So, I had a bit of PAD about a previous post (may have it about this one too, LOL), so some of you may know already that my T has said he is willing to both:

1. Sit next to me as we talk at times...I don't think standard configuration, but as appropriate if it feels like it will help. No touch involved here.

2. Give goodbye hugs (I'm assuming only goodbye hugs, since that's all we talked about) to a little one who wants them badly.


He talked to H about it briefly in his session yesterday and confirmed what I told him, which is that H doesn't "get" it, but doesn't care either, trusts me and trusts T. We agreed that they would have this conversation (and I had already been discussing these feelings with H for weeks, if not months), so it didn't cross any disclosure boundaries. According to H, T was hedging and having a hard time introducing the discussion, which makes me wonder if he's feeling pushed. I hope not. It may just be one of the awkward issues of seeing married clients for individual therapy.

So, my first office session since getting that information is tonight and the thought of a simple hug, which is so badly wanted in some very attached part of me, is filling me with an odd sort of anxiety. I think it may take me quite a long time of talking about getting a goodbye hug to even be able to deal with one (and planning on taking it that slowly if I feel that way). All sorts of random fears are coming up for me...like hearing internally, "What if I do it wrong? I don't know how to hug!" That may seem ridiculous, but aside from romantic hugging with H, this really is a fear for me. Hugging friends or family members is always awkward, like my body is trying to mimic what it should be doing or protect itself and there is so much energy put into those two things that a hug is usually more distracted than connecting...I remember the anxiety, not the closeness. I had an older gentleman compliment me on playing the drums at church on Sunday and give me a side-arm hug and squeeze a little bit and I froze in terror, as if attacked. I don't think that would happen with T, because he's not a relative stranger like this other guy, but still...how did I not consciously realize until this moment that hugs are f---ing scary?!?!

So, I am just sitting here and thinking of all the things I need to resolve if I'm going to allow this to happen. Funny, because I thought if T ever agreed to it (which I was very doubtful of), I would be ready to go. But, it seems I have a lot of internal "work" to do around this reality. And, I really don't want to rush that work. Perhaps it turns out I can't even be hugged at all any time in the near future. That makes me sad, but I have to be willing to face that if it's what is safe for me.

-I need to know that T is 100% comfortable with whatever boundaries he has set around physical contact. This means he won't suddenly withdraw like he did on sitting with me in April. It also means that he won't let a four/five-year-old push him around into giving anything beyond what he's comfortable with. Basically, I guess I need him to reassure me that he has boundaries, he knows what they are and where they are solid vs where they are flexible and that he and I should both know they are HIS responsibility to take care of, while being conscientious about any changes we make as we go.

-I need to find out if T is willing to let me work my way up to a hug. I have never even shaken his hand! We have bumped into each other while looking through a photo album and he has tapped me on the shoulder when my iPod was too loud for him to get my attention. That is the extent of our contact in ten months. I'm sometimes afraid to even pass an item back and forth, because it feels like I will contaminate him. So, I'm wondering if I could just start with a handshake, exchanging items more regularly...or like Monte's T, hold hands during prayer or something that involves contact while maintaining distance. I guess, I just need practice connecting and disconnecting in little ways.

-I need to be honest with both myself and my T about my internal ambivalence on physical contact and work through those anxieties enough to take it from an immense risk to a manageable one.

-I need permission, I think, to feel comforted by his physical presence. I need to know that it is OK with him that him sitting next to me or hugging me makes me feel good, cared for, child-like, safe. A lot of my anxiety around sitting together before was feeling drawn into that safety while simultaneously being uncertain whether T was uncomfortable with or disgusted by me. Stupid, I guess, but that is what happens when someone doesn't ask about such things before engaging (totally his responsibility, which he owned to that night).

So...my goal for part of this session (and well, however many bits of sessions it takes) is to work through these questions and anxieties openly with my T. And, I'm going to try not to be too disappointed if it's not something I'm ready for tonight, this month, this year...or ever. In therapy, slow is fastest, right?

Any guidance from others who have struggled with this aspect of therapy is welcome.