quote:

Overall, I feel incredibly alone. It’s more than just lonely. It is to this degree that it is incredibly deep, and feels like the worst existential pain ever. It’s so hard to bear, I keep dissociating it out, and then everything feels unreal, which is only making everything worse.

(((Jane)))) I'm sorry, I have little to no time right now, but I wanted to tell you that this sounds utterly familiar to me and I believe it is a memory that is being triggered by all the stress and disruption. Moving to a new place and being alone is evoking what I think are very early, inchoate relational experiences. Whenever I have gone deep into my grief over my childhood losses, at the center I find what you are experiencing.

So try to have compassion on yourself. This isn't about you being weak or not competent, I just think you're remembering real experiences that were truly overwhelming and would have been for anyone subjected to them.

The best way I have found to handle it, is to do what you are doing. Reach out for connection, ground yourself and as much as possible recognize that you are no longer in that terrible isolation. I am sorry for the pain you are in.



AG

I agree with AG. I think what you're experiencing is a kind of emotional flashback. Actually it sounds exactly how I felt right before I left oldT, when interestingly enough you were the one person who seemed to understand how I was feeling and be able to talk me down from it. I wish I could be as helpful to you now as you were to me then. All I can say is that you've been through so much stress that I think it's triggered you into experiencing some trauma that is probably preverbal. So all you know is this feeling of complete aloneness and terror, and it feels for all the world like it's the present reality, except it isn't. You're not that isolated now, and you're not helpless either. I guess I would agree with AG's advice. Just keep doing anything you can to reach out and to ground yourself in the present.

AG ~ thank you so much for taking what little time you had to respond. There is something about what I am feeling that feels something simillar to the feeling I would have as a kid to be crying out for someone like my dad, and the deep pain of his abandonment and disconnection. In my most raw moments right now, I find myself deeply wanting to call my mom, and long to have her be a good mom so badly, and not respond to me like she normally does, or even respond to me like an adult, but like a kid. I wish she could come fly out and just be WITH me. Nothing else, just be with me, and maybe even hug me and hold me. And tell me everything would be ok.

But that's not her. The reality of things is that she doesn't respond to me as an adult like that, and rarely did that as a kid - and never did that when I was in horrible pain over the abandonment of my father.

And when I moved to the town I am in now, I lost my sense of belonging to a community that felt like a second family... it was a little like losing my dad all over again when I moved here... in the middle of surviving trauma that happened two days before the move, and I just survived and stuffed and ignored those feelings as much as I could because I didn't have the strength to face them at the time. And now this move has been surrounded with trauma again. And I'm almost without any family, few friends, sorting through excommunication from a my church and not connected to any regular job, school, or volunteer work yet to even help fill a little of the need... And I'm not sure I have the strength now to face them, but it seems that this time, I have no choice. They are hitting me so hard, I see no way forward without somehow getting through this and lessening this.

quote:

This isn't about you being weak or not competent, I just think you're remembering real experiences that were truly overwhelming and would have been for anyone subjected to them.

This gave me a moment of hope of relief that brought tears. I hope so much that I'm not just inherently damaged, but that this could be faced and healed. Right now it is just kicking my butt.

quote:

The best way I have found to handle it, is to do what you are doing. Reach out for connection, ground yourself and as much as possible recognize that you are no longer in that terrible isolation.

The terrible isolation as a kid? and the trrible isolation that happened in the middle of trauma?

This will help? What I am doing to find new places and community to connect with? I don't know who or how to reach out to right now. But I am here, and I am so glad you all are here. I am looking into other options too. (I litterally signed up for a bazillion meetup groups today - thinking I might find one where I could meet new people and find some friends to just do some fun things together with in common.) I have made a plan to have lunch with a friend this weekend - she is a rare kind of friend that I could show up in a pile of tears and she would not be too shaken, even though she would be concerned. But I am so desperate for connection, it scares me how desperate I am. (I hope I'm not freaking anyone out by posting here) I don't want to overwhelm anyone...

oh dear... the pain and loss that is wrapped up in the utterly alone feelinsg is so core, so deep, it feel like the very ground below my feet is unsteady...

