Hi,
For some years now I've had a certain feeling in the centre of my body just below the rib cage in the stomach area. It kind of feels like tension but also an emptiness too. It also feels a little bit like it blocks emotion through my body.
I think I used to be more emotional when I was younger (i'm 21 now and believe it began around age 18 but its hard to tell), I would be moved by beautiful sunsets, music or films. Laugh a little easier and cry harder and longer. Now I feel a little more dead inside.
I don't seem to get excited about things either. I've travelled new Zealand and Australia and remember thinking the whole time I should be more excited (which I barely was) or more amazed by what I had seen. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, but its like I see that it's beautiful but not feel that it's beautiful.
My dad recently told me my dog had a brain tumour and had a few weeks to a few months left. Of course I cried but It has only been a few times and in short bursts and I have seemed to move on quite quick considering how much he means to me (at least think he means to me). But then again I havnt seen him much in the last couple of years because he's been living with dad in oz so maybe that's eased it the pain?
Anyway, everything in life seems to be just 'alright' or good but never amazing. I just seem to be lacking a little flare or passion and wish I could feel the warm glow within me again.
Now, the only thing I can put this down to Is my use of recreational drugs like ecstasy which I've had my fair share of since 16/17. I wonder if its damaged some kind of emotional receptor in the brain? I've also been a weed smoker on and off since 15 too but now im more or less moving away from all that.
I've started meditation and yoga and im hoping it will help me identify my self again soon!
On the whole I guess im happy, but someone told me the other day that the person you are when you're 21 is the person you are for the rest of your life, which saddens me because im definitely not self satisfied.
Maybe, ultimately, its all just a mental thing that I need to overcome somehow (time?) Or maybe I just question myself way too much and this is how i've always been or how I was always meant to be? Iv'e never been in love or in a relationship of any real kind for that matter which frustrates me because I know myself to be a good looking guy with a good personality (I don't normally say that but since im on a confessional run this eve) and ultimately im the sort of guy who yearns for another half. And don't get the idea that im a player either, you could count my intimate experiences with woman on one hand!! Anyhoo, I hope from all this, some one could offer some helpful words but I guess I should probably just go see a councillor for that and sorry for dragging this out i didn't intend to go off on one there!!
Andrewx