The Letter UPDATE

True NorthCo-moderator

I know there is some interest out there about how my session went today. The answer is... I'm not really sure. I'll try to share some of it with you and maybe it will help me understand it better myself.

I was extremely, intensely busy at work before my session. Not only is my desk piled with work with deadlines but my 3 bosses kept adding to the pile. On top of this, I FINALLY got my new computer (the old one was so slow it would take me almost ONE HOUR to log on in the morning) and the tech was coming and he promised me he would only take me off line for maybe 30 minutes. Turn out it was 3 hours!! In the meantime I was trying to be calm, to collect my thoughts and to re-read the letter I wrote. I was a total mess of anxiety when I got to session from work and from what I wanted to do in the session. I have not been so anxious for the past month.

So when I got there he was in his office alone, likely on the phone. He let me in and I got settled and we began with talking about work. I just wanted to tell him I had a bad morning but not talk about it at length because I was waiting to see if he would read the book to me and I did not want to give him the card before that. And I also knew I needed some time to talk to him after he read the letter.

It seemed that I could not get him off the subject of my bad work situation. Any other time I would have been glad to vent to him but I had bigger fish to fry. Finally, I stopped him and told him we had other things to talk about and enough about work for now. He said in the new year we need to focus on making this siutation better and to decide what I really wanted to do about work.

He finally stopped talking and asked if I brought the book back and I said yes but I was not sure about asking him to read it. I told him I got scared that I asked for something inappropriate. He said it was an unusual request but not inappropriate or he would have already told me and he would have no problem saying no to me (as I have learned all to well

). Then he told me how well I did in reading to my child part last time and he was proud that I did it because he knew it was hard for me. Then he held out his hand for the book. So... I settled in while he read it to me and I finally relaxed a bit just listening to his beloved voice that still grounds and calms me. He was so sweet to read that to me but I KNOW he was nervous. I could see that he was somewhat uncomfortable but he did it for me and that touched me. I thanked him when he was done and then told him I had his Christmas present. He made a face like.... you really should not get me anythinig... so I told him it was just a card not a real present. I found a great card that talked about him listening to me always with compassion and an understanding heart....and I put the letter inside. It was 3 typewritten pages.

He put his reading glasses on to read it (he never wears them) and I sat there sipping my water bottle while he read. I knew exactly what he was reading by where his eyes were on the page. I read it so many times it was memorized LOL.

At the end he looked up and said "that was very well done". He thanked me for writing it and said it was a very special gift that I gave him. I was so scared by this time that I know I dissociated because I could not hear him any longer... just a loud buzzing noise in my head. I think my anxiety increased because he didn't address the "love" part directly but talked about how far I had come and how impressed he was with my progress. He said "I don't think you realize how far you have come" and he also said it was great feedback in the way I recounted the events of the past year. He said that what he gets from me and not anyone else is that I can share the process with him... I can see how the process works and then relate that info back to him.

So I got brave and asked him if it was okay to say what I did. He told me that since I quoted him in the letter (where he said that love was the greatest gift to get from a patient) I should know that answer to that question. So then I asked if I made him uncomfortable and he said no not at all. I told him I took a great risk in handing him that letter because all the other times I tried to tell them how I felt... I lost the relationship and I was scared that this would happen now. He reassured me that it would not happen and that he was different and he asked me to do a comparison of their behavior vs his and then decide.

I told him that part of this struggle was because I worried that my love was not good enough or untained enough to give to him after what happened with old T and another bad experience I had with an attachment figure in my life. That I felt it was not that pure "first-time" therapy love that I had for oldT. I told him what I felt for him was powerful but different. He said he understood that I would feel that way.

At this point our time had run out and had to go but I was scared to leave. I will miss Monday's session because he is not working on Christmas Eve and I knew I would have to sit with the feelings. I think he knew too because he said again "you gave me a very precious gift today and I want to thank you for it". He made sure I heard the precious gift part because I'm sure he knew I was dissociating.

I got up and put my blanket away and then we shook hands making some small talk and I left. I was very aware that I didn't get a pat today and that made me feel really scared because it was (in my mind) proof that I ruined things between us and now I feel he will be loathe to come near me ever again.

