(((((cat))))) i experience anxiety for every session, but there was one session in particular (i was going through some ugly FOO stuff at the time) where i was SO amazingly panicked and i wanted SO bad to call and cancel. i had to pull over every so often just to calm myself. even when i got there, i was so close to calling T and saying i can't come in. i don't know how, but somehow i did manage to get myself in the door. it was a tough session, but T was so warm and responsive in such a great way, and i was SO glad that i went in. it was actually exactly what i needed.

that said, i obviously don't know what's going on with you, but i am encouraging you to go. i know it's easier said than done, but try to calm yourself (breathe!). think about how supportive and wonderful your T has been in the past. whatever it is you need to talk about, you can do it. sorry about the minimal session, i know that sucks.

ohhhh ((((cat)))) i'm thinking about you and sending you all my best thougts and prayers

((((CAT))))

It sounds like that part of you really want to be heard. Are you able to access them more and journal or write here before making a decision as to whether or not you will go?

((Cat)) You have come too far in your journey to quit or turn back now. There is a better future for you just over the next bump in the road. I know you've been in a very bumpy section lately but I promise there are better days ahead. Hang on. Keep working with your T as you are able. I keep being told life doesn't have to be all or nothing, black or white. So your in the gray zone right now. Not seeing T as often, but still seeing her and still working on your recovery. Reach out and take the support you need.

Let me know how those shades of gray work out for you. I'm cemented in the black and white world right now.

Jillann

Go if you can - there will be a reason you are feeling this way and your T can 'be with you' even if you can't yet figure out why you feel this way.

((Cd)) ((Liese)) ((Jill)) ((sb))

Thank you for your sanity,

I have no idea what part of me is freaking out or how to connect with itX

I feel intense and it shuts me down. It makes everything triggering... Especially having someone there.

I'm too ashamed to bring this me to therapy today. Last time I was like this... And caved in on myself.,, there is not much anyone can say,

I think sometimes it was why my parents had to communicate the way get did.

T told me, a couple weeks ago.., 'I can't do anything when you get like this... You can't take anything in and I can't do anything'

I feel so ashamed. T's tone gets short, and she sits there.,, as I sit there impossibly me.

I know so many people feel this way sometimes,,, I haven't said I quit before because it is something I say for keeps. I don't because I can't deal with the feeling of wanting to come back knowing I have an internal rule that says no.

I can't call her and tell her. I can't hear her.,, I'm terrified if she calls me if her tone is somehow remotely "wrong" (no clue what right is) I will spiral,,,

I want to ask her to call and have a calm compassionate voice but I know she can't deal when I'm 'being like [this]'

I feel like I've ruined our outside contact somehow

I need something I want to know what it is and get it right now for myself

Thank you to listen ... I am sorry I am all over

Catalyst, it sounds like if there ever was a time to go, this is the time. You need to see and hear your T.

Are you fearful of going because you know it will be awhile before you see her again? I can kind of get like that since my appointments are spaced so far apart and if I am having a particularly difficult time I feel like I need T more. Why go when I have to wait for forever to see her again and I need her more than that.

I'm sorry it feels so awful, but I think you need to go because if you don't, you are going to look at the clock at your appointed time and be angry with yourself that you didn't. I hope you do.

(((CAT)))

You need to protect yourself right now and that's a good thing. It sounds like you are in the middle of a shame storm. If you will find T's tone triggering, it is a good idea to communicate that to her. Tell her you would like to have a session but can you do it another way? Via email? Or would that be too dangerous? Phone? Or would the tone get in the way?

T is there for you. She can't stop the feelings but she is there for you. The relationship is there for you.

(((((CAT)))))

It's important to maintain the connection with T when you feel like this but you also need to protect that small part of yourself in a way that you can.

((((CAT))))

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are amazing and struggling with a set of difficult emotions there were passed on to you. You did not choose them! I didn't have your strength at your age!

(((cat))) that part of you is hurting badly. when it is like that it feels like everything is triggering doesn't it? The part is maybe hypervigilant and anticipating attack - hence the issue with tone of voice. Sounds like a freeze response - you cant hear, do, reachout etc.

If you can, send t a message saying you are feeling this way, that today you need maybe a gentle approach. Shame is an awful, disabling emotion - so often been there. I can hear you though, and somehow in my minds-eye its like I can see that part and I want to just say I'm sitting with you in a safe and caring way.

sb

((Becca)) I hadn't thought about it but maybe it is because I don't see her?? I don't know yes and no., I talk to her on the phone lots but have been asking her not to call then spiraling when I don't talk to her... So I know we will talk about that. It's insane mixed messages I'm sending because I'm activated? seeing her so little than I used to has been devastating

((Liese)) yes, a shame storm we could do a session by phone/FaceTime. She does not email. Seeing her would be best, I did call and talk quickly but... Even though her tone was calming,, I'd need to see her but I told her I'm not sure if I can she would NEVER guilt or force me to go... Unless I was mad at her, so once she has. I just don't know how to continue.

The connection itself is the shame right now.. I know that makes no sense I can't keep doing this to her. I don't see or pay her enough for all this contact. I have to see if I can pay her for another session per week like I don't even know. I waste so much of her time with voicemail like,;; she may not want to have me feel like a burden by saying that but it's probably the right thing to offer??

((sB)) I want to punish this part of me so much but thank you for sitting with her. I know my T knows what it's about.,, I just hate it. You're right it is total hyper vigilance. Relationships scare me and this less sessions stuff (because of my work) it's like someone breaking up with you then living in your house with you still.

