Hi Karie,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling this week.

quote:

I still want to be a kid ...as kids should be - FREE - no cares believing that summers last forever, that mom and dad are rich and they'll live forever, I want to be a kid

If only it were all so easy as going back to that time in childhood where everything seemed to be alright. Somehow you'd still end up as an adult with responsibilities! It's really some freakin cruel joke I think!

quote:

I say to hell with it. I'm Off to some south pacific island

I think that you shouldn't travel there alone .. so lemme know when your going and I'll come along too You might need some brave butch chick to keep you safe from the island natives LMAO

{{{KARIE}}} If you wanna chat, or have a laugh, you know where to find me

Be well!

Karie and Holly,

Hey, I'm in too! Which island are we going to?

I totally hear what you guys are saying about not wanting to be a grown up. It just doesn't seem fair, all of the responsibilities that we have. It's just too much at times.

Karie,

Sorry you're so depressed. What does your P suggest doing about it?

catgirl

Sounds like Gilligan's Island!
Where oh where is IHTS !!! Youuuu whooooo KARIE ... when are we leaving !?!?!?!

CG, I wonder if she left without us!?!?!

Ha! you two are funny.

Yep, Gilligans Island appeals to me....more than southern Ontario at the moment.
Wouldn't it be awesome to just slip away into some make believe place,.....and stay there!!!?

Yeah, depression describes it pretty well, I guess. My shrink hasn't said to do anything about it...other than she has increased my sessions to 3x/wk and the week before last I saw her 4x. I figure she already knows I wouldn't take any meds anyway....I'm a rather unusual psych nurse....I'm quite against the medication route... I've used them and they haven't helped, only made me worse....I'm not terribly compliant either

Just wanted to say as well, PACK YOUR SUITCASES....cause if things get any more messy I might make a quick exit to the island (pretty well any island will do as long as its far away and warm!!). I'll post a message and let you know I'm coming and you can jump on the train out of here too.....actually might be nice if we took a truck load of friends along with us .

Karie

Karie,

I think that I'm at a point where if we (Manitoba) could EVER get a temperature over 22 degrees, I'd hike a few trails in a Provincial Park and find myself a secluded little beach where I can just sit and be alone .. somewhere you can scream at the top of your lungs and no one will bother you! Mind you, that might really suck if I slip off a rock, and fall into a brisk moving lake and get sucked into the falls or something!! Maybe I better rethink the 'going alone' part!!!

I'll be packed woman !!!

Holly, sounds like what I did today.

I went with a friend to a nat'l park, where we hiked into this gorge, and went swimming in the river at the bottom of the gorge. At one point, we were all alone at the swimming hole. I yelled at the top of my lungs, threw my clothes off, and jumped in. I'm glad the current didn't take me away. That would have been weird to be swept downstream naked.

When we go to Gilligan's island, or wherever, we can all do stuff like this. You guys will have to go out of your way to get me though. Hey, maybe you'll want to stay here. The weather's nice.

Karie,
I hope the increased sessions help. I'm on anti-depressants, myself. I'm only taking a small dose, 5 mgs/day. It is what's helping me remain stable. I guess the meds react differently with everyone, though. Keep us posted as to how it's going.

catgirl

Damn CG, did you have to tell me you went swimming NAKED!!!??? You keep changing how I look (or don't look) at you!!! Karie, I think we might have to bypass 'sunny California' on our way to the island .. CG sounds like she MIGHT be a BAD influence on us Canucks!! LMAO And CG, QUIT braging about the weather out there! It makes me wanna cry, I'm going to have to talk about this in my session now, so if I start to cry I can 'feel' it and experience it with my P so she doesn't feel left out. Sheesh, all this planning around feelings - no wonder they say Therapy is hard work!!

CT, I'd rather not be on any meds too, that's why I took myself off of the Effexor so quick. It doesn't make sense to me to make it harder to get help, by being in a medicated state where you can't 'feel' even if you wanted to. Be strong woman .. you will get through .. I have a funny feeling we all will

Gee, skinny dipping out in the wild......sounds like a cure for depression to me! That is just plain teasing to post a delightful experience like that CG!
And poor Holly stuck there in Manitoba's cold weather in June .....

Today I'm packing. I signed a lease on an apt this morning and the people move into my house June 30.
It has been weird trying to figure out the next step for me....I SO MUCH wanted to leave this town. But there are no jobs...at least for me right now.....there's a hiring freeze on with this stupid recession.. so I'm going to try and do my job for another year. I hope to take a couple more months off before going back to work. My boss wants to go out for lunch again this week. Guess she needs to see me in the flesh to check out my affect etc. Whatever.

