Testing them can take the form of many behaviors such as (but not limited to):

Texting them to see how quickly they respond.

Emailing them to see if they will reply.

Canceling or not showing up for appointments to see how they handle that.

Dressing in grubby clothes, not doing your hair or makeup, etc. to see if they show concern for your mental state.

Losing weight.

Talking less than usual to see if they express concern.

Avoiding eye contact to elicit a response in them.

Leaving therapy before the session is over.

Telling them that therapy is fake and that they don't really care about you in order to put them in a position where they have to tell you otherwise.

Pushing their buttons to elicit emotions in an otherwise steady T.

i love it.

i don't do it on purpose, but, tomorrow, i think i might. not as a game, but, i need to see where the relationship is, and i think it is ok. but i want it deeper. he needs to see more of the really flaky side of me that doesn't always make it in there.

it would be funny to 'look like hell' one day and see how they handled it. back in 'the day', with t1, i did.

lately, i dress somewhat for an appt. no sweats, jeans, but, groomed.

would be funny to really get pissy, which i did with 'the women' and slam doors and such!!

oh, i could have a really good temper tantrum. but, super ego won't let me...such a party pooper!! jill

I went in my pajamas once and T2 didn't say anything. It was one of those velour victoria's secret jumpsuits, so maybe she thought it was just my normal clothes. But I had slept in it.

There are some things I have done that I'm sure T interpreted as testing him, but I was so worked up at the time that whatever I was doing (e.g. texting asking for prayer to get calm enough to drive home after a session, because I was too upset) felt real and overwhelming at the time, so it came from a position of honesty and trying to force myself to be open. Also, I was afraid what would happen if he came out, since I was the lest session, and saw me crying in my car, LOL. I do ask about quitting every once in a while, but I go back and forth between whether I want him to tell me it's OK or to tell me to stick with it.

Holding On - I'm wondering too whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. Does it mean he thinks the relationship could be deeper, because you're not testing the boundaries to see if it's safe? Or does he mean he's impressed by your natural boundaries against that sort of behavior? Don't want to put ideas in your head there. Sometimes, it seems my T almost dares me to test him (encouraging me to start texting him several months ago and requesting I report certain behaviors that I told him were easier to manage if I kept them to myself). I wish he would just allow me to "manage" myself in the way that works for me, but I guess I'm there because those mechanisms are broken.

STRM - You just described exactly what I meant. When I'm in the middle of the behavior, it wasn't intended as a test, but looking back at those actions when I'm not completely overwhelmed by whatever triggered me to do them, I feel pretty certain at least some of them are tests.

Monte, did you really do that? You're hysterical!!!

I tested T last week. I asked him for something I knew he'd say no to because I wanted to see how he would react and I wanted to see how I would feel when he said no. I had to prepare myself for when I really want something from him. I'm sure I've tested him in other ways but was unaware of it. Last week was definitely planned and intentional.

I don't intentionally test my T on a conscious level, but I am usually able to recognize it after the fact.

Oh yeah, I tested his voicemail system. now I leave messages just for him on his voicemail instead of leaving messages for his secretary. I tested it out first to see if he got his messages. I needed to know if I left a desperate one some day, that he would get it. And, yes, that day came. I also tested him in terms on contacting him on a weekend. I needed to know I could call him if I needed to. Only did that once. I try to deal with my separation anxiety.

Monte,

Sorry to make light of the situation with the car. You must have been in a lot of pain if you left the appointment early. It takes a lot of courage for you to write the emails you did and to go back soon to face him.

Thanks for all of your thought provoking replies.
After reading everyone's input, I think actually that I have tested my P. Could it be that he just doesn't know it. I call it more like manipulative behavior. Do you think that is the same?

It could be the same thing. I know some of the stuff I do feels really manipulative to me afterward. But, feeling manipulated or manipulative is one of my issues (it's a Mom thing)...so I read that into a lot of areas.

Maybe this would be a good opportunity to bring those things to light. Like say, "I think maybe I have tested you." I know that would be scary to do, though. I have admitted to T when I am unclear on my motives for things I do, like they seem to be real at the time, but later I think they were tests/manipulations. But, so far, I can only admit those things in writing, except once where I admitted to things feeling real one moment and seeming like lies the next.

Hey, I say if our Ts get to test us, we should be able to test them back. After all, we are the ones paying them to do a job. Might as well test it out just like we would test drive a car we are considering buying.

I agree with LadyGrey on testing them. I do it and I think it makes sense. They do need to show they are trustworthy.

My T told me last session that from her perspective I've been testing her since Day 1. (I've been going to her for a year and a half.) It's probably true, except that it hasn't always been consciously.

I think a client needs to test their T before they can deeply trust them. But it is very painful when the T does NOT pass the test. Also painful when in the process we rub up against boundaries that we weren't expecting.

I agree with Lady Grey too.

I've been testing my T (not really on purpose though). Sometimes I will get really angry with him and make little snarky comments. He is usually so calm though. But sometimes he'll be sarcastic back, which is a little more fun than his normally calm demeanor. I'm pretty new to therapy so I've been slowly testing the waters with my T. I think the whole process helps establish trust for me, like if this person can see me at my worst (bad attitude and all) and doesn't run away then I know that it will be ok.