Forlorn,
This dance you are describing is so frustrating. It's all part of learning to trust them and ultimately others. It is great that you have been able to feel her care on at least some occasions - it feels amazing, doesn't it?

Try to take in that you DO deserve her and her care. You deserve support and healing. She is there to help you, and will understand any harshness is probably minimally about her, if at all. She will get that.

How long have been seeing her?

quote:

Originally posted by seablue:
How long have been seeing her?

A little over 7 months. It feels like such a short time and especially considering in another month she will be the T I have had the longest relationship with. And that sounds especially sad to me for some reason. Like I'm damaged and couldn't make it work this long with my other Ts.

I am still trying to hold onto the tender feelings and tell myself she is always like that but I just never see it always through my guarded disillusioned eyes. Plus, I'm struggling to make sure it really is her being caring and gentle that I'm seeing and not just my transference that tells me she is. Ack, see how quickly those guards come up....

But you're right, it is amazing. And addictive. I want more.

forlorn, i am swimming in your beautiful pool of campassion you have from your t, and, altho, yes, i am jealous, i am moreso, hopeful that we (me and t) will get there as well. it is so nice to feel that, such a new feeling, and you do just want to dwell in that and feel it fully. soooooo happy for you, and it is good to know it is possible...as i have a 'bump' to discuss with mine on monday that could go either way. and although i fear a disconnect, i am hopeful for some warmth. as it has been a long time since i have had that in therapy. i am happy for you and enjoy the moments, and i have a feeling you are in for many more!!! jill

Aww sweet Jill, you were on my mind tonight and here I find a post from you to me

I was just posting (eh hem a very long post - sorry ) regarding your "bump".

I do think you'll get there with her. And please forgive me for my rambling post, wacky unfunny attempts at humor, and general boringness of my post. I mean well, really I do.

I am hopeful you will get warmth and never forget you deserve it. Just 2 weeks ago I was convinced warmth would not exist for me. Aw heck, tomorrow it may be all gone again. But...

In the meantime, my pool is always open, you can swim here as long as you like

i'm swimming in your glow right now. no, tonight is good, i just stood up to my schizophrenic sister who has thrown me under the bus just one too many times, so i am feeling really empowered. (may sound cruel, but you'd have to know the details) you don't ramble, you are funny and most importantly to my frail little squashed ego, you seem to 'get' me. and i 'get' you!! xxoo jill

quote:

T has had some moments with me that have been very tender and I'm able to clearly see how much she cares without the anti-trust fogginess that normally surrounds me.

Without going into detail, we had a moment like that at last session. And afterward I just kept sighing as I remembered it over and over.

Forlorn, the question for me is how to hold onto those tender moments when they happen? Because after awhile I tend to second-guess or devalue them.

I hope you don't mind if I share a special moment I had with my T last session just as I was leaving, as an example. She was talking about boundaries, but trying to soften her message with an underlying theme of concern for me. We were standing at the door sort of facing each other, and she reached out and softly brushed a lock of my hair away from my face. A simple thing to do, yet it felt intimate. Like something you would only do with a person you know well and with whom you are comfortable sharing personal space.

I want to remember it with the feeling I had then, but something in me fights it. Doubts come, such as, "Maybe it wasn't spontaneous and she orchestrated the move to manipulate me, so that I wouldn't get angry about the boundary we were discussing." Or another doubt is, "Maybe I'm assuming too much in thinking it was an act of tenderness. Maybe she was totally distracted by my hair being out of place and just couldn't take it anymore."

I think its part of the dance of trust, yes. It's about more than just trusting her, though. It's about being able to trust myself -- my own instincts and judgments.

quote:

Originally posted by Mad Hatter:
Forlorn, the question for me is how to hold onto those tender moments when they happen? Because after awhile I tend to second-guess or devalue them.

I'm trying to just relive the moment to keep it in memory. but I think ultimately the feeling will need to be repeated, either with T or at some other points in my life, so that I can feel comfortable and adjusted to it. IDK if that makes sense. Someone said something similar to that and I was just trying to remember. I think it had to do with adjusting to the fact that those moments are deserved and not just random is the key to feeling confident enough to ask for and receive more of the type of care and attention we need. Then our lives can become less about holding on to those fleeting moments, and in my case, desperately grasping onto for dear life, and more about feeling good and nurtured overall and able to seek appropriate reciprocal relationships in life that are FILLED with good tender moments???

I think your moment with your T was very special
And I understand your doubts. In my opinion, I would say that your T was genuine in expressing care for you. That sort of movement would be difficult to plan and orchestrate since the timing and moment would have to be in tune. I look at it like she was preparing you to go out into the world for the rest of the day and wanted to make sure you looked your best. But in a non-judging way. It just reminds me of when a friend's tag is showing and you tuck it in for her. No judging just helping her out. And especially to connect with you after a boundary discussion. that can be hard. I hate having boundary talks and always feel like a punished little kid afterward. So the gesture, imo, was a nice way for her to show care.

I know it's hard to fight those doubts. I am seriously only at the very beginning of starting to realize she may care. And I am fighting, fighting, fighting those struggling doubtful thoughts because it feels so good thinking someone truly cares. It certainly feels better this way than assuming she does not. I think my judgments are all off so I can't trust them. My childhood was spent with every hour of everyday wondering when my mom would get in a bad mood, when would she lash out at me, was it safe to turn my back to her now, is it safe to go to bed or will she find something to be mad at me for and wake me up. I was constantly on edge waiting, wondering, TENSE. So now I suppose I am waiting for when T's good "mood" will turn. It's why I can't get too comfortable. The 'what if she snaps at me like mom did', always lingers.

But, on the other hand, T is not my mom. So while my instincts say "watch out, don't let your guard down!" my reality is that she will never be as awful as my mom was and that is why I try and fight so hard to keep believing she cares.

The way I see it, I've already been through the worst childhood I will ever have to go through, I've already been rejected and emotionally abused by bad T, I've failed every romantic relationship I've been in, so I really have nothing to lose in trusting her. I already experienced the worst pain in all forms of relationships so I might as well take the chance. That's may sound bitter and like I'm resigned but I'm not so much. I am moderately hopeful.

Saw T this morning and while I did not want to push my luck to ever try to duplicate the tender moment, to my surprise she was very caring again. We ended up disagreeing and I ended up sulking at the end of the session. I'm still mad at her, but at least I can appreciate the soft tone she used with me instead of seeming aggravated. It helped settle my mood before leaving.

quote:

I know it's hard to fight those doubts. I am seriously only at the very beginning of starting to realize she may care. And I am fighting, fighting, fighting those struggling doubtful thoughts because it feels so good thinking someone truly cares. It certainly feels better this way than assuming she does not. I think my judgments are all off so I can't trust them. My childhood was spent with every hour of everyday wondering when my mom would get in a bad mood, when would she lash out at me, was it safe to turn my back to her now, is it safe to go to bed or will she find something to be mad at me for and wake me up. I was constantly on edge waiting, wondering, TENSE. So now I suppose I am waiting for when T's good "mood" will turn. It's why I can't get too comfortable. The 'what if she snaps at me like mom did', always lingers.

Forlorn, I'm so sorry you had this childhood. I know the tenseness of which you speak so well. The only difference between your description of your mom is that for me it was my dad. I remember frequently hiding under my bed when he got home from work, not coming out until I could determine by listening whether he was in a bad mood or not. I never knew what I would be in trouble for or how I would displease him next, nor how to prevent it. So yeah, I guess I transfer that fear or expectation onto my T and doubt the sincerity -- or at least the longevity -- of the tender moments.