Kashley,

It is also difficult for me to imagine a defender, until I think about the little girls that I know and care about...relatives, my best friend's kids, etc. and then I feel so protective over them and should anything ever happen to them, I would be so angry. When I think of it in those terms, I am more willing/able to accept the idea of a defender for myself.

I'm the same way about feeling protective over others, I just can't seem to allow the possibility of that kind of thing for myself. T asked me to visualize something yesterday as a kind of protector and she asked me if I could see it, and I was like, nope! I tried...I think I tried. And it's something that we've come back to several times over a long period of time and it still seems just as inconceivable.

Thanks for your input, LG. ((hugs))

quote:

I'm the same way about feeling protective over others, I just can't seem to allow the possibility of that kind of thing for myself.

I have a lot of problem with this too. My internal protective parts are all persecutors, so even protecting the litle parts comes across more like abuse and disgust for their needs than the kind of defender a child would need, want and deserve. I'm putting a fair amount of personal work into trying to adjust this right now. I agree with DF, here. It can sometimes be easier to muster those protective feelings when you see the one who needs protecting as not-yourself. I was doing an exercise from my codependency book that asked me to describe my relationship with each parent from a third person view and asked how you would feel about "that father" or "that mother" or "that child," and I was surprised how many true concerns and protective feelings came up for me. Doing that exercise helped me to recognize I was very afraid for that child to go looking for what was missing in the wrong places and that realization was what made me suddenly realize that some childhood/teen experiences by people outside my family were actually abuses, wrong, not my fault, etc. and all stemmed from the lack of protection and connection with my parents. Anyway, that's off topic, but I found myself with a lot more compassion for this imaginary girl I was describing than I have ever had for myself.

Kashley,

Yes, I've had trouble with this. I'm going to guess that growing up you never experienced this. So, think of it this way, if you were blind and had never seen colors and then I asked you to imagine purple you probably wouldn't be able to do it because you've never experienced purple before. You would have no frame of reference for which to relate to purple. In your childhood you may not have had a frame of reference for "safe" and "protected" so sometimes it is really a struggle to imagine these things in the mind because they can seem so abstract. I had great difficulty at first creating a safe place and was really upset about it, but over time I was able to do it and it is now something that comes easier (not easy...but easier). I still struggle with the defender, but I can do it if I imagine my kids. I am starting to feel protective of certain younger parts inside so that hopefully can evolve from there into imagining a defender being there.

Oh and I forgot to say that any time my T had asked me to do this exercise and in the process of doing so I always get very emotional.

((DF)) ((Yaku)) ((STRM)) Thanks for your input on this.

quote:

When I imagine myself protected I imagine myself very isolated which feels most safe to me.

I often do this, too. Most of the time I'm curled up in a dark corner with a blanket. It's hard for me to imagine protecting my parts myself because I don't *really* think of them as me. I know logically that they are, but it doesn't feel like it. So it's like I'd be rescuing someone else, but it's very confusing because I also know that it's me. And that double bind kind of keeps me in this stuck place where those parts are just..there..and I don't quite know what to do with them.

The closest I've ever gotten to feeling compassion for any of those parts was just this period of a couple minutes where I suddenly saw my scared part as someone else (completely) and I felt so sad for her and just wanted to comfort her. But, that only lasted a couple minutes. And I'm not even sure what caused it in the first place.

The one thing I have been able to visualize (sometimes) is when T will do some guided imagery with me to help "get out of" a memory by means of some imaginary form of transportation (most often a horse ). But I can't ever imagine that kind of protection sticking around, so it seems very easy for that part to end up scared and 'in danger' again.


Yaku,

I'm so glad you were able to find some compassion (whether you recognize it as you or not)...I think that's definitely the first step in bridging that gap. I'm similar in that whenever I recognize the small parts as me, I will get annoyed and frustrated and sometimes disgusted with them at their needs. The problem I still have with thinking about what things would have been like for another child is that there is still so much I don't remember. I remember things from outside of our house, like being at the barn and a little bit of school, but I barely remember anything from being home. So it's like taking a stab in the dark as to what that was like (for the most part, at least).

STRM,

You made a really good point...I hadn't thought of it like that. I also had a really hard time coming up with a safe place and it really frustrated me. T basically had to create one for me (she suggested things and I would say yes or no) so that we could have something to refer to. Sometimes my safe 'place' is just becoming invisible, which T said is okay at times. It's also relieving to hear I'm not the only one that gets emotional about that stuff. In my last session T asked me if I had a mean teacher growing up (who doesn't) and if that teacher could stand in for the vulnerable parts for when I talk to my father (who's not happy and it makes me scared), and when I imagined this awful teacher defending me, I felt like I wanted to cry! I felt like laughing at myself at that point because I really hated her when I was 7.

Anyway, thanks guys. I haven't known if it was just because I'm crap at imagining stuff or if there is something else in play.

I think until we begin to internalize T's Protection, then it does feel impossibe and stupid. But I found out of the blue I would be in a situation and my feelings and response changed for the first time. Then I understood it better on an emotional level,

FFOW,

I can actually imagine T as the protector with no issue. She has even physically acted this out with me when I felt scared like there was an abuser in the room. It's when I try to have one of my internal parts be a protector or someone besides T that it is more of an issue.

I'm glad that you had a different experience and your responses changed. That is great!