TN

I couldn't have expressed it any better than you! I think it takes me those 24 hours to just process what we talked about. And then because I can't remember it all word for word, my crazy mind starts to distort what we talked about. Then the anxiety kicks in and all those same voices you have (which really are voices from our past)start to get me to believe the worst. My T calls it my "critical choir."

Since I see her twice a week, I respond differently depending on which day it is. After I see her on Tuesday, I'm not too bad because I know I'll see her on Thursday. But, after I see her on Thursday OMG, I can be pretty much of a mess. Sundays are a killer because I know I have to get all the way through Monday before I can see her again. Do you think I'm dependent? And, I have called her on the weekend if things get really rough.

So I think you probably have LOTS of company on this one TN.
I have started taking a class on mindfulness meditation and stress reduction. At first, it was adding stress to my life! Now that I'm getting the hang of it, it really does help. Learning how to focus on the present and not on the past or future, is an art. I'm not anywhere close to having mastered it, but every time I do it, I feel better. You might want to get the book "Full Catastrophe Living" by John Kabat-Zinn. My T let me borrow hers (you can just imagine how many time I rubbed my hands over those pages - it's HERS!) Sorry. Anyway, lots of it resonated with me and made some of my destructive behaviors more clear for me.

Just a thought. This is a good subject though. I bet everyone has something to say about it. You are definitely NOT alone.

PL

Yes, I know those 24 hour feelings well. For me they often last 3 days. About once a month, I end of calling my T and often end up back in his office for an extra session. I considered it progress 2 weeks ago when I was able to feel connected and contained with just a short (10min) phone call. LOL

Unfortunately I don't have any effective strategies for dealing with those feelings. I post here. I read and write in my journal. If I can I talk to my husband about it (some topics are too difficult). I also try to keep busy (my kids, their activities, movies, etc). Sometimes it helps but sometimes it just delays the feelings which is what happened this week and so I sent an Email today (5 days after my session, I'm a Wednesday girl).

Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon, ((((TN))))

quote:

And any suggestions for getting through those hours would be greatly appreciated.

Xanax and a 5th of Wild Turkey. (just kidding)

Sorry TN,
I should be more serious. But Oh my the first 24-48 hours are absolutely the worst!!!

quote:

Even when nothing earth shattering has happened I feel like I've lost my right leg or something. I'm off balance and missing something, craving something so intensely that it just makes me crazy.

TN, this sounds so familiar. I know that feeling and I think it makes sense that these are the most intense moments after a session because it is the longest peiod of time since we will see them again. I have cried in front of my T and said, "I don't want to leave." She smiles softly and says, "I know." And then she walks me to the door dragging me behind her clutching her leg.

All kidding aside I really do express to her how difficult it is sometimes. One day I sat on her couch sobbing and couldn't move. She sat there patiently a few extra minutes and let me gather myself together and I did finally manage to get up and leave.

And then the shell shock about "OMG! What did I tell her?? Been there, done that, we should have another t-shirt.

quote:

But my overwhelming feeling was to get back into my car and drive back to T's office and beg him to hold me and protect me...I'm not sure from what. Those feelings lasted for days until I saw him again and told him my feelings and we talked for a half session.

I have called my T crying and when she calls me back I tell her I wish she could hold me. I know what it's like when it feels so truly desperate. Like you can't breathe without them whipsering, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out." (I am refraining from a lame joke here)

quote:

We talked and I thought I was okay but now I'm hearing that hated voice telling me that he thinks I've lingered in therapy too long and I should move on or move out and I'm just wasting time. Does anyone else hear that voice?

Absolutley TN. But it gets better. Those voices do eventually dissipate and get replaced with our T's reassuring voice that eventually becomes our own voice. I can tesitify to that. My T expressed it to me this way once about similar felings, "No matter how many times I tell you that you are important to me, you will not beleive it. Telling you will not be what makes the difference." I said, but I still like to hear it." She said, "Then I will keep telling you until you don't need me to tell you anymore."

quote:

Of course I can always soothe myself with the thought that he doesn't think of me at all and it does not matter what I say. And gee, that makes me feel even worse!!

Do you really believe that is true? I don't. My T has told me that she thinks of me between sessions..and not just when she is listening to my vm and returning my calls. She genuinely wonders how her clients are doing when she is aware they are going through a particularly rough time. Keep having heart to hearts with your T. I think that is the trick.

quote:

And if I email him ever... it's usually within those first 24 hours. If I can hold out I usually can make it to the next appointment. But he has told me to email or call if I need to because he does not want to see me suffer needlessly when a call/email would help me to feel better.

