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11 replies

The Big "Disconnect"

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I'm not really sure how to word this because I'm not really sure what is going on. I only know that after today's session I feel really disconnected from my T and it's making me feel really uneasy. Maybe it's because we have been really attuned for the past 5 weeks or so. It took me a long time to get that rhythm back after his holiday vacation time and it was a real struggle. I hate this feeling that I'm losing it again when I worked so hard at trying to get the connection back.

I think part of it may be that because we are having house guests tomorrow and for 10 days I won't be able to see my T for two weeks and it's scaring me to death. I tried to talk to him today about my fears and I think I blew the session because I told him I was fearful of leaving in a bad place and that may prevent me from talking to him about anything really deep and so I think he avoided doing just that. Going deep with me. But, in any event, because I felt that he was steering me away from where I wanted to go, I felt unheard and disconnected from him.

I told him I'm having a lot of anxiety about the coming 10 days because of all the work involved in entertaining and playing tourist with my guests. I really do like them but I'm not feeling like running around to different places each day to "see the sights". Lately, I've been feeling like I want to crawl into a dark corner and hide or maybe sleep since I've been so exhausted from work, school, therapy and family obligations. I expressed my anxiety about traveling around to my T and I feel like he was judging me and making me feel like an idiot for having these thoughts. I tried to explain to him that I'm always fearful about going to places that are unfamiliar to me and the anticipation of going there makes me feel like hiding. It seems to come back to the trying to keep myself safe thing. I can't do that when I don't know where I'll be or what to expect. I feel like this is an enormous shortcoming and I SHOULD be able to handle these things with a sense of adventure but I seem to have lost that along the way somewhere. This comes from someone who for many years would travel all over Europe without a second thought. I just don't like traveling around the U.S. for some reason. I feel like he just could not understand where my fears were coming from and preferred to discuss crime statistics with me instead of "hearing" me out about my need for safety. After talking to a friend she made me see that this need comes from my past where my environment was never safe. That things could change in a second from calm to violent and that's why I am so concerned with keeping myself safe.

I'm not sure what I'm saying here. I guess I'm curious if any of you go through weeks of therapy feeling really good, safe and connected and really "heard" and then for some unexplained reason the attunement just goes right out the window. Of course I tend to turn things back to me... I didn't explain clearly enough, I should never have told him that these things scare me because now I feel humiliated and he's sitting there thinking, what a total mess she is and thank goodness she's only a patient or she would drive me crazy with her issues.

I know I can email him but I have no idea what to say or where to start with all of this and I'm scared that I will get a dismissive answer that will just make me feel worse.

Thanks for trying to understand my rambling.

TN
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
I just wanted to add to my post that maybe it's the separation anxiety I'm having in being away from my T for so long. Going two weeks seems endless to me. I remember how awful it felt when he was on vacation and now I'm the one who is leaving but it still feels horrible and scary. I don't understand why I'm feeling abandoned when it's my fault I can't see him.

And the other thing is that I'm afraid things will change while I'm gone and we won't be able to get our connection and attunement back... that is will be lost again and this time for good. And some small part of me is thinking that he is glad that I won't be around for awhile and he can have a nice break from listening to me whine about stuff.

I'm just feeling very alone and adrift right now.

TN
jonesjonesMember
Hi TN,

Makes a lot of sense to me that you are feeling separated, alone and abandoned. When you are attached you need, for security, the ability to move away from your attachment figure and come back, without THEM moving away. Whatever was going on with your T, it felt like he moved away from you - if it were me I'd feel anxious in that situation (is he really there? was he there at all? will he be there when I get back?).

Yes, I've had that sensation quite often of going from attunement to disconnection, and it sucks. It hurts. Sometimes it's my doing - something's making me hide stuff - but I've realised that sometimes it's my T. They have bad days, when all kinds of other stuff is going on (anything from a late night with friends to the end of a relationship). They get triggered and react and do their counter-transference stuff. I don't know what in this case, of course, but it's not out of the question that something else was going on that stopped him being open to you - and that had nothing to do with you being a good patient or bad patient. Don't forget, he CHOOSES to do this job, connecting with people including you and helping them to heal.

I love to hear that you shared with a friend and got some of what you need from her - nice coping strategy!

J
I incognitoMember
Hi TN,

I know the feeling of disconnect so well even when you are both in the same room. I'm actually impressed you managed 5 weeks of connection. I usually cycle through connect disconnect every week sometimes within a session.

