I finally brought up the issue of touch with T. He had already announced a "no hugs, no hand holding" policy. Touch wasn't even on my mind when he announced he policy and so from my point of view, it was out of the blue. And, so when he said it, I felt as though he must have said it in response to some desperate signal I was giving out that I was unaware of. Like, I must stave off this desperate girl because she's reeking neediness from every pore of her body and it's absolutely repulsive.

The whole touch thing has become such an issue for me because I feel like it's tied to my crying and my not being able to cry with T. This pain I feel just feels so primal, that's the only way I can describe it. And sometimes I shake when I cry. It's a whole body experience. I think like AG mentioned on another thread, it feels like I want to curl in a ball or kind of sit Indian style with my head in my knees. And, I'm just so uptight that I can't let go like that. I'm losing hope that I'll ever be able to cry in T's presence.

When I experienced my trauma, I cried every night for a year by myself. And so, sometimes I think that if I cry with T and he doesn't touch me in some way or form, that it will feel very isolating for me and may even retraumatize me to some extent.

So, I've been feeling a big need to talk about it with him but have been really scared to do so since his spontaneous boundary marking many months ago.

Today I got a little brave and brought it up this way. I told him that it's torture for me to be so near my H but not be able to reach out to him for physical comfort from him. (Things between H and I are strained.) And that I so need that but don't exactly have a mother who can stroke my hair. He jumped right on it and asked me what I can do, like can I cuddle with the kids? And, I said yes, that I try to be affectionate with the kids. But what I didn't tell him is that being affectionate with the kids isn't really what I need. I just really want someone to hold me steady when I shake. It doesn't even have to be a hug. Well, of course, I really want T to hold me steady in some way. I also told him that I think the fact that I don't have anyone who can do that for me now is made more painful by the fact that I didn't have anyone back then either.

Even when I try to imagine him holding me, it all seems so awkward and I'm wondering how comfortable I would really be with it if he ever did agree to say, even sit next to me. Sometimes I just want to lie on my side on his floor and have him sit near my head and I just want to cry and have him stroke my hair and tell my funny stories. Is that unusual? I guess it kind of reminds me of what a parent might do for a child, right? Comfort them, connect with their pain and then try to make them laugh.

T was smiling at the end of our session and I asked him why he was smiling. And he said, because I feel connected to you. And I asked him was it easy for him to connect? I meant it in a kind of general sense, like with everyone, not really talking about me. And he said something about all we've been through together. It was a nice moment. He could have given up on me trusting him a long time ago. It's taken us a long time to get to this point of trust. But he never gave up. And because he didn't give up, I didn't either. There were times when we knew something was working right but it was okay. We didn't know the answer then but we would figure it out. Gosh, what could be better than having someone stand by you like that? I should be satisfied with that but oh, this pain.

And even though I understand intellectually the "no touch" rule in therapy, it still makes me feel repulsive. Maybe I should talk to him about that? It's so hard to talk about but at least the door is open now, right?