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Thanksgiving

heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
I thought I would create this thread to be a place where anyone who would like to can write about how they will be experiencing Thanksgiving this year, and about whatever thoughts and feelings they may be grappling with regarding that. I'm sure for many of us, there are tensions and mixed feelings regarding the holidays.

This is the first year I will be celebrating Thanksgiving without family, either mine or H's. I have a large extended Italian family-- grandmother, lots of aunts and uncles, cousins galore. Most typically I spend Thanksgiving with them. It is noisy and festive, to say the least. During my childhood and teen years I used to revel in being a part of these gatherings and this clan. That started to change a little after I became an adult. Maybe partly because of my anxiety issues, partly in response to troubling life events, I was becoming more introverted and quiet and the holidays often felt jarring. Like I was out of my element, out of tune. Depression, perhaps? Since starting therapy and especially reading about family systems theory, it's been a bit worse, because I notice all the dysfunctional patterns of relating I wasn't quite clued into before. I kind of hate this, feel like in a way therapy has ruined me.

This year I'm finding myself struggling with some health issues (temporary ones), that make travel and long car rides difficult, so I won't be making the family gathering this year. I have a close friend that leaves nearby who is in a similar boat. She's far from family and doesn't have the means to travel right now. I decided to invite her and her H and kids over for Thanksgiving dinner. It should be fun. Her children are the same ages as mine and they play together nicely. Her H is likeable and good natured and gets on well with mine. Tomorrow we are getting together and planning the holiday menu, deciding who will cook what, etc.

I realized last night that I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving more than I have looked forward to one in a long time! I'm excited about decorating my house, cooking some of my favorite holiday dishes, and having a low key, stress free time with my husband and kids and our friends. I am not feeling any sorrow over missing my family's gathering at all.

And I feel sort of terrible about that.

Phew, sorry so long. Next, anyone?
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kashleykashleyMember
(((Held))) I'm sorry you're having some health troubles lately, although I'm glad it looks like this may be a good Thanksgiving!

The holidays have always been a tumultuous time for me because of lots of family stuff. It's going to be different this year, because it's going to be the first year that I don't have to worry about being around my father. Since I broke off contact with him, he made other plans for both Thanksgiving and Christmas (although I think he'd already planned on going somewhere else for Thanksgiving since he didn't even bring it up in the midst of his tirades about my decision to cut off contact). It's just going to be my mother and me this year, which might be relaxing. I just have a hard time with the holidays in general, though, and I've also been very emotional the past few weeks, so I'm hoping I don't end up in tears the whole time.

I did get to enjoy a fun afternoon at work yesterday. We had a Thanksgiving pot luck with tons of delicious food and lots of laughs, so I've tried to hold that in as a positive experience for the holidays. If nothing else, I had a great afternoon with some great people.

Thanks for sharing, HIC, and thanks for the thread.

kmaykmayMember
What a great thread...
Although it's a hard one for me to talk about, I like that we can all share about it. Aahhh Thanksgiving. I call it my favorite holiday, but its also the hardest time of the year for me in general. Some trauams that occurred right around this time several years in a row are to thank for that. Anyhow, I do have some fond memories from when I was younger. My cousins came every year to our house for Thanksgiving. I guess I wasn't old enough yet to realize the dysfunction that was going on, or maybe it just wasn't as bad at that time yet. I don't know, but I just remember being so excited to see my cousins every year. 2 girl cousins, just my age and it was a week long slumber party Smiler However, they stopped coming after the year that my Dad drank too much and did something so awful to offend my Aunt (I don't know to this day what that was) that they left on a plane in the middle of the night. So anyways, I have very mixed feelings about the holidays...and ALOT Of anxiety.
But good news is...I am an adult now. I am in control of how I spend my Holidays. I am having Thanksgiving at my house! (Where I can control the environment...best part!) - Gonna find a new brine recipe for the Turkey online this week. Gonna be lots of people in this little house, but it will be fun. Family, and my kiddies cousins and some close friends Smiler
Also, my daughters Birthday the Sunday after Thanksgiving so we have a big Birthday Party too! Yikes!
smileysmileyMember
Thanksgiving this year is going to be quiet. Kids are all going other places. I could still cook for me and my other half, but who cares really? All that fuss -

I'm not big on holidays anymore. Family is always a pain in the butt. too many expectations too many disappointments. Personally i'd rather just sleep all day until it passes.
blubluMember
Not sure what I will be doing Thanksgiving. My kids are going other places too and I have a couple invites but don't know yet if I want to go or not.

Mostly, I miss my husband. This is the 9th Thanksgiving without him and I keep thinking the holidays will be easier, but they're not. Oh, I have learned to live differently, and its not the raw pain it once was, but there is still a big void this time of year without him.

Blu
L lieseMember
I hate the holidays. Not sure if I have a particular reason. It may be the baggage from my trauma and feeling as though I always had to have a smile on my face when I was dying inside. And feeling even more pressure to smile at holiday time because we are supposed to be so happy to be with our families, you know, the people I lack intimacy with.

In the past, I think I've tended to wish and wish as hard as I could to be with T in some crazy emotional way. This year, I've been doing a lot of grieving and I'm not sure I'll be able to pull that one off. So, I'm left facing a holiday that I'm not really looking forward to.

That was such a grim thought but then today, I had an epiphany. So who cares if I'm not looking forward to Thanksgiving? Why not embrace those feelings instead of trying to run away from them? You know what? I'm feeling a little better about it all from that angle.

How is everyone else doing?
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Liese... that is a really good way to look at it. Like giving yourself permission to not be so thrilled about the day. Takes some of the pressure off of you.

