Don't worry, I enjoy and appreciate your input. I saw my name pop up as the most recent post on several threads and kind of freaked out that I look like obsessive or neglectful to my child (which I know I'm not, because she was napping during most of my posts and I tend to write pretty quickly).
I hope T knows it has nothing to do with trusting or not trusting him, because the depth we've gotten to in such a short period of time is honestly astonishing to me and I've actually praised his ability to get there with me several times. He reads all of my stuff, but sometimes when we converse, I'm not sure it has all gotten through in the manner intended. When I journal, I try to forget he will be reading it and send after just a quick glance. If I sit on it and reread it later to send, I will evaluate it differently in another "state" and almost manipulatively change things to be less revealing sometimes. On occasion, I reread what I've sent multiple times, having a different reaction (that's so true; that's complete bs; why the eff did you share that particular thing; etc.) each time.
Anyway, there are whole entries on the absence of touch in my upbringing and how I feel touch necessary for me to access my emotions, but so intimidated about receiving it. After sending that one, I panicked: "I hope he doesn't think I'm trying to manipulate him into holding my hand or something." LOL. I have described what my "switching" feels like, given a detailed chart of my "states," described my anxiety/blanking in detail, given a list of things that help me talk with others, a list of topics I do want to talk about and those I'm not so sure on, shared poetry that popped into my head and past poetry so he could meet teenage me. But, the sheer volume of my processing means we don't actually talk about much of it, so I don't have a good sense of how he has received that information. He suggested and I agreed to slow down my processing a bit, because of the negative reactions I was having, so I'm only writing when my thoughts are really overwhelming, causing insomnia, etc., instead of daily.
He once offered to bring in the crayons and let me color during a session, which actually made me feel a bit insulted (as if I were immature). He wanted to have me draw with my non-dominant (left) hand. I eventually was intrigued, but since I had already said, "No thanks" three times, I felt weird about changing my mind, and he liked me asserting my boundaries enough to not offer it again.
I'm not sure about taking a walk, because due to my husband's work hours, my daycare job and my daughter's schedule, I usually end up taking a session between 7 and 9 pm. I like walking at night and the weather has been great out here, but I'm not sure how comfortable either of us would be doing that together in the dark...
I honestly wish I were comfortable asking him to even just sit on the same side of the room as me. Having the coffee table between us feels like a chasm; this side of the line--me; that side of the line--you. I suppose things will happen in their own time or one of us will get frustrated enough to push it along somehow. It gets problematic though, because being on the edge of feeling, but chained up, all session means that when leaving triggers that severe abandonment-related depression, I can get stuck in the parking lot for 30-60 minutes trying to get right before driving home.
