I haven't been around much, it seems life has been determined to give me a few good smacks in the head lately. Family triggers of epic proportions, we had our property broken into again yesterday (I had a post several weeks ago about H car broken into and stuff stolen) Having it happen again and not be in position to move away from dangerous neighborhood has me in massive meltdown powerless mode. Saw P today and she's got the bedside manner of a prison guard. I could go on and on, but enough about the adventures in stress land.
My point in writing was to let you all know I won't be around as much still for at least a few weeks. T has been very specific with me that she will not be doing any trauma processing for at least 8 weeks because we have to work exclusively on stabilizing me and learning distress tolerance skills. I've been a train wreck physically, just about all the way stopped eating and sleeping, and my body has finally screamed 'ENOUGH!' and I'm paying for it. I have to, have to, have to unplug the triggers and processing and let my nervous system wind down awhile. It's truly had absolutely all it can take.
It's funny, in this whole experience the last few months I've realized something about myself. Even though it's the hardest thing ever for me to trust it, I really do have an internal instinct that keeps me safe. I have some part of me that lets me know when it's time to make a change, I just have to listen to it. The same intuition that said about exT "AH, something's off, this isn't safe anymore. It's time to leave." I realize how many times that little guidance system has led me away from disaster. Now it's telling me "No more thinking. Time to distract until you're calmer. You have to distract your mind long enough for your body to heal, it can't take anymore." I have to listen to it, I have to listen to T, I have to focus only on self care for awhile.
The other part of all this that is going to be super difficult is P today started tapering me off my MAOI. She said I've exhausted any possibility of it being helpful, so I have to wait for it to be all out of my system for about a month until I can start anything else. (you can't have maoi and antidepressant in your system at same time) So going through that process alone is going to be a real adventure. UGHHH
Anyway... just wanted to put that out there in case anyone wondered where I've run off to. My PM is always available if need to reach me and I'm thinking of all of you and appreciate all the help and support
