((((OUTSIDER))))

No words of wisdom because I'm pretty similar. I even asked my T last week if I had schizoid personality disorder. He said no, that if he had to pick one, it would probably be avoidant. But he says it's because I've been hurt so much. Sometimes, I have to force myself to fight the urge to isolate or turn away from others. I'm constantly minimizing how much therapy has helped and how much my T has helped me. There must be some anxiety there associated with maintaining the relationship. If I could learn to manage the anxiety maybe being with others won't be so hard?

Don't know if that resonates but sending big hugs.

My T and I had a sort of similar conversation recently because I was talking about taking a break because I didn't know what I was doing in therapy anymore. I eventually realized that it's my fear of the relationship that had me thinking that. So, I might know coping skills or ways to manage feelings and such, but I'm still learning about how I interact in my relationship with my T, which gives the therapy value in itself.

I don't know if that made sense either. I am also alone nearly all the time. But I'm only lonely on very rare occasions. Most of the time, I prefer to be alone, because I often find it too hard to interact with people. My job requires that I interact with many people throughout the day, so I think my tendency to isolate has increased once I leave work because I just can't handle more people. But I also know that I need to engage in other relationships besides the one with my T to learn and continue to heal... but I don't seek it out. And so I'm often faced with the same dilemma as you, Outsider. It's hard to know when we maybe should try to change from when we should accept who we are.

I think one thing to go by is whether you are happy with where you are and whether you feel that your life is fulfilled with the relationships that you do have. I know that my life feels very empty...

Anyway, I've managed to ramble. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, Outsider, and you as well, Liese. I relate to what you've said as well - having to force yourself to not isolate or minimizing when things help. I do that a lot, and I also have a ton of anxiety around maintaining the relationship with my T. It's one of the reasons why I've considered just calling it quits recently.

It resonates a lot, Liese. I so appreciate you!



I guess I find myself thinking that there has been an ocean of abuse in my life, but I have survived, and it has shaped who I am today. As so many Ts have told me, I'm "highly functional," I just have some issues. Don't we all? At least those of us on these boards admit it.

Sure, I'd love to be able to have an enduring healthy, close relationship with someone, but I know in my heart of hearts that it's not possible with T. He is temporary, and I need to learn what I can from him but ultimately, apply those lessons to my life. When do we actually know when it's time to do that?

We cross-posted, Kash, but thanks for letting me know you feel similarly.

quote:

I am also alone nearly all the time. But I'm only lonely on very rare occasions. Most of the time, I prefer to be alone...

That's me, too! Sometimes, I wonder if I feel lonely because I think I should feel lonely. Kinda ridiculous, but I think I do get caught up in perceptions of what others--my T, really--think should affect me, perhaps because I can't identify what actually does affect me.

(((OUTSIDER))))

quote:

Sure, I'd love to be able to have an enduring healthy, close relationship with someone, but I know in my heart of hearts that it's not possible with T. He is temporary, and I need to learn what I can from him but ultimately, apply those lessons to my life. When do we actually know when it's time to do that?

Going through the process of becoming close to someone else is not easy. Even though T can't fulfill that role, he can be there to support you as you work your way through it. According to the trauma material, reentering the world (stage 3) is the hardest stage and is often downplayed. I can see how that would be because I know for me, my forays into the real world often triggers the past in a huge way. He will be there to ground you.

hi, outsider. i can relate to alot of what you're saying, but with some differences. i've never had the feeling like i knew/understood what i was supposed to do in therapy ... since beginning therapy i just felt like i needed to be there, that there was something there for me but i could not put my finger on it, so i could never verbalize it or say "T, these are my goals". that probably makes no sense to anybody. anyway, in that way we differ.

i do totally relate to you on the fighting therapy but feeling like you need your T. i guess that one sentence wraps up what i said in my first paragraph can we say "redundant"? LOL.

also, i am famous at isolating and avoid social situations like the plague. i don't mean to and i DO want to socialize more, i just don't have the confidence that i'm any good at it. i appreciate my alone time, but i have no desire to be alone for the rest of my life. that's a very scary thought for me. it really is a conundrum. so, do i accept it or do i want to not be alone enough to miraculously muster up the courage to get out there? excuse my little pity parade for a minute, but it makes me sick and disgusted with my self for being so f*cked up. sorry, pity-parade over.

could others put the anxiety about their relationship with their T into words? i have that, too and have really struggled with it. i like my T and trust him, but for the life of me i can't shake the anxiety and i feel so foolish and frustrated that i can't just let my hair down so to speak. ugh. anyway, just wondering if others could elaborate on the anxiety around the relationship.

outsider, i hope i don't come across harshly here, but i'm wondering for me as much as for you: how can one apply what one learns in therapy if one consistently isolates themself? do you know what i mean? i think that is just one more reason why i ran from therapy back in November. because i do isolate and T knew it and just what is the point of continuing therapy if there is virtually nobody to "practice" what you learn on? i hope i'm making sense.

hugs to those of you struggling with this

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences as I wrestle with this, CD, RT and Liese!

I am thankful for T, and you're right, Liese. If I haven't completely obliterated my therapy, he'll get me settled again. I don't envy him though. I've spun myself into a pretty big mess.

RT, you're so right. Change happens but it can be soooo slow, and I don't know about you, but for me forward progress seems so tenuous and erratic.

And, CD, you ask very important, thoughtful questions. You're not being harsh. You're being honest.

I hate that this is so hard so often.

((((OUTSIDER))))

I'm right there with you in a pretty thick web. You aren't alone.