JD,

I'm really sorry to hear some of what you've been through. I can relate to the pain in the here and now that is related to past trauma. I recently worked with my T on a trauma from childhood in which I was tied up as well. My arms will lose feeling just as they did back then and my wrists will hurt. Many times I have trouble telling my T about the details of the memory, but often I will write it down ahead of time if I'm able. Also, when I have pain like that during T, especially when talking about a trauma my T encourages me to move my body in any way that feels right and that I couldn't back then. If I can move against that sensation of being tied up and in a way that I wanted to but was unable to in the past it will often resolve the body pain component.

I'm sorry that you are going through this and hope you and your T can find a way to work through it.

DF ~ thank you. I’m sorry you physically hurt too. I don’t wear watches or anything either.

My T is actually very not pushy about me talking about the past. She does challenge me to feel what I feel in my body. She also challenges me to connect with her. She is not really pushy about it though. But it's what I want - she doesn't have to push. She is very respectful if I can't just "go there" or "be present" during a session too. She has actually even told me to just go with being numbe dout and not fight it so hard. She tells me to stop pushing myself so much! She says try when you can to be present, and if you can’t that’s ok too.

And with this, if I feel what I feel, and this comes up, and if I was to connect with her and be present and be real... well, I could ignore it, and then I would be numb to everything. I could say all that happened, and then I would be numb to everything. I want to just be present and... ugh... (my thoughts are very jumbled up about this).

I am worried she will think I am more broken or screwed up than she thought and will pull away from me if I don’t explain it...

Except have no idea what I think would be reassuring about explaining the past. I can’t even speak of it to myself. I just want to pretend it never happened. But if I am present, and connected with her, it’s like my body is saying something when my words can’t...
I think... maybe just don’t want her to think I’m more messed up that she currently thinks... I think I am afraid that if she thinks that.. she will go away... stupid fear of abandonment...

It's good to hear how your T responds and be reminded oh how my T generally is.

I think you are right, my body is trying to say something. Trying to let it speak is so hard...

STRM ~ (oh we cross posted)
I'm so sorry you have been through that... it's awful...

I love your ideas. I could write out beforehand something and if it comes up, I could give it to her - then I don't have to just disappear or stammer over words... hmm...

You give me hope. I hope my T might be able to even just be present with me when I experience it. Just for a moment. I don't know how I could move past it, but she is very body oriented, and I want to learn to be present with me, all of me, even the parts that hurt. Even when it is awful, I still very much want to be freer to be me...

thanks for being so understanding.

I like the suggestion of writing it down. So much easier for the both of you that way.

Thanks DF and LG,
I wrote out a couple of sentences and printed it out to take w/ me when I meet with my T this week. I may or may not give it to her, but it’s nice to know I have the words somewhere with me. It’s also good to be reminded of how accepting she has been. DF, I can really relate to so much of what you wrote. Shame silences me takes my voice and my words away. I taking them back. Slowly. As I am ready. You are so right too – she knows me. She doesn’t know all the past, but she knows me now, and knows I’ve been hurt, and she is still with me. It’s not like it will be a complete surprise.

And DF and STRM ~ just wanted to say it hit me that whoa, I’m really not the only one who has experiences things like this. Intellectually, I knew I wasn’t the only one, but it just hit me on a deeper level, it a good way. It is awful anyone has to experience any aspects of this, but It also helps to know I’m not alone... maybe ‘cause I feel like a ton of compassion when I think of other going through similar stuff. It doesn’t freak me out. It makes it easier to remember I don’t have to be ashamed or hide... and imagine that yeah, my T could feel that way towards me too, and yeah, she hasn’t run. I dunno.

I'm headed to try to sleep, and I’m all teary eyed but in a good way, feeling some relief from all the internal pressure and shame I put on me.

~ jd

I had a session with my T today. I told her about the feeling in my hands, as much as I could. It came up, and I tried to say it. I told her I felt glad I could feel it and sit with it, but also scared. She asked, "are you was afraid of the feeling itself, what the feeling brings up for you, or what it might mean?"

I paused, and then said, "I'm scared about what it is connected to and what it might mean."

I am scared. Inside, deep down, I am scared that I'm a freak for this coming up for me in my body. I think that I think it shouldn't be coming up for me. (shiesh, my inner critic works a lot of overtime.) I scared that what happened means horrible things about me. I'm scared she will think I am all kinds of horrible things. I'm scared she won't believe me, AND I am scared she will. I am scared she will tell me it wasn't my fault.

As we talked about other things, my T started to say something about "someone" telling me something wasn't my fault, and I got tense, I felt anger inside... my T immediately noticed... she was really aware and in sync with me...

whoa.

the anger came and went quickly, and I felt sad. My T said I looked very sad. The rest of the time I wrestled with the sadness. She had no idea what it was about, and didn't push. I kept clinging to the fence, and standing very close the the horses, like I never have before. I just was as close as I could be. One of them wrapped their head around me - hard to explain... and just stood there, steady, as my body felt so much...

too much sadness today to even try to talk about this or give her what I wrote...
I was too ready to crawl out of my skin as it was...

grr. I feel so discouraged. I feel foolish too. Intellectually, I know I have no reason to feel this way, but I still do.

I told my T I noticed how much I clung to the fence and just kept picking to be go close to the horses. My T said the horses seemed very ok with it. I'm so glad for that.

My body hurts and is super exhausted now. All of this is so physical for me when I do let myself experience it...

JD,

Wow, what a powerful session you had. I'm so glad you were able to tell your T what was going on in your body. It sounds like you had a great deal of feeling come up and perhaps some emotional flashback related to whatever is connected to the body feeling. That can be really scary. I know the fear of feeling like your T will think you are horrible or think bad things about you. I often worry about that as well, but I'm sure your T would say what my T says which is that she will think the people responsible were horrible and bad, but not you. It was not your fault!

It sounds like you are doing some really great work. It is exhausting work for sure. (((hugs)))

Thanks STRM ~

quote:

I'm sure your T would say what my T says which is that she will think the people responsible were horrible and bad, but not you. It was not your fault!

this actually happened today... you were right...

quote:

Originally posted by janedoe:
Thanks STRM ~

quote:

I'm sure your T would say what my T says which is that she will think the people responsible were horrible and bad, but not you. It was not your fault!

this actually happened today... you were right...

Yay!!! That's a great thing to be right about. I'm happy for you.