I wanted to share something with you all about love in therapy. Because this topic has been in the front of my mind lately and because I wanted to write my T a special Christmas letter, I decided to go back and re-read my journal for 2012. What I found surprised me because I sort of forgot the conversation we had in March about love.

I'm going to copy what my T said here. I was worried and nervous about telling him how I feel about him but I think I found my own answer about how he would react to my Christmas letter in my journal.

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He said that when you work closely and for a long time with someone, when they allow you into their lives and share so much of themselves with you and you are there to support and take care of them in this intimate relationship then love will happen if you are doing it right. So I said, you mean like an agape love and he said, love is love, he does not classify it. So I said how would you feel? and he said that he believes if someone comes to love you through therapy it's the greatest gift ever. It's a very precious gift they give you and he welcomes it. He said that this is why you do this work. This means everything... oh the money is okay, that's fine but THIS means so much more and it's what keeps you doing this work. That was really profound to hear from him. I know he has previously talked about some of this with me but maybe I just needed to hear it again. He was then interested in the various kinds of love, as described by the Greeks and so I told him about the ones I could remember and he asked me to bring something in about it so we can discuss it!

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And then a few weeks later we had the following conversation about attachment:

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As part of my session yesterday I spoke with my T about attachment and dependency for a few minutes. I told him how so many struggle with this including Ts and how many were afraid of the client becoming dependent and how they talk about the client needing to become independent or unattaching themselves or detaching themselves from the T.

What my T said is his opinion and his way of working and thinking on this issue. I'm not saying it's perfect but it's working for us. He said that he hopes I NEVER detach from him. I had asked him if there is a certain point where I should be able to detach and stop needing him. He said it's not about unattaching or detaching and he has no timetable for this. He said we are on MY timetable and that when I'm more secure I will need him less (maybe need to see him less often) but that we will be attached forever.

He said the closest comparison is the parent-child relationship and how the child needs to be dependent until he doesn't. He will eventually, through his developmental stages, become more and more able to care for himself and will need the parent to do less for him... BUT that does not mean the attachment part ends. They are still attached.

Then he talked about how when the child grows and goes off to college they will still come home to see mom and dad but... he said to notice that Freshman come home for every break and feel homesick. By the time they are juniors or seniors they don’t' come home so much on break they will call and say "hey Dad, do you mind if I go to spring break with my friends" or "I'm going to X's house for the break, do you mind?". They are secure that you are still there but they don’t' need to be with you all that much because they are growing into their own lives. Yet, the attachment still exists.
So with patients.... the attachment is still there, even when they need therapy less and less. Some patients leave but they are still attached to him and may come back to refuel from time to time. He welcomes them back. He even knows they may not need anything in particular and things in their lives are going well but they need to check the attachment and then they go off into life again.

So, in his mind, once attached, always attached. It's not something dangerous and it's not something to fear or avoid. It's okay and absolutely normal. He also said that you cannot do any real processing with a trauma patient until they feel safe within the relationship and depending on the trauma it could take years for that.

he also said, in his opinion, there are two ways to learn how to do therapy well as a therapist and you need both. One is through school, reading and taking classes, doing practicum etc. The other is through being in analysis yourself. He believes it's essential for a T to learn what the patient experiences on the other side of the room.

Those are just a few words on this topic that I thought I would share with you. You may not agree and that is fine, or you may have experienced something else. These beliefs are what works for me and my T in our relationship.
Dependency is a natural developmental stage and if you miss it in childhood you need to reexperience it in therapy.

A good, secure attachment should never end. And even if we don't see each other all the time, we will always be attached. You can individuate and still be attached. My son is starting to individuate but he is still very attached to me.
My becoming more independent and needing him less happens on MY timetable not his.

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I know I shared this in another thread but I think it's important enough to share again because we have so many new people here and I think these themes of attachment, love, dependency come up very often.

