Thank you all so much. You know from the very beginning, my T has been trying to teach me that despite my deep-seated beliefs, moving TOWARDS connection brings comfort, not just pain. All of you allow me to experience that again and again. I'm going to name my new neural network after all of you.
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HB,
I never knew that about tears of grief, but boy would that explain alot.
Russ,
It really does get less confusing the longer you work at it. Hang in there, you're doing really good work, I can see it in all your posts.
I really appreciate all of the encouragment it provides to hear how you all "see" me. When feelings from my past are coming up this strong, its hard to see ANY positive qualities, let alone the one's that you have catalogued. Your belief in my ability to handle this helps me to believe I can.
I had a good session with my T this morning. Nothing earth-shattering, just some good work. We're trying to get to my anger, which is always an interesting journey, in a kind of "here be dragons" kind of way.
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But I felt really connected with my T and it was really clear that the intensity is very connected to the past. Which lets my T be my T, which is a good thing because that's what I need him to be, despite my occasional(!) longings for him to be something else.
I made a major connection about boundaries today (I'm back to really appreciating them.) We were talking about my being afraid that if I express my anger, rage really, things and/or people will get hurt. My T basically told me that screaming, crying, and any other verbal expressions were perfectly fine but that he would not allow me to damange his office or hurt myself or him. That if necessary he would call the authorities. It's hard to explain but it was incredibly comforting to hear that. I know, where else but therapy could someone threatening to have you arrested be comforting?
![Big Grin](/static/images/graemlins/icon_biggrin.gif)
But that containment is what I need. As I was thinking about it, I made a major connection. So much of my crying has been incredibly clenched. And no matter how violently I'm crying, I haven't made a sound. I did in my Ts office today which is progress. But when he was talking about boundaries I realized that part of what made it so scary then was that there were NO boundaries. My father consistently violated them and my T suspects, and it rings true, that my mom probably disassociated alot to miss what was going on, so she wasn't setting them. I am so tightly clenched because without boundaries there is NO way to know how far you can go, what is ok to express and how is it ok to express it. I can unclench and express this for the very reason that I know there are clear limits with my T and he has no problem making them clear and sticking to them. Now I know how big the space is that I have to move in and what its ok to do. Like most "aha" moments, they sound so simple and duh! when you say them, but it was like a burst of light when I realized it.
The other thing I'm struggling with is that I can be angry at my mother but that doesn't mean I'm never grateful again. That its possible to have different feelings about the same person. Well, I realized that I have different feelings about boundaries at different times. Sometimes I love them because they're keeping me safe and sometimes I hate them and get angry about them because they're preventing me from having what I want. I told that to my T and he said exactly. Then I pointed out that it wasn't about a person but I would get there.
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Got the wry grin in response.
And just to cover things I told him he would probably hear from me before our next appt (Next Tuesday) and he said that was fine. I feel a lot clearer, which we all know won't last, but I'll rest while I can.
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AG