"Taking Care" of your therapist

ljbMember

I understand, and have been told, over and over by my current T, that's it's not my job to take care of him. However, I have past experiences with two T's that have presented problems--that of health problems-- and I can't help but project my atunement for care upon my current therapist, even though we are the same age and he is, from what I can see and feel, completely healthy.

My first therapist had already had a heart transplant before I met him. He smoked like a chimney during our sessions (this was obviously before the smoking ban came to light)...he was on the transplant list for another heart; however, they found his 50 year old body was already riddled with cancer, so basically he went home to die. We did have one final session, but all he wanted to talk about was finding me a new therapist. All I wanted to do was talk about him and what he was going to do.

My second T was also older, in his 60's and I worked with him for about 20 years. We were both set for him to retire. He had me interview a series of T's to replace him. We got to sit down and discuss them, then we settled on one we thought would be a good fit. But, three months before his retirement, he had a stroke and never returned to the office.

I "knew" something was wrong with both of them...I could sense it. When my first T told me he went back to his old home where his wife and he lived (which was a town I worked in--BTW, his wife died years ago) I knew something was wrong. He was visiting that place for a reason, I remember telling myself. My second T, believe it or not, fell asleep during my exposure sesson...One time I came to the door and knocked and knocked and nobody answered, so I went and got another associate working there and they banged on the door. I thought he was dead in there. He came to the door and he, again, was sleeping and didn't hear me knocking. I knew something was seriously wrong.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that sometimes I can't get past thinking about the thoughts and feelings of my T's. I think I just "sense" something. My current T will say, "There you go, trying to take care of me again. Therapists are supposed to take care of you." Sometimes I don't feel like I can do it right--so afraid of saying the wrong thing, wondering if I'm too much of a burden for them; Hell, I even wondered if I caused their illnesses. Intellectually, I know I didn't. Emotionally, I wonder if I did.

Just wondered if anyone else has this sixth sense during sessions and feels the obligation to help them. I have found out that I am one of those Highly Sensitive People in the world with PTSD from a college experience. I don't know...just thought I would throw this out to everyone and see if anyone could relate. Please let me know. Thanks.
LJB

3/19/1410:41 AM

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catalystMember

I'm so sorry to hear about your prior Ts.

I do have the same sort of issue. My T said it's rare (for her to encounter anyhow)... That the majority of people have no problem concentrating on themselves.

I get a gut sense with a lot of people to the point at times of knowing they need to go to the restroom.

I do not attend to my T (or attempt to as much - she will put up the wall sometimes.. You can feel it) but I will ask her "Are you alright?" or other things more specific like "what's wrong with your eyes?" Of she has allergies. There is a medication she has timed to take during one of my sessions and I used to stop or ask if she was going to or in pause when she does it. If she's tired I'll know, and she'll say if I ask. It's not that I can do anything about it... I just feel it so I have to ask - it helps me figure out what is me versus what is out there.

She does things from drinks to adjustments very slowly and as covertly as possible. Again she says most people don't notice/care... So I can imagine it may be extra awkward for her since I'm an extremely precise observer.

I think it's normal for sensitive, empathic, and otherwise hyper vigilant folks. I can very much relate... When I love others I am especially attentive and in the past it's come a lot from a place of codependency (the person around me is not okay; therefore I am not okay). It's changed a lot but doesn't really ever go away, if you can feel things from others it's hard to turn it off.

3/19/1411:00 AM

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sapphire-blueMember

Yeah - it's part of hypervigilance I think. It's not like you can turn that vigilance (or 6th sense) off... makes it difficult doesn't it?

I took care of my previous T. She didnt notice!!!!

3/19/1411:09 AM

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redtomatoMember

Hi LJB and welcome to the forum.

One of my previous Ts had Parkinson's. In the beginning, she was pretty well controlled on medication, but there would be times when it was apparent that she needed a med adjustment. Sometimes she'd comment on it - like if she was having trouble writing notes. Because she was up-front about having Parkinson's, I didn't shy away from it and would sometimes ask how she was doing, and she'd generally give me a brief answer.

I saw her for a total of six years, and as time went on, her ability to walk got slower and slower and she periodically expressed frustration about that. Sometimes she would ask me to carry things for her or to get her a class of water which, of course, I was happy to do. About three months before she retired, I was waiting for her in the waiting room and she was quite late. I knocked on her door and there was no response and I didn't think she was in there. I was still waiting when she called and she said she was down in the parking lot and would I come down to help her. She could barely move but did make it to the building, up the elevator and to her office. Frankly, it freaked me out to see her so debilitated and to have her need me.

