships because of my mother's own needs since I was basically born, I probably don't know exactly what genuine relationships are or how to get there even. I've been taught to twist and turn myself into something that would please everyone.

But just for the sake of argument, what if I like someone. I am attracted to someone. I guess I notice them before they notice me. I think they are smart. Well-balanced, well reasoned. And, I would like to engage them. And, so I try. And I post on their threads. But they don't post back on mine. And, so at that point, how do I process that? Just say, oh well, I guess this relationship isnt' going anywhere and I don't know why this person isn't posting on my threads but they are not so either I can continue to post on their threads and not expect anything back or if it bothers me that much, I can stop posting on their threads and give up hope at this point that any kind of mutual relationhsip will develop? And, if I choose to do the latter, what feelings will I be left with? Disappointment? Confusion? hurt? anger?

I think in lots of ways your questions here are answers for yourself. I think times when I've been in this situation, of reaching out to someone and finding my emotional bids are not taken up, those do become the options - to keep making bids, or to stop. (MTF has some great stuff from her T on emotional bids in her recent post on her thread - it would be worth reading this.) If I feel myself to be rejected because my bids weren't reciprocated, or I feel like hope is lost, then yes, those are the feelings that tend to come up: hurt, confusion, anger, disappointment.

But here's what I notice about this: I have these feelings much stronger in some situations than others. Sometimes I make emotional bids, there's no response, and I'm okay with it. It might sting a little, but I realise that I don't know why my bid was not reciprocated, and I let it go. When it really hurts.... two things are going on. One is that I may have invested a *whole lot* of hope in the connection. Like - "if only I could be close to this person/this kind of person - it would make my life a lot better. It would prove something good about me." This happens unconsciously for me, but it does happen. And the other thing that makes it really hurt is that when the bid isn't reciprocated, I take it to mean bad things about me. I take it as proof that I'm not worthy of *that* kind of friend, or I'm not clever enough, cool enough, whatever. Even if I have *no idea* why my bid wasn't reciprocated.

These extra interpretations about my self-worth are what makes the feelings really painful. And what I've noticed is that they come up a lot more when the interaction somehow reminds me of my past. The kids at school, or one of my parents.... I'm being triggered, and it takes me a while to sort the past from the present. Sometimes I can't do it at all. But I try to remind myself that I don't *know* that the lack of reciprocation was anything to do with me. It doesn't in fact make me valuable or not valuable. That sense of value has to come from my relationship with myself.

I don't know if that helps, Liese, but it's how it is for me.

You take care - go easy on yourself.

Jones

Jones
You said this

quote:

But I try to remind myself that I don't *know* that the lack of reciprocation was anything to do with me. It doesn't in fact make me valuable or not valuable. That sense of value has to come from my relationship with myself.

and I agree in my head! In my heart, it's not 'known' and is why I can't bring myself to post and I can't possibly keep up with all the threads - I'm not young, work full-time, do not have the cognitive skills that so many of you possess in abundance and cannot put myself out there with trust!!

Liese, I really 'hope' I'm not one of the people to have let you down - it would never be intentional - it would be for the reasons stated above and I apologise sincerely if that is so!

Many would know that I've had difficulties on/with the forum in spite of recognising its huge value to so many, and I hope that you Liese can come back or indeed don't go away and I'll try to do the same, as we seem to be navigating similar issues!!
Sincerely
Morgs

Hi Morgs,

I'm sorry it's so hard!!! ((((((Morgs))))))

Jones

Hello Liese I’ve been reading about how you feel on this thread with a lot of interest (and sympathy and support for you) and finally decided to post something – taking a big risk here but maybe it might help you (and others) to read it.

Being probably dangerously too honest here

When I post a reply on forum and don’t get INSTANT recognition and gratitude for it, I first get angry and then defensive and then drop into the true underlying feeling that what I’ve said isn’t correct, isn’t good enough, is actually pathetic and stupid and then I realize that my main motive for posting is to get recognition for me, more so than the desire to actually help someone else, and that everyone can see that and doesn’t reply precisely because of my bad motive. (Caveat: I do actually want to be supportive and do care, but can’t discount the need for recognition and approval either...)

When I put up a thread about myself, I get all paranoid about the responses (that is, after I’ve resented and threatened to myself to delete my thread because people haven’t INSTANTLY replied to it) - because the replies aren’t telling me what I want to hear (to be honest, most times the replies are brilliant, but since when has reality ever affected my ability to interpret everything in a negative way?)