I have no good advice but I did want you to know you weren't alone with that frustration. If you are like me you are probably frustrated with yourself that you tried to tell T what you needed from the session (that you were fearful of leaving in bad place) and that resulted in a session that was disconnected. I often get upset that I don't know what will accomplish my goals if I can define a goal.

I hope your visit goes well and post if you need to talk.
mtfmtfMember
Hi TN,

I know the feeling of disconnection myself. I think you're lucky that you get to see your T so often. I only see mine every two weeks, as that's how I have to work it so that I can see her for the whole year and have my insurance pay for it. So I always feel disconnected from session to session because there's such a long gap in between sessions. However, I recently had my very first real connection with my T. It was what AG called UBER-limbic resonance, and it was one of the most profound connections I have ever experienced with anyone in my entire life. So--needless to say, having to wait for 2 weeks to see her again after experiencing that has been very hard for me. At first I felt like a very needy, clingy toddler, ready to throw myself on the floor and have a tantrum because I wanted my mommy and she had left me for two weeks, and how was I going to survive without her? Talk about scary!! Thankfully my T called me 4 days later because she knew I needed the contact, but that contact with her, hearing her voice, was the only thing that was able to ground me and help bring me back to center. I too was off worrying about stuff like you are, and I have done that so many times. I think that Jones is right; what you're going through makes a lot of sense and is totally normal, and I don't think your T would judge you or think your feelings are strange or anything. I think you are (and don't take offense at this, please) blowing it out of proportion because you are in that insecure state feeling anxious (separation-individuation, or separation anxiety?) so your fears and just disproportionate to reality. I personally think if you can let him know how you're feeling, and maybe if you can have some sort of phone contact with him during your "vacation" it will help to ease your fears a bit. Just my two cents. Take care, and keep us posted.

MTF
mayomayoMember
Hi TN,
I completely get your feelings of disconnect. In fact I am working on the same issue myself.
For me- during the last session, I was complaining about something, and he asked me why I was so sad. I either sort of ignored the question or didn't answer. I didn't want to go where he was hinting, I did not want to do the work and look at some painful stuff, because frankly I was thinking there was nothing to look at. He asked again- where is the sadness coming from? Again- I ignored it.
Then his attitude seemed to change slightly, he was rather dismisssive of what I had to say. I did not feel important somehow. I left feeling almost rejected.
Of course- I was not aware of any of this until days later.
I wrote my T a letter trying to explain how I felt. He should get the letter today. I am going to try and cut and paste a part of the letter.

Dear T,
This is what I’ve learned today- when I am stuck in session, and I don’t go in to process, I don’t hear you, and I get very little from our time together. (There is no limbic resonance) I don’t know why I am sad- the child within is sad but silent and I don’t know why.
I learned that I would rather not see you than leave feeling worse than I did when I arrived.
I learned- I need to be more dependent on God and less on you.
…A few days later 3/24/10
I know what happened. It is a little thing, but big to me.
I have always felt important to you, but today I didn’t.

I have to change my next appointment so I called him today (we are all in his cell phone) and he answered while shopping at Staples. I don't know why this made me feel better, but it did. Anyway he is calling me back tonight with appointment change- and he should have read my letter by then. ( I do write to him quite often, so the letter thing is not unusual) Sometimes I can be bolder, completely honest, and direct in my letters, but not so much face to face.
Anyway- all of this just to say- I too wrestle with, and HATE the disconnect. Often it is me, but sometimes it is him. When it is him- he will apologize. The strength I get from that is awesome.
Be good to yourself. Can you call him instead of seeing him for that period of time when you can't see him?
Hele
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi MTF and thanks for writing. It must be so hard for you to have to wait two weeks all the time to see your T. Those uber connected sessions really rock, don't they? It just makes you want more because it feels so darn good. And that feeling of walking out after a session like that is so hard. I say the bad sessions are bad but sometimes the really good ones are bad too because its gut-wrenching to leave them. I know I would probably feel better having some connection with my T but yesterday and today were holidays for him and I didn't want to intrude so I didn't contact him. Aside from that I was so busy today that I was able to put him out of my mind for awhile.

It was good to hear from you Incognito and yes, I am frustrated by my inability to communicate to him just how scary everything is feeling to me now. I just wish he could accept my feelings without trying to tell me what to do. Thanks for your words of support.