We had an awesome session today. Last week my T was very hard on me. We tried to work on my need to disappear or my fear of being "seen". This anxiety has been very strong lately since I lost my office at work. I had placed an emergency call to him last week that I could not stand sitting at my desk and being seen and he calmed me down but then when I saw him he challenged the whole idea about being seen. My T has always remarked on my hair, clothes, jewelry, shoes etc. At first it was upsetting to me. I didn't know what to do with those compliments. I didn't trust them. Then I realized he was seeing me and it scared me. One day two years ago he remarked about my attention seeking choice of coat. We argued about that. Then he dropped it. Sometimes he would mention it and then drop it again.

This was all leading up to our conversation about whether or not I really fear being seen, or why I feel this way versus the way I look and dress. Let me tell you it made me squirm with his attention so focused on my "looks". He told me that there is a part of me that likes the attention and that I do not dress to hide or detract from attention. I wear bright colors, make-up, jewelry etc. He said he likes that about me. He enjoys that. He said it is who I "really" am. he wants me to own that part of me. He said it's healthy to want that kind of attention and he feels that my need to hide or disappear and not be seen relates to my belief that I will get in trouble or that I did something wrong (so better to hide). That part makes a lot of sense because the only attention I got as a child was when I was in "trouble" for some thing.

And so I should have been upset with last week's conversation because it was hard to take and talk about but my T commended me for "staying" in the room and not running or dissociating and for actually working through it and processing it with him. He said he was so pleased at my progress and he seemed SO excited.

So today we continued the conversation about my being who I am and not hiding my light. He said if I hid myself then I would not be my true self and he wants to keep moving me towards my true self and not the fearful, anxiety ridden person I have become since oldT traumatized me. I always had some anxiety but since that happened it has manifested itself in more extreme ways. Again, he noted that even though I was traumatized I still dressed well and was well put together. I told him it was my way of coping with my world turned upside down by the loss of oldT. I could still control what I looked like... but it took an extreme effort. He said that is where my strength lies and I have no idea how strong I am. He said he always noticed this and it made him feel good because he knew there was a healthy person under the trauma and I would heal. Then he said something so lovely... he said he was glad that I did not hide myself because then I would not be TN with the beautiful red hair Okay... I'm not a natural red head LOL but I loved hearing him say this. I mean I would have been thrilled to hear him say that my finger was beautiful How could I not love this man?

And again the conversation turned somehow back to attachment. We talked about how hard it was for me to work towards this. He said we have a good attachment on both sides and I said that I now know that the attachment does not end. He smiled and agreed. He then asked me what the underlying emotion of attachment was and I hedged and said no and he raised his eyebrow (so effective LOL) and I said ... nurturing? caring? and he laughed and said it's that word that you don't want to say and so I whispered "love". He nodded and said yes love and that is nothing to be afraid of. I said, well everyone seems to be afraid of it. He said he is not. And he also said that love and attachment just is... and he cannot take it away from me nor can anyone else. Once I have it it's mine... for always. And this is because it's unconditional and because he does not need anything back from me.

It reminded me that a long time ago he told me that it's okay for a therapist to love their client (and for the client to love the T) but the trouble comes when a T "falls in love" with the client because then it becomes about the T's needs and not the client's.

And so... I have 3 more sessions before Christmas. I need to talk to him about touch next time because this old unfinished conversation is hanging out there still.

Then I would like to ask him to read me a short story for Christmas. This came from our conversation about how development can be corrected and I can (to a certain extent) go back to do the development the right way. And so... since no one ever read to me I think I would like to experience it with him. He may say no and I have to be prepared for this. But I KNOW we will be able to talk about it.

Lastly, I would like to write him a letter for Christmas telling him how I feel about him. It's my gift to him for Christmas. I feel so good about our relationship lately. He has been so good to me, so kind and supportive. Yes, the work is hard and painful and I don't always like it, but it's really quite a miracle that after what oldT did to me, how badly he traumatized me.... that I could eventually withi a lot of work come to not only trust a T again but also come to love him.

Thanks for reading.
TN