I am so sorry passionfruit - it probably won't help you but I really want to say reading what she said to you makes me really glad my mum(and main abuser) is dead!

What a horrible awful, horrid thing she said to you. I certainly understand you feeling like you do. And I certainly understand you making the very brave and courageous decision to not see her or have anything to do with you.

I know it will be hard to believe but her response is nothing about you. She tried to reach out to you, when she didn't get the response SHE wanted (ie for you to instantly reply and agree to go see her and do things HER way, she's responding with cruel anger trying to get back at you). It's pretty obvious by her response that she is pissed off! That you did have an affect on her.

But that doesn't make her behaviour ok. I feel so angry and hurt for you on your behalf I want to reach down the computer and bitch-slap her (half kidding <3).

If anything doesn't it just cement the your plan to KEEP THE HELL AWAY FROM HER? It's clear she is nothing but toxic poison and you deserve so much better than her. Truly, honestly.

It might be you need to take the next step and make it clear you want NOTHING to do with her - I suppose you could ask her to never phone or txt you or come around - but maybe that would be too confrontational and it might be better to simply get a block on yr phone so her txts and calls don't ever come through.

Failing that - or as well as that - a restraining order through the police - a trespass order so she is not to come to yr house, and if she does she faces being arrested.

If y do decide to take those steps, get someone to support you to do it. Be strong. It will send a clear message to her that SHE is the problem (not yu) and you do not have to nor will you put up with her abusive sit one minute longer.



Be kind to you and remember It is not you that is the problem here - she is a sick sick woman clearly. You are NOTHING like her nor ever will be

Xox

Ps if it wasn't so cruel and I'd t hurt you, it would almost be funny her saying her life is so much better now without you in it - you could remind her of that when you go serve the biartch with a restraining order 'here you go MOTHER - since you're life is so much better without me in it, you can lap this up - cos my life is certainly a million times better without YOU in it'

(sorry don't mean to offend you with writing that - it just went through my head - hoping it might bring a little smile to your face imagining it)

ElizaJ - THANK YOU for replying so quickly! Your response definitely made me laugh and put a smile on my face. The most comforting thing you said was her response has nothing to do with me. I never thought of that. You're right. She was upset when things didn't go her way, so she was pissed. Her response TOTALLY validated my decision to keep her at a very far distance from me. I saw my T today and he gave me some really good ideas on boundaries and enforcing them. I have asked support from a few friends to help me keep those boundaries because they are hard to keep when you feel powerless. Thanks for encouraging me to stay strong!

Ms Control - It's incredibly difficult to live so close to her. She has keys to my house (supposed to be for emergencies only) and I worry that one day she will come in without knocking. I've been independent of my parents since I was 17, but I have been financially generous with them for the past decade. That has stopped in the past year and I know she's not happy about it. It's amazing how blind I was to all the damage she did until just recently. DH and I just had a discussion tonight about what would happen if she passed. It was sobering to think about and I'm glad we talked it through. We decided to the sake of our sanity and the emotional health of our kids, we will still keep a distance as much as we're able. It's so sad, though. Thanks for being there.

I had several aha moments. One was when ElizaJ said it wasn't about me. It's amazing how automatic it is to internalize what people say. It really wasn't about me, it's about how hurt she was.

I also realized she doesn't respect me. She did two other things this week to push my boundaries after I said no.

Lastly, it's okay for me to not want a relationship with someone who has physically and emotionally abused me my whole life. Unfortunately, she also happens to be my mom. I grew up believing I needed to be completely loyal to my parents, no matter what. But now I know that's not true. What a relief to give myself permission to be separate from my parents and choose to be in relationship with them or not. For now, I choose not.


PassionFruit

(((PF)))

I dont have anything to do with my mum for similar reasons. I moved 400miles from my FOO and then my parents split and she moved in round the corner. I did my best, but her abuses continued, my children suffered. In the end I moved house, so I'm now 3 miles away. I never see her. She has spent the 10 years up here telling people I'm a bad person - how much I let her down (she was doing that all the while eating every day at my house and having me help her all that time). So, she has polluted my home town. Obviously many people knew me already and it is them who have reported their outrage at her behaviour back to me. Others though believe her and I get treated oddly at times by people I don't really know...

PF - her behaviour isn't your fault. She wont change and you are doing the right thing to keep away and keep your family safe from such harmful dynamics. Your kids will grow up knowing that it is ok to protect yourself and say 'enough' and get away from abusive people.

Take gentle care - you are doing well!

sb