((((((Seablue))))

I wish I could be with you right now. Please do not be sorry for sharing you deep pain here with us. I'm glad you did, and I know others will be glad you did too, because you shouldn't be totally alone with this, no way. I just wish that we could be there with you in person.

Seablue, I just want to very gently ask you- is it possible to see two T's at once? The level of your abandonment pain might be a little less if you knew that you could spend every last available session with your T- while also seeing the new T you will be transitioning to. It seems like you should take all the available time that is left with your T, but that you could be transitioning, too- both. Not one or the other- but both. Is that a possibility?

Sending gentle hugs to you. ((((((Seablue))))

BB

Thank you blackbird. I am just barely hanging on right now. Thank you for your reply and your care.

Oh, Seablue, I think it must be normal. My H's company might get bought by another company away from their current "parent" company and H is talking about how he wants to get the heck out of this area. We both love the SF area, but it is one of the most expensive in the country and we are struggling to afford a small condo, can't give our daughter the life we should be able to considering his salary. ANYWAY, so basically, I heard, "H plans to take me away from my T!" I started panicking even though it is no where near certain it will happen. I thought, "I should quit now. I can't bear to grow closer to T (and the others I am making effort with, like my pastor) if he will be taken away from me." Every time I think about it, I feel so scared and I am literally praying that God doesn't take T away before I am ready to let go. It hurts all over when I think of losing him. He knows me in a way that no one else does, and I have a husband! It's not because I am closed off with H, but H cannot know me as that vulnerable child who wants a dad. It's not a role he can fill. Not that T can be come dad, but he can become the proxy, the "image" of a secure parent I should have had. And I might lose it! (((((((((((((((seablue)))))))))))))))) It is OK to be scared and hurt and throw a tantrum. I am there with you, on the floor, pounding my fists and kicking my legs, with tears streaming down my face.

quote:

I wish I knew how to do this. Is it normal for me to feel this way? If I knew I was doing it right, it might help but it feels like it keeps feeling worse and when she does actually go....I will die. It can't be possible to hurt this much and still be alive.

Hi seablue... I am so sorry you are hurting so much, especially because I know exactly how you feel. Is this normal to feel this way you ask....yes it's very normal - especially for those of us with attachment injury and trauma in our backgrounds. Having someone leave us, even if it's not malacious abandonment (like with my T) it still FEELS LIKE abandonment and it hurt like hell. I know this first hand.

There really is no right way to do this because there is no getting around the hurt and pain that is inevitable. I would like to agree with Beebs above who suggests that you see both Ts at the same time for awhile so that you will at least have some level of comfort with the newT whoever that is before your oldT leaves. You will not be alone you will have your new T there to help you process the pain. You will heal from this with your new T and this is why it's very important to find one that is the right fit for you. And it does not have to be one that oldT knows and approves of. You can start there... but if you don't like the other 2 she has suggested then do your own interviewing and make your own decision as to what feels right to YOU.

BTW, from my point of view... the T that forgot your appointment? She does not get another chance.

I know you are angry at your T. I know you are angry at the world right now and you are scared and hurt and feel alone and like there is no where to turn. And of course, the people around you won't understand unless they have an attachment relationship with a T also. It's a very unique relationship that those outside of therapy do not understand. I was met with so much indifference when I tried to explain to others what happened with me T that I just gave up. They either thought I was crazy or that I was romantically involved with him and judged me for it. I finally told my boss when he kept pressing me for a reason for my erratic behavior at work that a very dear friend suddenly was killed and I was in deep grief over his unexpected death. It was a death of sorts. Except I felt that "I" had died.

I honestly don't know how I survived those really dark days following his abandonment and my surgical complications resulting in another hospitalization. It is still very traumatic when I speak of it. The only place I have done so lately is when I'm safely with my T in his office so I can fall apart in a safe place. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. This forum helped me a great deal. The support I found here (despite a few bumps) was invaluable in just being heard somewhere. Just having a place to dump my grief every once in awhile when it got too intense for me to bear alone. I had a dear friend who kept telling me I would survive and come out the other side and even though I did not believe it, I tried to believe what she said and somehow trusted her to know better because I couldn't even see straight.