BLT ~ Oh, I remember what you wrote feeling the same kind of stuff before leaving old T. Oh it helps my heart to remember I am not alone in even just feeling this horrible pain. It is so profound. Shakes me to my core.

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You're not that isolated now, and you're not helpless either.

You are right. I think I do need to just keep reaching out and keep at this, and in time, this might get better. Gosh I hope so. The terror is nightmarishly awful. I have been shivering and shaking and breaking out in cold sweats today trying to endure it. Eventually, it should pass... (right?) this is just a bad spot I am in. I have this horrible notion that this won't change, that this is the real here and now... I think that is the dissociation wrecking havoc with my sense of being able to be present and feel like things are real. But if I keep grounding, it has got to help lessen that.

I feel so lost somehow. Thank you for seeing me and responding. I don't know why, but it helps a lot right now.

I'm working on keeping breathing, slow deep breaths, as I whether this... and begin to look through the possible places of connection, even light connection, with people that I might be able to find, even if only in small ways... maybe I could manage that without overwhelming anyone.

I think I might reach out to an old friend back in the state where I grew up, and just call and ask if we can chat, and catch up. I'm so disscoiated and fearful, she might notice, but maybe she would be willing to just chat about light stuff anyhow and maybe that would help? Oh I dunno...

I feel like my soul is like a fleeting thing. whoa. This is intense and so scary.

Thank you again for the responses, they are helping.

jane

JD, I think calling someone just to chat about something light is a really good idea. I don't know about you, but sometimes I can be in a horrible place emotionally, and yet when I get on the phone with someone it can help to snap me back into "normal" mode again. I know that when you're feeling so traumatized, the last thing you want to do sometimes is go out in public or talk to someone about the weather or your favorite TV show or whatever, but sometimes those are the absolute best things you can do, because they remind you of what is comforting and normal in life.

I don't know if this would work for you, bot another thing that helps me sometimes when I'm really frightened or something is to play some kind of game that only requires quick thinking but no emotions. Like for example, here's a site with math games designed for young kids: http://www.funbrain.com/brain/...Brain/MathBrain.html For some reason I find that doing simple math seems to take me out of my emotional brain for a while, but it probably wouldn't work if you had bad experiences in math class as a kid or anything. But there are also games on line for geography or other stuff. It's harder to have lots of scary thoughts when you're trying to remember the state capitols. I dunno if it would help right now but...anything is worth a try!

janedoe,
Sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take it away. I empathize with the feeling of complete aloneness. I've had moments of feeling like I don't belong anywhere- not even in this world. While it's not the same, you have us here on the forum to keep sharing with. I'm listening and with you in spirit.
Take care,
Raven

Hi JD:

I was there a few years ago, after my divorce. Of course, everyone is different. As you know, I can never assume to know your pain or that of anyone else, but I do understand the essence of it. And at times like these, it is so very important to be HEARD..

You mentioned existential pain, which I find interesting. Does it feel like it is about the past AND the future? (for me, it was a deep sense of the inevitability of death, and often an acute awareness that I am likely to spend the rest of my life alone. My triggers are big, cold and dark places (in nature)... that I feel "swallowed" by.

Often this kind of pain cannot be explained in everyday language. This is where art and music and poetry can help. I have written some of my best poems in this state, but of course, after the state of numbness/dissociation subsides. Do you think this may help? It can be any creative process, not just the obvious ones. I think you have it in you, a way of describing in poetic language what is going on.

Even though many of us went through some horrible traumas, experiences that resulted in pain which should not be invalidated or minimized, it is also a universal human experience to feel gut-wrenching existential pain. What happens when they are combined?

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I feel like my soul is like a fleeting thing. whoa. This is intense and so scary.

Yes.

quote:

But I am so desperate for connection, it scares me how desperate I am. (I hope I'm not freaking anyone out by posting here) I don't want to overwhelm anyone...

oh dear... the pain and loss that is wrapped up in the utterly alone feelinsg is so core, so deep, it feel like the very ground below my feet is unsteady...