When I read the caring and loving and supportive responses by others, and see how easily everyone talks about giving and receiving love, I feel like such an outsider - like everyone understands and knows about things that are totally beyond me, because I know I’m incapable of loving or genuinely unselfishly caring about anyone else. I only ever feel warm and loving towards someone if they’ve been warm and loving towards me.

When I read posts, I feel I have to reply immediately, because I know how I feel when I put a post out there - but then I get tired and resentful because others don’t seem to reverse roles with me. I find it almost impossible to come on forum and not reply as supportively as I can to everyone and I don’t see it as self care to just ignore people, I experience it as selfishness. (see BB's thread on PAD about this one). (Note: since coming out of lurkdom I’m not letting myself feel so pressured into replying to every single thread going, and that works both ways, although I still feel guilty as hell for not replying instantly to anyone who has replied to me.)

So ok that’s pretty much uniquely me, but it might resonate with some people, and Liese, specifically your feeling hurt by people in whose threads you post supportively but who don’t respond on your threads – I get that feeling too, resentful that I’ve spent ages writing out what I hope are really supportive and understanding posts and then feel totally negated and dismissed when said people ignore me or don’t show much support back. (Another caveat: this is pre lurkdom and does not in any way relate to anything or anyone since I’ve been back!)

This doesn’t mean that maybe there aren’t times when someone really can be mean spirited and deliberately post in a hurtful way – that did happen once to me (ie reality not my projections) and my reaction was to blacklist that person and totally ignore her subsequent posts (and in case anyone is thinking it is them I am talking about, it is NOT, this is a person who has since left the forum, who managed to publicly upset quite a few other people). However even despite knowing that this particular person was also upsetting others, in fact I came to the realization that she hadn’t posted in order to deliberately hurt or spurn me, but that that was just simply her way...

I have to say that this is all how I felt when I was posting pre-lurkdom and want to put a big caveat in here to say that mostly, the above reactions are fleeting, I stomp around for a while feeling shit and then I go back and reread and think, I’m projecting here, this is my stuff not what people intend. It’s just a matter of giving myself time, and of coming to understand (to a point) both that and how the issue is my reaction, not other people’s intentions or motives.

So I kept posting, precisely because it was so valuable to learn about my reactions to things and bit by bit understand what was really going on. This doesn’t mean I feel any better or more confident or less susceptible to having the same defensive resentful reactions, just that it’s almost as good as therapy going with the stuff that comes up in order to learn more about me and why I react like that. If that makes sense.

The way I see it is there are lots of times I’ve spat the dummy in the dirt, decided I’m not gonna play anymore and take my bat and ball and stomp off home – but in the end I find this place and the people here so amazing and understanding and non-judgemental and supportive that I can’t keep away, and ultimately that’s helped me become a lot clearer about how much of my resentments and hurts and disappointments are actually coming from a damaged place inside me, rather than because of anyone here.

Hm sounds like a bit of a homily, sorry about that. I hope you are doing ok Liese, and seriously considering only having a little break to recharge – I already miss your posts. I read them all while in lurkdom.

Best wishes to you

LL

((((((((((LL))))))))))

It's really wonderful to see you. I've missed you and your terrific candour so much.

Love,
Jones

Lol thanks Jones, I like the word 'candour' sounds heaps better than 'what a nasty piece of work SHE is'.

It's nice to be back - everyone has been so welcoming, just reinforces my point eh? Big hugs to everyone on forum.

LL

Nup, no nastiness there. You just have a talent for bringing EVERYTHING to the light - I deeply appreciate it.

Hi Liese, I read your thread just now. It seems like a lot of people have had good things to say. I've been thinking about my own posting style and realized that I am very much guilty of being a person who isn't consistent in responding to others' posts. I don't mean for it to be a reflection on how I feel about any one, individual person here. I think that everyone here is really, really great. Sometimes, I just don't have time to read all the other threads. Or, I think to come here when I am in distress, and I am just feeling really self-centered and too caught up in my own stuff. Sometimes I just feel so intimidated by how supportive and eloquent other people on here seem to be; I don't feel confident that I can say the right thing, so I shy away from posting. In general, I've been bullied and also really hurt by relationships I've built on the internet before, so I'm probably more detached and less giving to the community here as a way to moderate my own involvement and keep myself safe (not because I think any of you are unsafe by any means, but just because I'm reacting to how I went through the awful things before). I deeply appreciate the support I receive through here, but it takes me time to really become personally involved with others, both on and off the internet. I spend a lot of time here just thinking about myself and posting about myself and worrying about myself. If I don't respond to you, or if I don't reply to a thread, it isn't because of something you've done or because you aren't worth responding to! Not at all. I enjoy your posts a lot. Maybe I just haven't been paying close attention to who I respond to or not, or I'm intimidated by responding, etc. b/c of the reasons/insecurities I listed above. Also, I'm just a generally distractable and extremely disorganized person Anyway, this thread started up a really good dialogue, and I'm glad I found the time to really sit down and read through it today, so thanks for speaking up. Take care.