Do you hear that?? Stop trying to hold out! What are you punishing yourself for?

TN, you are not crazy, you are not alone, you ae completely normal and it will get better. But I will repeate myself, "Keep having heart to hearts with your T."

quote:

And then because I can't remember it all word for word, my crazy mind starts to distort what we talked about. Then the anxiety kicks in and all those same voices you have (which really are voices from our past)start to get me to believe the worst. My T calls it my "critical choir."

PL,
Have you considered a digital voice recorder? I think every client should have one if their T is ok with recording sessions. This helps tremendously in countless ways. I have a critical choir too.

Thank you all for the quick responses. I guess this topic really resonates with us... unfortunately. But it's nice to know I am not alone in this.

PL you are so right... the mind starts distorting what was said and of course I always manage to give it a negative slant. I have that same critical choir. The book sounds interesting and it's awesome that your T lent it to you. My T has said I could borrow his books anytime I want to. I may ask him for one the next time we have a long break due to vacation and I will need something to hold onto. Something real and tangible.

Incognito... I see my T on Monday and my son sees him on Thursday and if I'm having a tough time I will split the session w/my son just to check in and tame my wild thoughts. It does help and gets me through to Monday again. My T says that there are just some times when a client needs more than 1x per week and that it's only the insurance companies that dictate the visits. In the old days people went to "analysis" 3 or 4 times a week.

Thank you for sharing your experiences JM. I think I punish myself because I don't think I deserve the help and that I should be able to deal with this on my own. My T is trying to break me of this and get me to ask for what I need....an email or phone call or even an extra session. I have never told him that I don't want to leave because I'm afraid he will think I'm pathetic or that my transference is interfering with therapy. Or that I'll end up clutching his leg and screaming. I do feel like that at times. And he has told me that he will keep reassuring me about things until the time I'm able to do that for myself. I love and never tire of hearing it. He wrote it to me in an email and told me to carry it with me.. that he will always be there no matter what. And I do carry it.

I like what your T said to you about the reassurance. She seems to be a kind, gentle and understanding woman, no wonder you love her. And actually (feeling sheepish here ) I do know that my T thinks of me out of session...he has cut out articles for me to give me and he has also told me he was going to email me one time and I beat him to it. He wanted to offer unsolicited support because he thought I needed it.

And HB...I'm glad your T allows you to call him in between so you can share what is too difficult in person. Sometimes I email my T to alert him to a topic that I'm struggling with. I guess the important thing is to find a way to communicate our feelings that works for us.

I thank you all because you made me think about my relationship with my T in a good way and I do feel better. Sometimes I just need to remind myself how committed he really is to me and my getting well.

TN

Oh TN this is so true a representation of what I go through but slightly different. I find that the first 24-48 hours I feel still connected and close and then WHAM!! I'm a Wed girl too and by Saturday lunchtime I am in the horrors. I mentioned this to my T last week and he reckons the period before the horrors will get longer and longer and eventually I'll come to a point where it won't exist at all. In fact this week he charged me with making it to Sunday!!! as a challenge. (Didn't really work but somehow knowing he knew made it a bit easier).

I too have problems with the emailing or calling in between and 'discipline' myself into not doing it if I can help it but you've all prompted me to discuss this with him. He too has stated 'I'm going nowhere' which really helps me.

JN - I've so had those feelings of not wanting to leave and the walk down the corridor from his office is the loneliest, longest path sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I'm just living from one session to the next and that anything in between I just tolerate and that includes family, friends, work. Sometimes it feels like an obsession...

Lady

I feel fine the first day, it's the day after and the day after and the day after that are the worst. By Tuesday evening, I'm starting to feel in control again so Wednesdays are usually good, then it's back to therapy on Thursday and it all starts up again.

I don't email or call between sessions because my T hasn't invited me to, although I did with my son's T and that caused little mini roller coasters in between the big ones. Some relief, but not as good as actually seeing her.

quote:

Sometimes it feels like I'm just living from one session to the next and that anything in between I just tolerate and that includes family, friends, work. Sometimes it feels like an obsession...

Lady - I feel the same way sometimes. The only thing that can get me out of the "fog" is my kids, and then it's only temporary.

OW

quote:

Sometimes it feels like an obsession...

