text message to T. REGRETS!

frogMember

I am so sad right now because of T. Of course. Nobody else has this inpact on me. I had my session today, nothing particular about it, just some vague passive-anger towards him. After the session, the sadness entered fully, i havent been able to do anything but think about my T afterwards. I didnt manage to go to class, nor stay at school today, nobody there knows i am in therapy, and can understand any of it,(not blaming them) and i am isolationg myself totally. Anyway; i just did the most stupid thing. Again. I wrote a text to my T just now in desperation to let him know how i feel. But still i hate that i wrote the text. I wrote that i became sad after the session, and that i feel everything we talked about today suddently turned sad (we talked about things i *should* look forward) and i wrote (like i am 8 years old, childish, i know, but i cant help myself!) that "hi..(..)everything got sad today, you are dumb and i am too sad all of a sudden and i am going into exile, just writing this text to see if it helps. frog".

No reply.

Its been 30 minuts since i pushed "send"-button and i REGRET! SO BADLY! I both want him to reply (btw: i usually never text him about my stuff, we dont do that. unspoken boundries.) just so i know he read it and know, but i realize now that he wont answer. And its killing me and i dont understad why i cant just leave it. It feels like the whole world and my life depends on that text reply from my T... i cant describe it differently. aarrrg. I hate that my T has this power. When did that happen? It is so waste of energy and drainging to wait for his (stupid) reply. And really, what is there to reply on such a text?

What really makes it more complicated, is the fact that i dunno if he even got the text message, because last time i sent him (just about an appt.time) he didnt got the text because of trubble with his phone. It might still be a trubble with his phone. (and my T is old and really dont handle his new phone very well. Thats actually a bit charming about him though...) This was last week, and my T said i should have called him, when i dindt heard back from him instead of going insane, confuzed and sad about not hearing back from him. He said that with sinsere voice, but yet..this is different isnt it?

... i cant believe i wrote "you are dumb" how old am i???!!! i dont even mean that. Stupid.

IF he got it, and read it, as is most likely (but i hope not) the case- he will for sure bring it up somehow next session monday. And i wount be able to explain the sadness reaction, its just simply a reaction i cant explain and i have no reasons. Ok, i have, but i dont WANNA TELL HIM WHY..but i bet the "what do you look forward to"-stupid session today triggered it badly somehow..just flip-flopped everything.

I dunno what triggered it.. Today My T DID said he knew that i hate changes and dont like talking about my future. Still he keeps pushing me to look forward. At least it feels like he does. I felt like he also said that "we"/my therapy wount last forever, and that life is about changes and blabla... same speach, same words, same small gently pushes and demands i cant reach. He said I was the one that had all this demands for myself, and that i was mistaken them from comming from him. (is that classical projection?)That i make him sound like demanding and rigid. That i am angry at him (sub-text) because "he`s become a symbole of changes and future opposite to the safe and stabile now and the past.." due to the "picture" i have of him as demanding me to change and look forward... I couldnot answer. I dont remember, just propably nodding or mumbling some blabla.. I cant force my self to fullheartly grasp the future as long as i know he`s not a part of it..

sorry- that was a sidetrack (everything in this poster is just sidetracks anyways)

But i cant call (seriously, its friday night over here now) and there is no way i can send another text to ask "did you got my text this time?" (how stupid will that be, if its still his phone that is the trubble?) and still i cant wait untill monday not hearing from him. I realize this all must sound totally over-dramatic, and out of proportion but it IS so dramatic in my head, and my feelings refuses to listen to my rational part. I NEED him to answer today. No, i just need to know if he got the text. Darn. Otherwise i will keep being trapped in this hole of sadness that i dont even understand.

It feels like i am being punished for sending the text, that my T think i am the most pathetic person right now. Or even worse; he will think i sent the text just to make him sad..make a point or something. gosh..i dunno, my fantazies are just spinning wild and i cant stop it.

I know i will think differently about this tomorrow. This is such a classic issue for me, i been here before. oh, thanks for letting me vent dear forum folks (again.) It helps!

ps: Its been an hour now, since i sent the text.

10/15/1010:43 AM

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macMember

Hey Frog.
Did you consider sending your T another text and saying something like "Sorry about that last text, didnt mean it" or whatever you want to say.

So you're figuring that he won't respond? Just because it's been an hour doesn't mean he won't text you back at all- unless he doesn't text.

This is a tricky situation! It's understandable that you're freaking out, there are so many different outcomes and the unknown is scary!!

