Well, I don't think what I experienced would be as severe, but around the time I realized my mom was NPD, I went through a few weeks of pretty intense grief. I could hardly sleep, I would wake up in the middle of the night angry and not be able to go back to sleep, I would double over sobbing in the shower, I didn't feel like eating half the time. There's nothing overdramatic about what you are experiencing; you are really feeling the truth about things for the first time. For me it felt like my whole world was collapsing around me.

The only thing that helped me was to think of it like having the flu. I tried to just acknowledge that I was going to be miserable for a period of time, and all I could do was be kind to myself and let it take its course. So I would say to do anything you can to make it easier on yourself, and then trust that it's a process that your body knows how to get through.

I know it sucks. I hope it gets easier soon!

Thanks, Alpaca. My dad has NPD, too..it's a really surprising thing to find out, but it also helps things fit into place, doesn't it?

I think the most debilitating part about it for me is that I feel this grief, but I'm kind of shut down when it comes to expressing it. I broke down a couple sessions ago and have had a few tears here or there since then, but not many. I feel completely overwhelmed at everything I have to do with the current semester, applying to grad school (8 different ones), and just taking care of a lot of different things before I graduate. I just don't know how to take care of myself in a healthy way right now, and I feel so guilty about that.

It seems a little ridiculous to me, but I also feel guilty for having occasional SI/SU thoughts because just a few weeks ago I told my T that that stuff (especially the SU thoughts) had been mostly absent for a while and that it's easier to not immediately resort to that stuff. But here I am, finding myself in that same place again.

Thanks for sharing your experience with this, Alpaca. ((hugs))

Oh kashley, I am so sorry so have all that other stress in your life at the same time you have to deal with this! And I know it's so frustrating when you want to just cry and let it all out but you can't. One thing you could try that helped me was listening to music or singing. For me I felt like screaming a lot so I would sing instead.

Please don't feel guilty about your SI/SU as that just makes it worse. It's normal for recovery not to be linear so it doesn't mean you're going backwards if some symptoms come back that had been gone for a while. Just try to be nice to yourself!

((((Kashley)))) I'm sorry, I've been through the kind of grief you are experiencing and I think it's the hardest part of healing.

It's important to remember that part of why this is SO intense and can feel so overwhelming is that not only are you grieving, you are having memories of unprocessed grief. When you experienced the losses you are grieving now, you were a powerless child without the mental or emotional resources to handle this grief and the very people who should have come alongside of you to help you handle it were the source of the grief. So I do know how strong the feeling that you will be overwhelmed can be, but it can sometimes help to remember that you are no longer that powerless child and you do have more resources, so although it feels like it's going to overwhelm you, it actually won't. You can face and process these feelings now, you're strong enough.

Another thing that helped me was to carve out small amounts of time, say 10 minutes, when I could know I would be alone and I would let go and let the feelings come. Sob brokenheartedly if that's what I needed to do. But only for the amount of time I allocated. Then I would have an internal dialogue and make it clear that I would listen to those feelings and not push them away but I needed to wait until I was in a safe place to do so. Sometimes this can press so hard on us, because we've been ignoring it for so long. So when we have to put it away to handle life now, it can help to understand that it's just about staying safe, not about staying in a very costly denial.

Last but not least and I know this is the scariest part, try and let as much of it come in session as you can. The real healing of the grief comes from expressing it with someone and having them be attuned, understand you and provide compassion. That's the part that allows you to move through it and let it go.

I'm sorry Kashley, I know it's extremely difficult, especially because life goes on and you have to deal with things. If you were dealing with this level of grief in the present, people would be much more understanding of you not functioning as well. But fwiw, this level of grief is reasonable for what you are mourning. There aren't many losses that run deeper than our loss of safety, care, protection and love from our parents.



AG

(((Alpaca, AG)))

Alpaca, thanks for reminding me that healing isn't linear..you are exactly right. I think part of it is because I'm deathly afraid of making mistakes or failures, and having these thoughts feels like a failure. My T just seemed so happy and relieved when I told her about having fewer problems with SU thoughts, and I don't want to burden her again if I tell her I'm having more problems lately.

AG, yeah my T is trying to get me to realize that it's okay to feel and express my feelings because I'm not powerless anymore. What you said about why the grief is so huge makes a lot of sense, too...I hadn't thought of it that way.

Actually, my T has told me a lot of what you said. Especially about letting the feelings come for a small amount of time and listening to them so that I can still function. I'm getting better at the whole feeling part of all of this, but I'm still not great at communicating with them. And yes, it's definitely scary feeling this stuff in session. Petrifying, actually. I'm so scared that my feelings aren't legitimate or real. And terrified of T seeing me break down, even though she has a couple times. The last time I cried I apologized once I calmed down, but she told me that she was so glad I was crying (but hated that I was in pain). Unbelievable that someone would be glad I was crying.

I'm just exhausted from this. I first got hit with this a couple weeks ago and, at the moment, it feels like my identity is wrapped up in this grief.

Thank you both for your care and understanding. ((hugs))

kashley,
I agree with all that has been said. This past August I had that kind of overwhelming grief and could barely cope with anything. I had to start teaching again after the summer off, and I was a mess. I honestly almost quit and walked out every day for a month. My grandma had died in May. She was the only one who I knew my existence mattered to. Because it was summer, I had camping and road trips to "keep me busy". When summer was over, all the grief of my grandma's death and all the stuff that had come up in therapy just started breaking me down. I even started crying in my principal's office over a math class I had to teach! I know she thought I was a freak at the time, but I was later able to explain that just that morning I found out my sister (who won't talk to me) has cancer.

How did I get through it? One step at a time. I even told many people that my mantra, or spiritual path, at that time was putting one foot in fron tof the next and hoping it would pass. It has quite a bit and I can function ~ but still a lifetime of stuff needing to be grieved.

((((kashley)))) It will get better!