Hi,

I'm new here and I'm so confused. I've been in therapy for 10 months and for the most part it has been really powerful but lately it has been so difficult. It's hard to summarize all the things that have happened but I guess I could explain that I've been in therapy to work on issues of healing from abuse that happened when I was a child and trying to sort out my feelings about my very dysfunctional family.

My relationship with my T has been really strong up until the last few weeks. I learned from reading stuff here that I had definitely attached to her as a mother figure and she really gets that and nurtures it. I have been feeling like she really understands me and I love having her support and kindness to count on. The last few weeks I've been feeling distant from her and so angry. There's no real reason for it.

Since starting therapy my feelings just keep getting huger and huger to the point where it scares me so much. I can call my T and email if I need her, and sometimes I do that, but I often feel really bad afterwards like I'm asking too much or taking too much time. I think the huge feelings are mostly from when I was young. But it's got to the point now that most of my feelings are about my relationship with my T, rather than my past. I understand that what's happening is the stuff from my past is playing out in my relationship with my T, but it's driving me crazy that I'm always either longing for my T, curious about my T's "real life", internet stalking her, or completely pissed off at her for no apparent reason. She's cool with talking about all this stuff but I feel dumb and can't admit some of it. And instead of working through this stuff it seems to just be getting stronger and scarier.

The other problem is I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that I'm exhausted. For the past few months I've been constantly trying to deal with one after another crisis that comes up. At first I was really gung ho and optimistic and determined to feel the feelings and work through it all, but after several months of hurting so much I am feeling like I can't take it any more.

I want to quit therapy or at least take a break. But I am not sure if that's a smart idea. I've worked so hard to get where I am (i.e. to be able to feel anything at all) that I am scared it'll be for nothing if I give up now. The other problem is that lately I've been so angry with my T for no reason and I can't figure out if that is part of the reason I want to quit instead of trying to face the anger. My biggest fear is that if I quit I'll feel so alone I'll do something scary like start self harming again or get really depressed which has happened before. The attachment to her is so strong sometimes and it hits me when I least expect it, so even though I think I'd be fine if I quit, I know it's possible I'll freak out again if I know I won't be able to see her any more. That scares me.

Has anybody taken a break when things were feeling too hard? Did it help? Did anybody quit altogether because it was too much?

Thanks for reading this. I'd appreciate your help.

orbit