quote:

((((((((((LL))))))))))

It's really wonderful to see you. I've missed you and your terrific candour so much.

Thank you Jones, you said it perfectly.

LL, thank you for being so open. I just want to say that I have also experienced a lot of the same feelings and along with you have learned a lot about myself. I often read other people's replies and feel like they are so much understanding of the person than mine. But my biggest struggle has been with the affirmation that I can receive here. People respond so very kindly to my posts and actually one of the really important skills I've been able to learn here is to take in hearing good things from people BUT there are times when I really struggle with what my motivation is to post. Do I really want to help people or am I just trying to get my ego stroked? I have wrestled with this for long time and have actually retreated from the forum at times because I didn't want it to become all about me.

I finally wrestled through to the point where I honestly believe that I do post because I care about other people, I am very grateful for the help that I have been given to heal and I want to pass that on. And of course I enjoy it when I get compliments, there's nothing wrong with that, as long as it doesn't become the focus of why I post.

It feels very vulnerable to post this (in my head I am convinced that people will be thinking "I knew it, I knew she was an egotistical, self-centered narcissist") and my respect for you has gone up exponentially as I've typed this LL. But I want you to know that you are not alone in the morass of emotions that can come up. I am glad that you have been able to work through them and can stay and post.

AG

(((( AG ))))

Thank you SO much for your wonderful words (and for being so honest about yourself!) I have to admit to feeling quite physically sick after posting before, and it's infinite thanks to Jones for replying so quickly with her kind words that let me feel not so horribly anxious about it, and your post now really really has helped too.

I want to say again how much I learn from and appreciate your posts here and how good it is of you to share your story (and to stick around to keep sharing) - thankyou. YAY AG

Also want to add in here good for you Firefly for being so honest too - I can testify on oath how REALLY hard it is to do that.

So Liese, how you doing?

LL

Thank you to everyone for their thoughtful replies. I know I am an egocentric, narcissistic ____! LOL!! But what the heck? I'm here to learn about myself and you all and people.

That emotional bid stuff sounds interesting. I'm going to look at the thread. I have such a difficult time knowing even when I am making an emotional bid that it's going to take quite a bit of work for me. But it sounds like it's work worth doing.


I went to see T yesterday and told him that I've been angry to 6 days. Angry at my H, at some lady in my Zumba class, at him, at the forum. He asked if anything happened and I said nothing I can think of. Then I left and realized that I had seen him a week ago and my Thursday appointments were still not straightened out. Some guy has the 1:30 slot but he cancels a lot so they were trying to get in touch with him to see if he'd be willing to go on the float list but T wanted to talk to him in person - which was becoming impossible because he was cancelling a lot.

And, so as of my appointment yesterday, they had placed a call into to him but hadn't heard back. When I left, I had the same thoughts in my head that I had last week. What if the guy says no, he wants to keep his slot? What will I do then? Will I have to find another therapist who can see me twice a week? I felt angry and anxious and powerless about the situation. Boxed in.

Later in the day, T's office called and said the guy had called and agreed to whatever they offered him and the 1:30 on Thursdays was now officially mine!!! I felt the anger and anxiety melt away, well sort of!!

So now I know what has been bothering me for the last week, wanting to move closer to T but being frustrated in my attempts.

However, does that mean the lady at Zumba wasn't rude and my H inconsiderate and my T ___ and the forum ____???

Well, I do think all these things were bothering me at some level although not to the level I thought and maybe I will be able to work them out.

Anyway, I do thank you all for the discourse. It's always enlightening for me to read what others have to say and I appreciate it all very much.

Liese

P.S. And, as always, even though I am not up to posting right now, I am thinking of you all and your struggles and hoping for some relief from your pain.