Hi SongBird.

I'm not so good at expressing myself with words either, but I think you'll get the idea of what I am saying ...

I read your note and immediately felt for you when I read how you feel responsible for what happened to you at the hands of your mother when you were a child. I possibly had similar issues with my mother as a child and also blame myself for how she treated me because God knows, I must have been doing something to deserve what I got, or didn't get.

Yet, today I feel responsible for the cancer that killed her at 52, after spending my childhood wishing that she would die a painful death. Regardless, who was there to help her through the last year of her life? Me, and I ask myself WHY all the time!

I don't know what your story is, but I just wanted to say that you are doing the right thing by showing up for her birthday, it shows that you are a very strong person. I don't think I will ever regret that last year of my mothers life, no matter how much I resented it at the time.

Be well!

Holly

Hi Holly,

I don't think I've 'met' you before, HELLO

I think you've expressed yourself very clearly there! And thanks for replying, it means a lot to me!

I totally relate to blaming yourself for her cancer, just doing the same with my mum's decline. Sad isn't it! And now that I've came accross that feeling inside me I notice i'm doing it a lot, blaming myself for blaming myself... not very useful but there you go. Even caught myself trying to rip that feeling out of my hart but that just doesn't work does it. Did that ever dissipate for you? hope you don't mind me asking...

It's amazing you were able to look after your mum at end. I imagine that must have been a very painful time for you - I couldn't.

thanks!
SB

Hi Songbird,
I totally get the blame game, I felt that way for a long time. That all of the abuse was my fault.

We tend to automatically go straight (do not pass go, do not collect $200) to it being our fault or something wrong with us. This is a typical defense when we're young. Our life literally depends on our caretakers so if something goes wrong we blame it on ourselves so that our caretakers remain perfect and safe although unfortunately that may not be the case.
So it makes perfect sense to me that you blamed yourself. But that doesn't mean that's the truth. Not even close.

You were an innocent child, utterly dependent and it is our caregiver's responsibility to get their needs met elsewehere and to take care of us. That you're mother failed to do that is her wrongdoing, not yours. I know that you probably know this, but you can't hear it enough times.

And I love your poetry, there is incredibly strong imagery that evokes feelings in me that I struggle to articulate. Thanks for sharing that.

AG

Hi SB,

I don't think we have exchanged words till now, I just started in this forum about a week ago. It's been really wonderful to have people to talk with who are going through similar situations either in life or in Therapy.

My mother has been gone for 13 years (on March 18th) and to be totally honest with you, my feelings of guilt get worse every year. I see my friends or my partner with their mothers and I wish everyday that I could have had that relationship and if I had maybe done things differently as a child (even though people tell me that I did much more than I should have had to do as a child), or maybe if I had spent less time hating her and more time trying to love her, I could have had THAT relationship with my mother too. So I beat myself up continually over that and I'm sure that's where the guilt comes from, not trying hard enough, and of course her early death had to be from my years of praying that she would just die. I totally hear you on blaming yourself for blaming yourself too!!! I thought I was a real nut when I started to do that. So to answer your question ... Does the guilt dissipate? Not for me, at least not yet. I'm hoping that my psychiatrist will be able to help me with that as it is really my biggest issue. The hate has dissipated with time, I think. I question it because my P doesn't seem to agree with me.

As far as caring for her in her last year. She kept her cancer a secret for a year before even telling me about it, and by then she was in stage 4 ovarian cancer and it had spread despite the surgeries. Our family had adopted a mentally/physically handicapped infant when I was a child, so he was still at home with her when she was so ill. I think that at the time I was really more concerned about being there to care for him, more than her. She didn't want to die alone in a hospital so I promised to care for her in her home until she passed. That was a HUGE thing for me to take on, and an even larger task considering our relationship, even as I was an adult. It was painful often as that's when my guilt started regarding my making her die, and wishing that it would go away so we could try again. I've never mourned her passing which also adds more guilt about being selfish. It really never ends for me.

As for saying you couldn't do it ... it's funny what you do for someone that you feel you have no love or respect for. I didn't think I would be able to do it either, but there I was, and part of me is grateful for that time I had with her.

If you're interested in talking more, I'd love to chat and share stories with you. Maybe we can help each other

Take care,

Holly

AG,

quote:

I know that you probably know this, but you can't hear it enough times.

Well, my head knows but I can’t feel it… I reckon I will need to go over that particular territory 1000s of times before it sinks in. Actually, thanks, only 999 times now

quote:

And I love your poetry, there is incredibly strong imagery that evokes feelings in me that I struggle to articulate. Thanks for sharing that.

Thanks AG, it’s partially my little girl self writing these poems and she’s loving your praise BIG TIME! Me too

But re struggling, I have to say you articulate yourself so eloquently in your posts, I really admire that!



Holly,

From what you say about your mum I think you loved her very, very much, sharing her final time with her, even if you say that you didn’t. That really was a huge thing to do and you can be proud of that that big gift you gave her! It must have cost you a great deal of strength being confronted with old pains every day unable to change anything plus having a handicapped adopted brother to look after. Please, please don’t blame yourself for it! It shows the absolute opposite of selfishness from where I am standing! The bottom line is we didn’t deserve any of the rotten treatment dished out to us, not then and not now! That you didn’t pay her back for her treatment of you during her illness, has my deep respect! perhaps you didn’t want her dead after all? Only the part of her that treated you badly??? Don’t know just a thought…

But I think therapy will help you to unravel that bundle of feelings. My t said to me recently, I won’t be able to resolve my guilt/blame/loss/hate issues with my mum directly (her dementia is too far gone), I have to do it with him. Which I hope I can at some point.

Anyway, now that I have to spend a week with her, I make a fuss about it like I was being posted to Iran or something. And this is just a week, not a whole year!

So, I’ll be away now without internet for a week, but I’d love to talk more when I’m back!

Till then
SB

SB

Good luck in the trenches

Did I say I didn't pay her back while I was caring for her? I think I did treat her poorly at times when I was beyond exhaustion, and when she was being too demanding/needy. I'd give her another jolt of Morphine just to get an hour of peace Seriously, I wasn't evil to her, just very short at times. I hated her as a child, but as an adult I know more of what she was going through, but I have always been angry and hurt about what she did to me, and how she treated me. You are right,as an adult I didn't want her dead and suffering .. I wanted to reverse everything and have another chance to work through things with her. But chances are she would have been the same person again if she recovered.

Anywho, you probably won't see this till you get back so I won't go on about it. Thursday I think I will talk to my P about her and see where we end up.

Thanks,

Holly

Back from the trenches

Not quite as bad as thought it might be but am I glad to be back home! Feeling worse than before and soooooo exhausted! My mum is this little bird needing constant feeding / feedback to reduce her insecurity, make her feel alive and who else than dutyful eldest daughter to provide the service. And who do I get angry with??? Myself rather than her of course .

I will have to keep an eye on whether I make other people work that hard for my identity too...

Enough for now, back to bed...

SB

((((((SB )))))))
Glad to have you back and even happier you survived!! It's good to hear from you; be gentle with yourself, you deserve that right now.

AG

Thanks AG, HB!

I thought I had done quite well with a few new coping strategies in place. But the visit has brought up so much that I am still unaware off. Just feeling the after effect in as much as my concentration is down, my stress are levels up and being gentle with myself, what was that again??????

SB