I miss my shrink. gee....don't want to tell her that but I had a lousy day and evening last night wishing she'd come back. It's attachment junk raising its ugly head. I see her Wednesday - not sure what she'll think about my decision to stay. I'm ticked off that she took off for a week and didn't help me with this decision...it's opposite to what I've been planning toward and she's been supporting me to do. Last time we were together she said to expect the same results if I go back because the job would wear the healthiest person down... we both might pay for it if I've made the wrong choice . (That's weird....I realize I'm trying to protect her from being affected by my stuff ....I used to do that with my mom when I was a kid).

Itshardtosay (for sure)

Hi Karie,

Packing must be pretty hard for you right now. I must have missed something along the way .. I thought you had a job to go to and and an apartment in another town already? Duh, not sure how I came up with that! Sorry to hear that you will be going beck to your job, it's tough to know that there is an impending date of return coming. Do you not have LTD with your job? I used my sick time up at work, then went on Sick benefits (stress) through EI for 15 weeks to carry me through to the date that I could apply for LTD. There are options for you if you aren't ready to go back to work!

It sounds like your T is thinking like my P was when we were talking about me going back to work. She said that I'd be right back at square one, and possibly worse if soemthing traumatic or overly stressful was to occur again. I wanted to get back to my job, so when it came time for me to return, I had to get 'clearance' paperwork done by all of the Dr.s involved in my case before they would give me my clients back (darn gov't jobs!). I convinced my GP (against her better judgement) to complete it and okay me for return, but The shrink said NO WAY and wrote that she couldn't clear me for return for an indefinate period of time. It was that referal that resulted in my having to quit and look at retraining. SUX TO BE ME !!!! But anyway, my long wided point is that you have options if you don't feel that you are ready to return!

ACK, my P goes on a 9 day holiday in 4 days!!! Only one more session ... I think I'll die! EEK, and my partner is going away for a week of it too .... You guys better keep me company so I don't get into trouble or go crazy!

TTYL peeps!

Hi,

Yeah, I thought I might get that job in the town I want to move to....but I didn't get it. I applied for 2 other positions and heard 0. Guess, I'm not so in demand. I haven't told the girl yet who I was going to board with that I've changed my mind.

YEaaaaaaah...I don't know if/when my P will allow me to go back to work. Gee. (The recent raise is calling me.) But getting my head around going back is taking time...I can hardly imagine walking back in there let alone carrying my case load again. hmmm.

I didn't think that they might not let me go back I will know better tomorrow after I see her (P) and tell her my idea. Too late, though for just moving back to my parents place.....I signed a lease here yesterday.

Aahhh...this is life.

9 days Holly!.....that is quite a long time. Maybe you could make it into a holiday and do something you normally wouldn't for you? or Maybe you could just go nuts with that much time on your hands??
I'm glad for this board too....it helps talking eh? We'll talk lots next week or maybe take that trip to Gilligan's.....

Karie

Hey Karie

quote:

9 days Holly!.....that is quite a long time

It's not THAT bad, it's only nine days not like it's 9 sessions LOL Wah, either way it sucks! She had to bring it up yesterday when we were talking about my dependency on her .. I swear she said it to see what my reaction would be! THE EVIL WOMAN

quote:

I don't know if/when my P will allow me to go back to work. Gee. (The recent raise is calling me.) But getting my head around going back is taking time...I can hardly imagine walking back in there let alone carrying my case load again.

I hear you loud and clear about that raise business .. the union just settled our contract three days before I had to resign so we were looking at a significant increase, and I sure wouldn't have had to worry about my crazy spending habits like I am now! The back pay for a year and a half will be nice when it gets here in July Anyway, enough about money ... ! Just make sure you take your time getting your head around going back to work. I found that I was having mild panic attacks just meeting with my boss to discuss all of the paper work that needed to be done before I could return. THAT should have been a sign for me right there. Have you thought about what you might want to do if your P says NO WAY!?

quote:

Maybe you could make it into a holiday and do something you normally wouldn't for you? or Maybe you could just go nuts with that much time on your hands?? I'm glad for this board too....it helps talking eh? We'll talk lots next week or maybe take that trip to Gilligan's

I dunno what I'll do that week but .... rumor has it that CatGirl wants us to come to her pvt watering hole out there in Sunny California! I think if I could get a sitter to watch my brother I'd be all over her that invitation! LMFAO Sorry, CG, I couldn't resist But it might be as much fun as a trip to Gillies Island Mwa hahaha

Seriously, with the P gone and the partner I might go nuts (nuttier). There isn't anywhere to go because I'll be home taking care of my brother. Hopefully the sun comes out and I'll be able to tan my days away and work on some carving projects I started BEFORE my breakdown last July. Gee saying that makes me think that a year ago I was probably driving to a clients home in tears and wanting to crash my car into a pole at 100 kmh to avoid the fear and anxiety I was feeling! I'm glad those days are few and far between now!

