Hi AG,

We'll miss you. Take good care and I look forward to when you can come back. I'll be thinking of you this summer!

PF

Remember, self-care. It's most important, especially right now. Thinking of you.

AG,

Please take care. Hope to see you again soon.

If where you are going serves cocktails please send for me - even if it's with people from your work. (((AG))) hoping your T break passes quickly. Thinking of you!

Take care, AG. Look forward to seeing you back. xx

take good care!

AG and look after you ...we'll be waiting

Thank you all! Not sure how long this is going to last. Feeling very torn between getting triggered by reading but desperately needing support as I am having a really difficult time (in a way I haven't struggled in a long time) with my T being gone. I'm feeling small and scared and unseen. We have been working through really difficult stuff for the past seven months and it's been a situation where I have had to contain my own feelings and my Ts office was the one place where it was ok to really express my own feelings. Not being able to speak and be heard can feel very triggering because of my childhood but has been manageable because my T has been stellar in supporting me. I trust the connection. I know he cares and he's coming back but right now it feels like I need him and he's not there and it feels scary (while *knowing* I'm ok and in no real danger. Cue shame. Crazy making stuff.) hmmm, not sure this break is taking too well.

AG

(((Draggers)) you really are one of the loveliest people I know. Thank you for being so accepting and for hearing me. Helps more than I can say.

AG, I'm so sorry for your pain. I just came back from a break with T. She was on vacation. It is truly a struggle, especially when processing tough stuff and your T is your completely safe place.

I feel like Draggers. I hate to see you take a break but you have given so much of yourself, and sharing your journey.

We are here for you when it is right for you. If you need to be absent, we understand and that is good self care.

Be well AG. I wish for you some peaceful and quiet times.

Rebuilding Me

((RM)) so glad that you are on the far side of a break and your T is back. It's a great reminder that yes, I will survive this.

And thank you for the support, it helps a lot to know I have people who care.

AG

AG,

Glad you are here.

AG, I am glad you are here asking for support. No one should struggle through a T vacation alone. It's been a long time since I've had to do without a T for more than a week and even that can be difficult at times but I do remember how painful and abandoning it can feel. Yes, intellectually we know that they are coming back but it still evokes a lot of those old feelings of being alone and abandonment. And it does not help if they are doing something fun while gone or spending time with family. It reminds us that we cannot be a part of their entire life.

But you must remember how much you do mean to your T and how much of each other you give during sessions. And I will bet you my last dollar that your T is seeing some wonderful and fascinating things on this trip that will bring you to the front of his mind. And he will think... oh AG would love this or AG would really appreciate this. Remember that statue he saw on his last far away vacation??

No matter where he is you still carry each other in your hearts. The relationship is too powerful and intimate and long-term for it not to happen. I really believe this and I hope it will bring you some comfort.

I'm sorry you are missing him so much and I know how supportive and stabilizing he has been for you over the past difficult months. He will be back soon. And it will be good again. Maybe writing about him will help pass the time and help keep him close.

You can do this and we are here to help.

Hugs
TN

((AG))If you are anything like me I go into shutdown quite quickly during breaks, as a way to cope, and tell myself that I do not need any help from anybody - and certainly don't need a T for sure What I realise now are these are the times that no matter how much I kid myself, I do indeed need support. AG you may be different from me, but what you wrote struck a chord and all I would say is if you can hang around, even just to peep out occasionally it would be lovely to see you and offer any help we can.

fishy

Same as Fishy says. I want to go into the "white zone" - what I call my xtreme shut down phase and in there it doesn't hurt so much, i forget my T and everything is numb and foggy and not happening. No on can hurt me and my brain doesn't think.

Then I have to come out and get help at times.

Hey (((AG)))

Hope today is a better day; I hope the next wee bit flies by; I hope you can find some relief and some comfort and it's really good you're reaching out for support. You're much loved around here - you don't need to try to do this alone

(((GG))) Thanks, I'm glad I'm here too! I really appreciate everyone's encouragement to seek out support. I tend to have a tougher time being on the receiving end.

Thanks Pengs, a hug or two will do nicely. It helps knowing there are people who get this, you know?

TN,
Thank you for the reminder of everything I have with my T. This has been a bit weird in that I am not questioning the connection. I know the relationship is solid and can even feel that. I just think that I have been depending on him so much to get through a difficult time recently, that I feel a bit scared and bereft to have him gone. And you're absolutely right, it evokes those old feelings of abandonment. But I keep reminding myself that 1) He has not abandoned me and 2) although it can feel like it, I am not dependent on him the way I was on my parents. But I do find myself having to repeat that more often...

And thank you for the reminder of the statue, he'd better come back with another good story!

Thanks for being there and reminding me it's ok to need help.

((Fishy)) You know me so well for never having met me in "real" life. I am trying to shut down but I find the further I get in therapy, the worse I get at actually doing that. But feeling needy brings up such incredible amounts of shame that I do pull in. So everyone telling me that it would be lovely to see me provides me a way to push back on the shame. Thank you.

((SD))I know exactly what you mean about the white zone, but I don't seem to be able to do it, but I remember my T telling me once that not being able to just shut down and go away is frustrating to say the least, but he knows it's a better way. It's the coming out and getting help that gets so problematic isn't it? Thanks SD, I know you're fighting your own battle right now so appreciate the support even more.

((Eliza)) Thank you for the support and as I mentioned above, I so appreciate the encouragement that I don't have to go it alone.

Thanks to everybody. Really. I so appreciate all the support.

umm, I guess I should declare the shortest lived break in history officially over.

AG

Just needed to say this: You can come back now

10 more days to go, and I just want to pick up my toys and go home and not play this game anymore! WAAHH!!! Yes, I feel like a three year old and not a very mature one.

I love and miss my T terribly and I hate him!

Thanks just needed to get that off my chest.

AG

(((AG))) getting the countdown into single figures is a huge milestone .... that day will come tomorrow

Good point Fishy!! Thank you.

(((AG)))

Fishy has a great point, and the other amazing thing-- you're reaching out and asking for support. That in and of itself is pretty freakin' phenomenal.

I think so many of us here empathize with so much of what you have written. I hope it helps to know that not only are you NOT alone, but you are also growing even in the midst of these diapered-butt tantrums.

(I have to admit that is one of most favorite phrases. Ever. )

Do something good for yourself.

(That goes for anyone here who's digging deep... I know it's easier said than done.)

PWW,
Glad you liked the line about the diaper. If I'm honest, that was just the picture I got in my mind, when I stopped and just admitted what I was feeling.

Thank you for the empathy, it really does help to feel so foolish and shameful and have people meet me with understanding and compassion.

And thank you for noticing I reached out. It really is difficult for me to do but I am very glad that I am developing the skill.

And I did do something good. My husband and I went to see "Wizard of Oz" on the large screen as part of a Summer Classic Movie series in a local theatre. We both have a lot of memories of the movie and had a great time. Between that and the support here and on my blog, I really am feeling a lot better. Single digits tomorrow!

Thanks again.

AG