I went through five Ts before staying with my current T. I can only say that he is an angel sent to me to save me. He is SO amazing. SO kind and caring. And so damn smart LOL. I'm not saying it was easy, but I am proof that you can go on with another T even after a close attachment relationship with a T. I know.... I didn't believe it myself and maybe I did not want to believe it. I could not accept that. I loved my oldT. He was SO important to me. We had so many wonderful times and memories. How could I have lost all of that? I blamed myself. I cried so much. For hours at a time. For many months. I still do. It still hurts. In fact, I asked my current T "how can someone be in so much pain and still be alive?" His eyes were teary as he told me he just didn't know.

You will get through this seablue. Look at me and Sadly... we ended up with wonderful, caring Ts/Ps. Better than the ones we had before. Others here also have lost Ts to retirement (like AG), through abandonment (SG) and in other ways.... can't remember all right now. We all did well and got through it. You can do it too. And you will learn a lot through this experience too. I know you don't want to hear any of this now. I didn't either. So I understand.

I just want you to know you are NOT alone and there are others here who know your pain and we all want to support you through this.

Sending you gentle safe hugs.
TN

(((((Seablue))))))

I am so sorry for the pain you find yourself in, having had a T leave her practice prematurely and grieving about leaving my present T, please trust that I understand your pain.

I know it feels like you're going to die and I know that's not just a hyperbolic statement; it's what it actually feels like. In my case, which may not be true for you, this loss of someone I love moving away from me triggers so much deep pain.

The feelings I carry of not be lovable, I mean if they really loved me, they wouldn't leave me, right?

The feelings I carry of how stupid it is to trust anyone. I know, I KNOW that moving closer to someone always get me hurt, why did I do that again. This one is especially strong as it is based on my dynamic with my Dad. I would move closer attempting to get the love and affection I deserved, only to have it end up with me getting abused. Again. And again. And the problem is, there is a grain of truth here. The pain you are feeling is the result of letting someone in. But I want you to think about what you have gained from this relationship. Has it been worth it? Because pain is NOT the only thing you recieved from your T. And even now, the relationship with her can provide comfort for the pain your in.

The feeling of I'm going to die without them. The truth is that we would have died without a caretaker, so our parents abuse and/or emotional abandonments of us really WAS life threatening to us on an instinctual, biological, hard-wired level. So when we experience being left, so don't have that secure base beneath us that tells us we can handle this and be ok. We just experience it as this threat to our very existance on an unconscious, timeless level.

So while on a conscious level you're dealing with your therapist moving and telling yourself you should just be dealing, on an unconscious level, this can feel like you're being abandoned and left to die. Which is why this is so very hard.

On the upside (before I cause you to jump ) the truth really is that by entering into this relationship, you have learned healthier ways of relating and getting your needs met and proven to yourself that you are capable of letting someone in and having a close, caring, intimate relationship. The truth is also that your T is NOT leaving YOU, she just has other priorities pulling her away from you which is an important distinction. Part of what makes this so painful is that part of what we're supposed to learn growning up is that we can't always come first, even with people who deeply love and care for us. But we're supposed to learn that after we have a good strong dose of coming first. It's harder to learn now but it's possible. No matter how far away your T goes, she will carry you with her as you will carry her with you. The connection you have is intact. I don't want to make light of your very real loss her, Seablue, I just want you to take comfort in the fact that your connection with her is strong enough to stretch whatever distance it needs to go.

Please know that if I had a magic wand to make this go away, I would use it without hesitation. Keep coming here and talk about this as much as you need to. I know cyber friends can sometimes not be as much comfort as a live breathing person in front of you, but please know you're not alone in dealing with this. We really care about you and want to be here for you.

