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14 replies

Terminated by text.

musicboymusicboyMember
Last week my T and I had our session. We went for a walk and during that walk, she snapped at a homeless person. I happen to work with homeless people in the same area, and I can't stand it when people treat the homeless as 'less than'. Anyhow, I was shocked in the moment and couldn't bring myself to say something. Later that night, I did. She didn't respond. So the next day I sent a text again stating that I was upset, and no answer. My anger grew, and I sent her a few more texts. I decided to journal and usually I'll just send it to myself when I journal on my iphone if I'm not at home. It was full of swearing and I just got angry about the situation, and about everything else and everyone else in my life. It was a vent. Unfortunately, the entry went to her email by accident. I sent another text asking her to not read it. But it was too late.

Then yesterday came along and her supervisor suggested that we find me a new therapist, and that this wasn't my T's decision, it was hers. She had to smooth things over with my therapist, as my texts and the email hurt her feelings and that had a ripple effect that spilled over into her personal life. There was one other time in the summer I got angry with her for something an sent a couple angry emails, to which we agreed I wouldn't process in email and from then on just process in session. That the only in between session contact would be to change appointment times or cancellations. I agreed, and my T said "And we'll just take it week by week. One week at a time". This was an adjustment, as from the start of therapy, we had been emailing quite a bit and she never said it wasn't ok. She always responded within an hour and was very compassionate. And then suddenly it was just not ok anymore, as she was overstepping her own boundaries.

A couple other times I've written thoughts for session and sent it to her, but it wasn't angry and was just ideas of things to work on. She said she wasn't angry, thanked me for letting her know and said we could make a plan for it in session.

So, the supervisor said that she was concerned because of the 'intensity' of the texts I sent this last week. Also that thought I am functioning well in life, my traumas are very complex, and she fears may be out of my T's expertise (even though she was a T for 25yrs before moving on to do her PhD, which she's doing now).

I will say I am upset the supervisor did this by text. When she told me, she said I could contact my T to confirm a final appointment, so I did immediately and let her know....and she apparently hadn't called her yet to let her know I'd spoken to her or that this was indeed the decision.

I told the supervisor that she may want to talk to my T, because my T encouraged me to display my anger, that she was not going to leave me unless she got hit by a bus, that she was committed and could handle anything I threw at her. Last week I told her I was afraid to express my anger and her words were "I can take it. So give it to me". I also mentioned that a number of months ago when we agreed we'd process in session, not email, that she said she wouldn't terminate if I emailed or something, and that we'd work through it.

So I pulled out my inner advocate....I then asked the supervisor if she would give my T and I one more chance. She said she would think about it and said that I would not be able to do any communication outside of sessions. That we would see how this week's upcoming termination session goes.

I see her Wednesday, so I'm hoping it goes well and that I can continue to see her. I guess her supervisor will let me know after the appt.

The supervisor and I have been colleagues in the past, through some community ventures and a previous employer we've both worked for in the health field, so we have a pre-existing relationship that isn't therapeutic. Thought we are in a big city, it's a bit of a 'small town' as we both specialize in the same area (she's a psych and I'm a mental health/addictions worker).

Anyhow....super complicated. Sad about this, embarrassed about my behaviour with the texts, am hoping this can be worked out. I know I can respect the boundary, and I just hope for one more chance, because I've made a lot of progress and we had other goals to meet.
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peanutpeanutMember
Wow, MB. So sorry that happened. "Breaking up" by text seems very high school - and this was like having the big sister of the high school student do the breaking up over text. It feels like the supervisor is exerting power over you by not even allowing a dialogue where you get to participate, as you could have over the phone. And to do it before informing your T!! It sounds like your T maybe had some upsetting personal stuff going on based on her reaction, and also the way she snapped at the homeless person. I don't know how often a supervisor steps in like this and speaks directly to the client of their "supervisee" - it sounds pretty weird to me, even though (maybe especially because) the supervisor knows you. I have never worked with a T being supervised as part of training - one T did tell me much later that she had sought supervision about treating me at one point. I thought supervisors were invisible to the patient/client.

I have used email to sort of journal and sent it to my T2 between sessions. She rarely replies, but says that it lets her know what is going on with me quickly, and it saves time in sessions. Seems a shame if that sort of between session message is not allowed, assuming you get to continue with your T.

I also know the dreadful feeling of accidentally sending something when I never meant for anyone to see it, or wanted to leave it and think about it/cool off before sending it. I did it 2 weeks ago (not to T) and I am still paying for it, and like you said it is embarrassing too. But most T's can take it, they know people go through emotional phases and can let it roll off. Again - your T may have personal stuff right now, hopefully a short term personal problem.

