But I noticed that sometimes when I tell him things he closes his eyes. He has been doing that since the beginning and it was starting to make me feel like he didn't want to look at me or that I said something that upset him. So I decided to ask about it today. The answer was simple enough....he sometimes does that so he can really focus on what I said and to think deeply for an answer or response to me ... and when it relates to oldT, he closes his eyes because he is thinking "I cannot believe what the f'ing idiot has done NOW". Neither of which has anything to do with him avoiding me for any reason. So... this led to a long discussion about how I always look at things in a negative way.He was not being harsh with me and totally understands this is typical for my background. We talked about how the children of narcissists do this... they take everything or anything that someone else does and they make it about themselves in a very negative way. Basically, we believe that everything is our fault. Because we learned to make it our fault as children so we could then try to figure out how to fix/change it and make it better. Especially our relationships with our parents.
We then went on to talk about relationships and how I engage in them and he said that I stay too long in relationships and we would have to be very careful about this now and going forward. So...when he said that I just dissociated and left the room. I swear I did not move a muscle or blink an eye but he caught me doing that and stopped me and said ... what was that? I said what? I didn't do anything? And he said yes you did I could see you go away. So I told him that I got scared and it felt dangerous because he was telling me I was there too long and he needed to get rid of me. He pushed me to go on and say more... so I told him that he was warning me that he would be careful not to keep me around too long and he would just decide one day that I was in "this" relationship too long and had to be terminated!!
Then he stopped me and said... that I took only certain parts of what he said, I only heard it in a negative way and made it dangerous. He said I probably dissociated at the first word and then missed what else he was telling me that, if I heard it, would have prevented me from being so scared. He was in fact... talking about DYSFUNCTIONAL relationships that I find myself in... those are the ones I stay too long in and he wants me to be more aware of the signs of abusive and dysfunctional relationships and get out before they can really hurt and damage me. He said WE have a very healthy relationship and this did not apply to us... but I could not hear that.
This is very interesting to me because it makes a lot of sense to me now that it has been pointed out to me. I DO do this. We went on to discuss further our relationship and what happened with oldT. I just LOVE talking to him and I did tease him a lot today, more than usual and he accepted it good-naturedly.
But I had one bad moment after the session was over. Okay this is weird so bear with me. Someone that I had watched everyday on TV passed away suddenly and he was not that old. Just never woke up. This person sort of reminded me in a way of my T. So I was thinking about not seeing T until Tuesday and then got,for no concrete reason, very scared that something was going to happen to him and I would have nothing to remember him. I have his pen but that is all.
I don't have a picture of him.
I got scared that I would forget what he looked like and it would be like he didn't exist. I have lots of pictures of oldT... but I cannot find one anywhere of my T. I think having one would really help me keep the connection to him. So...do you think I could ask him for a picture? What would he say? I am afraid he would think I was crazy or having some kind of insane eroticized transference with him. But that is not it. Maybe he would think it was "icky" that I asked for this. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone out there ever asked for a picture of their T??
Our session ended well and we shook hands and then he patted my arm. Since Monday is a holiday he offered me a Tuesday appointment. I was thinking that we would skip the session and I even offered to do that ... telling him that I'm sure his schedule is very full and it would be difficult for him to cram everyone from Monday into the rest of the week. He laughed at me and said "You don't get to be in charge of my schedule"... which was fine by me. I know I'm not supposed to worry about him... but I do.
When I count my blessings, I count him twice.
TN
I think asking for a picture is probably safe. Even if he were to decline (which I have a feeling he won't), I know he would do it in a way that allowed you to work through your feelings and left you still feeling ultimately connected.
and you get to see him on Tuesday.