LoS

Sometimes I feel this way too. It just seems impossible to get therapy and my T off my mind. And instead of it making me happy that I have this wonderful woman in my life, I look at the down side of what I can't have with her. Then I wonder how this can be helping me. But, it is. As difficult as it is to really look at and pick at all my failings, it is making me see what I can change, to make life better for me and my family. I wonder at times how I ever survived before I started therapy. Well, when I really am honest with myself, I can see that in some ways, I only existed. And I thought that was what life was supposed to be like. I now know that there is really so much more.

So.....I live from session to session. PL

Have you ever agonized over something your T said for a week and then when you bring it up they've forgotten they said it?

God I hate that. Makes me feel like a dummy.

WS

I agonize over things that many people say to me. But, I've done it with my T quite often. Most recently, she asked me a question about my self and I answered her with my sincere thoughts but, when I started thinking about it that evening OMG it really messed me up. I called her and left a very sad and upset message asking her if that is how she see's me. At our next session she was very apologetic and said she should have known better than to ask that question. I think she plans her questions and comments much more carefully now.

PL

The first 24 hours really stink but this time I think I will grieve the entire 168 hours until I see her again. In fact, I wont be surprised if I see her within the next day or two. I already put in a call to try to get back in today and when she called me to tell me what time she has open I decided I was too tired to drive another hour back to her office and probably to no avail. So she is going to call me again later. Isn't she wonderful? She really is but I feel like Eyore when I say it right now.

It burns so deep inside. I sat and cried again clutching her pillow when it was time to leave. I even whimpered. She just waited for me to get it together until I could finally leave.

Not a good session today. A very heavy emotional session today that felt like I wasn't getting anywhere but more angry and frustrated and even directing toward my T because nothing she could say could help. Instead it feels like I spent an hour in a room with clashing symbols.
At one point I even asked her to go turn the radio down in the waiting room because it was annoyingly distracting.

quote:

It burns so deep inside. I sat and cried again clutching her pillow when it was time to leave. I even whimpered. She just waited for me to get it together until I could finally leave.

i don't have the words to express my admiration for you JM, that you are able to really be with the feelings you're experience in the presence of your t. i don't think i'd have the guts to even do that by myself. and your t sounds wonderful, giving you the space and time for it! if i ever learn just a tiny fraction of your presence i'll count myself lucky!

and it's not really my place, but how DARE whoever it was, made you feel this wretched in the first place!!!!

(((SB)))
Thank you for caring and it is ok with me if you share in my anger. I am having an awful mean streak of vengeance bearing down on me and I will gladly share the wrath with anyone who wants to join. In fact I should probably be posting on the anger thread. I might just do more of that later.

But I do have a wondeful T and I have come to a place in my relationship with her where it is no holds barred. I directed a lot of my anger at her today. It was text book transference in the working. She symbolically stood in place of my parents and took some heat. But there is a lot more work to do.

Well, I will have to wait the 168 hours after all because she is going out of town until next Wednesday.

Where's my T-shirt??

((((JM))))

I'm sorry your session was so difficult but impressed and amazed that you were able to express anger in the presence of your T. I'm going to see my T later and as usual I'm starting to numb so by the time I get in there I will just be ashamed and embarassed over my upset of the last few days.

hope the next week goes by quickly,

Oh God here we go again…hardly made it out the door not to mind the first 24 hours! transference, transference, transference…yesterday’s session was really ‘good’ and open and honest and we got to talking about how I might feel about him as a man (not as a T) and (in the last five minutes) how he might feel about me…well I was frozen to the spot at this stage and just wanted to run, run, run. He spoke about how he had no sense outside of the sessions of how I might be to have dinner with, have sex with, go to the movies with etc Yea, yea, yea but DO YOU WANT TO??…or does it have to be that way, that we never get to find out…as I travelled home I became more and more upset and had to go to bed…stomach churning, heart-wringing, head-wrecking transference…and here I am left with all these feelings to deal with on my own once I walk out of that room. I’m so lonely inside…rant, rant, rant…overwhelmed with sadness at the separation

LOS,
I can certainly understand why having that conversation would have you so agitated. I mean if my T said anything about any one of those things, I'd be feeling the same way. Do you have anyway to contact your T between sessions? Does he allow that? Trying to get through a week (or however long between appts) carrying this around would be really tough. But in either case, you really need to be able to talk about how what he said made you feel and what its doing to you. And it doesn't really matter what he might think about or want outside of sessions, what's important is what you think about or want.