When I interviewed my next T, one of the topics I inquired about was her age and health and how much longer she expected to be in practice. (She was 59.) Another T I interviewed I decided not to see, because she was in her early 70's and I didn't want to deal with likely endings. I do have some concerns about my current T based on her difficulty climbing stairs - and her office is upstairs. I haven't said anything about it to her, but I probably will at some point, simply because it is an anxiety I have that exists in the therapy room, therapy hour, therapy relationship.

I understand your concerns about the well-being of your T. I wonder, though, if it would be more helpful to talk about the roots of your fears rather than trying to dismiss them. Abandonment fears/trauma? Do you feel you need to be care-taking in order to maintain your own security and is this connected to a FOO issue? Has illness impacted you in other ways in your life? There are lots of things it could be connected to in addition to your experience with previous Ts. My guess is that you won't find relief from your anxiety until you work through the underlying fears.

Best,
Red Tomato

3/19/1411:24 AM

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armoredheartMember

LJB

That all sounds incredibly difficult, I am also sorry you've had these experiences with your T's. It really is interesting for me to read that others feel that 'sixth sense', I've only recently discussed with T and realized that is a thing! She said it is very common for PTSD survivors to have that sense of knowing others needs and a hyper vigilant awareness of other people.

I struggle with wanting to 'take care' of my T's because I had a massive role reversal in childhood and it's fitting for me to feel obligated to be responsible for others, it was how I gained safety in my relationship with my parents and had worth to them.

It is really hard to turn that off...

3/19/1412:11 PM

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ljbMember

Catalyst, Sapphire-Blue, Red Tomato, Armored Heart...thank you for your replies. It really means alot to hear your remarks. I guess I've always been like this, like it's a part of my personality. My trauma stemmed from a college experience...I had a decent childhood growing up. Now I'm trying to process the trauma through my T with EMDR. It is a very slow process. I really thought it would be faster and easier than "exposure therapy", but after having a couple years of it, I'm not so sure now. I do think I have always had trouble in regard to now wanting to be the center of attention. And, of course, I absolutely HATE talking about that time in my past, so going back and revisiting it is unbearable. My T always says, "Avoidance is the hallmark of trauma." Boy, do I believe that now. But, I'll trust my T and continue with the EMDR to get rid of the flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety...when I can finally step back into my life.

3/19/143:11 PM

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athenacusMember

LJB-I'm sorry to hear of your previous therapists. That sounds difficult.

LJB I can relate in some ways. I am a highly sensitive person and have some PTSD type things going on as well (not officially diagnosed though). I tried to take care of my previous T once in awhile too. I would notice when she was "off" or something was not right in her world. Also, she would admit to having issues with family members or her pain issues and would let me know. Sometimes it felt like sessions were about her though and I let her go on because I felt that she needed me to listen to her more than I needed her to listen to me at that moment. I think that has been the case for the majority of my life though, so I'm used to it. I remember specifically in one session former T let me know that she was fine and that I didn't need to worry. I had run into her at a bar the previous week and we were both having bad evenings. During the run in she talked about her poor night and why she ended up at a bar and I told her I would wait until next session to talk at length about mine. We hugged and I asked her if she needed a ride home (she was on at least beer 2 or 3). She declined, of course, and said she would walk if she had to. I figured I was not as tipsy as she was because I only had a beer earlier on in the evening and I had been listening to other people's problems for at least an hour.

With my current T, who is just coming back from surgery leave, I feel like I need to make sure she is ok too. I was just thinking about this today. Before her surgery I gave her a get well card. Tomorrow I'm going to call for my appointment for a few weeks from now. I keep hoping and praying that she is ok. I really need her, miss her, and therapy sessions!

I wonder if I should bring this up in therapy about my sensitivity and caring for therapists and such. hmmmm....some stuff to explore....

3/20/147:39 PM

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ljbMember

Ath--I think that is a good idea to talk openly about it. It is a part of your individual personality. My therapists never took time during my session to dwell on their ailments. They would always say that it was my session, not theirs. Anyway, it's a hard thing to get a hold on. Good Luck in the future with your T and this issue!

3/24/146:53 PM

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masimoMember

Gee, I have PTSD, am hypervigilant, and think I am fairly intuitive and I didn't have a clue that my T mother had died. She lived out of state. He must have taken a fews days off at the time but I dont remember that. He never let on. I told him when I found out about 6 months later, that I wish he could have told me, but he said he decided to not let his patients know. I respect that, but I wish he could have felt comfortable letting me know.
He could have used a hug I'm sure.

4/4/1411:34 AM

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annaMember

LJB ..

I know straight away when I meet my T, if he is there 100% or not. So I would say I know what you mean.

4/4/1412:57 PM

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