AG

I completely understand why you are feeling so emotional to the point of having a tantrum. We when we develop these relationships with our Ts, we regress back to infancy and then progress through child developmental stages with them. When a T terminates early, it can be like abandoning a child someplace....think about how a 5 year old would behave if their mother dropped them off at someone else's house to live with them now instead of living with mommy? They'd be throwing a huge tantrum!

It's a horrible feeling and you are entitled to feel this way, SB. This is such a huge loss for you and it is scary, upsetting, and is going to take a lot of adjustment on your part. I know that you will make it through this, but I know that right now it probably feels as though the ground is crumbling beneath your feet.

(((((SB)))))

Oh, (((SB)))!

I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain and anguish right now. I know of the feeling that you're to die without your T. I went through this same thing 7 weeks ago when I was going to leave my T. I just couldn't do it because the pain was so intense that I too felt like I was going to die. I've never felt so alone or scared in my life.

I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. I agree with the others that you should work with both Ts and have the start of a secure base developing with a new T before your current one has to leave. Otherwise it will be even harder.

Please keep posting here, SB. We're here to support you as much as we can! Hugs, SB!

MTF

I want to thank you all for your support. I am so sorry I am not able to respond to each of you now. Please know that I am grateful.

I emailed my T today because I was such a mess and could not pull it together enough to even leave a voicemail. I know she does not like to respond to email but will let me send them if I am clear in what I need from her in response. I guess I could not be very clear but thought maybe she would give me a break because of the state I was in. She dismissed me. Now I am pissed. I want to email her back and ask her why she gets to cause this pain and then leave me alone with it except for the 2 hours, oh wait...the 1 hour and 40 minutes I am in session with her. *Extreme bitterness*

quote:

I want to email her back and ask her why she gets to cause this pain and then leave me alone with it except for the 2 hours, oh wait...the 1 hour and 40 minutes I am in session with her. *Extreme bitterness*

((((((((seablue))))))))) I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It hurts and it makes us angry when we feel people we care so much about are standing by and watching us suffer, or worse, not even pay attention. Your T does care, but it's hard to feel it when we only have access to them in person for such short periods.

Seablue,

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I think it is completely understandable and I know that if I were in your shoes I would be reacting the same way. Others have stated pretty much everything that I would have said, but I want you to know that I hear you and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry your T didn't understand the email and that has left you in a worse place. Perhaps she didn't understand what it was you needed.

I wish I could say something or offer something that would be helpful here. Just know I am thinking of you and you will get through this.

(((hugs)))

Seablue
I deeply feel for you. It is the most terrible pain and utterly normal to feel like a two year old and utterly normal with attachment issues to feel like this, like the others have said.

I look back on the pain I felt around being terminated by ex C and it was HELL. Unmitigating hell. Honestly. I writhed in pain at night - unable to sleep - with a heart torn not only wide open but carved OUT of me. I could not believe someone I loved, trusted, depended on and was attached to, could WALK AWAY like that.

So - yes, you are normal for feeling this amount of pain. Anyone with attachment issues is going to feel this pain, as it is the pain of the small child needing oh so needing to feel safe secure, held, met, and NOT WALKED AWAY FROM. If you work with another new T - s/he should understand this from the start and your present T will be undestanding too, I hope.

I just feel for you. I would not wish that level of pain on ANYONE - and I will hold you in my heart all the way from India. I am so sorry you are being put through this. The only consolation I get now from having had to go through that, is that at least I know what true heart rending mega grief and loss and abandonment feels like - as an adult and as a small child. So I can empathise with others. Small consolation I know.

I am sorry I am not a real person who can sit with you and talk with you, but I am care - I am of course a real person but you know what I mean. Keep posting. this site got me through when it was at its worst, even though somewhere in the middle of the worst I did get some posts saying I was a bit odd to feel it so badly, but I persevered and found helpful erudite support on here from others. Hugs again. S

Thank you, BB, Yaku, TN, AG, LG, MTF, STRM and Sadly. I so appreciate each of you so much for taking the time to respond to me in such very thoughtful and generous ways. I do want to respond to each of you and do plan to. Right now I am completely exhausted. I can't believe how much energy grieving takes out of a person.