I think he may have been trying to highlight that in some ways when we experience transference we're wanting something that we in some ways don't know alot about. For instance I may sometimes think about a romantic relationship with my T but I have no idea about things like his taste in music, what kind of foods he enjoys, what he does in his leisure time, all of which would be factors in a real romantic relationship. That therapy sets the stage for our desires to make themselves known and in some ways the less we know about our therapists, the more of our own desires can come into play.

BUT, in some ways, because the relationship is so deep and intimate that I don't think we're just "making up" our attraction. In his book on attachment, therapist David Wallin said something that rang really true for me. Our feelings about a T have to find a hook to hang on. That there's something in the relationship itself that evokes the feelings even though they made lead to discovering things about ourselves that have nothing to do with the theraputic relationship and everything to do with our past.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling, I know how devastating and obsessive and confusing it can feel, but you can keep coming here and talking about it. You know we all get it.

AG

LOS

I may not understand the situation but it does sort of make me wonder why he'd say those things. Do you feel he was suggesting that you actually get together outside of your sessions?

quote:

That there's something in the relationship itself that evokes the feelings even though they made lead to discovering things about ourselves that have nothing to do with the theraputic relationship and everything to do with our past.

Hmmm.... AG

Just had this discussion with my T today. I've got some real strong feelings coming out about her right now that have to do with abandonment and loss. I know it relates to my past and we talked about that. I never realized that being put up for adoption and having no "designated" parent for the first two and a half months of my life would have such an impact on me so many years later. Of course my adoptive parents were wonderful people, but there are some misfires in modeling there too.

This next 24, 36, 48....... hours will be interesting for me. My T said she would be checking her messages. Do ya think she is expecting me to crash, burn and call her? Ai-yi-yi!!!!!!!!!

PL

I saw my therapist and then after i left i wished i had talked about other things. Seeing twice a week at the moment.
The first 24 hours i feel so much anxiety about therapy and feel like i need to see her again.

Woodensoul
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make me wonder why he'd say those things. Do you feel he was suggesting that you actually get together outside of your sessions?
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No definitely not - AG has it right:
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For instance I may sometimes think about a romantic relationship with my T but I have no idea about things like his taste in music, what kind of foods he enjoys, what he does in his leisure time, all of which would be factors in a real romantic relationship.
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PL - you have really stirred something up for me. I have contacted my T (thanks AG) and he reckons I might be re-living the first months. PL
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I never realized that being put up for adoption and having no "designated" parent for the first two and a half months of my life would have such an impact on me so many years later.
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your description of the 'designated parent' applied to me - I just never really really acknowledged it or treated it seriously. My mother was dying when I was born and I was the last of a lot of children and my father had to find somebody to 'take me in'. I heard from my siblings that the family that took me in weren't the first family to be asked as the first one refused...those who did 'loved me to bits'. But I never really considered (until this minute thanks to you PL) that in a way I was in a way 'adopted' first and then given back after a couple of years to a mom who was not really able to give me much as she was so worn out herself. I have lived my life always feeling 'different' and not able to figure it out. This was compounded by a Dad who over-compensated with me emotionally and guilted me out for daring to be separate from him as he wanted me to be his emotional support..sorry, crying now...

Lady

Wow, so much is resonating with me in this discussion of abandonment and designated parent etc. How do I jump in? I feel it resonating but it is slow to reveal just what, where, and how exactly. So many firings in my brain going here there and everywhere so bear with me for I feel quite incoherent this morning.

I think the most significant thing I want to address is about infancy. We've been told that memories that young would be impossible and perhaps incline us to dismiss the feelings and sensations we do have from the earliest stages of our lives. NOT TRUE! The body remembers! There are senstions and images I have gotten from infancy that can't be denied. Thinking about the attachment process PL, of course there were misfires when you didn't receive the connections you needed as an infant that still need to be made today. And you have such a wonderful loving T who is willing to recreate that moment for you. Remember as these connections are made, they are not only firing in our brain, but in our attachment figures brain. So she is truly giving a piece of herself to you in this process. I hope that makes sense. I know what I am trying to say, but I am not sure if I am conveying it intelligibly.

