I told her I worry sometimes something really bad will happen to her. She asked if that meant I was worried our therapy would terminate suddenly (i.e. tied into my fear of her rejecting me). So I said "No, I get afraid you will die suddenly . I know its a tricky one because you CAN'T promise you won't."

I talked to her about the other sudden deaths I've experienced in my life.

Obviously, walking into the room as my mother was having a fatal heart attack when I was 10 years old, did not leave me with high expectations no one else could die on me suddenly.

my 2 remaining grandparents die the same far my mother did - although they were old and both had cancer.

Then when I was 18 and in the psych system, my very first psychiatrist died suddenly. I had been seeing him for 3 weeks. One week he would not put me on anti-depressants, and the next week he killed himself.

In the next few years I had other friends or friends' boyfriend's take their lives (suicide in all cases) unexpectedly. One guy I lived with when he did it and I helped clean out his room.

Another guy from the therapy group I was attending.

Two close friends had their boyfriends do the same thing

A very close friend, who I believe I was in love with, and cared for her very very deeply. She did it too (while on leave from the psych unit).

I haven't lost anyone in a car accident. But it doesn't stop me worrying it will happen to someone I love or care about.

I told my T, after my mother died, I spent the next 10-15 years routinely rehearsing 'what if' so that i would never ever EVER be as completely shocked and horrified as i was when I asked how my mother was and was told "she's dead". Even though i had SEEN her heart attack, and that the ambulance came to our house, I honestly NEVER EVER considered for half a second it wasn't something the ambulance men couldn't fix. I didn't even think she would have to go to the hospital, so being told she was DEAD was incredibly shocking beyond words.

With my T I told her some of my fears - i.e., she will be killed in a car accident and I will find out on the news. Names of people killed are not released straight away, but once immediate next of kin know, their names are released. I live in a small enough country (under 5 million people) that EVERY SINGLE car accident that causes serious injury or death is reported - it makes breaking news nationwide.

then there is the issues of the severe earthquakes my city has had over the past 4 years. the second large one did kill nearly 200 people - and it is what triggered off my PTSD and childhood trauma, after years and years of it not being an issue at all. it took 2 years for the ground to stop having large quakes on a weekly basis. we still get aftershocks once every 4-8 weeks. The risk is there is still a 20% chance we will get another large, potentially fatal one, in the next year.

My T tried to help - and I sort of hope we do talk about it some more … although I'm not sure if it will make me more worried or less - she tried to remind me that she isn't unique - that there are plenty of other people out there who have the skills and can hear me and validate me; who can help me heal… I was being very honest when i said 'not so far'

she said she hoped that if that happened, Id be able to carry on with the very good work her and I started together

talking about it made it more real in a way - so i don't know if its helpful to explore it more or not???

the other things is - is it wrong to tell her those things? one part of me feels awful about it cos there isn't anything she can do to prevent it happening; and wouldn't it put too much 'pressure' on her, if she knew that if she dies on me, i will be devastated beyond belief?

I feel i am in a stage in therapy where a sudden abandonment form her would be more devastating than it would have been before; how initially it was my huge fear of her rejecting me, or abandoning me by 'not wanting to work with me anymore as I'm too complex' but now i feel I'm moved more comfortably into being able to TRSUT she wont do that, the fear of her suddenly dying is taking over

FAr into the future, as i do more work with her, i CAN see i might be able to get to a place where if something happened to her, id be devastated, BUt i could deal with it, however long it would take. But right THIS moment, that fear is very large and very real.

I try to tell myself 'the universe isn't that cruel; you've had your pain and severe sudden loss, this time the universe will keep her safe so you can heal finally' - but i don't believe it, because it has not been my experience. in fact, i believe the opposite - its more likely to happen now because she is so important to me.


has anyone else had these same fears and if so, how have you worked through them? is talking about it with your T helpful or did it make it worse?