Yeah, so in otherwords .. I'll be on here A LOT!

Well, on that note I should go plant some things in the garden and beds incase the freakin sun actually comes out tomorrow. I hate Manitoba!!

Talk soon!

quote:

Originally posted by HollyBaby0:
She had to bring it up yesterday when we were talking about my dependency on her .. I swear she said it to see what my reaction would be! THE EVIL WOMAN

She probably did!

My therapist is going on vacation for two weeks. He's been mentioning it every single session for a couple of months now until I finally fessed up to being scared and worried about it.

Hey Heather

Yeah, she did say it on purpose to see what I'd say .. and I said I had been thinking about it, but didn't tell her how hard I really feel it's going to be. But I guess we'll live in the end eh Heather !

calling ....{ { H O L L Y } }....you still have that one session left to tell her how hard it's gonna be !!!

My P called me at suppertime out of the blue. I was so glad to hear her voice. She wanted to change an appt time for later this week...I see her tomorrow so asked if I'm booked for tomorrow?....I figured she could've told me about the time change then....she said yes, guess she could have but she missed me! ....she meant missed hearing from me cause she followed that by saying she hadn't heard from me for 6 days. I told her I was trying not to call her and I'm glad she's back! .....she sounded really glad too, it was great to hear from her. Guess it's time to tell her how important she is getting to be to me........

but this feels like yukky stuff that I also wish wasn't happening. You ever heard the old poem by Mary Howitt that goes

"Will you walk into my parlour? said the spider to the fly; Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy. The way into my parlour is up a winding stair, And I have many pretty things to show when you are there."
"O no, no" said the little fly, "to ask me is in vain, For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again."
"I'm sure you must be weary, dear, with soaring up so high; Will you rest upon my little bed? said the spider to the fly. "There are pretty curtains drawn around, the sheets are fine and thin, And if you like to rest awhile, I'll snugly tuck you in."

even if you don't know this poem, you can imagine what happened to that poor fly. Iatrogenics .... I'm still trying to recover from my cynicism.

Itshardtosay

Did someone call me ????

I thought I might have heard a faint little voice coming from my speakers

YES, I have one session to tell her how hard it;s gong to be. But tell me Karie .. what good is that going to bring? I'm going to make myself feel worse by dwelling on it .. really.

Instead I will use my session to talk to her about how I screamed at my family tonight and said how I hate them and wish they were dead. I think she'd appreciate hearing about that instead!
What do you think

YAY Karie

I'm glad your P is back and that she wasn't calling to cancel on you or something EVIL like that!
You'll have to get on here after your session and tell us how it goes in telling her about your attachment stuff. It sounds like it's time

Interesting lil poem! But don't worry .. you won't be the fly!

Talk later!

Ouch, sounds painful Holly. I'm sorry its bad for you. IT IS PAINFUL ...and that's an understatement. I guess you already know there is nothing more powerful in us than unmet childhood needs. Attachment to her is you trying to get that unmet childhood need met. I wish they didn't have to take time off...

(I was the fly in my other life...)

Wish I could say something that would help.

Karie

Hey Karie ..

quote:

(I was the fly in my other life...)

Ditto chickie, Ditto!

quote:

Wish I could say something that would help

Not much to say other than I'm an idiot! I hate myself so much right now. I'm sure that half of my blow up was a result of feeling like I'm going to be trapped in myself for the next week and a half, with no where to go or anyone to be there incase I want to talk or cry. ARGH, I haven't felt like this in a long while .. so destructive and self-loathing.

I better pop a sleeping pill and get my butt to bed .. It's safe there, I think!

Holly,

I posted this a few months ago in response to "Changing the Unconscious, Can it happen?" When I saw how you're feeling tonight, I remembered it. I don't expect it to fix how you feel right now. I just felt prompted to share how we (my T and I) have been dealing with it. It's been fairly effective.

I hope a good sleep tonight helps you.