I am Still breathing. I see my T tomorrow. I am still angry. It is very difficult for me to be angry to begin with, especially with T. This anger is so irrational though and that makes it even more bothersome. I know it is not rational for me to expect my T to be available to me whenever I want her and bend boundaries for me because she is leaving me and causing me this pain. BUT there is a large part of me that cannot let go of that. It's like I feel entitled to more - like she now owes me something. I really really HATE this feeling. I hate that I know it is probably me (I can't even say it IS me...only PROBABLY me, even though I know the truth) with the issue and I need to own it and that she does not owe me more because she is responsible for hurting me.....but cannot convince myself that feeling entitled is ridiculous and I am unable to stop it.

Yuck. I don't want to go tomorrow. I don't even know if I have the energy and I am not sure I should go anywhere looking like I do. Puffy eyes, with bags for days. It is so mortifying that I am dying over this.

Thank you all for being here. Truly...I really don't know what I would do without you all.
(((((EVERYONE)))))

((((((seablue))))))) I hope you are able to push through and work on these feelings with T tomorrow. I know it's hard, but not making use of these sessions might be something you'd regret. I will be praying for your session tomorrow. I'm sorry it hurts so much. I wish I could make it not be happening or make it not hurt so much.

OK. I think I am feeling a little more like a living breathing person right now than I have in the past few days.

I saw my T today. It did not start out well but ended better. I was angry about her dismissing me by email on Tuesday. She knew I was angry before she saw me. After some encouragement from her, I finally let it out and told her what I felt. It felt good when I was there, but of course after getting home I feel guilty now and worried she is mad at me, won't like me anymore, thinks I'm difficult, a drama queen, etc... Oh what fun.

blackbird,
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful words. It is so comforting to hear that someone actually wants (or is at least willing ) to be with me in this pain. I am setting up some appointments with a couple Ts my T knows and another that someone here PM'd to me. We will see. My T is going with me to meet the first T. Not excited and I am sure she will not be impressed with my....I don't like you. You're not my T attitude. But...I really don't care right now. Anyway, I know it is a good idea to have another T that I know is a good fit and that I at least don't dislike.
Thank you BB.....for offering support to me, especially in the middle of what you are dealing with.

yaku,
I am so sorry to hear about your H's company and that he is talking about relocating. Such a scary thought. I know what you mean when you say that your T knows you like no one else. It is such a painful loss and to add salt, people really do not get it. Thank you for your support and for joining me in my tantrum!! I hope you don't have to move and leave your T, ((((yaku)))).

True North,
I know you know exactly how this feels because I feel like I am feeling all of the things you described in your posts when oldT left you alone. That feeling that you described of being angry at the world, not knowing where to turn. Yes. When the pain gets so bad that I am writhing, I feel a need to reach for something solid just to catch my breath. The solid thing used to be my T, but now when I reach it feels like it or she is crumbling or is just a mirage.
I can't tell you enough how much hope you and your story give me through this pain, TN. I read someone here tell you (I think it was Morgs) on one of your threads that you have a peaceful, gentle, content tone in what you write lately. Not sure exactly what words she used, but that is how I would describe it. It is very obvious you feel safe and held by your wonderful new T and are seeing the possibility for you in a new way. It is really lovely to watch. Thank you for sharing what you do.

AG,
Thank you for your very kind and ever-so-wise words. I am comforted by knowing others here know how painful this loss is and I feel less crazy knowing that at least there are a few people who are willing to tell me what I am feeling is understandable. I am grateful for the time I have had with my T and the many many things she very gently helped me see more clearly. I have gained so much from my time with her and I know I would not choose to undo it even to wipe out this pain. Thank you for reminding me that she is not leaving me but is being pulled away by other things. I really really hope you are right when you say that our connection will remain. I really hope I can feel her with me always.
Thanks too, for the magic wand wish. My T used to say that to me often but it has been a while.

