I'm taking some tentative steps back into the forum today and seeing how it goes (internally). Thanks to all of you who were so supportive during my break.
Sunday was Father's Day, yesterday a family birthday, today my 8th wedding anniversary and the anniversary of my grandma's death (which I didn't realize when we got married). Kind of a rough time for me right now, so it was good to take some space and focus on me a bit more, have the energy reserves to confront the feelings that surfaced around all those things.
Therapy is going pretty well, but yesterday's session was a little rough. I was overwhelmed with pressure and it was very hard to speak, but my T was kind and patient. He is stepping up in terms of suggesting ideas for safety, for him getting to know some of the parts (and setting aside some extra time in his schedule to make sure that happens safely).
I found a pdoc through my medical group who will see me, but the first available appointment is August 9th, so I'll be waiting quite a while. Kind of scared about it still, so I'm not looking forward to a month and a half of anticipation.
Our finances are seriously tanking to the point that we're looking at walking away from our condo if our modification doesn't save us serious amounts of money. We already have a low-rate, fixed mortgage, so giving up the place is the most likely outcome.
I have a part-time job opportunity, but the amount they want to pay would mean that after childcare/preschool and taxes, I would be making about the same amount I'm currently making to stay home and watch my nephew, minus a little extra for the self-employment taxes. So, we'll see if they'll be able to offer more or I can find cheaper childcare and if not, then I'm just going to assume it wasn't in the cards, so-to-speak.
Things with Boo and H have been steadily better. I have been more aggressive in getting my H to understand the internal stuff going on with me, worrying less about hurting his feelings and more about him "getting" the damage that is constantly compounded by his issues. It hurts him, yes, but right now, I am just concerned with me not getting hurt anymore right now. T apparently made H's whole session yesterday about my safety, preparing to step up and support me more in case things get harder and memory stuff surfaces. He wants H to read up on dissociation and be ready to be supportive when things get really uncomfortable.
So, I guess I'm feeling right now that I am both overwhelmed and stable. Like, I feel that for the last month or so, at least in therapy, we have hit a sort of plateau where I don't envision the continual decline I was experiencing for the first eight months. At the same time, realizing that I might be stuck in this overwhelming place for a while is kind of exhausting. I'm really fortunate to have people around me willing to walk through this journey with me, helping me not be groping around in darkness all the time, and that includes you guys.
Anyway, I hope to be around a bit, but I probably won't be able to get caught up on all I missed or support anyone as much as I would truly like to right now, so I'm sorry, but know you guys will understand. I may have to retreat now and again, but I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on the idea that I can connect to other people without corrupting them or me falling apart.
Love and ((((hugs)))) to you all, my friends.
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