I was never particularly triggered over Thanksgiving for some reason... until... the year that my oldT abandoned me. That happened in August and by November I was still traumatized and shell-shocked over his abrupt abandonment and I was already committed to having Thanksgiving at my house. I just kept thinking back to the email I had sent him the year before on Thanksgiving telling him all I had to be thankful for (and yes, most of it related back to him and our relationship). He wrote me back a really lovely email that made me feel warm all through the holiday. And then the following year I had LOST it ALL. Everything on that list was just gone. I can clearly remember laying in bed and suddenly it started to snow big flakes and that made me even more depressed because it was snowing the day I first met my oldT.

The effort it took to get up, dress and cook for my guests was tremendous. Luckily I had invited a VERY chatty neighbor and I didn't have to make much conversation LOL. My family was helpful and it all went okay. At least I survived it and fell with relief into bed that night.

So now I find this time of year very triggering as I have emotional flashbacks to those days of being so shell shocked I could not function and the pain of losing an attachment figure.

This year I am having my sister and her family. Not too many of us and things are under control. I managed to get a day off from work tomorrow to prepare and do some housework. My really wonderful T, knowing that I'm struggling with horrible work issues and with Thanksgiving on my usual session day... fit me in on Wednesday for my second session. That truly was a loving gesture on his part. I need to remember that.

Blu, I'm sorry you are missing your dh so badly. I hope you can do something that brings you some peace.

Smiley... I think you deserve a nice dinner with your partner, even if it's only a bowl of pasta or some takeout. Treat yourself special. You deserve it.

Hugs to hic, Kashley and kmay with wishes that the day goes better than you can imagine right now.

TN
B bltMember
Thanksgiving traditionally has been a holiday I enjoyed. I would spend it with my dad's family and there would be a full house and lots of good food. However, recently I moved away from that area, and this year I'll be spending the day with my in-laws, who I am less excited about. However, I think we're going to a potluck at our church after spending some time with them, and that is something I'm looking forward to.

A few years ago I had the worst Thanksgiving of my life. Someone in my family found something really private I had written, read all of it, notified me of that ON Thanksgiving itself, and later berated me about it. So I've had some not-so-good associations ever since, but they are getting better over time.

I guess one positive thing I can point to is how much better off I am now than this time last year. Last Thanksgiving, I was missing oldT terribly over the holiday, and my nervous system was so keyed up that I broke a dish and screamed twice while trying to cook dinner. This year I'll be seeing T today and then at our normal time next week, so I only have to wait one more day to see her than I usually do. I feel much calmer, too Smiler

To everyone trying to get through a difficult time of year.
L lieseMember
(((HIC)))



(((KASHLEY)))



(((KMAY)))




(((SMILEY)))



((((BLU)))



(((TN)))

Let's thank God this Thanksgiving for chatty people. They've saved my butt more than once or twice.

(((BLT)))

It gave me a little chuckle to read that you screamed twice while making dinner. My first thought was, only twice? That was terrible, though, what that family member did to you. Frowner



Don't know what everyone else is doing today and how you all are feeling about the holiday. I think it's okay NOT to feel thankful and instead acknowledge life is hard and holidays are hard. It's not a bad idea to try to look for the positive things in life on a regular basis but, then again, when things haven't been the easiest and you aren't sure you see any point in being here in general, IDK but I don't think it's a bad idea to just be okay with that. Maybe that actually frees us up from the chains that tie us to the past and then we can focus on making a life that has meaning for us?

I AM thankful that I've been feeling emotionally stable for 2 days straight! No sadness creeping in. No feelings of despair. Trying to hold onto that!
heldincompassionheldincompassionMember
((((((hugs above))))))

Sorry I have not posted again on this thread until now. I have been a little preoccupied with my own conflicted feelings when it comes to Thanksgiving these last few days, and just felt like I didn't have much to say in reply to others on the topic. But it is very much the truth that you are all heard and in my thoughts.

I'm doing okay as of today. Actually quite enjoying preparing for the holiday myself without my mother, grandma, and aunts and all of their hovering and squawking. I do feel a little guilty about that as I mentioned before, but am trying to do what Liese said, just accept the feelings as okay and what they are. I will see them all at Christmas anyway.

I just prepared a brine for my turkey. This is a first for me (that is, I've done roasted turkeys before a couple times but this is my first attempt at brining ahead of time). I had fun mixing the spices and am pretty curious to see how he turns out. Unfortunately I had to dilute the brine some to get it to cover the turkey in the ice chest. I kept adding water and wondering why it never seemed to be enough to cover it, then realized the durn thing was floating. lol, I didn't know turkeys would float, did you?

Okay, enough of my culinary ramblings.

Take gentle care, everyone,
-heldincompassion
closeddoorscloseddoorsMember
HAHAHAH!! HIC, that is hilarious! i didn't know turkeys could swim, either! LOL

i'm okay right now with going to my brother's for Thanksgiving. past years have been reeeeaaaallly difficult. putting on a face and trying to fit in. we've had a few get-togethers within the last couple months and i've been pretty good, actually had a half-way decent time for a change. so, my mindset is good at the moment as far as Tgiving goes. my brother will do the turkey, and everybody else brings a dish to share (potluck as it's called here in the mid-west). i'm bringing twice-baked potatos and a pecan pie.

the nice thing is, my home is only 15 minutes away and i will drive myself and my kids. if things get too unbearable i can leave any time! Smiler

good luck and hugs to all of you dealing with difficult holidays. they can suck big time

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