Hi Jones, sorry you feel these disconnects as well. It may just be the separation anxiety and feeling like he's not there now. I try really hard to hold onto that feeling of connectedness but sometimes it's hard. I can hold it for a few days and sometimes not longer than a few minutes and it feels like he's gone and our relationship was just something I made up in my head. If it was real then he would understand how I was feeling and how scary it was to walk out and not see him for two weeks. Aside from that I just struggle with fear in general about everything I do. It's amazing I ever do anything feeling like this, but it's been worse lately. Maybe because I've been digging up a lot of feelings and emotions lately in therapy. But all it makes me think is that I'm hopeless because I just don't see any solution to my fears and phobias.

Thanks for the support.

TN
starfishstarfishMember
TN
I am totally with you on this one and in so many ways too!

Have had several weeks of 'good' sessions and then out of the blue it's just not clicked ad the whole thing has been wrong. I sometimes wonder if we should rate our sessions at the end for 'usefulness and connection' Big Grin to let our Ts know so they too can reflect on it. Mine is definitely worse when there are long periods of no sessions coming up, my T obviously doesn't want to go anywhere too taxing for me because of that and a lot is left unsaid. So I feel like 'what was the point of thst then?' - was that my fault or hers?

As for the travelling - am with you there too. Love being away once I am there, but the thought of going sends me into a real spin. Have a real need to be home and safe and the unfamiliar scares me too. Better if I travel with my husband, much worse without. But I make myself do it - not sure if it ever gets easier but it's another thing I do't want to beat me. My T seems to understand, even though she's a bit of an intrepid traveller herself.

So maybe I can't help you much TN, but know you are not alone in your fears and difficulties Smiler

starfish
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
{{{{{True North}}}}}

You've already received so much great support, I don't have much to add...I just wanted to say I'm sorry your last session ended with you feeling so disconnected, especially with having to face the prospect of entertaining guests in a way that makes you feel unsafe. I think you are right about the separation anxiety, that makes a lot of sense because doesn't that get worse when we are feeling unsafe? I wish that you could successfully touch base with him in between now and your next session, just enough to get that reassurance that might calm your anxiety. I'm glad you are posting here and getting such great support. Hang in there, TN, and keep posting if you need to! Big Grin

Hugs,
SG
D doneMember
quote:

I'm not sure what I'm saying here. I guess I'm curious if any of you go through weeks of therapy feeling really good, safe and connected and really "heard" and then for some unexplained reason the attunement just goes right out the window. Of course I tend to turn things back to me... I didn't explain clearly enough, I should never have told him that these things scare me because now I feel humiliated and he's sitting there thinking, what a total mess she is and thank goodness she's only a patient or she would drive me crazy with her issues.

TN


Yes, TN, I know exactly what you mean. I'm only seeing my P once a month now, in part because things were going so well and I felt so good about our sessions, that I figured it would be a good time to try to "wean" off therapy... Now that I've written that, it makes no sense, but it did at the time. But the truth is that after a month away, it is SO DIFFICULT to walk in and feel any sort of connection, or to feel like he even remembers me at all. I know that he does, but I can't help but do the math in my head and think about the dozens of patients he's seen since I last saw him, and how can I possibly mean anything to him...

Now I'm rambling. Red Face
I hope your two weeks zooms by an things are great once you get back in. Hang in there.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Echo you make perfect sense. It's so hard to walk back in after a long break and feel like you still know him. It's almost like we are strangers again and I have to try to re-establish the trust again in my mind. To try to remember who he is and how he is. Then again, when I'm gone for awhile I play the math game too and I can really feel like if I'm not seeing him he will forget who I am because I'm not important to him. If I'm not there for sessions to remind him that I exist... then I will cease to exist in his life and I will disappear or he will or the relationship will. It just feels so threatening. It feels like I will walk back in after 2 weeks and he will blink and look at me as if to say... now who are you again? And what were we working on?

Thanks AG.

SG...I could probably try to call him but we don't have a good history on the phone so I hesitate. What happens if that makes things worse? Aside from that there is a smattering of anger to all of this... that he doesn't even care if I leave for 2 weeks or forever...what's the difference. And so I'm keeping my distance from him.

Starfish thanks for the support. It seems those sessions before a break never work out very well... so many emotions to deal with and so hard to explain.

TN

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