LG,
Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I am definitely experiencing that regression with my T and it does feel very child-like. I appreciate your validating those "litte girl" feelings that are coming up. It is very comforting

MTF,
Good to see you!!
Thank you for offering your support to me. And I am sorry you know how this feels. It is definitely scary and lonely. I am glad you are feeling better about your relationship lately. Thank you.

STRM,
Thank you for understanding and for supporting me with kindness and care. I talked to my T about the email situation and the current boundaries around it. She said she felt like my distress was so big and did not feel it was possible to respond in a way that she could ensure I would feel supported. I thought, well any attempt couldn't have been worse than what she did respond with. Anyway, we are going to talk more and figure how to bridge the gap between how far she currently reaches out to me and how far I am willing to reach toward her. Thank you STRM for being out there.

Sadly,
Aaaw, thank you for posting....and from India. The writhing in pain you described I completely get. I can only imagine how much worse it would feel if my T was leaving me the way yours and others have. Thank you for saying you are here. Your words are comforting and I am inpspired by your strength.

Also, how can I add something to the post title without looking like I edited the original post? Anyone?

idk seablue but someone will!! pleased you're feeling a little better - awful that this is happening to you but I think it's lovely that your T s going with you to check out another T - she clearly cares for you and I believe this 'forced' life change must be very hard for her also!

Be gentle with yourself.
Morgs

Morgs,
Thank you so much. You are very kind. BTW, I love your avatars. They so perfectly depict the feelings that are so common here.

Seablue,

What did your T ever say about the T who forgot about you?

Seablue,

It sounds like it was a good session and I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. I'm glad she is going to go with you to meet with the other T and hope that you can find someone that you feel would be a good fit. I know that this will not be easy, but I admire your courage in continuing to move forward.

Please keep us posted! (((hugs)))

Liese,
My T had not heard about what had happened until I told her in my session. I had been a bit angry at her for not checking in with me because I thought the forgetful T (FT) would have called her to tell her about it, but then found out she legally can't because there was no release for them to talk specifically about me. So I felt better knowing my T didn't know.

My T was floored, angry, disapointed for me and disapointed with the T. She kept shaking her head. She validated all of my feelings about it. She said she was proud of me for making the appointment and going and that this was the last thing I needed right now. She did say she was struggling to keep her own feelings about it out of it because they were so big.

She ended up calling FT once I signed a release with her. FT told her there had been something going on in the building that day but did not elaborate and my T said she even wondered why there was no further explanation....like she thought it may have been an excuse it seemed to me. FT apparently said that it was not normal for her to run over and be late. From what my T said, it did not appear that FT really even acknowledged forgetting about me, only that she had been late..hmmmm. Does not make me want to go back to meet her. FT also left me a voicemail after talking to my T asking me if I wanted to call or meet with her to talk through what happened.

My other big issue that came up for me besides that she forgot me was that she was at least 20 minutes over the last session. It doesn't say much for her boundaries, in my opinion. I am very used to my T who is on the minute for every session. She knows that is important to me and really foundational for my ability to trust.

As I am typing this, I realized that the T told me that she had run over her 10:00 appt because she was not used to having an 11:00. But when my T talked to her, she said there had been something going on in the building. Interesting. Seems she lies too.

Anyway Liese, thank you for asking about me.

seablue - I'm so pleased this got sorted!! Your T's reactions were totally spot on and she dealt with it well!! I don't think that FT is the one for your - her explanations don't add up - clearly your T thinks so too!!!

I'm looking forward to hearing how the next T shapes up - it's wonderful that currentT is going with you - I love that!!

Be gentle with yourself.
Morgs

Yeah, FT doesn't sound right for you (possibly anyone?). Conflicting messages like that aren't cool. I understand mistakes happen, but with a first-time client, it really is unacceptable. My T routinely runs over, but it's something I don't mind, as I usually have his last appointment and he nearly always stays long with me too. I wouldn't trade that extra time for anything.