Here it is:
I have pretty much hated myself for my whole life. When I had some type of emotion, whatever it was, my next response would be self-hatred. Through work with my therapist, it's not necessarily the first response anymore, and when it is, I can often get a handle on it pretty quickly. It's amazing how what I thought was part of who I was I now see as something separate from me, a defense mechanism. It sounds like it's a similar thing to what you have happening.

One of the first things my therapist and I did was called parts therapy. She had me think of all of the different parts of me, the different voices in my head that play a role in my thoughts and behaviors. This was one of the first things that I did in therapy with her, but it's an ongoing thing, as I recognize voices that I didn't notice before, and as new voices emerge. A very strong voice in the beginning was self-hatred. Doing this activity caused me to become aware of what is going on inside of me.

She also taught me coping strategies. When I feel self-hatred, I can postpone it. If I tell myself, I don't have to feel self-hatred right now, I can feel it in 5 minutes. It will often subside within that period of time. Another strategy was to allow myself to feel it. If I just HAD to feel it, I would say to myself, "It's okay. I accept that you feel self-hatred. You can hate yourself for 5 minutes, then you're going to do something different." Somehow through allowing myself to feel it, it moved through quickly. Another strategy was to pay attention to my body (apparently, Shrinklady uses this type of therapy a lot). What was my body telling me? My face felt hot, my fists felt like clenching, etc. Then, to tell my body, "I hear you trying to tell me something. What are you wanting me to hear?" Then, the self-hatred would usually leave and it would be replaced by sadness. All of these activities encourage awareness of what's going on inside of me.

Another thing that she did was that she continually told me, "The self-hatred is not you. It's a defense mechanism that you formed when you were little and didn't know how else to deal with these feelings. It's not who you are." This allowed me to learn to separate myself from it, which, again, brought about further awareness.

Something that's been very helpful is making a list of things that I can do, that I enjoy doing and that feel right to me, when I start to feel bad.

The most important thing that she did was to continue to love and accept me when I had feelings of self-hatred. Sometimes I still say things like, "I'd just rather be dead." She'll rub my back and say, "Just for the record, I'm glad your not." When I go into a self-hatred funk, she'll say, "It seems like you need to hate yourself right now. If that's what you need, that's okay. If you want to, you can try to postpone it. You can turn right instead of left. You know what it's like to turn left. You've been down that road. You can try the other way this time." I might choose to keep hating myself. She is just as supportive as she would have been if I had stopped hating myself. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not some big lame loser. Maybe there's a part of me that's still lovable.

By the way, I still struggle with self-hatred, but it doesn't rule every aspect of my life like it used to. My subconscious responses are certainly changing.

catgirl

Good Morning CG

quote:

I don't expect it to fix how you feel right now

I'm cured I'm cured!!! Damn your good!

You know CG, I've said to my P "When are you going to give me some coping strategies, or some insight on what I need to do to change the behaviours and thoughts that I have" Her answer everytime is that she doesn't have enough information from me, or know me enough to do that yet. WHEN TF is she gonna know? Hmm, sorry bout that, I feel a little hostility towards her (P) today (probably because I feel like she's abandoning me or something lame like that). Tomorrows session should be productive!

I'm glad that your T works so well with you and has been able to give you techniques to use And that they have been able to be of some use to you! That's great.
I can't imagine being able to talk to myself about 'postponing' self hatred or any other feeling for that matter other than feelings of pain and sadness (which I can postpone very well!). I talk to myself continually .. good me & bad me always arguing in my head with me in the middle quietly saying 'help!' I'd need some real help to be able to get myself to listen to a time out request, and my P isn't ready to help with things like that yet .. she needs to know MEEE .. I told her last week, "I don't even know me, how the hell am I supposed to tell you who I am!".

I'm going to read (I know I know, reading is bad for me, but I don't care today) a bit this afternoon about 'Body Therapy' and see what I can learn about it. Thanks for reposting that stuff it's always nice to know that there are techniques out there that work for people, so one day when the P is ready to give me some help lol, I can suggest things that I've read about (without actually saying that I have read it .. because you know what heppens when I do that )

quote:

By the way, I still struggle with self-hatred, but it doesn't rule every aspect of my life like it used to. My subconscious responses are certainly changing.

I imagine that no matter what you learn to help control these feelings, they are always in you and sometimes they can sneak out and get the better of you. Though I don't get like this often (usually only when I know that I have done something I shouldn't have - Like freaking out on my family the way I did), I think it is important to have some coping skills in place to mimimize the damage it can cause when it does sneak out. So thanks for sharing your story and experience, it's definatley something to look into for me too!

Okay enough here .. I sense that I'm getting angry at my P and it's not a good thing if she isn't here for me to talk it through with.