When I got back to work the tech guys were still there and I could not use my computer and then I had to choke down some lunch and run to cover for the receptionist. I was so distraught I began to cry up at the reception desk while clients were coming in and I had to answer the phone. Then my most hated boss started yelling at me for not doing something he wanted done, even though I had no computer for most of the day. I was so worn out I think it hampered my regulation of my emotions.

So... soon as I could leave for the day I paged my T because I knew I was melting down. I tried to answer his return call in a calm voice but as soon as I heard him I began to cry and I as unable to breathe. I told him I was scared that he would now be different and I ruined our relationship and I was sure I did something really wrong. He told me the child part was scared and she was controlling me and I had to calm her down and tell her everything was fine. He said he would and always be the same and that my letter was beautiful and he was fine with what I said. He told me I didn't do anything wrong and it truly was a gift I gave him. I told him that it was really a miracle that I could feel that way about him because I thought I would never connect in the way again with a T or anyone after what happened with oldT. he said yes it was a miracle. Then I thanked him for reading to me and that it was a wonderful memory for me to hold onto. So he said he was glad and he wanted me to hold onto it and that he just wanted me to be able to enjoy what happened today. To just take it in and enjoy it. He said he understood my fears and he expected this reaction. I told him that I thought I was in a good enough place to handle this but I was not. He said maybe not yet but we could do some more work on it and that I did well enough.

And then he had to go back to work. We spoke for just under 5 minutes. It did help and I calmed down after that. I do feel that we didn't have enough time to process the letter and the feelings and now I have to wait a week to see him again. At least it's Christmas and I'll be pretty busy so I hope the time goes quickly.

Thanks for reading.
TN

12/20/128:52 PM

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bltMember

Thank you for that update, TN. Wow, you did kind of a lot in one session! It seems like your T is still steady as always, and you will keep working and you'll see he's still there. Also, I think he's right that you have come a very long way. I do hope you can hold on to that and to the memory of what you did today and feel good about yourself.

12/20/129:16 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Thanks BLT. We did do a lot in one session and maybe that is why I sort of had that meltdown about everything. I needed to focus more time on the feelings in the letter but I got scared and then ran out of time and was left with no place to put those feelings.

Thankfully my T has a liberal contact policy and talking to him helped to calme me down.

I also think being away from him during Christmas is hard and I need to talk to him about this. It ties in with the parental loving feelings I have for him and not being able to know what he is doing or to share part of Christmas with him.

TN

12/21/126:52 AM

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lieseMember

((((TN))))

Not sure if what you are struggling with is something I struggle with but the reason I have not told my T I love him is because I don't think he will say it back and then how will I feel? I want the affectionate part of the relationship. I want to cuddle up next to him and feel safe but those are things I can't have. He knows I want them. We've talked about it. It was hard but, like your T, he's still there for me and it does get easier. It's hard to talk about my needs. They are the most vulnerable things to talk about. And, ouch, how it hurts not to get them met. It must have been really hard not to have gotten that pat on the shoulder. It makes sense that you would melt down like you did afterwards and need extra reassurance.

But aside from what I want from him and can't have, I genuinely DO appreciate him and feel grateful for our relationship. He gives so much to me and continues to do so. As all of us know, clients have been terminated for having the feelings I have for my T. Yes, it was rocky for a while but we got past it. And even though most T's don't seem to say the L word back, I still think it's worthwhile to be able to express positive feelings towards someone we appreciate. That can only help you and me with other relationships. So, I do think, in time you will come to feel safer and like it was worth telling him.

TN, part of this also is learning when it's okay to let ourselves be vulnerable and when it's not. You don't want to just give your love to anyone. None of us do. Your T is safe. He proves himself over and over again. In time, when you make yourself vulnerable to him like that, however, you will have felt his consistency enough and his love for you and you won't have the doubts anymore that you've ruined the relationship. It's the doubts that put us into self-protective mode which can be counter-productive.

When we make ourselves vulnerable like that and the other doesn't respond as we had hoped or didn't understand what we were asking for, that can result in disaster for us.

I think it was great that you took control of your session and turned the focus on what was important to you. It would have been easy for me to have let my T just take control especially if I had any fear about what I wanted to say.

