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The Angry B***H Within

queengreyqueengreyMember
So I've done a little reading through past posts and I find myself reading my own story over and over again. It's reassuring, to say the least, and I'm happy all over again to have found this forum.

I suppose I consider myself a polite person but really, I'm just a repressed individual. I'm happy to be in therapy except, dear gawd, why do I think about my T all of the time??? -sigh- I know that a lot of you are thinking this so my comment is merely rhetorical. My real issue is this sudden rage I've got regarding the boundaries of our therapeutic relationship. Bluntly, I want more. I want to be able to call him should I have melt-down, or even email him! I honestly just feel like this relationship is too out of balance -- I am obsessed and to him, I am just an hour to fill. In addition, my sessions will end in a month -- I am so depressed and very, very angry with the knowledge that I opened up (something that doesn't happen very often), and I'm being rewarded with a "good-be it was nice knowin' ya." I understand that this relationship must end -- honestly, my brain knows this and understands it -- I just cannot get my heart to follow along. This feels like rejection, exactly the same kind of boundary s**t that I received from my mother (who is so repressed that she denies she has feelings at all) and my father who wasn't sober for 98% of my childhood. On top of all of this, my anxiety is preventing me from sleeping and eating properly. Losing my T couldn't come at a worse time yet I'm so angry I just want to quit.

Rambling over -- exactly how should I approach this with my T? I certainly don't want to hurt his feelings but I am super-pissed (and quite suddenly too) that he has the ability to cut off our time at the hour with no regard to the fact that I'm living for that damn hour a week.
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
Anyway, i don't know if this is relevant for you, it was very pivotal for me and helped me tremendously. It ended in my last session with my list of 10 reasons why he needed me, because as i said, we both knew i needed him but most likely neither of us knew quite what it was he needed me for.


HB... welcome back - you were missed here. Glad the move is over for you and although it's a lot of work it sounds like you managed to handle it pretty well.

I was fascinated by what you did with your T at the last session by reading that list to him. It gave me thought as to what my T needed ME for and it reminded me of the time he told me that working with me was a privelege because I make him a better T. I was very flattered by that since this is a man with a PhD. And once I wrote to him that I needed him to teach me the things I didn't know and that maybe I could teach him a few things too. Who knows? Now I wonder if I had to compile a list of ten things what I would put on it. I could think of some cynical things to list ... like I fill up an hour, that I pay him, that I drive him crazy... Big Grin but that's not really what I had in mind. But you know I'll bet HE could come up with ten reasons without my help. He sees so much about me and in me that I cannot yet see but I'm working on it. Anyway, I'm glad you are back I always enjoy reading your posts.

Queen... I too rail against the boundaries and the time limit for each session. The moment I leave his office is the worst for me because I know I have to wait so long again to talk to him. Does your T have a rule against calls and/or email? I can email or call in between sessions and that helps when I'm having a crisis. Mostly I just email. My only advice is to tell him these things and talk about them. I'm sorry your therapy will end in a month... that is a tough thing that I really have no answer for. But whatever happens... tell him all your feelings and maybe he can help you find some closure.

Wishing you the best,
TN
W wisdomMember
QueenGrey

I'm glad you are here. I know that it is comforting to know that people do understand what your going thru. Your not alone here.

I bet you are a polite person and an good friend too! YOur postings speak well of that. First, I need to say that not only you are repressed but so isn't everyone else. I don't know of one person who isn't. Beginning with me. I am a master of repression and denial. Proud of it as it serves me a purpose until otherwise

Thinking about your therapist all the time is not a bad thing. Obsessive thinking is normal.... All part of attachment. Attachment is good. Talking about feelings surrounding attachment is good. Attachment such as stalking, telephone, demands, threats, suicide threats, manipulation ......... obviously NOT GOOD. (I know you don't do that) In your case you have needs that are being unmet in therapy. They are attachment driven. The best thing you can do it to talk honestly about your feelings to your therapist. Have this become part of your therapy..... Unmet needs can sometimes cloud our better judgement. Sometimes we do and say things to people that we regret later. Talking allows the attachment to redistribute in ways that are healthy

"I am so depressed and very, very angry with the knowledge that I opened up (something that doesn't happen very often), and I'm being rewarded with a "good-be it was nice knowin' ya."

Opening up is not deserving of being terminated. (don't look at old therapy situationsthat ended negativly)Talk to your therapist about your feelings towards him and the sessions. It may be that he extends your sessions out further. ??? Don't leave things undone for yourself. Sometimes the greatest learning and surprizes takes place at termination


When we are strongly attached we often want more than what our therapists can give. It hard when they set limits. We want to kick and scream.... resist like when we were little kids. Go to our room and slam the door behind us making sure that the person we are upset with knows just how much we hurt.

