This sounds pretty serious soulfuldaze, you sound like you are in a very difficult place and need help - maybe something other than what your T is able to provide. Do you have any other medical professionals you see that could maybe help get you a little more into the light so to speak?

(((((SD)))))

Whoa, I hope you get some replies to your post. You are obviously hurting and questioning and I know there are lots of people here who will want to help and encourage you. And I don't think you will drag them down, they are pretty strong that way. We are helping each other.

If you have read my posts about what happened in my own therapy, then you know I've been struggling too. I also felt off-balance during therapy and wondered if the work was going somewhere or if I was just chasing my own tail. I also felt lost to my own family and wondered if therapy was just taking me farther away into my own self-absorption.

But then, I looked at how I was before therapy...the problems I was having made me lost to my family anyway. So there was really nowhere to go but forward. I know I read somewhere here that in effective therapy, sometimes things seem to get worse before they get better. One reason could be is that I'm trying to rewire some pretty entrenched patterns of thinking, believing, and doing. Rewiring can get pretty messy in the middle of the project and seem worse at the time. Especially because it's wiring I can't seem to get to by just "understanding" that it needs to be changed. It needs to be changed through the relationship with the therapist, which can get very messy and confusing. But the goal to keep in mind is that when it's finished, things will run more smoothly.

The other reason things might have seemed worse is because my therapist wasn't fully attuned to what I was saying or needing. Well, apparently that was part of the problem because my therapy derailed. But it happened because I was being honest, so maybe it needed to derail. Maybe I was needing a type of therapy that my T doesn't or can't do. The pain of that misunderstanding drove me to find out more about what kind of therapy I am looking for. And maybe now it will lead to finding a T who is a better fit for me.

The derailment also led me to letting people on this board know what's going on with me and to accept their help and encouragement. It's also given me more compassion for the struggles others are going through and the desire to reach out and try to give some comfort back, even when I don't have any advice.

I can really feel the pain in your description of feeling stuck in the therapy. Have you discussed this with your T? What does she say? Even if what she said doesn't make sense to you right now, can you post about it here? Like I said I don't have any advice, but by reaching out, hopefully you will find that you don't have to be alone in the dark. And there are lots of folks on this board who have been where you are, who have gotten through the dark place and can give you some hope that the sun will shine again.

You did the right thing in reaching out. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

SG

Hi SD,
Thank you so much for posting and reaching out, I have been wondering how you were doing. I am sorry you are in such a dark place. I can hear how overwhelming and confusing the pain is. And that you are losing a sense of "self." No one should have to endure what you're feeling right now. But I don't believe it's possible to actually destroy our personhood. Shatter it, confuse it, bow it down but not to destroy it. Our drive toward life is too strong. I hope that you can take encouragement from knowing that even in the midst of this darkness you reached out, for comfort, for connection and for a way out of darkness. You are so much stronger than you know.

I recently hit some very deep grief which I finally allowed myself to experience with my T. When I came out of it, I realized that for my whole life I had believed that I was a hollowed out core. That my "self" had been carved out and filled with pain years ago, that for years I had just been going through the motions. So I believed that if I actually went to my core and my feelings, all that I would find was pain. But I found something very different. On the other side of the grief, I found joy and the self that had survived despite all that had happened. My T and I spent some time discussing our drive towards life, how when we should be past all hope, still we strive towards life. I see you doing that now. I know you feeling hopeless and I don't want to at all minimize the very real pain you're in. But don't give up. I believe there is another side to this.

I also want you to know that you are loved and cared for here. I hope that you can find some relief soon.

((((((((((((((SD)))))))))))))))

AG

Hi SD. I want to echo a lot of what was said above i.e. thanks for speaking on the forum, your post is not too dark-you are just expressing yourself and I hope the replies keep coming.

I can relate to what you're feeling to an extent. I feel like my life has changed completely since I started therapy. I went from being this really stressed and driven person to someone who has learned very painful if eventually healing things about myself, I was prescribed antidepressants, spent almost every week of the past 10 months in a counsellors office, developed strong transference feelings for my T, deferred my college year and now have no idea where I'm going or who I am etc. etc. It's very strange and unsettling. I tend to see things these days in so many different ways, just walking down the street things seem so different. It kinda reminds me of the Yeat's quote " All is changed, changed utterly, a terrible beauty is born". I guess the beauty part is the relationship I've had with my T, the things I've discovered about myself.