It was good , I think!!! It's one of those sessions you will come to appreciate over time.

12/21/127:26 AM

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heldincompassionMember

quote:
He finally stopped talking and asked if I brought the book back and I said yes but I was not sure about asking him to read it. I told him I got scared that I asked for something inappropriate. He said it was an unusual request but not inappropriate or he would have already told me and he would have no problem saying no to me (as I have learned all to well Eeker). Then he told me how well I did in reading to my child part last time and he was proud that I did it because he knew it was hard for me. Then he held out his hand for the book. So... I settled in while he read it to me and I finally relaxed a bit just listening to his beloved voice that still grounds and calms me.

There is something so magical about being read aloud to by someone we love and trust (especially if they have a good reading voice and it's a well chosen selection). IMHO, that's not something that we ever need to leave in childhood, but that we are all the better off for experiencing regularly. Sometimes H and I read things to each other. I've also had T read me poems on several occasions and a short story once. That has been wonderful. And I have a friend that I read poetry with regularly. So, hmm, I didn't know it was an unusual request, lol! I thought it was normal. My normal, I suppose.

I am really glad you had this experience with your T, TN. It was sweet to imagine you two reading "The Night Before Christmas" together.
Maybe reading together is something you will continue beyond this session?

I'm also so glad that you gave him the letter and he was appreciative of it. Maybe if you are feeling a bit unsure about the session it is because you were so stressed and anxious going into it? I hope it is a memory you will come to treasure more over time, as Liese said. It sounded really special to me!

Hugs and Happy Holidays!

12/21/1212:42 PM

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sdMember

Amazing session TN.

The Love thing is simmering a little bit in my life too... so I enjoy and learn a lot on how you are handling it. I am a long way off yet saying it to T. she won't bring it up because the word CARE caused such a problem for us.

Your work place! OMG, that needs to be sorted out. It is so abusive..... it distresses me that you or anybody has to work under such conditions. I hope somethings gives with them soon, I want you to be happy and well and not have to work in a horrible workplace

Somedays

12/22/125:21 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Well... I survived Christmas with all the rushing, hustle and bustle. While Christmas brings a lot of work and rushing around, I do like it. I HATE New Year's Eve. And that is still to come.

I just wanted to update a bit here. As I mentioned above.... I had a bit of a meltdown that evening of the session where I gave my T the letter. I was freaked out about losing him and I just felt so distant all of a sudden. I had been feeling safe and close to him for a number of weeks and I thought I could handle telling him in the letter that I loved him. Evidently, I hit a wall. Luckily, I spoke to him and he was great about calming me. I think the shitstorm at work did not help me at all. I went from that session with only about 5 minutes to proces it (or not process it) and had to endure a hellish afternoon at work and I was feeling fragile and I just could not handle it.

Liese, you spoke about some things in your post... but my fear was not about the fact that he did not say "I love you" back to me. I would never expect him to say that. He really can't say that because then it allows HIS feelings into the room and it becomes about HIM and not how I'm feeling. It takes away from the focus on me. I think my anxiety was coming from the fact that I did something wrong by telling him. Or that I this revelation would drive him away from me or that I ruined our nice relationship by telling him I loved him and make him uncomfortable and later have him push ME away because he did not want to accept my feelings for him and that he would now be defensive or afraid of me. Whew, that was a long sentence...

Actually, the more I reflect on our relationship the move I am convinced that my T does love me. That is scary to write or think about. And part of me thinks I'm imagining this and it cannot be true. Yet, he says he is attached to me and then he says attachment is love. He says he cares about me, respects me, thinks I'm smart and have done amazing things in my life. He also told me once, "you are lucky that I adore you" when I made him crazy about some line of reasoning I was trying to make him follow. He does all kinds of things that show real deep caring like giving me his dragon that he had for over 20 years, sitting on the floor with me, reading to me, celebrating with me, and going through all kinds of gyrations to give me that last, closing session with oldT. I know he never did that before and he was even a bit unsure that it was the right thing. But because I wanted/needed it so badly he arranged it, even moving another client's session so we could have 2 hours. Should I chose to ignore all of these things and more so I can deny that he is showing me real love? I think right now I am able to accept that love and care and to believe it.