-mac

10/15/1011:31 AM

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frogMember

McLove,

thanks, i`m considering sending a new text, just the way you wrote it. Just the risk by doing that, is the disapoinment of not have that responded neither. I really dont know whether i should send another text or leave it. Its allready late over here, and friday night is a REALLY tentative timing of texting a T, whom i dont even really text in general. Actually- everything with my T is sort of tentative in this moment of my Therapy. Despite that i`ve been with my T for almost 2 years, things are getting intens and complex and this text doesnt make it less complicated.

Maybe i should wait og see, by tomorrow he MUST have beEn checked he`s phone..

i will propably leave him a "sorry- text" if i dont hear from him before monday. i guess i`ll just have to try to focus on something else in the meantime and hope for the best and stop worry that i might have done something totally harmful.

mac

yes- I figured he wont respond, not tonight and that may very well be just because he`s not checking his phone. I hope that is the case, and not that he DID got the text and just chose to ignore it because of the content. (he must be shocked that i called him dumb- thats something i would never dared to sy out loud in session!)
Bleh..

are your T ok with you texting him? what are the damn texting things about?? what are the "texting"-boundries anyway?

10/15/1012:08 PM

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halsMember

Oh Frog....how I know what you are going through! I sometimes wonder how I can be "adult" enough to be raising kids, working, etc...and then I slip into this childish behavior with T. I would echo what Maclove said and think about sending another or if you can "sit" with the uncomfortableness (is that even a word

) of it all, you could journal how you are feeling and when you go to your next appointment, just let him know you have to get something off your chest.

I don't text, I email and when I am in the throws of one of my emotional meltdowns, I can sometimes even logically tell myself...don't do it...it's childish...but it seems as though I just can't stop myself. I hit send and immediately a weight is lifted. I think, there, now T knows what I'm going through! Then, the weight hits me right upside the head about 2 minute later and the "what the hell did you just do" kicks in. Vicious cycle I tell you...vicious. T and I have never talked about this in the detail that I sometimes would like to. I just want to ask him...why the hell do I do this? He must know right?

Anyway...I hope you are feeling better...I hope the more minutes go by since you sent the text, the more "ok" you are. Hang in there...nothing about this therapy is easy! Nothing I tell you!

Hals

10/15/1012:34 PM

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frogMember

quote:

I hit send and immediately a weight is lifted. I think, there, now T knows what I'm going through! Then, the weight hits me right upside the head about 2 minute later and the "what the hell did you just do" kicks in. Vicious cycle I tell you...vicious.

quote:

Hals, i had to qote that and add a big smiley because it made me laugh- just that it really point out so clearly this very "vicious cycle". Thanks for sharing this hals! Love the way you put it..

as for the minuts goes by- its rather the opposite with me- it gets worse. BUT: i am ok, i will try to "sit" with this (yep- i get the word hals!) uncomfortableness. And yes, indeed we should talk with our T`s about this in detail. Uhg..i am gonna hate that conversation though.

10/15/1012:49 PM

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macMember

quote:
Originally posted by Frog:
are your T ok with you texting him? what are the damn texting things about?? what are the "texting"-boundries anyway?

Good questions. Every T’s texting boundaries are different- just like everyone’s therapies are different. My T does allow texting.

Maybe it won’t be the most horrible thing in the world to talk about the text with him? Yeah, it might be awkward but what you said in the text were real feelings even if you regret sharing them. The conversation could lead to something good.

10/15/101:00 PM

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frogMember

Teta- yes, of course you understand

Thanks for asking; The last time, a week ago, he didnt answer because he had lost his phone in the woods (lol, he was on vacation that weekend). So he didnt even got the text.

He was therefor really surprised when i came to session, stressed and asked him if he had gotten my text, and why he didnt answer it.

But, before that it has taken him often 1-2 days before he replies. Especially in weekends as he dont uses his phone much.

yes, teta- no surprise he wasnt angry at you. Its my number one guess always (or fear) that my T is angry at me. Yeah..lots of old history that pops up along that fear of mine

10/15/102:20 PM

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puppetMember

hi frog,
i have a feeling your T will know that what you said was coming from the 'little' you who was perhaps in a lot of pain, and that you didn't mean it... and maybe he will even be proud of you for letting the 'little you' have a voice.

but i am sorry you have to wait in agony for his reaction.

puppet

10/15/103:46 PM

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driftyMember

My T allows text, email, and cell phone. I seldom phone unless I have to cancel an appointment (which is rare) and I would if there was some kind of emergency with me. I text infrequently but do use it for something short or if I am about to explode with something. I email a lot, with thoughts, rememberings, informative stuff about me. He will always respond to phone and text to at least ackowledge - although it isn't always promptly. Sometimes he replies to email, but I don't expect it -- but of course am always happy when he does.