The terrible on the other hand is how I am feeling now and the fear and anxiety I feel most of the time. I almost feel like I've been woken up from a dream, that most people are going around ignoring everything so as not to become as depressed and confused as I am. I really don't know how some people just go to work and not think about it all. I often wonder what the hell life is all about too. But maybe that's just me.

Perhaps this is a stupid question but have you told your T that the difficulties you've been having with therapy or is it just too hard? And rest assured I'm not trivializing how you feel because I know what it's like (scarily enough) to look at absolutely every part of life and the world and see nothingness. It sounds like you really need someone to help you and support you through this. I understand you wanting to protect your family but they love you and they don't want you to suffer alone. I'm sure they want to be by your side regardless of the situation. And, to be honest, they will reap the benefits when you're feeling a bit better. So don't be scared to reach out to them.

Take care
x

Thanks all....

Thank you River, AG and HB. Good to read you all again. SG...and CL...thank you so much for your kind words of support I've been reading your posts...it's nice to meet you.

I think I'm OK...just in a really dark place. I'm not afraid of the dark, (love your analogy HB...I know that cave well, every wall of it) Unfortunately...this is the quote that comes to my mind right now. It does have a beauty of it's own. Darkness is so patient. hmmmm.....

~Light thinks it travels faster than anything.....but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first.....and is waiting for it.~

My T is working very hard, I feel sorry for her sometimes, I know it must be pretty stressful for her. She would probably never tell me so...but I know it is. We both have a lot of time invested in this project called "me".
I hope it doesn't turn out to be The Never Ending Story 5.234 Damn...I'm too old to be doing this again.....

AG??? How many times did you have to repeat this crap??? Now if I take your number and multiply it by 10 maybe I'll make it...that is....if I live to be 140 and share the same retirement home as my T.

Tonight I find myself flooded with emotions....you know....crying for no apparent reason...angry, at anything that would otherwise be enjoyable. I have this feeling of self-loathing that just will not let up. The pain of it is so intense.

The biggest problem with all of this, is that I can't seem to stay verbal. I try very hard...but I have some kind of distortion that makes all my words sound like a foreign language to me. It scares me into silence. I know...it's a weird thing. My fear is that it is psychotic and just something I am going to have to endure until it passes.

I'm still working on the art gallery...some I just can't show to anyone yet. I am sleeping more now than I was...but the dreams and dream work is just as difficult as everything else.

I guess I'll just try to hang on and keep working on it. If I could afford to increase the length of my sessions it would probably help, my T is willing to do that, but right now...it is beyond my means. And geez...5 hours a week should be enough! GOOD GRIEF!!! You'd think that after 20 years of this stuff....my T and I would be really sick of each other. Just like graduation day...I half expect her to hand me a watch and some luggage and say: "It's time to go." *chuckling....inappropriately...gallows humor*

What I'd really like to do....is buy her some new artwork, just so I would have something different to look at. Do you think she would be offended?

Anyway...I'll try to post more often, and get more involved. It's hard to help others when I'm treading water, but I know it is good for me....and the right thing to do. Finding the time to do so and keep my family happy is another issue.

Don't worry HB....I'll sit with the darkness....the light will get here....eventually.

Thank you all....and thanks for the hugs...they are hard to come by right now.

SD

Hi SD,

I'm start backwards (as usual!)- I don't think you need to fret about helping people on here, if you can it's fine and if you don't feel like it then don't push yourself. IF all you want to do is just vent and let it all out I think that's fine. Just my opinion.

As for your T, I'm sure it's hard for both of ye, not just her. She's just as eager as you to help you through all of this and there's no (fortunately or unfortunately) set time limit. We're all different, we all have different needs.

The other point that stuck out from your post is your inability to put things into word/ say things when you feel so down. I get a very similar feeling. I'm so angry and down on myself that i just don't want to talk to anyone as I'm so filled with self-digust and self-loathing. It is very hard. At that point all I can do is stay silent and try to let it pass as at that time there is nothing I can do to make things change.

But again I think it's important that you let yourself be this way, not to pressure yourself to act or think a certain way. You are in pain and there is no point in trying to put up a brave face. Your energy is much better spent trying to figure out why you feel this way, getting to the root of the thing and working your way up from there.

I don't know if it's any consolation but I know how you feel x

Mrs. P