Hey, this is Karie's topic .. lets talk about her again!!!!!! How are YOU feeling today Karie ???

Have a good one peeps!

Hi you guys.....

That's great stuff your T taught you and helps you with CG...it sounds helpful, like she is attuned and helping you grow.

Holly, hope you're having a better day. Last night late, I was thinking I could've/would've/should've suggested maybe you were angry at your family because the P is abandoning the young you for 9 days...but that you'll probably live through it!!!.....but...it was too late. Hope your family "gets it" enough to understand and allow it right now?

I had to put one of my 2 cats down this morning. Very awful and I feel bad.

I saw my P and it went differently than I expected. She was cool with my decision to eventually go back to work...said it's better than being homeless! Whatever.


Karie

Hi Karie,

Wasn't your post longer?? I could swear that I looked at it earlier before I went out, and it was longer .... Hmph, must be confused with another one.

I'm sorry to hear about your cat, that must have been very painful for you to have to do, it's such a difficult thing to do for anyone. I guess that we have to keep in the back of our heads that it's for the best and to keep them from sufferring.

Strange reaction from your P regarding your decision to go back to work. I mean she's right, it is better than being homeless. She must not feel that your work had a significant role to play in where you are mentally right now, or that it won't have an impact on your return to work. Interesting .....

I did have a better day today, thanks for asking. I'm looking forward to my session Thursday morning to get some of this stuff off of my chest.

Anywho, I need to get some sleep.

Have a good night,

Holly,

My P and I agreed that I'll probably run into a similar stress response when the next trauma happens...why should I expect a rosier outcome?....thinking it'll be fine would be psychotic. But right now I don't have much option other than think about/plan toward going back....its always about money, eh?

Met with my boss again for lunch.....I told her I won't be back until at least August, if then.

How are ya today? HOW WAS YOUR SESSION?
Is it warm there yet?

Hey Karie,

quote:

My P and I agreed that I'll probably run into a similar stress response when the next trauma happens...why should I expect a rosier outcome?

This seems crazy making to me! But only you know what your mind and body are capable of, so listen to them and be sure it's time when you do decide to go back! But I totally hear you on the money thing .. I have the max amount through EI which is mind bogglingly (is that a word) low, and comes out to just over a third of what I am used to as income. It was a major kick in the teeth, and I'm not likely to find a job that will pay me that much without generating a whole lot of seniority again somewhere (Hell I'll be a senior by then!), But what keeps me feeling okay about it is knowing that I'll never have to be forced into a situation where I could be harmed/killed because someone else is having a bad day! After my training I'll sit at a desk and answer phones and talk to patients for $18 an hour and be happy about it. Poor ~ but happy!!! I'm glad that you are giving yourself until August, and it sounds like you left it open by saying 'if then'. What did your boss say?

Is it warm yet .. I can somehow feel that you had a smirk on when you wrote that!! I believe that it's a balmy 17 degrees today. The sun did come out for about an hour around lunch time which was nice because I went and had lunch with my partner in the park after my session So I was happy to know that the sun hasn't died and deserted us out here, he's just being shy.
NO RAIN however, knock on wood! Supposedly we are to hit 'normal' temps by the weekend (25-27ish) but no one holds their breath anymore! How's the weather out there??

My session .. It went awesome. I love her She asked me today if I was mad because she was going away .. I looked at her and said "If I was, I sure wouldn't admit to it!" She seemed to take that as a yes!!! I just said that I'm not mad, I'll just miss her She gave me the cute lil smile that I find TOTALLY irresitable, and went on to tell me that it was okay. I'm glad that we had an awesome session because it will make the waiting 10 days a little easier than stewing on crap from a bad session. I think that what will also make the time less stressful is that my partner is going to BC for a week of it and I am sending my brother to respite for 3 days so I can have some ME time! Where will I be .. probably right here in the cafe .. but I'll have NO STRESS and hopefully will be so happy to be alone that I won't have time to think about being depressed BECAUSE I'm alone! LMAO

I hope you are well

Talk later !

Yeah. I guess it is kinda nuts.
Maybe this is just a blip, phase or whatever in my brain. I don't know.

I'm just glad I don't have to do anything about it right now.

VERY GLAD TO HEAR your session went well!!
Of course you love her
And she'll be back....even better news.
E N J O Y your week of less stress!