Today we had a great session. I have not seen him for a week and I missed him so much. I actually emailed him on Sunday night and got a nice response on Monday morning (Christmas Eve) which helped me to get through until today. It was just an email asking for some connection and he assured me that we are absolutely good and that he understood and he wished me a Merry Christmas and told me to email again if I needed to.

So we talked about that today and I thanked him. We talked about my meltdown over the phone and he told me that my child part was the one who got really scared and I have to work on soothing her. He was wearing an new (xmas present?) lovely blue sweather and he looked so good to me. It was also wonderful to see my Christmas card still on his desk.

I told him that I read The Night Before Christmas to my son and nephew and that it made me feel closer to him because he read it to me. I told him how much that meant to me as it was something I had missed out on as a child. I got really emotional and had to stop talking. I told him I felt so overwhelmed with feelings when I thought aobut him doing that. I said I knew it was unorthodox and he reassured me that it was not the usual request but that it was easy to comply with and that I was brave to read it first and I did such a good job of reading it to my child part and he was proud of me.

Then I tried to bring up the topic of what I wrote in the letter to him. I told him I got scared that I ruined our relationship. he said nothing was changed and that it was something good that I did. He told me that he has never been happier with me than he is right now. That I have come SO far and he is VERY proud of me and that I have come further than even HE thought was possible this year. He told me that I worked very very hard and that we both did a lot of hard work together to make this happen. Yes, I said... it's a miracle. He reminded me of how traumatized I was two years ago.

Then I told him about something that happened yesterday which upset me because it made me realize I'm still working through some of the trauma of oldT. I was hooking up my ipod to a new external speaker that I bought dh for Christmas and a song on my list came on and it triggered an intense flashback of those moments when oldT shut the door in my face and left me standing in the foyer alone on that last day. How I felt I was disintegrating and wanted to die. I then flashed to sitting in my car and him grabbing my car keys and me getting out to follow him as he walked away and then seeing the police there. But it was not only the visual images but my bodys physical reaction. I began to shake and I felt like I was falling to pieces again. I had to ground myself but it took a few minutes and then I changed the song. The song is one I love and it was on the CD set I gifted for Christmas to oldT and the ones he returned in the box of my stuff. He never wanted it and it meant nothing to him. I don't think he even listened to the CDs I gave him. They looked "untouched" in the jewel cases.

Anyway, my T said that is the nature of trauma. It never really goes away completely and can be triggered by certain things just out of the blue. Yes, I'm much better, but it's sad for me to accept that I will never truly be the same person I was before.

It was a nice connecting session but I didn't want it to end. I now have to wait another week to see him again and I have to get past New Year's Eve. I know I can email him but it's not the same as sitting with him and looking into his eyes which have this ability to calm me and regulate my emotions. And I even feel guilty complaining about waiting a week when so many of you are waiting many weeks or have lost a T recently. I know I will get through this... it's just harder thinking about it the first 24 hours after I see him.

Thank you all for always being so supportive of my journey.

Hugs
TN

12/27/123:46 PM

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yakusokuMember

TN - I love hearing about the work you and your T are doing together. He's right to be so proud and impressed. You are tenacious and brave in your approach to therapy. I am so glad you are feeling the love that is there for you, and more and more able to trust it, and also to feel safe checking your doubts against your experiences with HIM (as opposed to experiences with others) and even directly ask for reassurance when you need it. You're growing all the time and it is a blessing when you share it with us! I hope the next week goes quickly for you. I have made it nearly a week and have one more to go. I left T with an extremely vulnerable (I think, can't remember what I wrote and it was a gift to him, so I didn't keep my own copy) handwritten letter, which I am not sure he has read yet or when (whether) I will receive requested reassurances that nothing I wrote was bad or broke things. Hearing about your conversations with your T made me feel less anxious by osmosis or something.

12/27/126:51 PM

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bltMember

12/27/127:20 PM

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sdMember

Hey Tn,

I think your T LOVES you. I really do. I see such genuine care with everything he does with you. And it depends on what love is. Genuine care, concern and attention equals love for me.