LOS,
So much of what you said struck home with me too. My mother was worn and fragile when I came along and there was a lot of missed opportunity for the needed connections to be made. And that feeling of "always feeling different" has a lot to do with that and from my deepest groanings I can say I know that pain and bitter confusion it evokes. (lump in throat)

I feel like I have so much to say, but it is very hard for me to right now. Maybe I can think more clearly later.

JM

Thanks JM - still a bit wobbly myself - this is like opening a whole new way of seeing things for me...

L

quote:

Thinking about the attachment process PL, of course there were misfires when you didn't receive the connections you needed as an infant that still need to be made today

JM

This is starting to make so much sense to me. My T and I have talked about this. My adoptive mom cared very much for me (maybe to a fault) but there was some nurturing and touch that was not there. It may very well be that because of the compensations I made due to the abandonment and attachment issues of the first few months, I may not have allowed my parents to get that close to me. I may have felt that I needed to take care of myself so I wouldn't be abandoned again. I know that this is a very deep issue for me, and as my T said yesterday, "We have our work cut out for us."

About the feeling different thing JM and LoS, the thing for me is that I WAS/AM different. I wasn't living with the family I was born into and when someone found out about that, their reaction was first one of disbelief and then curiosity. I never felt shameful about it, in fact I was taught to be proud of it. I was special, I was "chosen." Although it was uncomfortable when people prodded me for information. I have never been able to share my emotions and deepest feelings with anyone, so this was a bit invasive. My parents always tried to portray that we were the very normal family in spite of, because of, or even so, we had two adopted children. All of these issues have been buried so deeply inside me and when my mom passed away, all I could feel was huge abandonment. Sometimes I feel all alone in the midst of a million people. My T has asked if my brother feels this way too. I haven't had the courage to ask him yet. I don't think so. He was given to my parents just days after his birth, so I think his attachment/bond was created very quickly.

LoS

I hope that "stirring" this up is a good thing for you. I'm sorry if it isn't. I didn't mean to trigger something uncomfortable for you. I am becoming more aware of what JM said about how the "body remembers." I am wondering how far back into my infancy I can go with my T. Sometimes I think that this is just the way it was and I should get over it and move on. Of course when I say that, my T says, "Stop listening to that critical chorus!"

Thanks for your thoughts JM and LoS. It really helps to hear from people who understand. I don't think very many people in my life do.

PL

Well here I am again in the first 24 hours after a session. Once again I'm in a place that is making me feel uncomfortable and missing my T like heck. I'm not sure why I'm feeling like this because nothing earth-shattering happened today. I went in feeling sort of neutral and came out the same way. No crying no hard, deep emotional stuff going on right now. It was just a "working" session wher we addressed a number of things that I was sort of struggling with. We sort of danced around our relationship and how I see it but I felt that I wanted to get deeper into this aspect and he did not. So I'm asking myself if it was because he was resistant or if he was just more focused on something else that I had brought up and he wanted to talk about that.

In any event, I just really really miss him right now and I don't know why. In the first hours after I leave him it's like I'm lost and out of sorts. Maybe I'm just having separation anxiety. LOL. Our connection today was there and it wasn't. I'd feel it and then it would vanish. As I told a friend of mine today, I don't feel like I've had a "good" session or a productive session unless I've gone somewhere deep, emotional and painful.

I was wondering what you all would consider a "good" session with your T or P? Is it a light, chatty session? A deep emotional session? A neutral working session?

Time was just up too quickly today and I wanted to say... please let me stay here a little bit longer. I've waited so long to get here and now I have to leave so soon...

Sorry for rambling. It's just so hard sometimes.

TN

quote:

I don't feel like I've had a "good" session or a productive session unless I've gone somewhere deep, emotional and painful.

TN

I feel the same. If I end up having a friendly little chat with my T, I feel like I wasted my session. After all, aren't I there to get into the deep dark stuff? Then I sort of get mad at myself because I know she waits for ME to bring up the icky stuff, and if I don't, then we just stay on the surface.

I have my session tomorrow, but I just left her a pitiful, ridiculous VM. I called her because of a lot of things, but also because I just want her to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I need her strength and comfort right now. I didn't really ask her to call me back, so I'm not sure she will. I think she likes to hear the words, "Please call me back ." I did tell her though that I need her (I think I'm waaaaay... too needy) and want her to comfort me and make it all be alright. I'm hoping that tipping her off like this will give her the hint that I really need to talk about this tomorrow and I won't necessarily have to be the one to bring it up.