So approach the topic with your thereapist. It is his job to talk with you. Its his job to manage boundries. Time, frequency, personal disclosure...... Have you told him that you like him and care for him? Do you feel you are in love with him? THEN TELL HIM! Tell him whats in your mind

Again my suggestion for you would be to talk to your therapist. This is the only way to really manage your strong feelings with or without a terimination. Meaning even if you don't talk to him about it and you both terminate, these strong feelings of attachment will continue. It will make you even more miserable. I suggest that you talk now and try to share just how much you need him. It's normal to need our therapists. Just be mindful of his boundries both professional and personal.

I'd be curious as to what you do and how it goes. Try writing a letter and bringing to session for him or you to read. More often than not it works... Ultimatly its your journey

Good luck
Wiz
catgirlcatgirlMember
Queen Grey,

I totally hear you! I sometimes get so angry that it's time to leave on the hour. During the week, sometimes, I'm so angry that here, I'm living my whole week waiting for this hour, when she's probably not even thinking about me. The unevenness of the relationship is so painful!

I want more, too. I do call and leave messages for her once or twice a week just to feel connected. She's okay with that. Would this help you? Would your T be okay with that? She also calls and leaves encouraging messages on my voicemail so that I can have her voice when I need it. (She does this when I particularly ask for it.)

Right now, while you still have the time to work through this, is a good time to share your feelings with him. I'd tell him that it makes you angry about the cut-off of the hour and all of that. Ultimately, that's not about him, it's about the boundaries that he has to set to make this work, so I don't see why he'd be hurt by it. He'll probably be glad you're opening up. Even though you only have limited time left with him, and might be afraid to open up and be honest, if you do this now, it will make it easier to open up and own your feelings in the future.

I wonder if this anger has to do with the fact that you're not going to have him much longer, and you feel abandoned. You really should (I hate the word should. Sorry I just used it.)take the chance now and talk about it with him.

Sorry that your sessions will come to an end. That sucks!

We'll be here for you.

catgirl
queengreyqueengreyMember
quote:
Originally posted by QueenGrey:
Thanks for all of the feedback -- I sent him a letter explaining my frustrations because I didn't want to be angry in front of him. I have to admit, I was a WRECK when I went in. In the waiting room I kept debating on whether I should leave or stay. When I heard his voice call me in, I was shocked by how much relief I felt. He seemed exactly the same...well, he seemed to have more beard than I remembered but, he was kind. He didn't seem unnerved or anything. We talked about it while I played with some play-dough that my sister gave me (lavender-scented, for adults) and trembled. I was confused. He seemed okay, honest, and solid. Even when I had another emotional moment -- it was so sudden how quickly I realized that he wasn't my brother, or my mother but I was putting him in the roles. We were talking about why I was afraid of him and he said that probably, on some level, I was afraid of everybody. This is not a new idea in our sessions but this time it hit the core of me in a new way. I think it was HOW he said it -- he looked so sincere, so sad for me (not pity) and his voice was soft and honest. It felt comforting, in a strange way.

He also asked if I felt like he disappeared when we separated. This was a thought! I know that in Object Relations Therapy, the goal is to heal the unresolved split between mother and child, when the child recognizes that even when mother is away, she is still around somewhere, loving and ready. The theory contends that the therapist acts as the pseudo-mother, providing the necessary encouragement for a client to be whole (good and bad) without worring about loss of the therapist. I do not think that he disappears the moment we go -- I do not worry that I am imagining the hour. I do worry that he is not real within the hour. I am afraid that lurking beneath the guise of therapist is something manipulative and sadistic. I am afraid that seeing him in public will prove my belief and so I'm scared to see him in public. I don't want my bubble to burst. He certainly challenged me to consider my assumptions and the session felt very complete at the end of the hour.

I like to journal about my sessions and this one was no exception however, I approached it like a questionnaire. I kept the session going, in other words. At first, it felt like me asking myself stuff but I kept at it and strangely, a new voice emerged that kept asking the correct next question, one producing one epiphany after another like a fog lifting. It was highly spiritual and gratifying. In essence it said that it doesn't matter what he thinks of me. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. What matters is how I love myself. My T is 2-dimensional but that is because I don't need a specific person to help me with self-love, I just need a voice. I don't know what to tell myself when I'm in pain, I don't know what to do to celebrate my victories -- but he knows what to say. I'm an apprentice!

I do find it completely wonderful that this happened when it did. It means that my last month will have meaning. I won't be waiting for rejection -- instead, I'll use what I get to love myself. I think that the last epiphany was the best -- "He is my self-love. In this way, I will never part with him. He'll be with me always."

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