Lovely post to read.
Somedays.

12/27/127:30 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

Hi Anon... thanks for the comments. I'm happy I can share some positive things about therapy. And yeah, I can be very tenacious at times. Probably my salvation in certain circumstances. It was good to hear from you.

BLT... thanks.

SD... I appreciate your saying that you believe my T loves me. It's a thought that I go back and forth on. It's just so hard to actually acknowledge the possibility. But when I look back to what he does for me and his behavior despite what I have thrown at him over the past few years, then I think he must have SOME warm feelings towards me. And that makes me feel really good.

TN

12/28/129:46 AM

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lieseMember

(((TN)))

I'm so glad you had such a great session this last week. Only 5 more days to go and then back to the regular schedule? The holidays are SO hard.

quote:
but my fear was not about the fact that he did not say "I love you" back to me. I would never expect him to say that. He really can't say that because then it allows HIS feelings into the room and it becomes about HIM and not how I'm feeling. It takes away from the focus on me. I think my anxiety was coming from the fact that I did something wrong by telling him. Or that I this revelation would drive him away from me or that I ruined our nice relationship by telling him I loved him and make him uncomfortable and later have him push ME away because he did not want to accept my feelings for him and that he would now be defensive or afraid of me.

It's understandable how that would be scary. It's something I struggle with as well and, as you know, did push my T away for a while. It seems to me there has to be a benefit to be able to express positive feelings for others - even when it isn't as deep as love. So, it all sounds like good stuff is going on there.

12/29/127:56 AM

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intransitionMember

Hello Everyone

I am nearing the end of my therapy journey after about a year and a half. Keep in mind I have been in therapy over the past 12 to 13 years with different approaches. I feel so strong now and really believe that I can make it on my own. When I sensed it was time to end therapy I wrote my T a letter telling him how scared I was of rejection and telling him I really didn't want to leave my friend. The next time we met I was an emotional mess...telling him I don't understand the RULES of friendship outside the therapy environment and he asked me quite an interesting questions "Is it leaving me or the environment that is causing so much pain?" to which I replied "I never have had someone so intent on listening to me, understanding me and loving me through some of the most traumatic times of my life" I really didn't want to leave that place. I'm in the process of studying to be a therapist and I even threw out "I'm not sure I can be a therapist if my clients have to engage their hearts and being very very vulnerable and then have to leave the relationship with nothing" That was really really hard for me to understand and still is to some point. But my wonderful T said to me "It is for your safety!" and I believe that at some point and with some clients as well. So I continue to wrestle. This holiday break is the longest I have gone without the desperate need of my therapist but I realize that my desperation is that of a little girl crying out that she needed help but there was no way to find the help due to the secrets that had to be held. I say all this to say that your tenacity feels like the same intensity as mine so I encourage you to keep it up...continue with being honest with EVERYTHING that surfaces, ask the questions, challenge the responses that don't alighn with your heart. It sounds like your T has created a great environment for which you can work through your pain with. I'm proud of you and all of us who make the choice to step into our pain and find the answers we have longed for. I look forward to being a therapist but also wrestle with some of the rules that are there but I'm going to be looking for a mentor to help me wrestle those things through. I would love for my therapist to be my mentor but once again rules of dual relationship. God Bless you True North....

12/29/128:36 AM

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katiedidMember

Hi TN,
Been following your updates and I am impressed by your open heart and risk taking. You seem open to all your feelings, including both love and fear. I struggle in my life to honor both, knowing when to trust and when to protect myself emotionally. Trauma makes this so difficult. Your post makes me wonder if our flashbacks (I am so sick of them!!!) might go away as we learn to keep ourselves in safe, loving relationships. Or do we even have that much power in our lives.

On another note, my workplace has recently started a program and sent out a memo, a part of which I thought you might enjoy

quote:
True North is our aspiration. Above all else, this is what we are about. Like the North Star in the night sky — we may not be able to reach it but it is always there to guide us to where we want to be.

Wishing for you in the New Year truth, love and safety. KD

12/31/1210:14 AM

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lieseMember

Oh Katiedid, that is so beautiful and very a propo.

12/31/1211:56 AM

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