Frog, I think your text was fine. It took guts to blurt what you were feeling. I always trust that my T isn't taking it personally - he is viewing the outburst all in context of what was going on with me. I doubt he will really think that you think he is dumb. I get angry with mine all the time -- I have been crazy angry -- and what I love most about him is that he makes it OK to do it and figure it out. He has a thick skin, an appreciation of what I'm like, and a brilliant sense of humor - which makes ALL the difference in letting me trust him.

Trust him more to understand you. Don't worry about the text an don't worry about telling him why. That's why he's there. Tell him. That's what it's all about.

10/16/1012:26 AM

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jillMember

frog, all i can say is, go easy on yourself. yes, the send button is a dangerous button, and as much as i try to abstain from EVER hitting it, at times i do, and regret it deeply.

although one recent 'send' i regretted, turned out to be ok, i just stuck my neck out in a kind effort that afterwards i thought was so silly, and it was actually well received. so, i just naturally hang my head low, but sometimes there are things that need to be said.

who knows, maybe this is something helpful to discuss, and you know he does not, i hope and feel confident in, take your 'dumb' remark too seriously. y'no?? we ARE in therapy?? we aren't running for elected office, y'no??? so, don't hang your head low, look at it with some humor when you come in, some CURIOUSITY as to WHY you said that. approach it that way, rather than from shame....it your t is good, and i assume he is, that should be the angle of exploration.

yes, i do hate when they try to move you forward past the bad stuff to looking at the positives, seems so trite, and we can do that....it's the bad that we need help unraveling. it feels DISMISSIVE and INVALIDATING to me when they do this. and really PI$$E$ me off!! was that how you were feeling???

you've gotten good advise here from others, chin up sweetheart, just march on, and use it as insight...(easy for me to say, i know!!)) jill

10/16/107:28 AM

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lamplighterMember

Oh Frog, I wish I had something helpful to say. I don’t use texts (I’m a luddite, don’t even use a mobile phone except as an emergency thing in the car) and these days wouldn’t even email a T (I used to with first longish term T beginning of the year, but even then I tapered off, finding that sending him stuff in between sessions wasn’t really helping.)

But I can really sympathize with your having sent him a spontaneous text saying what you really felt and then immediately panicking and regretting it. I hope by now he has answered you. But even if he hasn’t, I should think that being the good T that he is, he’s not going to get offended or take personally what you’ve said. I’m sure he’s been called much worse things than dumb, before. And I’d also be pretty sure that he understands very clearly that your calling him dumb is telling more about how you’re feeling than how you really see him. (Though that doesn’t mean that he can’t be dumb sometimes!)

Maybe, just maybe it would do you good to show him a bit of anger - and see that it’s not going to make him reject you or punish you or treat you like a ‘bad’ client. Yeah I’m inclined to think that maybe your fears about having to change, to have to look to the future and be pushed to do and feel things you aren’t ready to, maybe that is coming from you more than from him (though it doesn’t help that he says things like, he won’t be there forever wtf??? Not the kind of comment calculated to instil confidence and certainty. Hm, thinking about it I wonder if that isn’t why you suddenly felt sad? Lol just me trying to interpret - take it as a throw away thought and not meant to mean anything deeper.)

I’m sorry I’ve come late to reply, I hope by now you are feeling a bit less self hating about this. And that you’re not feeling too freaked out about tomorrow’s session.

Big big hugs to you Frog ((((( Froglet )))))

LL

10/17/106:10 AM

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frogMember

dear folks- i only have a minute now, i am running to see my T. I wrote a LONG respond to each of you yesterday- wanted to comment and thank for all the inputs and interprets and the kind words- BUT (ARRG) something happended- and the poster was somehow deleted..

i was so frustrated when i found out and i wasout of energy to give it a second try. Yet- just wanted to let you know i read your posters (which i HAVE thought about alot) am very thankful for the recent replies- THANKS YOU!

its plenty to things to update on: I DID got a text form T. I asked late yesterday, whether he got my text or not,(sent a new text after a million times back and forth about it) and he replied immidiatly that he did got it friday(!) and had responded to it after some minuts. !!?!?! wtf?!?!
some error must have failed me to recieve the text. what is wrong with the technology these days?

So..some back and forth texting with him yesterday- but i am still kind of angry and hurtet- and now i really dont jnow why- since He obviously DID respond to the text..

I am gonna go there now- i am still sad and angry with him- and ask what he wrote back.. i will mabye update about the session later. To confuzed, nervous and weird about the whole thing now.
thanks again!

10/18/102:37 AM

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