Now all this has added to my anxiety for tomorrow's session. I'm sure I will be hyperventilating when I get there. I thought that calling her would calm me down, but now I think it is only making it worse.

And TN I do understand the separation anxiety. I just want to live in a little corner of her office. (Oh, don't mind me. Go on with whatever you need to do. I'll just roll up in a fetal position right here in the corner. You'll never even know I'm here. )

PL

Well, she did call back. And she did ground me and she did comfort me. Of course she told me that she wished she could tell me it will all be all right, but she can't. I said I wished she could too, but I know that is impossible. So the warm feelings for her continue. At least I'm pretty sure that I won't have to have a panic attack before I go tomorrow.

Our T's have such power over us . But I'm saying that as a good thing. She really knows how to pull me out of the darkness and give me hope. Tomorrow will be a new day. I'm hoping for a good one.

PL

Hi TN,
I can definitely relate to that "it's too soon to go" feeling and intensely missing them when you leave. I really think its the pain of separation. I mean, if you think of a really small child, they can cry intensely when they'r parents leave. And I know that for a long time I was struggling with not really knowing if he was coming back. So how you're feeling makes sense to me.

I find that I have different kinds of sessions. Some are really relaxed and are of the "wow, look how far we've come and aren't we both wonderful" those are my favorites. Just joking, it just sometimes there's a real sense of progress and we'll sometimes spend a session enjoying that and looking back at where we came from. Those are kind of rare. Then there are the cognitive processing sessions where we discuss what's going on in my life, problems I'm wrestling with, things I'm struggling with in therapy. Then, there's the third type where I walk in experiencing gut-wrenching terror, overwhelming grief or both. Those are usually very difficult and both I and my T are working really hard, but I think that's when I am most conscious of healing taking place, the aha momemts. But I think each kind is important and contributes to those aha moments, it's just not as noticable at the time.

Sometimes its hard to know what I'm walking into. I usually have something to start with, but sessions are very organic and take on a life of their own. Sometimes my T can seize on something I thought was minor and sometimes I really don't realize what's bothering me until I start talking.

If that wasn't what you were looking for, let me know. But I will add one thing, I think we spend a lot of time worrying about doing it right and if we're working hard enough but as long as you're showing up, being as honest as you're capable of and exposing yourself as much as you feel safe enough to, the work's getting done. And it looks different for everyone. There are patterns and similarities of issues (we've certainly seen that on the site) but each person does it in their own way.

Hi Summer,
My T has a definite ritual for ending the session that's just evolved without our ever discussing it. His clock is off to my right positioned so that I can look at it, but I have to deliberately turn away from looking at my T to see it while for him its basically in his line of sight. My T sits in a recliner and when he sits down he takes off his shoes and usually tucks one leg under him. When he untucks his leg and starts to put on his shoe, I know its time. Of course, occasionally he'll shift his weigh or even change legs in the middle of a session and I start coming out of my seat, only to see him settle back down. Then we both go over to his desk and he makes my next appt. He hands me the appt card with one hand, shakes my hand with the other, then hold the door open for me. That handshake and last look go a long way towards carrying me through to my next appt. And he almost always ends at the 50 minutes. Occasionally when things are really intense he will run over. I would say he's careful but not rigid.

AG

Thank you AG... you describe things perfectly. I guess I had a cognitive processing session today where we looked at some things I've been wrestling with and touched on some other things. I just wish he wasn't looking so fine today... makes it that much harder to leave him And both you and my T are taking pains to remind me that what I'm doing and how fast I'm going is exactly right for ME. He has assured me that I am working very hard and harder than most and I need to just allow the work to get done in it's own time and way.

He also kept telling me today that I don't need to take care of him nor to worry about him. He will take care of himself. He is starting to recognize my overwhelming "care taker" instincts which tend to get in the way of taking care of myself. I have more work to do on that.

As for the ending ritual... well since the time I thought I had "overstayed" my welcome (I thought timekeeping was MY job) I don't look at the clock any longer. It is on the table next to me and he can see it but I can't unless I turn around to look at it. What he does is to reach for his book where he keeps his receipts and writes one out for me. I hand him the check and we used to make a new appointment but now he just has me in on Monday as a standing appointment (which is nice and took us a long time to get to that point). He then walks me to the door and we say goodbye.... no handshake, except for the one time I dared to reach out my hand for one and he took it smiling. I haven't tried that again since. If he does not have someone waiting for him we tend to go over the 50 minutes to 60 or even 65 if I'm a mess. Somehow even that is never enough.

