Hey Butterfly, Sometimes it is hard to put the feelings into words - you have done a good job. I was always hesitant to tell my T about "my online forum" but she really sees everyone I write to as a support system for me. I always have had to have a link with T and need to email. I think through my typing - this forum helps me fill that need to type and to process and also helps keep me connected to so many people. I didn't realise how important it was. This group keeps me grounded and safe between T visits.

No one would care that you don't contribute every day or even every week or month - I am sure that everyone wants you to write to keep in contact as much as you can and to use the collective knowledge and support in whatever way you can

(((((BUTTERFLY))))

It's so hard not to have anyone to talk to. Is your T coming back anytime soon? Have you considered looking for a new one?

Therapy is such an isolating experience, isn't it? Who in the real world, unless they've gone to therapy, could really understand how much we come to feel for our T's?

Always love to see you posting when you feel up to it.

xoxo

Liese

It's always nice to know that we are helping others. I am fairly new to the forum and since that time my therapy has been very intense. But I've healed a lot. I echo Liese's questions and hope your therapy becomes more active.

Thank you SomeDays, I am glad this place helps you to process too.

To answer your questions Liese and ND, I don't know anything more about my T's return which is meant to be soon. What I do know is that I have been holding out for her for so long that it has stopped me from being able to fully live my life. I think there will be too many factors getting in the way of going back. It is possible that I may need to find a way to let go of her and move on (any suggestions would be greatly appreciated), rather than living on a dream. Not long to go now before hopefully I know what is going on. I am not sure about a new T, I think I have to wait and see what happens with the old one first.

I am glad I found this place when I did, but I also wonder if it is another reason for me to hold onto something that isn't real for me anymore?

Butterfly

) Butterfly
What ever happens with t or not, you have as much right to post here as any of us actively engaged in t do or want to. I would hope that you continue to do so as we all can learn from each other whether or not we are 'in therapy' at any given moment (just like you did for me the other day )JMB

(((((Butterfly))))

I think your situation is particularly hard because there is still the hope in you that you will be able to reconnect with your attachment figure...so you are never allowed to grieve fully and move on from there (and it *is* agony, because it is like reliving the past sense of being left too soon, before we were ready to go on our own as children) so you are left in this state of limbo, just hanging there, hoping that she will come back, or something will happen that will allow you/force you to move on. It's a agonizing waiting place, and I know it well. My heart really goes out to you, it is a terrible place to be in. But just think this- right now, you are suffering with this sense of losing your T, hoping to get her back again, and being unable to move on from there. I want to suggest very, very gently...that it was a very difficult position for your T to put you in. I understand why she did it, but I still think that she could have left well enough alone...and then you could have moved on, grieved, and found another T to work with...and if, perchance, she moved back to your area, she could have let you know that at that point, and your could have resumed work with her if you still chose to. Ok- no use crying over spillt milk. What's done is done, and the hope that your T will move back is in you. I sincerely and fervently hope for your sake that she does. But- it simply must be resolved my dear, you cannot go on living like this, it hurts too much and for too long. That is why I firmly believe that you should contact your T and tell her exactly what is happening for you, how this hope is living on in you and you cannot grieve, not can you hope too much- and can she give you some answers and some resolution. Here you are, hanging in there waiting...and a decision may have already been reached on her end. If you have means of contacting her...(phone would be best, IMO) please Butterfly, Flutterby...do so, and get the answers you so desperately need. I know how much it would hurt to walk away...it feels truly impossible. But it is not impossible. Nor will it kill you- it will just hurt, awfully- but you have survived much worse, and you will survive this too, should she tell you to move on, or that she is not coming back.

(((((((Flutterby))))) I am so sorry for the pain...be kind to yourself, be very gentle- it hurts very badly, I know, so go gently with yourself.

Much love,

BB

Thank you JMB!

BB, thank you for understanding how hard this all is is for me.

Butterfly

((butterfly))
i hope she comes back soon! i am angry at her for making you wait so long do you think you'll find out a definite date from her? why couldn't she do that, if she was planning to come back anyway, couldn't she have set a date and told her clients?
sorry, i'm not helping
it just hurts to see you wait like this. i hate waiting too! hope you can feel free to post whenever you need support, we're here for you.



puppet

I'm sorry too butterfly that you have been waiting so long without knowing when she was coming back. I'd find that really difficult too
Please use your friends here to support you, it's always good to talk with you, T or no T,

starfishy

Thanks Puppet and Starfishy.

I think my T let me know she was hoping to return at some point so I would have something to hold onto but it was never a definite, hence no exact date. We treated it like a termination, its my fault as I have kept a very close hold of that information. I now know she is planning to return soon, but am not sure I am in a position to go back to her which is why I am still struggling with it.

Beebs sorry I deleted what I wrote, I am soooo very paranoid she is going to read here and know this is me. I did contact her a little while back to find out. I don't think I would have been able to handle it if I hadn't had the hope of her return to cling onto, but at the same time I can see it has caused alot of extra pain.

I need to leave here for a bit. Thanks for all your care .

Butterfly

((((BUTTERFLY))))

Will miss you. Take good care of yourself while you are gone.

xoxo

Liese