No, you are not freaking us out by a long shot!!! Feeling disconnected is VERY intense!!!

I very much agree with the original posters about finding a way to bring yourself back to a state of "normal" if it feels too overwhelming. For me, that meant that being outside in the dark in winter was going to trigger me (I could also not go in public places at that time) I needed to go inside, light a candle, and connect somehow.

That's where we can help. You are not alone. Tell us about what grounds you, what inspires you, or perhaps even the ways you decide to "sit with" or "go through" the pain. Or whatever comes to mind :

Forgive me, but I would like to recommend a few books. One is called Dark Nights of the Soul by Thomas Moore. the other is called Healing Through Dark Emotions by Miriam Greenspan. In addition to books about trauma etc., these books also talk about existential pain, how to make friends with it, and what it means to come out on the other side.

I promise I will never be one of those who invalidate your pain by telling you that you can "choose to be happy" These books are far more sophisticated and respectful of those in pain.

Keep writing, know that you will be heard, and again, that you are NOT alone!!

Thanks so much for the helpful responses. I'm having a hard time writting today. Yesterday, the feelings got a little better. Today, these feelings are all back, very intensely, with a vengence. I keep reminding myself that it will likely get better again, but wow, this is a horrible and painful place to be stuck in again today. I'm having a hard time expressing my thoughts today, but thinking I will give it a try anyhow.


BLT ~ Thanks for the good ideas! Math games, or and kind of thinking type of game does seem to help me endure though feelings. I will give it a try! I have a couple of books with different kinds of logic puzzles, word games, and number games. Now that I am thinking, it is easy to put in my bag and do just about anywhere. Thanks!

Raven ~ thank you for the encouragement and being with me in this. It helps.

number9 ~

quote:

You mentioned existential pain, which I find interesting. Does it feel like it is about the past AND the future? (for me, it was a deep sense of the inevitability of death, and often an acute awareness that I am likely to spend the rest of my life alone.

Yes it does feel this is as much about the future as it is about the past. I do deeply fear that the rest of my life I will keep living single and alone... I thinking moving out of a place where I had roommates (although awful ones) and into a place of my own, brought out this feeling even more. I can't go on facebook while dealing with this, becaus ethe pictures of my friends with their families and kids is way too hard and makes this all the worse. 6 months ago, I used to have a sense of belonging to a community, through my faith, even though I was single and struggling. Now that I think about it, I was recently ex-communicated (long story) and while my faith itself is still intact, the sense of belonging somewhere in my life, anywhere in my life, is increased because of losing that piece of community and belonging in my life. Because of some other recent events, I postponed going back to school to this summer, and I feel so out of place everywhere while trying to figure out what to do with my life, including where to go to school...

I am curious about your idea of using art or poetry to express this awful place. I was thinking about this last night, and I wrote a letter, to God, expressing all my confusion and doubt and sense of aloneness. It was painful but grounding too.

I"m glad I'm not freaking anyone else out! I am sure freaked out by own own feelings and state right now.

I talked to my T yesterday about this. She was quite kind and kep asking me questions, trying to notice anything that helped me a bit. She started to ask me about something someone did, something she knows makes me angry - and for a moment, this feeling went away. Your question about what inspires me, just thinking of what I love, what I long to do, it seems to bring this feeling down - only for seconds, like the anger with my T - but still, precious seconds of some relief...

Thanks for the book suggestions! I have heard of the book, Dark Nights of the Soul - I think I will go get it from the library. I'm curious about the Healing Through Dark Emotions book too. I will go look them up! Thanks!!! It helps so much to know that others have felt the same too.

~ jane

(((((JANE)))))

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. Moving is a big deal even if it's not that far way. It's very stressful. I hope you are able to settle in soon and get to know your new neighborhood.

HUGS,

Liese

Hi JD:

Sounds like you are doing some of that creative work. Distraction works well for me too, for a while, until it doesn't.

I know that we are often told to just "tolerate" our emotions. Yeah, ok... but WHY? That is a good question to ask. Not because we want instant gratification, or even release from our pain. I just like to know that maybe there is a reason.