PL... glad to hear your T called you back and grounded you and you feel better about tomorrow's appointment. A lot of what you wrote really resonates with me, especially the part about who brings up what and the feeling of wasting a session. Hate that feeling.

TN

Hey TN-

Sorry to hear that you are in an uncomfortable place today. I'm in the exact opposite place as you, counting down to my session on Wenesday, thinking about the millions of things I want to tell my T but don't have time for.

quote:

I was wondering what you all would consider a "good" session with your T or P? Is it a light, chatty session? A deep emotional session? A neutral working session?

I definitely find that my best sessions are the difficult ones. I think this is because these are the sessions where I share the worst parts of myself with my T and she still accepts me. These are the days that illustrate that no matter how awuful, repulsive and bad I think I am, that she will still keep me around; that no matter how ashamed and embarrassed I am about things, she won't hold it all against me. I am not really fond of the "oh here's what's been going on" sessions because I feel like I am wasting the precious time I have with her, but they are necessary at times. Sometimes, I have the occasional "I don't want to talk," session but that is usually because I am angry that I can't stay with her longer. It's more along the lines of "if you aren't gonna give me what I want then I'm not gonna play." I actually told her once that I didn't wanna play with her anymore... . I tend to express my frustration with jokes, but she knew what I was saying.

quote:

Time was just up too quickly today and I wanted to say... please let me stay here a little bit longer. I've waited so long to get here and now I have to leave so soon...

I also know what you mean about this. Sometimes, she will do her "point at the clock" routine and say "I know we have to stop....(then finishes her thought)." But I just say "no thank you" and keep talking. I asked her once if I could please sit in her office all day (there is another couch so there is plenty of room) and she said "how would I explain you?" I told her that she could say that I was "observing" but she didn't really go for it.

quote:

Maybe I'm just having separation anxiety.

I think there is some truth in this, like PL and AG said. I often have the feeling, when I leave, like I have just left my proverbial security blanket somewhere and I can't get it back all the way til next week. It's a very shaky feeling and I often feel exhausted and sad that I can't stay with her all the time. Also, that's when the lies creep in that if she "really" cared, she would want to spend more time with me blah blah blah.

Summer- glad you're here and posting! Hope you're enjoying it all!

-CT

quote:

I was wondering what you all would consider a "good" session with your T or P? Is it a light, chatty session? A deep emotional session? A neutral working session?

i don't know, haven't really been doing it for long enough to be having much of a clue. a good session for me is perhaps one where i manage to stay conscious and don't sidetrack into anything most of the time. remaining honest at least with myself even if i can't talk about what's happening at the time. which is really really hard.

Having anxiety at the moment.. saw T and now im feeling anxious and stressed out. Was a hard session and i really need to see her again. I hate this feeling.

Hi em

Yeah, I hate that feeling too. I'm sorry that you are going through it. Can you call her or email her?

The other thing you need to do is slooooooooowwww..... down your breathing. It will help with the anxiety. Close your eyes and just try to stay with long breaths coming in and long breaths going out. Try to picture yourself in a place that is calming for you. Once you are able to calm down the anxiety, you will be able to think things out much better.

Hope this helps. Let us know how you are doing.

PL

Em, call her and ask for another session. I've had to do that before and you have to let her know what you need because she has no way of knowing if you don't. It's ok, and like PL said
"breathe" Concentrate on every inhale and exhale and feel your stomach rise and fall.

I know this is hard.
JM

thanks. I dont think i will be able to get another session. Ive just stopped seeing her twice a weekand changed it to once a week and dont know if i will be too demanding by asking for a extra session. I worry about this even though she has told me not too worry about it.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I struggle with feeling too demanding too, no matter how many times my T tells me I am not. I wonder what it will take before we finally believe that it is ok and don't hesitiate to make our needs known. I find the more that I push myself to call or to ask for those extra sessions when I need them, it gets better.

Your T will understand that even though you just switched from two to one session per week that you might need an extra now and then, sort of a weaning process, if you will. She wont think you are weak or that you are regressing if that is what you are afraid of. You might feel that way, but she wont.

Hey Em,
I hope some of the anxiety has lessened for you and that you are feeling a bit better.

I am officially through my first 24 hours for this week, and I wanted to let you guys know that something really... strange happened. First of all, my T was on vacation last week so I went two weeks without seeing her- JM and Russ, you can get through it, look at me, I'm still alive! Of course, I fell apart while she was gone, got very overwhelmed and anxious, and called her a total of three times, but I made it and she came back from vacation like she said she would! Yea for reliability!