((Eme)) I'm sorry you have been trying to push your T to hate you. My T said I am a very thorough tester... I did so for 2years at least and somehow she didn't budge. The first person I know more stubborn than me. I hope you are right that I can.

(((Draggers))


I called my T..'still unsure if I can bring myself to go,,, she said I'm not a burden and that she keeps 'telling me over and over'. So here I am 75%'relieved and 25% in deep self hatred .,, that I am breaking us with me nerosis

I see a T on Saturday,,, near my work. I told her I need someone for non-trauma work to get me through losing my Ts right now and my work adjustments... Particularly with some LGBT issues (which she specializes). I can see her free 3 times with a work benefit. Since she does evening and weekend and I could do lunch time it will help. T2 is almost entirely out of my life I wasn't even worth a goodbye... And I can't anyway because I can't get there.

(((Sp)))

I'm slightly calmer after some intensely focused audio editing at work... They play music all day long (Some dance group is playing now) so to drown everything out you have to had lazor focus Gets me in a zone.

Still sick as a dog about T. I almost have to hide my phone not to quit. I know I'm "strong" but whatever is going on is.,, out of control.

Of course I now figure she hates me.

((((cat)))) she doesnt hate you.

And one day you wont either... hold on in there x

(((Cat))) She doesn't hate you (kind of impossible), the feelings aren't really about your T, they're about how poorly you were treated as a child and the lies about yourself you learned from that treatment. I know it feels impossible, but don't try to get through more than the next few minutes at a time. Promise yourself you can quit in a week if you still want to (that strategy sometimes works for me ). I'm sorry its so hard.

AG

((((CAT))))

quote:

The connection itself is the shame right now.. I know that makes no sense

No, it makes total sense. I get that. My T didn't get that but I do. Hope you are hanging in there.

(((cat)))
i hope you feel better and that you go. and i cant imagine anyone hating you let alone your T! but i know the voice in your head that says that, try if you can to drown it out for now, until you see your T.

gentle hugs,

puppet

Thank you ladies your support means a lot...

((Sb)) ((AG)) ((Liese)) ((puppet))

I went... It was hard. I left okay but it's 10 minutes later and I'm already terrified.

It was awful at first... We weren't attuned at all for a bit.

T and I really have a hard time when I'm shut down. When I shut down - I'm down hard. She gets really direct with me, or we sit in absolute impossible silence. It's lonely but I am also unable to think.

She did some grounding with me, we talked again and I could hear her more.

I'm dizzy right now trying to write

The rest of session was mostly talking. I don't know why part of me feels so much horror right now and another part is comfortable.

((((CAT))))

Because it's new and scary. There's no scaffolding. That's where the horror comes in. Awesome that another part of you is comfortable.

(((Cat))) I'm glad you were able to go, but sorry things still feel ungrounded soon after your session. Please go gently with yourself. You've be going through a lot of changes with therapy and work lately. I have trouble adjusting to a minor change in my regular therapy schedule for just one week, so I can't imagine what big changes like you've been going through would stir up. Just wanted to let you know I'm here and care and hope you are able to reach out here and with your T as much as you need to right now, without any added layer of doubt or shame. Lots of love!

(((cat))) - so sorry things are so freaking hard/scary/shameful/and more right now. I'm hoping by now you've maybe had your appointment with T and are feeling more stable. And if you haven't gone yet, that being "in the zone" has given you enough calm to hang tough and go. I'm pretty sure T will help you get to the other side of this.

I'm… stable-ish. Give me until tomorrow afternoon and I'll probably be bumping this again.

How do I accept a temporary break like this? The REASON for the break is ALL GOOD STUFF. But emotionally it's insane. I hate change. I was looking at pictures of myself tonight and realized I've lived in the same place for 4 years… done the same things (usually alone) for 4 years… I want more.


((Liese)) thank you again. That other part of me has to be comfortable. I compartmentalize well. It's weird… thinking myself in to having to be better to survive has made some very important (eating) things better… that help. I was feeling okay with my T today… and… now I'm not. She goes over the parts stuff too of course… and we talked about being 'disorganized'. Anyhow… the feeling is so weird when I move from anxiety to non-anxiety with the same feelings. I sound so much more… sane… when I'm not quite at all.

((yaku)) good to hear from you… I had (have) issues with minor changes also… but… a forced overhaul is it. It was either LTD basically or getting this new job and trying to shift the energy. I'm sure my T thinks it's *awesome* work for my attachment stuff… it's a disruption like… going to school or something? All I know is I'm in agony constantly I'd find something to feel shameful about… work is sort of like a babysitter, I can tell my T appreciates it. Absence has not made the heart grow fonder, it's made it grow more completely out of its mind.

((RT)) Thank you. I have/had made my appointment with T and… in this 10 minute span of time I do feel more stable. I usually feel okay for 48hrs after seeing my T. So… I'm still in the honeymoon phase of my intensity. I also got to see my ED T for the first time in FOREVER… which was what sparked all of this. She reassured me this is just temporary and even if that is BS… my little kid believed it.

Struggling again. My T is helping me deal with the less contact, and having me work on needing to connect with her less (my goal - not hers necessarily). I feel rejected and left getting help from her with this... That's not her intent nor communication at all.

She casually cancelled a session with me last month on the 18th, I thought it was hard scheduled (she must not have because of her casualness about it). I came in the week before and she said "by the way the 18th is taken now"...

I said ok. I feel like a bother... And felt like wasted time. It hurt.

I don't know if I can address that because with the amount my T does for me I assume she'd get resentful.

Sigh.