Hi lovelies,
I'm finding myself rather triggered by some past stuff that has been stirred up and need to, for my own self-care, take a break from the OF. I am still available by PM, and please don't hesitate to contact me, as I like hearing from all of you. I just have a really hard time with witnessing conflict between other people.
I hesitate to explain, but I want to make it 100% clear that this is MY stuff and not anyone else's fault or responsibility. To oversimplify things, most of my teenage abuse was the result of me being unavoidably in the middle of conflicts between other family members (mom and oldest sister, mom and step-dad, mom and boyfriend, both older sisters, etc.). I somehow became responsible for containing these conflicts (and still am the person within the family that everyone goes to for that function) and anything less than a perfect reaction to both parties put me in harm's way of aggression, emotional abuse and extreme neglect (i.e. losing food, home, etc.). Well, that was a long-story-medium, I guess. Anyway, like I said, I just wanted it to be perfectly clear that this is MY stuff that got triggered and I am sorting through.
I am just feeling like my attempt to "if it is possible, as far as it depends on [me], live at peace with everyone," has once again gone badly awry and caused more conflict, which makes me feel a bit cancerous to this place. I feel responsible, bad, at fault, disgusted with myself. These are all past feelings and I know that intellectually, but they're going to keep assaulting if I don't address them. I'm sorry if I have hurt or offended anyone. It wasn't my intention. Perhaps I need to take the advice of a different Paul and learn to "let it be."
Anyway, I hope this break isn't coming across as some sort of underhanded protest or anything of the sort. I want to be explicit, because I'm afraid of things being read into it that aren't intended. It really is just about me not knowing how to post without triggering myself right now. I'm at a really sensitive time, with Boo starting preschool, H about to take a trip to the UK, some heavy stuff coming up in therapy, so I can't afford to not take care of myself. As I said, I'm available via PM. I may read here and there to keep up on how you are all doing, because I care about you all!
((((hugs)))) and love.
-Yaku
Original Post
...after just two days. I think knowing that particular conflict is not still going has settled things a bunch too. So, I'll be here however much feels safe and not too activating for now. ((((hugs)))) to you all and thanks for the support and understanding of me taking care of myself. It's incredibly hard for me to make that a priority, so your encouragement means a lot!