I have been getting the weirdest things happening when I see my P. I did write about it but deleted it...(you're quick Holly) It is pretty close to me still....it's like a young abuse memory or something terrifying like that is pushing to come up in my sessions. Freaks me out but I think that's a sign that I trust her quite a bit and feel safe enough. I know this has been waiting inside for a long time, guess it's just time now . I am so scared of whatever it is. It is physical and FEAR (more like terror of anhilation) that I push back down. It happens when I glance at her and my eyes tell my brain that she is attuned, cares and is offering to be supportive....it's like an immediate body thing I have no control over...F...K'n freaky. Takes a lot of energy and I kinda wish it would wait until the rest of my life calms down. (She, of course, is trying to help me NOT push it away!!) Still feeling terrible about my cat. Otherwise, "...Change is good Donkey..."

Karie

Hi Karie ...

I can well enough imagine that you feel terrible about your cat Was he'she injured or sick?

quote:

Change is good Donkey..."

LOL I say this ALL the time!!! Too funny

quote:

I did write about it but deleted it

What made you delete it?

quote:

it's like a young abuse memory or something terrifying like that is pushing to come up in my sessions. Freaks me out but I think that's a sign that I trust her quite a bit and feel safe enough. I know this has been waiting inside for a long time, guess it's just time now . I am so scared of whatever it is. It is physical and FEAR (more like terror of anhilation) that I push back down. It happens when I glance at her and my eyes tell my brain that she is attuned, cares and is offering to be supportive....it's like an immediate body thing I have no control over...F...K'n freaky. Takes a lot of energy and I kinda wish it would wait until the rest of my life calms down. (She, of course, is trying to help me NOT push it away!!)

I totally hear you when you talk about looking into your T's eyes and seeing that she is attuned to you, cares about what you are saying and is supportive. It's a wonderful thing to know that when you are READY to tell her about the memory that's frightening you, you will be able to trust that she will be there for you, in the moment AND in providing the support you will need to work through it. All I can say is let her push you and get it out. Waiting till your life calms down might sound like it's a good idea, but my guess is that you are more likely to 'feel' what you need to feel to get past it while your life feels like it's in chaos. If you wait till things calm down, it may not seem as important to talk about, or you'll bury it again because you don't feel so anxious about it. Does that make sense at all? I dunno .. I'm just basing it on what would happen if I didn't talk about something that was hurting me that much!

Well all this talk about looking into your T's eyes and seeing that she cares about you is making me miss my P and it's only been 1 day! 10 more sleeps to go ...

I'll be thinking about you.
Write anytime if you wanna chat

Woops......I don't know how to do quotes. Need to read your directions to CG..

Anyway, What made me delete it? Too much detail!
Its still pretty tender stuff and I don't want to lose it out in cyberspace, if that's possible in the first place? I think you got what is happening with my last post.

My cat (she) was sick, not that sick but sick enough to not have any more answers...and I miss her.

Hey, Holly, have you ever made your P anything?
you know, like in gift, present, handmade item?
you could fire something cool....just a thought.

gotta go ta bed...because here in Ontario it's 10 minutes to midnight.

Karie

HI Karie,

I would make her something .. but she wouldn't accept it I'm sure. I think I've said she's pretty rigid and has very firm boundaries. The session I told her that I thought I was attracted to her, I mentioned that I had been thinking about her a lot that week, and what really clued me in was that I was baking .. for her! I don't think that I'm good at much .. but I can put up a good fight in the kitchen Anyway, when I bake it's always for someone else (friends, family, neighbors, or people that pay me to bake for them), while I was doing it I realized that I was thinking about her, and thus the whole thought to bake must have stemmed from that (like I said, I don't do it for the sake of doing it). LMAO she seemed a little dissappointed when I told her that I took the baking to a friend that has an office one floor up from her . She asked why I did't bring it .. and I said "well, you are a shrink, naturally paranoid (said with a smirk), and you probably would have tossed it in the garbage, assuming I was going to kill you!" She then said "There is always a grain of truth in anything people say!" I said "Well, you probably WOULD have thrown it away!" LMAO Anyway, she did say that she wouldn't have accepted it. BUT, that was at the beginning of the year so maybe she might be more open to it .. Maybe for our last session or for her Birthday in Feb I will make her something (shhh, I'm not supposed to know that hehehehe -- and no, I cannot tell people how to access personal information on their T's or P's through the net ... so don't ask )

Have you given anything to your T?

I really am sorry about your cat ....

{{{Karie}}}

Ha....you're funny. I bet ya she would like some of your baking, especially if it was just some of it...you know, you gave to other people and ate some yourself!....and only once in a while.. P's and T's, I've learned like to eat Yeah, I was into a baking thing a few years ago. There is a client at work who makes pies and just shows up with one once in a while....staff are almost asking to be assigned to her!