Seablue,

Just want to say that I am so glad that your T not only validated but was really on your side. It WAS the last thing you needed at the moment.

(((HUGS))))

Liese

Yes, I know you guys are right that FT is not a good fit. It's just so disapointing and scary. And because my T is so ethical and operates with absolute integrity, losing her is even more difficult. She IS ALWAYS on my side, she is so gentle, and always finds a way to explain things in a way that is not ever blaming even when I might deserve to be blamed. She believes in me. I am so scared no one else will.

((((seablue))))
I've been reading along and my heart goes out to you. I don't really have any words to add other than what others have said.

I do very much believe you will find a T that fits for you, believes in you, and is someone you will be able to take even greater steps of healing with. I remember when I ended with my old T and transitioned to my T now - it was so hard. I didn't think anyone could help me. I didn't think I'd connect with anyone like I had with my old T. The process of finding a new T was super hard. I wanted to give up. But in the end, I found a T that fits me so well. We've done more than I thought possible. I didn't even think I'd really even see her for more than a couple of weeks, and then she or I would give up. She's still with me and we are working on stuff I never thought I'd ever be able to talk about or heal about.

It's hard, so hard. So deeply painful. Grief sucks. (sorry, I wish I had better words for it). I would have a reallyt hard time facing this myself. I am impressed by your courage to face this.

I totally believe in you. I know there are Ts out there who will too. I'm so glad you have your current T to help you through this process of finding a new T. I hope it will help to have that set up before she moves away.

hugs,
~jd

Seablue- wow, I am SO impressed that you are able to make a couple calls to T's your T knows. I don't know how to find the strength or resolve inside, myself for such a thing. It is very inspirational. I continue to be impressed and honored that you will share your story with us. Thank you,

BB

Thank you, jd. Thanks for saying you believe in me and for believing there is another T out there for me. Even though I can't see it, I feel a flicker of hope when I hear others' stories.

Thank you bb.
I am not so sure you should be impressed, but it is nice to hear. It gives me hope. Really hoping you find some peace with your T relationship, bb.

seablue

How are you faring today, SB?

Hi bb. You are very sweet to ask how I am doing. Feeling ok....grief comes and goes. I guess it is how it's going to be. I feel like taking back my agreement to meet the potential new T with my T. Really don't want to do it. What if all I can do is cry? UGH.

Nervous about my session tomorrow because my last session was difficult. We ended ok but I spent most of the session mad at her and closed off, but trying to force myself to talk because I know I always feel better when I do. I did end up telling her what I wanted to say but now feel like it was very dramatic sort of like my daughter gets, and T even said I reminded her of my daughter when I said it. I feel a lingering uneasiness and a need to make sure "we," are or the relationship is ok. It feels difficult when I get mad at her and then I feel guilty and worried that she will be upset with me or not like me anymore. My protector part was in charge during the session and she was quite bitchy. I suppose I am so used to to twisting and turning trying to please everyone so they won't have a reason to be mad at me, originally so I would avoid being abused and in an attempt to be "good enough" to be noticed by someone. Now the thought of my T being mad at me feels intolerable. It is a difficult thing to let go of. I feel like a complete bitch and a drama queen for the way I acted. I'm sure T will say I was fine, but the worry still lingers. I also don't want to spend any time feeling disconnected from her because she will be gone soon. There is a sense that I am wasting time being mad at her while she is here and I will regret it later.

seablue - I'm sure T knows how much you are hurting and isn't judging you. I can understand how horrible it feels to "waste time" being disconnected or distant. I would hazard a guess that it's a protective measure. Try to be gentle with yourself, if you can. I think your hurt, your anger and your protective feelings are all very normal and relatable from my perspective. I wish I could do more than empathize, but I'm here for you. ((((((hugs))))))