I digress... the strange part of this week is that I haven't felt the "OMG what do I do" feeling that I normally do after I see my T and go through initial T withdrawl. I left on Wednesday feeling very warm and safe, very secure with her, and... I almost don't want to even say it out loud... it's Thursday night and I STILL feel that way! I don't know how to describe the feeling, almost like she's holding me!?!?! Just very cozy and relaxed and comfortable with where I stand with her.

It's funny, too, because I went in to the appointment feeling more insecure with her than I ever have, very anxious and jumpy. Plus, I had a really scary flashback-like experience the night before my session (I had never had one of those before), so I was experiencing a lot of stress from that. It's just strange that I went in very insecure and came out very secure... I wonder if she slipped me some kind of "security" drug when I wasn't looking... *pondering if she was ever alone with my bottle of water... *

Anyway, it was a really good session, hard but good. It was the first time that I actually re-lived some true fear with her. I was so nervous about it I told her "I'm scared to be scared with you." LOL, how funny does that sound?! I don't know if this feeling will wear off sometime soon, but I hope not! It's unlike anything I have experienced before, and I'm kinda liking it!

-CT

CT,
Flashbacks are HELL aren't they? I wish you didn't have to go through them, but just keep rememebering that the incident(s) are old, they happened a long time ago and can no longer harm you. To experience a sense of safety in front of your T while recalling them is very cathartic. And CT, if you ever need any extra support through the flashbacks, I am right here. I've been through them and I am still having them sometimes. I'm no expert, but I can offer a sense of support when your T is not around.

quote:

I wonder if she slipped me some kind of "security" drug when I wasn't looking... *pondering if she was ever alone with my bottle of water...

You have to keep an eye on those T's every minute! They have many tricks up their sleeves.

I am glad you felt so good and secure with your T through this. It speaks highly of the trust and confidence you have worked so hard to develop. And when she was able to show you that SHE COULD contain your emotions when others were never able to do that, that allows for you to trust enough to let go even more. (Its a snowball effect) My experience is that as we continue to unearth traumatic memories, we will still feel the emotions that come with it, but it will be against the backdrop of security that you now know, and that security gets stronger every time you rely on it and the emotions are not as scary as they might otherwise feel. It is an amazing aspect of good therapy in motion.

Remember, I am here if youever need. I also posted quite a bit of my experience with flashbacks if it is not too triggering for you.

Hey JM

I don't even know if what I experienced the other night was a true flashback- my T said that is "probably an appropriate term for it," whatever that means! Thanks for the words of advice, and for your offer of support through them... if I keep having them. My T did say that if I can lessen some of my external stressors, it might help me not to get to that point in the future (the preceeding two weeks were very very very anxiety/fear ridden).

Either way, if it happens again or not, I am comfortable with it. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer not to be up til 3 am, teeth chattering, flinching from something I thought was going to happen ten years ago while cats stare at me and wonder what the heck is going on and why I am out of bed! But, it felt like a HUGE release to talk to her about it, to go through it with her. And the great thing was that it was the night before my session, so I didn't have time to over-analyze it myself before I got to her. It was really amazing to work it out with her instead of feeling like I needed to figure it out before I got to her. I was very vulnerable so the containment you mention was really able to show itself that day.

I still can't believe that I was a able to describe to her such intense fear without her getting mad at me- my mom used to get mad at me for having feelings that didn't jive with hers. I told her (my T) I was afraid she was going to kick me out of therapy for being scared and insecure- which, when I say it now, sounds almost like an oxymoron, but to that little girl in me, that concept was crucial. My internal dialouge went something like this:

"oh, so my mother wasn't supposed to yell louder when I was terrified?... hmmmm... and all this time I thought I was stupid for being afraid... hmmmm... wait, now your saying that I can tell you how afraid I really am/was and you're not going to yell or tell me to shut the f*** up... you're not even going to get mad!?!... and you're not going to withdrawl from me and pretend like I don't exist until I make it up to you... WHAT? you're going to empathize with me?... but, but in order to empathize with me you have to think that my original feelings were valid...*silence*... *silence*... oooohhhhhh I think I get it..."

It still feels good by the way, and it's Friday night! Containment + acceptance = long lasting therapy-high!

-CT