My therapist and I are now working on termination. It was my idea, so I brought it up a few months ago. We have some goals we are working on from a list I made and a list he made. This post is about two things: dealing with and surviving termination of therapy safely, facing a therapist's illness.

The termination phase of therapy has been difficult and painful. I've been in therapy now for a little over 4 years for CPTSD. I know that therapy had to be longer than usual because of the childhood trauma. I became attached to my therapist after such a denial and struggle to run away and self destruct. I realize that this had to happen for me to recover. I needed that relationship, connection, safety, and stability.
Now during termination I find it difficult to deal with the feelings I have about this relationship ending. Intellectually I know therapy does end, and I knew that when I started. However, all my little girl inside wants to do is to climb up on the sofa with her blankie and sit next to my therapist and lay my head on his shoulder. (which I would never do.) I don't know how to get my heart to know what my mind knows, so I am struggling with termination even though it was my idea (with a little influcence from my spouse and sister)
I am hoping someone can she some light on how to get this information from my head to my heart, safely, without acting out.

Secondly, I found out my T has cancer. One day I googled him a few weeks ago and found a site that's helping him fund his treatment. He knows I know. He has a high score on a Gleason test, and I don't think his prognonis is good, but I'm not sure. It's hard for me to talk to him about how I feel about ending therapy because I don't want to stress him out. Somehow this seems to have added another layer to termination as far as feelings, finality, etc. for me. I regret finding out on one hand, however on the other hand it gives me a chance to say goodbye to him and to share with him what therapy has meant to me, and to "her." Again, I would appreciate it if someone could talk about termination, how to get through it, how to get the child to "get it" in her heart, not just in her head. "She" can't imagine how it's going to be without having a weekly check-in call and also seeing him once a week. Since the adult doesn't know what it's going to be like either, both of us are flying blind with fear. I don't want to mess up termination because my therapist has helped me in so many ways to feel again, connect, have hope and joy. My life has changed a great deal and I am able to stay present, deal with my emotions constructively, fear has taken a back seat, anxiety is much better, and so is the depression. My fear is that I will flunk termination because of my feelings and the possibility of me acting out.

Thanks for listening.

Jackson