I have given previous T's baking and other things...but nothing to the new P. I am VERY conscious of boundaries. I think she would probably accept something inexpensive or something handmade but it would be too uncomfortable for me to try it and I'm not into it right now.

OKAY SO HOW DO YOU DO the accessing personal information??? Are you secretly working for the RCMP?



I really appreciate my P seeing me more x per week rather than giving me meds. The med question kinda came up but she did not push it...I was the one who mentioned them and she just looked but didn't open her mouth. She's smart and is being careful...pushing pills would wreck my trust in her.

(I don't know how to do the P.M. thing)

Gee Karie,

You don't know how to PM and you don't know how to Quote! I think you need some private lessons

To PM you click on "GO" in the toolbar at the top left of the forum posts. Then you scroll down to Private Messaging and give it a lil click Then when the PM window opens you can click "New Pvt Message" Then another window opens and you then click "Find New Buddies". When that window opens you can type in the name of the person you want to send a note to and WHAALAA a PM! ORRR you can just do it the easy way and left click on someones name in the Forum (like a post in a topic) and select "Invite ?????? to a private topic" and that will work.

To quote .... follow previous instructions to CatGirl I'm too lazy to type em again !!!

quote:

OKAY SO HOW DO YOU DO the accessing personal information???

Well I'm a Cesis agent actually .. But now I'm going to have to kill you! Damn I hate it when people ask when I say not to ask LMAO, it's always so messy !! No, in my 20's/30's I worked for a private investigating firm and learned a trick or two there Funny what you can learn about a person on the internet And if you know an RCMP officer or a cop that would help too I guess It would make the search easier and faster!! LOL

quote:

I really appreciate my P seeing me more x per week rather than giving me meds

I know! When I came off of the Effexor I felt some of my symptoms coming back. So when I asked if there was something else my P could suggest to my GP, she said she'd rather I not take anything else because I just started being able to 'feel' some things and she didn't want me to mask it again. So I asked about a second session so that I didn't get so anxious between them and go crazy(ier), and she said yes, without hesitation. It helps and I'm glad that I'm not on more drugs

On that note, I think I'll go light a fire in the yard and chill with a book for awhile.

I'll talk to you later!

Isn't that cool that she responded to you asking for a second session without hesitation? She takes you seriously Holly. I think I like her a little better....maybe.

Guess I'd have to do some warming up to really like her though. Don't know exactly why I feel this way, just the pain in your posts I guess. And I think it's positive she agrees meds mask feelings. Not that I need an opinion on her anyway....whatever!

Did making a fire and chilling with a book help last night? I have a fire pit thingy but haven't used it yet this spring/summer. How are you today?

HI Karie

I think once in awhile the P kinda likes me .. maybe I caught her on a vulnerable day and that's why she okay'd a 2nd session Maybe when she gets back I'll tell her I was so distraught while she was gone I'll need 3 or 4 for a few weeks to get me back on track! LOL

Hmm, I guess that when I have a bad day with her I can really make her sound like a 'you know what'. I think that's really sweet that you pick up on how upset I am with her sometimes, and can hold it against her ... I'll have to write more good things as they come up .. our last 2 sessions were really good, and hopefully I'm able to continue putting myself out there when she gets back. But knowing me, I'll be all shy and nervous again until I get used to talking to her again .. so another 11 months of hell so she could have an 11 day holiday! LOL, I'm so selfish and needy! The woman tells me that I have to be able to trust her and depend on her and when I finally get there she buggers off. Rude, rude, rude! Oh well... Just 8 more sleeps to go

Well I did make a fire and chilled (literally) with my dogs, but I didn't bother with a book .. I grabbed a bag of spitz and a beer instead and talked to myself, until my partner came out and joined me

I had a good day, we went to visit a friend and her husband who just had a baby a week ago, so it was nice. You know you have some issues when you don't want to hold a new baby! I've worked with families with babies and children for years and didn't have a problem holding them. But friends and family with kids .. I never hug them (always a high five instead, or a pat on the head) or kiss them, and I never hold them. Strange huh! I seldom hug adult friends or family either .. except my mother-in-law because she makes me! LOL

Sorry, I went off track there. My day was gouda!! I'm looking forward to getting the week underway - back to the gym tomorrow, partner leaves Thursday am, and brother goes to respite Friday am. I hope the week goes fast and the weekend drags on and on and on!!! Mike is home Sunday evening and my partner is home the following Wed. I LOVE IT !!!!! hehehe

So how are things going with you and how has your weekend been?