You are obviously pretty knowledgeable about how therapy works, through your work you have probably seen many examples of therapy done well and done badly, so I'm guessing you had a pretty good take on the skill level of your therapist. But it is possible that your issues happen to hit one of her weak spots in terms of her skills or her personal life. This would fit better if your experienced T told you herself that she feels she's not the one to help you through this stage. If that happened, it could be an example of a very good T who knows herself and knows she needs work in that area.

What a mess, like you said. I hope it turns out alright, and that you are able to keep working with your T. Although it would make me a little uncomfortable knowing her supervisor might step in at any time - it might make me watch my words. I could live with the no email boundary, but what if supervisor starts horning in whenever she didn't like how you expressed yourself in T?

Good Luck!
sdsdMember
I had to stop reading your post and have a break for a few hours as it had so many parallels to my abrupt termination. My new T was not allowed to mention the word supervisor, supervision, supervise for 2 years as I was so triggered by the word.

I hope it works out for the best, but I too would be worried about the supervisor intervening again and me feeling that i would have to be on my best behaviour.

Somedays
riverriverMember
How can your t forbid you to use a word or get angry with them and express it? Sounds so weird since my impression is that you are supposed to be able to say anything to them. They are trained to handled it. They are PAID to handle whatever we throw at them. Isn't one of the things we pay for is a chance to let everything out, try to make sense of it and learn how to do it better in our real lives?

I am sorry that your t cannot hold the boundary or handle her transference. It is good that she has such close supervision.
pippipippiMember
Im sorry you are going through this. I hope that your session goes well and that you get to continue seeing her! I had always thought that I had bad termination experiences, but I havent had someone do it for my psychiatrist or counselor.

My psychiatrist sent me a letter in the mail and I got it two days before my next scheduled appointment and when I called to see if I still had that appointment for at least closure or to talk about it his secretary told me no. I called his cell phone over and over again until he finally answered it and talked to me on the phone. That didnt go over as well as I hoped. It took me two and a half years for me to convince him to take me back as a patient and it was at a point when I was desperate and suicidal and he knew I needed him.

I had a counselor that a little over a year stopped seeing me. I had just had an appointment with her two days earlier that was very productive. That was a Monday that we did the session and were talking about the things we would be working on in the future. On Mondays and Wednesdays I volunteer alongside her at a pregnancy center. After she went to lunch she came back and walked into the office and said "I will not be counseling you anymore, we are not going to talk about it. This is just the way it is going to be. No discussions. You are just going to have to trust me that this is the right thing."

Then after her I had a great mentor from my church who I had for two months before she had to move six hours away. She said we would stay in contact and things would be great and she would still talk to me and offer me advice and she would be there for me no matter what. It took her the first week of her being gone for her to tell me that she could not stay in contact with me or be the one I go to for advice. Before she left she said I should use her as the last resort. But when she left she said she said it couldnt even be that, no contact at all.

But they at least told me themselves. Its crazy what these people do. But I am about to have an appointment with that first psychiatrist in a week to see if he will take me back again cause i stopped seeing him two years ago. So we will see how that goes :/
musicboymusicboyMember
So here is what happened:

I met with the supervisor last week. She told me about another client she's trying to get away from my therapist. My therapist and I had been working on some very deep issues and I did not get a smooth transition period. She wanted me to wait to get a session, and told me se thinks my therapist feels like she failed me, and hoped I could convince her otherwise (like that's my job). I did eventually get to meet with my therapist, because I texted...asked her for her registration body and she replied with a call instead, asking me to meet. She apologized for how all of this went down. She cried, gave me a huge hug at the end of the session and said she believes we have a soul connection. The only referral she gave me was to the supervisor, who I cannot have a therapeutic alliance with for personal and professional reasons.

After, the supervisor gave me the number to someone who turns out to be a bad fit for me. Her and I met and she told me they were scared for me and that my anger might drive me to hurt myself. That she thinks my therapist is too triggering for me, that she's over protective and there is too much transference and countertransference. That despite her 25yrs of experience, she 'doesn't have the skills to help me'. Also that my therapist is 'vanilla' and I'm not. (Not sure what that has to do with me addressing traumatic events and maladaptive behaviours, but ok). The supervisor told me she can't have her student running to her upset all the time, that my emotions affect my therapist in other areas of her life (like that's for me to take care of?). That SHE didn't process her trauma that quickly and thinks I'm moving too fast (because none of us are individuals, right?). After all this went down, the supervisor wanted to try to access funding for therapy for me from my home province because I was in fostercare and offered to do the paperwork with me.

