Hi,

My world has come crashing in. My heart is completely broken and all the while I have to pretend to be OK around family and friends who really have no idea about my troubled soul or my troubled past.

I started off going to an alternative health professional - not a therapist for other health reasons and for whatever reason I felt a connection and told her my story. My secret. Secrets that I had NEVER breathed to anyone. With the result I suffered from PTSD, depression, anxiety, lost the ability to cry and basically became a basket case. It felt like my body was a hollow cave with bats flying inside it. I was suicidal at times. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else my story or explained to them how I felt so I distanced myself as much as possible in order to survive. In the meanwhile I have two children and a husband who are rather social so it added a huge amount of stress to an already stressful situation.

As far as my "therapist", if you can call her that, was concerned I began to feel a love and dependency for her that was so deep. I needed her more than anyone else in my life. She let me write to her and over the months (about 18mths) I poured my heart out to her in mails (almost everyday), I told her things that were extremely personal that I had never told anyone. I exposed my entire "self" to her - all my vulnerabilities - everything. As the months passed my love for her grew deeper and deeper and eventually I realised that the love was transference. I had transfered all the feelings and desires I had for my mother onto her, but how could I possibly tell her? She was not a psychologist (and the reason I never went to a psychologist was that I could never face telling my story to another person - I did try 3 times but I could never say anything so there was no point). I thought she would think I was crazy. In December I plucked up the courage to ask her if she thought I suffered from transference, but unfortunately she answered me about inference, saying she didn't think I suffered from inference. Well I didn't either think I suffered from inference. At that point I decided to thank her because I thought if I thold her she would surely leave me.

Anyway weeks passed and I continued to go to her and then one day I wrote her something about how I loved her and how I wouldn't be able to live without her. How thankful I was for her. Well clearly it didn't go down well - she completely ignored me and that just caused all my insecurities to surface and I BEGGED her forgiveness, but it was too late. Some days later she wrote me a mail saying she could no longer treat me and that I was to stop all contact with her. Just like that.

I feel as though I have lost an immediate family member, and I don't even know how to go on because it is not as though I can even afford a psychologist. So I cry inside and try my hardest to look normal. I can't sleep. I constantly wake up just wanting her to forgive me and hold me, like a mother would hold a child and forgive her child when they have done wrong.

Does anyone relate to that?