Hi,

(Holly ....how are you???)

I'm living in my mom's basement right now

I asked my dad yesterday if it's just me??? do I have something nasty written on my forehead that tells the world I'm a screwup and to do something anything! to help make things go sour for me. Ahhhh tonight I'm feeling sorry for me.

It did not work out sharing the house with that former client of my former therapist. Yeah, I should know that boundary mix ups never work out right. I am learning all that the hard way these days. So some of my stuff is still at that girls house and some is here in the basement with me. My parents are being very supportive but others are not saying such nice things. Tonight my nieces were kidding me saying I could live on a board with cardboard over me outside......
When I left Chatham my old boss said...."Karen, you are a disaster waiting to happen."
I am feeling pretty bad tonight. Don't know why my life has gone to hell in a handbasket...ever since that client of mine suicided life has been nightmarish. My new job (an hour and a half away starts on Monday.) I am still tied to a lease I signed a few weeks ago in Chatham....
I was not created to live life as an adult

IT IS HARD TO SAY

Hey Hummingbird, thanks for your suggestions! How are you?

Yes, I've been doing some thinking about how to get out of the lease. I emailed and called the landlady. She is also a real estate agent. She refuses to budge and allow me to break the lease...She has $1125.00 of mine and I never even got the key or moved any stuff into the place.
However, I have been putting ads on the internet and sent an ad to my former workplace and a friend in that town to pass around ....I hope someone decides to rent it soon. (Your suggestion of a nervous breakdown has crossed my mind a few times....)

But I know these are just challenges and are not insurmountable. I also think I've had enough for now, you know, ENOUGH ALREADY! And I think I've learned that the adult me can help me survive.

This morning things look brighter. I may be able to move into an apartment close to my new job this wknd or next week and I am working on making those arrangements. I hope to learn what I'm supposed to from what has happened to me since Feb of this year...because I believe that all things happen for a reason.

My P has been really supportive but ahhh.....she is on a week of holidays again. I have an appt booked for after work next Tues.

Karen

Hi, Itshardtosay,

I am so glad that things look a little brighter this morning.

Will this landlady give you you deposit back afte you find someone else to lease the apt. Just a fleeting thought, if you have a friend who is a lawyer who can look at the lease and see if there are any clauses for ways to break it. . .again, just a thought. Don't know where you live, but here, there are even services that will broker apts. and might be able to help.

I am glad you have an appt. scheduled with your P already after she gets back. Soemtimes vacations come at exactly the wrong time, don't they. (Ok, for me, it seems that anytime my T goes on vacation, it feels like the wrong time. . .I hate when she is away!).

I really hope the new apt works out, and am so sorry about the not nice things others were saying. You have had enough to deal with!

Keep up the great work at looking at all of your solutions! Use the brighter start to keep moving forward.

WhereamI

Hi WhereamI.......I've been trying to reply but the computer won't post the message.....maybe it will this time..

I like your name!

I've been trying to get out of my lease...or rent the place.

Tomorrow I move into my new apt and I am so glad. Monday my new job starts.. I will be working as a case manager on wknds but not in mental health. I need a break from that while I work on my degrees.
Here goes....I'll see if this will post.

Itshardtosay. ... more later.

Hi Itshardtosay,

Your post went through! Glad it went through! I have been having some technical problems today too! It is exciting that you get to move into your apt. tomorrow. Hope the move goes well. Nice metaphor, moving on Independence Day and all! What's your new job?

So glad things are heading in a better direction

Hi......

I'm sitting in an internet cafe because I don't have phone or internet service installed yet.

I had so much trouble over the past few months making this job and living change! To complete my chaos, the mover didn't show up on Saturday!! It was awful. My brothers friend and his son moved my stuff early Sunday am instead. I am still claiming it as my independence day though. Whew.... but i really like my new place and I'm so excited to be at my new job and starting school in Sept. I had a really good first day at work. Sometimes it seems that everything tries to block what you need to do....

My job is in access in a huge community health agency ....I will assess and connect people with health services they need. It is not mental health but the skills I learned in working with people in mental health will help with this job. It is good pay and if I like it I can go full time. I'd rather do a masters related to trauma/attachment injury in mental health. There is a MSN in mental health I'd like to do through Charles Sturt university in Australia...it's expensive but if I could get through this last 6 months I could probably do anything!

I am also glad for this site. It's nice to have internet friends who understand and are working on their own stuff. Thanks for this opportunity....

Itshardtosay