One of those books, I can't remember which, dedicates almost a whole chapter to Jonah in the belly of the Whale.

Another chapter talks about how our spirits are more mature and interesting when we have been through these experiences, the dark nights of the soul. That's what makes Johnny Cash interesting (that's obvious) but also artists like Humphrey Bogart- there is this quality he had, the came through in his acting... T. Moore calls it "Black Sunshine". I like that. Works better for me than puppy dogs and rainbows.

I agree with another point that he makes that simply "choosing to be happy" is kind of a "Spiritual Bypass". Meaning that there are no shortcuts, and we don't achieve spiritual maturity by pretending that the dark side does not exist. (It's amazing how many people cannot tolerate pain/darkness in themselves, or others) I guess it's hard to know what light is without the dark, and all that jazz....

It's not a "suck it up" message, it just gives meaning and depth to these awful, intense feelings of feeling very, very alone.

I"m not sure if I'm saying anything relevant here, I tend to get philosophical. I'm going to be a dork and tell you that I am really getting into fantasy novels lately, and when I'm feeling down I watch LOTR or some silly Joss Whedon series. Again.

You had also mentioned FB. It depresses me as well, and I spend little time there lately. Especially around the holidays, everyone assumes that everyone else has friends and family to confide in. It's like a constant flow of triggers. Arrgh.

Hope you are feeling better, and that it holds!

sorry it has taken me awhile to come back to this... I've made some progress with this, only to be hit hard with one of my 2 Ts annoucing that she is moving away. Now, I'm a mix of grief and it keeps bringing this up for me. It feels less surreal, and more deeply scary.

Liese ~ thank you for the encouragement. I am slowly begining to get to know the neighbors in my building, and adjusting to the new place. I think finally being unpacked is helping.

number9 ~ I ordered the book "Healing Through Dark Emotions" and it has been SO helpful, especially with the grief and loss and the spiritual aspect of things... so good that my T said today that she is going to get her own copy and read it with me. Thank you so much for the suggestion!

The questions you ask and what you write about really reasonates with me.

I've been struggling with being present with my own anger, and there is something deeply healing when I walk through it, almost honor it, instead of just try to fix it...

My T and friends and even my family keep saying I've been different lately, in good ways, in ways I don't quite understand - like I just can't quite see what they are seeing in me right now - but I know that as I walk through this dark time, I do keep changing.

I'm not sure I've ever sat with so much pain in myself in my life. I have felt all this pain before, and I stuffed it or tried to make ti go away, or make it easier - and while that wasn't all bad to do, something is different this time. My perspective on life keeps shofting very deeply too - not further away from what I believe, but deeper into it. It's so confusing and I just can't explain it all very well right now.

The feeling of being utterly keep hitting me like a truck though. I've been able to put more words to it, and my T says it's really important matter to walk through, and that I will end up being able to live for fully alive as I walk through this, but the pain and fear keeps shaking me to the deepest core of my being. My reg T says the feelings are something she thinks is very pre-verbal, much deeper than seperation anxiety or abandonment fears even.

I just hope that there is good that comes of walking through this. I know it keeps shifting how I connect to people IRL, in ways that I keep being told are good. People say they feel like I'm really "there" and "genuine" and stuff. Even steady. No one calls me steady. Quiet and sweet and patient, sure. But I'm also known for running fast and getting scared and shutting down or disconnecting from relationship and connection with people somewhat fast. I didn't used to be this way, but I have been like this for a couple of years, and apparently, as I walk through these deep fears of aloneness and have my core of my being be shredded by this pain and these dark emotions, I somehow keep ending up being relaly different, more solid to other people. It's so confusing because I feel just as bad through all of this.

~ jane

(((JD))) thinking of you. I'm so sorry for everything going on right now.

That's interesting JD. I do think that as we're able to face a lot of dark, difficult, and painful stuff, we do seem to appear more solid and authentic to other people. I think it's because we're no longer running from things that are inside of us. I still think you're really brave and I agree you're going to come out of all of this a different and stronger person.