I get that the therapist may not be able to handle the work I need to do. But I would have preferred the courtesy of an in person meeting to tell me, instead of being terminated by text by someone who isn't even my therapist. Perhaps 3 or 4 sessions to give me time to wind down and find someone else. Perhaps not putting me in a position where I'm not having any support. I've spent the last week advocating for myself, trying to find services, coping with old traumas and hurts being wide open with no closure, constantly hearing from the supervisor about how I've negatively affected my therapist...(not the impression I got when I met with my therapist for the last time).

Filed a complaint yesterday to the local governing body for psychologists, along with the 9 page transcript of texts.
E emeMember
((MB))What a bunch of unnecessary drama that the Supervisor and T are dumping on you. Sure sounds like your T needs some sessions on handling transference and counter transference issues. The supervisor and your T need to update themselves on ETHICAL TERMINATION!!!!!! I'm really glad you filed a complaint to the local governing body for Psychologists with your texts. Hang in there, and I'm super glad you are standing up for yourself. Again, I'm sorry about this stressful situation you're going through. We're routing you on.
armoredheartarmoredheartMember
(((MB)))
wow... this is some heavy stuff Frowner My heart goes out to you, because you have been so blatantly mishandled on so many levels. There is some seriously ridiculous behavior going on by these people who are trained to know better!! I feel angry for you, actually. And to be honest, I think you will be far better to work with a new person who can actually do their job without all of the nonsense you've had to deal with. I know things will be very stressful and painful now in making another transition, but I hope you can hang on to the knowledge that you deserve better, and can come here for support while you find a competent T (who doesn't have a crappy supervisor!!! Wink)
musicboymusicboyMember
Hey folks,

I know I've been away. I just needed to deal with all of this. I was successful in my complaint with the College of Psychologists and they've places limitations and consequences on her for her boundary violations.

I've been having bad dreams about her and the intern and the feelings come in waves. It's been a huge challenge. I'm still very angry with both of them. But I am working through it. I'm not able to do therapy right now. I've interviewed a bunch of them and I just can't. I have a major wall and feel sick every time I sit down in a new office.

Thanks for your patience, support and compassion, everyone.
F frustratedMember
Hi Musicboy,

I am truly sorry for what you have been through. I will never understand how a professional therapist that is supposed to help us can end up doing more damage and be okay with it. My old T called me on the phone and told me not to return. She gave me referrals, but I refused to go see anyone for a while. I begged my T over and over to let me stay and she refused. I was kicked out because sometimes she would tell me she was going on vacation at the end of my last session. I asked several times to be told sooner. Sometimes I was, but this time again I was told at the end of my session she would be on vacation the following week. I sent her a few angry text messages and she called me and told me not to come back. I never expected it and It was extremely difficult. This happened November of 2012. I did eventually go to the therapist she recommended for about 9 months, but I just recently quit again because she's just not my old T. Know that you are going to have tough times for a while, but as with everything else in life that is difficult this too shall pass...give yourself time. I wish you peace.
musicboymusicboyMember
Hey folks,

Thanks for your responses.

Purple....I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this too. It is providing a great amount of validation. The supervisor said some things that made me question my own sanity. After talking with a few people and showing them some of the texts, they said that she was gaslighting so I'd feel like the crazy one. I realize that's true now.

I know a couple other people who see her and she's still crossing boundaries, despite being under strict supervision. The college of psychologists paid for me to see a psychologist for two sessions to go over my file, so I made sure to tell the psychologist about it. It's out of my hands now.

Right now I never want to see the supervisor or the intern again. The mental health facility I work at is around the corner from the supervisors condo, which is also two blocks from her office. So there is a chance I'll run into one of them. I actually go a few blocks out of my way to avoid the office. The other night I was out with a friend for dinner and we went for a walk and ended up walking down the street by her office, which was the first time since all this went down that I walked there. It was so weird. But I needed to do it, and do it with someone I trust. So I did. I don't want them to hold power over me anymore. I work down there. All my clients are there. I lived in that area when I was struggling with addiction and untreated mental illness. Now I help people by working in the front lines down there. It's MY turf. Not the psychologist and her interns.

I do feel some relief and closure. What they did was wrong and I hope they know that now. I don't think I'll ever trust in the same way. I still think about what they did every day. I probably will for a long time.

But that's just the way it is. I could never do therapy with either of them again. They've destroyed any trust I had in them, and proven to me that they didn't deserve the vulnerability I displayed to them.

I did get a good song written out of all this, though lol
P purplebloomMember
MB, I'm glad to hear your complaint and its result have been helpful in your process. You deserve it.

I really hear you about questioning your own sanity and about thinking you'll never trust in the same way. Ugh, it's so damaging what Ts can do.

I admire that you're at a place of "they didn't deserve my vulnerability" and that you're at a place of knowing you didn't do anything wrong.

You've got to know I'm dying to hear your song! Wink

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